“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

As I read this verse this last week, the words “at the time” really struck me. Yes, when we are going through discipline, it is painful. It’s only later that we are at peace, and hopefully, experiencing the harvest of righteousness.

It was actually an aha moment for me. Right now in the middle of my pain, it certainly is not pleasant. But the verse includes a precious promise that the discipline is producing a good result.

It brought back the memory of losing our baby at birth. How utterly painful that experience was, and yet, at the same time, I sensed God’s comfort and nearness in a way I had not before. Even now, 42 years later, it’s a precious memory for me of the nearness of God to me at that time. In spite of the tremendous grief I went through, it produced in me much good fruit: empathy for others in similar circumstances, as well as a better knowledge and experience of God Himself.

When we left our church in Richland, Washington was another instance of unpleasantness. We left a loving church family and the beauty of living in the Pacific Northwest to coming back to New Jersey and essentially, starting over. I had no friends here, the highway systems made no sense to me, there was so much congestion, everything was so confusing and depressing. Again, this was not pleasant “at the time,” but God in his grace, taught me how utterly dependent I was on him. Now that I can look back through the years, I see many benefits and blessings that are part of my life now, that I would not be experiencing except for that difficult year in my life’s journey.

So I expect that someday I will be able to look back on what I’m going through now and see that the benefits far outweigh the painful discipline. But not now…”at this time,” this is not pleasant, but painful.

In spite of my pain, though, God graces me with unasked for blessings. I spent all day yesterday sleeping. When I woke up, I still felt very tired, so I went back to bed. This happened all day: I would wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep, wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep some more. I was in bed all day. I didn’t shower and get dressed, I didn’t eat, I just slept. I wondered if I was coming down with something, but this morning when I woke up, I felt fine. A little tired, but as the day wore on, I felt better and better.

Then the Lord reminded me that several days (or maybe weeks) ago, I had been thinking how tired I was. I wondered what it would feel like to sleep and sleep and sleep - no worries, just sleep till I wasn't tired any more. So I think yesterday was a gift from the Lord. How good he is to me.

Psalm 127:2 ~ "...For He grants sleep to those He loves."

I'm glad I felt better today because I wanted to attend the funeral of a lady who had been at Care One Harmony Village and a member of our church. I went to the office and produced the bulletin for the service, then was able to attend the funeral. The family had invited one of the workers from Care One to participate in the service by giving a "remembrance." He said some very kind words about this lady. I was struck with how, not only this one man, but all the staff at Care One, are so kind, caring and loving toward the residents. They treat the residents as special and really love them. What's striking to me is that the residents are only a shell of who they were, but that doesn't seem to matter to the staff. They treat them with dignity, honor and respect.

Another incident I observed is indicative of the entire staff at this facility. I arrived one evening to see an ambulance outside the door, with a gurney being rushed toward it and EMT's pumping on a man's chest as they propelled him into the ambulance. As I walked into the building, the receptionist was standing there with tears streaming down her face. She didn't just have wet eyes, she was crying. It takes a special gift to love people this way. I'm so grateful that Andy is getting this kind of care.

So yes, what I'm going through right now is painful, but there are also glimpses of goodness in the pain. And I have the promise that this pain will produce a good result...I will be more like Christ. Shouldn't that be the central goal of our life?

I want to look back on my life, as Paul did in 2 Timothy 4, to be able to say I have kept the faith, knowing a crown of righteousness awaits me. Randy Alcorn in his book, 90 Days of God's Goodness, says that "Paul's final words to Timothy reflect both his resolve and his tenderness. Suffering makes hearts tender and gives us greater love for others." 

I don't know that I can truthfully be thankful for the pain I'm going through "at this time," but I know in the end, I'll be grateful for what God has taught me through it all.

Tuesday was my birthday - the beginning of my last year in the 60's. My friends came through with lots of love and attention. I met two friends for lunch, then another friend took me out to dinner. Andy's brother very kindly bought a bouquet of flowers and a card, took them over to Andy and helped him sign the card.
 

On Valentine's Day a bouquet of roses showed up at my front door from another couple, thinking of me. So I have quite a collection of flowers and cards.

Meanwhile, not much has changed...which sometimes is a good thing.

I continue to read Randy Alcorn's book, Ninety Days of God's Goodness. Every day's reading is so comforting with good reminders of God's character and how we can trust Him with everything that we are going through. 

What I read today was titled: Too Small to See the Big Picture. The Scripture reading was from Isaiah 55:6-9 familiar verses where God tells us: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Randy asks: "Why should I, a finite and fallen creature, expect that I will understand God's reasons for doing what he does and allowing what he allows? If God always thought the way I do, something would be terribly wrong with him."

He continues in a later paragraph, "We tend to see God as a bigger, smarter version of ourselves...But God is not like us: 'God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind' (Numbers 23:19). God says, 'you thought I was altogether like you' (Psalm 50:21). Whatever seems good to us, we think, should be good to God. Whatever we think is fair, God should do...Yet we have neither the qualifications nor the authority to exercise such judgment. Not only does God's character infinitely surpass our own, but his thoughts and perspectives radically transcend ours."

And he concludes this section with the assertion that "we don't need explanations, we need 'God, who comforts the downcast' (2 Corinthians 7:6). God doesn't always explain why we suffer, yet millions of people attest to the comfort he has brought them in their darkest hours."

I say "amen" to that. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves, but when life is so hard, there is no one else to turn to but God. And he gives peace, life, comfort, the strength to go on, but the greatest gift of all: Himself.

Psalm 147:3 ~ "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 94:19 ~ "When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

Psalm 63:7-8 ~ "Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 62:1-2 ~ "My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

In the Sunday school class I've been attending, we've been encouraged to memorize one verse from each chapter of Hebrews. I've been enjoying that and the verses have been so precious as I review them before I fall asleep at night.

Hebrews 4:16 has been especially meaningful to me; "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say that verse, then I tell the Lord that I am there, I am in a time of great need. His mercy and grace are available to me, giving me the strength to go on. He never gets tired of me coming to him, but tells us we can approach him with confidence. He always hears me and delights to serve me by meeting my needs.  

How good is the God we adore! He is worthy of our love, adoration, praise and worship.

I never thought of it before but Fear is a Liar.  I heard Zach Williams sing that song and it got me thinking about how Satan is a liar, the father of lies and one of his greatest weapons is fear. But God is love, and perfect love drives out fear. 

1 John 4:16-18 ~ "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

How many times in His Word does God tell his children not to fear. Then He promises He will be with us, take care of our every need, make everything work out for our good, etc...so many promises that He loves us and will never leave us.

Yet when hard times come, we forget His promises and believe the lie and succumb to fear. So this song was a good reminder that I should not believe fear because fear is not from God. It's from the evil one.

Fear is a Liar

by Zach Williams

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

When he told you you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar 
Songwriters: Jason Ingram / Zach Williams / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Fear Is a Liar lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

 

It was a pretty quiet week which is good once in a while. I had no appointments on Tuesday, just a quiet day doing laundry and a little cleaning. 

Christy came down last Sunday to see Andy at Care One. I met her there and we visited with him for about an hour. She decided she is able to do that every Sunday, and today she brought Christian and Claire, as well. Dawn met us today, too, and we had a nice time together. 

Andy is not doing well. He makes the effort to engage and join in the conversation when we're all together. But it's difficult to understand him when he "talks." And I'm sure he doesn't follow our conversation. He needs assistance in nearly everything he does, all daily living activities. He's confused and doesn't understand simple instructions. When I tell him he needs to wash his hands, I have to direct him to the sink, turn on the water, put his hands under the water, pump the soap in his hands, rub his hands together, rinse the soap off, turn the water off, then take the towel and dry his hands for him. 

"Activities of daily living (ADL) are routine activities that people tend to do every day without needing assistance. There are six basic ADLs: eating, dressing, toileting, transferring (walking) and continence."

It's distressing and depressing to see him like this. But he still recognizes me and tells me every day that he loves me. So there's the spark of good in this pain.

Our pastoral and office staff are currently reading through Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. In chapter 11, he refers to E. Stanley Jones, who was a Methodist missionary to India. When he was very old, he had a debilitating stroke that left him immobile and virtually speechless. But not faithless. "I need no outer props to hold up my faith," he wrote, "for my faith holds me." MacDonald gives five spiritual exercises that are of critical importance to help us to have Jones's perspective and endurance in hard times. They are: the pursuit of silence and solitude; singing; regularly listening to God; the experience of reflection and meditation; and prayer as worship and intercession.

I resonated with all of those, but was especially encouraged with his including singing. My voice isn't what it used to be, but music still has an important place in my life. It has a way of ministering to my inner most being.

Another song that has meant a lot to me is No Longer Slaves. I'm a child of God, surrounded by the arms of the Father, He drowns my fears in perfect love. If God can split the sea so the Israelites could walk right through it, shouldn't He be able to take care of my needs, too? 

Psalm 34:4 ~ "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."

Staff building...bury the hatchet...do those two phrases go together? Hmmm...depends on the staff and what you mean by burying the hatchet.

It was pastor's idea. All the pastors, interns and office staff did a 5th Wednesday special activity together which happened to be at a facility called "Bury the Hatchet." It's really more a guy thing, but I did participate, along with two other women. I confess up front that I did not do very well. In fact, I did pathetically horrible. I could get the hatchet to hit the target, but I didn't have enough strength to get it to stick, so it hit, then fell off. 

I knew from the beginning I had no chance of doing well but it was an interesting activity and the comradery and competitiveness was fun to be part of. In a way, it wasn't really very fair because after all, 1) I'm a lot older than the other participants; 2) I'm female with no testosterone; 3) I'm shorter than everyone else. So those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

I was able to spend some time with Kasey on Tuesday. I met a friend for coffee in the morning, then went and picked up Kasey. I brought her back to my house for some girl time. We bonded by playing Candyland and dressing up like princesses.

She allowed me to braid her hair which is fun for me. (A few days later, she still had those braids so I guess it was fun for her, too.)

We have a lot of birthdays this time of year. Asher's is January 31. He turned 10. I went and picked him up on Friday and brought him back to the house. What a delightful boy he is. I had such a good time with him one on one. He loves the game of Greedy, and we played 10 games in the night and day he was with me. We played a few other games just to add a little variety, but we always came back to Greedy. 

It was freezing cold on Saturday but we had to do our traditional birthday hike. We dressed warmly and went over to Long Bridge Park. The outside temperature was 24 degrees. Brrr. There was ice along the shore of the Rancocas Creek, which was fun for Asher to  step on and try to break. Then of course, he had to try using the broken pieces like skipping stones. I don't know how he could stand to hold those ice pieces but they didn't seem to bother him.

After our hike, we stopped in to see Andy. Asher played three pieces on the piano for us to enjoy. Then of course, we had to avail ourselves of the ice cream parlor.

The rest of the day was spent in more games of Greedy! I'm always intrigued at how the kids can occupy themselves. I needed to spend some time in preparing the evening meal when everyone would be joining us. So Asher stayed busy by arranging the tri-omino tiles in various designs to bring about different results.

The rest of the family arrived by 4:00 pm - all the kids, spouses and grandkids. It was wild and crazy. After the meal of baked ziti, two kinds of salads, homemade rolls, and blueberry dessert, we were entertained by Tommy and Dawn, as we tried to determine who had the biggest biceps! Laughter is good medicine, right?

And one more party today...this one for Kasey and Cole at Dawn's house. Cole's birthday was Feb. 1 and Kasey's will be Feb. 8, one week apart, celebrating ages 2 and 4. They got so many presents. It was like Christmas all over again.

I am so grateful for the family God has blessed me with. It makes my heartache bearable.

I'm currently reading 90 Days of God's Goodness by Randy Alcorn. I always appreciate his perspective. 




On Day 18, he referenced the two men walking on the road to Emmaus with Jesus after the resurrection. He compared their situation to our own. "Many of us, without realizing it, have walked the Emmaus road. Sorrow overwhelms us. Questions plague us. We wonder where God is...when all along he walks beside us."

Isn't that the truth? He has promised to never leave us, he is always with us, his Spirit lives within us. So even in our darkest hours, even though we may not feel like he is with us, he still is. This is a great comfort to me. And on another day (page 73), Randy adds that "no matter how bad the present, an eternity with Christ in Heaven will completely overshadow it." Some day when we're in our Savior's presence, we'll be able to say that the things we're going through now are "light and momentary troubles." 

In another day's reading, Randy reminds us that there will be eternal triumph over temporary suffering (day 22). "The Cross is God's answer to the question, 'Why don't you do something about evil?' God did do something...and what he did was so great and unprecedented that it shook the angelic realm's foundation. It ripped in half, from the top down, not only the temple curtain but the fabric of the universe itself...Evil and suffering formed the crucible in which God demonstrated his love to humankind. His love comes to us soaked in divine blood...God does not merely empathize with our sufferings, He actually suffers. Jesus is God ("the exact representation of His being," Hebrews 1:3). What Jesus suffered, God suffered. God allowed and ordained Jesus' temporary suffering so he could prevent our eternal suffering."

This world is not what it was meant to be
All this pain, all this suffering
There's a better place
Waiting for me
In Heaven

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven
In Heaven

 I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Home

Lay down my burdens, I lay down my past
I run to Jesus, no turning back
Thank God Almighty, I'll be free at last
In Heaven
In Heaven
I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong

Blinded eyes will finally see
The dead will rise on the shores of eternity
The trump will sound, the angels will sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I am goin' home

Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Where I belong

I'm goin' home
I'm goin' home
I'm on my way home
I'm goin' home 
 Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash 

"[I am] hard pressed on every side, BUT not crushed; perplexed, BUT not in despair; persecuted, BUT not abandoned; struck down, BUT not destroyed." 

These verses are another example of the "Holy But" that Dan Stone devotes a chapter to in his book, The Rest of the Gospel. He challenges us to live after the BUT. For instance: we can say: "I know God loves me, but it doesn't seem like it...everything is falling apart." Or "I know God is my sufficiency, but I don't really have what I need." This way of looking at life, though, is living "in the junk," in our circumstances.On the other hand, we can let the Holy But be a bridge, which picks us up from where we're stuck and moves us into faith. If we didn't have the negative in life, we'd never exercise faith. The negative is real and should prompt us to move into faith. Instead we can say, "I feel so weak, BUT God is my strength." Or, "I'm in pain, BUT Christ is my sufficiency."

I wish I could say I have this down pat, but in reality, I feel like I failed miserably this week. I was literally in the pit of despair for a day or two, and it took a lot of reading, praying, counseling by friends, talking with family members, preaching to myself what is true, and time to process with the Lord before coming back up to the "green pastures and quiet waters." 

King David uses the Holy But in Psalm 13. He starts out the psalm in doubt and despair: "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Talk about being in the pit of despair! But David doesn't stay there. He reminds himself that he can go to God for answers. Then he uses that word, BUT. "But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me." His situation hadn't changed but he remembered who God is and how God had dealt with him in the past. 

It is actually a benefit the longer you live because it means you have a history of God's dealing with you throughout your past. I told someone recently that in all the times Andy changed jobs, there was never a time when he missed a paycheck. When he left seminary and we moved back east, he went straight to a job that was waiting for him. Then when we moved to Washington state for his job as associate pastor, he was immediately put on a salary. When he resigned from the pastorate and we moved back to NJ, again God provided an immediate job for him to move into. There were several other instances as well. God provided, God provided, God provided.

So the bottom line is for me to believe God will provide! You would think that this would be easy for me by now. But I confess it is not. I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. How am I going to pay for the extremely expensive care that Andy needs at this time?

I can't just bring him back home, nor can I place him in an ordinary nursing home. He is at the point where he needs an assisted living mental care facility. He can't care for himself any more. 

Although my trust in God does not negate my own responsibility, I feel like so much of this is out of my control. I am meeting with a financial advisor and have an elder law attorney who are a lot smarter than I am at figuring these things out. So although I don't know the future, I know the God who holds the future. I am encouraged that none of what I'm going through is surprising to Him, nor did it catch Him off guard. He has a purpose in it and He is calling me to trust Him. 

A lot of things are still in the process of being resolved. To relieve some of that mental anguish, I had to get out for some nature therapy yesterday. It was a beautiful day, spring like with blue sunny skies and warm temperatures. I went to Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown because it's more urban. People use the road by the lake for jogging, biking, walking their dogs which feels safer for me since I'm by myself.

 


So no matter how difficult the circumstances I go through, I am not losing heart. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) I may have moments (hours or days) when I am in the pit of despair, but God does not leave me there. In fact, He is there with me, but He speaks His truths to me, encouraging and ministering to me Himself. And He really is enough!

The other day I heard Casting Crowns sing God of All My Days. I think it was written just for me.

In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my blindness, God You are my vision
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Jason Ingram

God of All My Days lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

God is my stillness, my answers, my vision, my freedom, my power, the reason I can sing...my Everything. 

In a conversation I was having with someone, they were remembering how kind and gentle Andy was/is. Then they asked if he ever got angry. The only incident I could remember at the time occurred in the early days of our marriage when we were in seminary, living in Portland, Oregon. One day, our car had a flat tire and Andy went out to change it. One of the lug nuts was especially tight and he couldn't get it. In frustration, he kicked the tire. I thought it was funny then, and I think it's funny now. Kicking an inanimate object does not resolve the problem, it only hurts the kicker! 

This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby. 

Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees. 

Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take. 

I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!

Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat!

Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)

This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende." 

Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.

But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.

As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."

As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away."  I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy. 

Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.

 
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.

I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. 

 

I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.  

 

 

 

I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)

How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.

Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 

Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."