This week felt like somewhat of a break from all the stress of the Andy's illness. For one thing, I found out that Andy did have a UTI and has been on a round of antibiotics. He definitely seems better. He's not telling me he feels awful and he's sounding a little more lucid than last week.

For another thing, I've had several instances of being able to spend time with family. I am grateful for my daughters and their families, who have been so supportive and comforting. I really don't feel alone, but that we're in this together.

My youngest sister lives in Maryland, only an hour and a half away from us here in Jersey. In spite of how close we live, I only see her once a year at our annual family July 4th picnic. And when we're together at our family picnic, we really don't get to talk much except superficial small talk. So it was a great pleasure that she decided to take a day off work last week in order to spend the day with me. 

She arrived at 9:00 am and we headed out to Rancocas State Park (my go-to park this year!). It was somewhat cloudy and dreary, but at least it wasn't raining and we walked the blue trail along the Rancocas Creek - the whole 3.2 miles.

This sister is 8 years younger than me, with another sister and two brothers between us. I was the protective big sister while I was still living at home. But by the time she was in her teens, I was in college and away from home. 

After our hike, we ate at a nearby restaurant.
 

While eating, we decided to do another hike. After not having Andy for my hiking partner these last couple of months, I felt like I was making up for lost time. Actually, my sister doesn't have the opportunity to do much hiking because her husband would prefer not to, plus she works a full 40 hours a week. 

So after lunch we went to Black Run Preserve and hiked another 3 miles. By that time, the sun had come out and it was nice and warm.

My sister and I talked and talked and talked. I don't think we ran out of conversation even after being together all day. So it was a very nice day for me.

Another break came yesterday when I drove up to Lancaster County to spend some time with Amy and her family.

I don't think Amy has enough to do (canning, preserving, homeschooling 3 kids, running Chase to hockey practice, Etsy crocheting shop, etc.). Last week, she dyed her two white chickens. This one is Joanna's. 

 

We had lunch together, then drove over to a nearby Rails to Trails path. She was dog sitting so we loaded up her Suburban, taking 2 dogs, 3 kids, roller blades, and a bike. It was another lovely day with the sun coming out occasionally but the temperature was just right.

The grandkids always like to measure themselves against me when we see them. They are so anxious to get taller than me. That's not much of a goal, though, since I'm shorter than just about everyone! When I first got to their house, Chase stood next to me, but I assured him he still had a looooong way to go! But this picture looks like he's just about there until Amy reminded me that he has his roller blades on - phew! After all, he's only 10. Either he's crazy tall for 10, or I'm shorter than I thought.

As we were leaving to go back to Amy's house, we came to a 4 way stop. The lady to our right had the right of way, but she wasn't paying attention. I observed that she was on her cell phone and told Amy to go ahead. When we got on the main road, there was a lot of traffic which was moving at a slow crawl. Amy looked in her rear view mirror and noticed the lady was right behind her and was still looking at her cell phone. Then Amy and I were talking about the last time she was down here with me and how there had been a minor accident where a school bus had rear ended another car that got pushed into Amy's front driver's side, doing a little damage. As we were remembering that incident, all of a sudden: BOOM! We were rear ended by the lady behind us. What a scare and a shock. Fortunately, we were all seat belted, but the dogs came flying up to the front. This accident was not a minor one. We were all physically ok, but the vehicles had significant damage. Amy's Suburban doesn't look too bad, but as she was driving it after the police gave the ok, there were a couple of dash lights on and Amy didn't think it felt "right." The lady who hit us was pretty shook up, said her chest hurt because her seat belt had not held her, and she had banged into her steering wheel. Her car had to be towed away.

I admit I was a little nervous about driving home after that. But the best antidote for getting thrown off a horse is to get back on. Right? I did make it home just fine. I'm grateful for the Lord's protection and safety in my travels on the turnpikes.


Andy's mom has been sick. She was taken to the hospital twice this week. We're not sure what's wrong, but she has a bad cough, so it could be possible pneumonia. With her being sick, her dementia is decidedly worse.

So that added to the excitement around here this week. That's why it was so good of the Lord to provide some respite for my soul, spending time with my sister, then going away yesterday. Getting a break from the struggles and stresses you're dealing with helps to bring relief, if only temporarily.

My reading this week included The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp. 

 

I had received a number of books for my birthday, that being one of them. I admit that although I had requested the book, I was not keen on the idea of brokenness and I saved that one for last.

But I'm glad I finally did read it because it ministered to my soul. Ann is a gifted writer and is so creative in the way she uses words to convey truth.

She reminded us in her book that: 

"I am not the mistakes I have made; I am the righteousness He has made. I am not the plans I have failed; I am the perfectness He has finished. I am not the wrongs I have done; I am the faultlessness He has been. I am not the sins I have chosen; I am chosen by the Beloved, regardless of my sins. In Christ I am chosen, accepted, justified, anointed, sealed, forgiven, redeemed, complete, free, Christ's friend, God's child, the Spirit's home...My value is defined by the One who said, 'It is finished.' And who achieved it all." (page 193)

Thank God, my worth does not depend on me. 

I had received a beautiful hand made dish by a potter some time ago. But one day, when I opened a cupboard door above this dish, something fell out and onto the dish which broke it. I couldn't bear to throw it away, and my friend advised me to keep it to remind me of my own brokenness. 

And it is a good reminder. Yes, I am broken. But one day I will be made whole. I won't be old and broken any more. 

Revelation 21:5 ~ "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"

Without being too dramatic about it, yesterday I was sooooo tired. I forced myself to get up out of bed, although I really think I could have stayed there all day. Then after I got up, I forced myself to walk 2 miles on the treadmill, thinking that if I got moving, I'd start to feel better. Well, I didn't. But as I was walking, I came across the verse in Psalm 119:28 ~ "My soul is weary with sorrow..." That expresses it to a T. But the rest of the verse goes on to beg the Lord to "strengthen me according to your word."

In spite of the list I had made for myself to accomplish on a long day at home, I decided not to force myself to do anything except sit in my chair, quiet my heart and renew my strength in Him. 

I don't know why I should be so tired, but I do know that Friday night's visit with Andy was hard - again! At one point, he had told me that he never expected in all his life that he would end up in jail. I explained to him that he wasn't in jail, he was in a "hospital." He'd been struggling all week with not feeling well. He gave indications that he might be developing a UTI. I talked to the nurse several nights in succession, they took urine samples and kept an eye on him. But I don't know that he actually did have a UTI. We don't have the results back yet, but he seems to be acting and feeling better again.

Saturday morning, I met Dawn and we visited Andy for about an hour in his room. She brought Kira and Cole with her. Kira had been asking to see her Poppop again. She doesn't get to see him very often because of being in school.

When we arrived, he was napping. He gladly woke up when we got there.

We stayed an hour which is about his limit. 

I finished another book, A Grief Unveiled by Gregory Floyd. The book chronicles "one father's journey through the death of a child." His little boy was hit by a car and killed when he was only 7 years old. Can you imagine the pain and suffering he and his family went through? I resonated with a lot of what he related of his and his family's journey with grief.

I had been thinking lately about the whole idea of surrendering. I don't feel like I was doing a very good job of it. I kept picturing myself like the little girl who told her parents when asked to sit down: "I'm sitting on the outside, but I'm standing on the inside." Surrender - it sounds so impossible. But I've been feeling more at peace with it recently, and I'm realizing that even surrendering has to be done with the Spirit's help, by his living out through me. Living the Christian life is impossible. Only Christ can live the Christian life. So I need him to live in and through me.

Then this week as I read A Grief Unveiled, there was actually a chapter devoted to this very subject: "The Strength of Surrender." It was so good I just have to include a section here as a reinforcement for me. 

"Surrender implies commitment, but it is 99 percent the work of grace. I cannot force myself to surrender...It is a cleaving to the will of God, allowing him full sway in my life, with no hidden pockets of resentment." (page 184)

Scripture says that when we suffer, we can offer comfort to others with the comfort with which we have been comforted. (2 Corinthians 1) God teaches us many things when we go through deep waters. And I was so ministered to by what God taught this author as he suffered the loss of his little boy.

I've been struck recently that everyone has their share of suffering. It's not that mine is any more difficult than anyone else's. But mine is my own, tailor made for me to bring me to Christ. This life is full of pain and hard things. 

"Because the way to heaven is the way of suffering, and Jesus even became suffering for us to show us that suffering is not just evil, but is, in fact, part of the road that leads to heaven. God loves suffering  not as an end in itself, but for what it can make us and where it can lead us." (A Grief Unveiled, page 110)

I spent most of the morning at church today, interacting with people. I'm trying to find a happy medium between alone time and getting out to be with others. Thankfully, I felt so much better today. Of course, it helped that the sun was shining, the sky was a glorious blue and even though the air was chilly, there was a delicious hint of spring.

I decided after church to go for a hike. I've been thinking maybe I could venture out by myself as long as I went to a park where I knew there would be plenty of people. So I went with a little bit of hesitation, but I met with no mishaps, and I saw no one that looked suspicious. There were plenty of folks out enjoying the day, families and couples, a biker, and several people with dogs. I walked briskly for over a mile and was invigorated.

There were still some patches of snow along the way, but in another couple of days, I'm sure it will all be gone. Tomorrow is officially the first day of spring. So it's inevitable that the weather will soon be warmer.

I'm so grateful for the grace of God that although I may be so exhausted and downhearted one day, he doesn't leave me there. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak (Isaiah 40:29).

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Granted I'm not living in France during the French Revolution, but in a way I'm living through my own war. A war with emotional ups and downs, highs and lows. 

The week started out with Christy coming down with all her kids. I left work at noon on Monday, we had lunch together at our house, then we all went over to Care One Harmony Village. Christy and the kids did a musical program for Andy and the residents there. 

Each of the kids played the piano (except Claire who was nervous, so was excused since she is only 5). Then Christy and Grace played 4 or 5 hymn arrangements. They were familiar hymns and some of the residents sang along. 

After the mini-concert, we all went to Andy's room and just enjoyed being together. Andy and Christy were verbally sparring back and forth and laughing, having a good time. Christy captured a picture of a tender moment with Andy and me.

He seemed unusually cogent and with it.

When the rest of the family left to return home, Grace stayed with me. It was her birthday on Sunday so she stayed to celebrate with me. We did go back to the facility to hang out with Andy in the evening, but when we came back home, we did what grandkids like to do with their grandparents. At least, what our grandkids like to do: watch a movie and eat ice cream in the living room! 

In the morning, Grace had to do a class online, but that gave me the time to do my weekly cleaning and laundry. Then we went shopping for her birthday outfit. We finally found just the right thing with even a matching necklace that I couldn't resist adding to the ensemble.

Isn't she just the prettiest 16 year old you ever saw!!!!! And she's just as sweet as she is pretty - truly beautiful inside and out.

After we had our lunch, we went to the Rancocas State Park for a 3 mile hike. 

Too soon, it was time to take her home. I must have worn her out because she slept a lot of the way home. I stayed for the birthday dinner and cake before heading back to NJ.

So that was my best of the week time. 

When I went to see Andy the next couple of evenings, he was extremely exhausted and said he didn't feel well. I think the company, as much as he enjoyed it and it was good for him, just took a lot out of him.

I had another couple of times with friends that were very good and satisfying. On Wednesday afternoon, I met a friend for a hike near where she lives. I don't remember the name of the site, but it was a former golf course that has been converted to more of a nature park with paved paths that wind around the park, up and down and across a stream. It was a beautiful day with blue skies and wisps of white clouds. 

Another day, this same friend met me to go see a movie together. And this morning at church, a couple asked me how I was doing and when I couldn't lie, they offered to take me out to lunch. I decided to accept because isn't it better to be with friends than to suffer alone?

So with all this love and attention and good times, why am I so low today? Well, I had a rough time with Andy last night when I visited him. He said he needed to talk to me and get it out that he thought it wasn't good for us to live separately since we were married. He ended up crying with tears streaming down his face. I held him and tried to assure him that I loved him. But he said he's felt like I've been pushing him away. How that hurt. I asked him if he knew why he was there and he couldn't answer me. I told him he had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, but he didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. When I tell him that I can't take care of him at home, he doesn't seem to understand what I mean by that. He has no concept of what I was dealing with when he was still home. And I don't know that it is something that I should continue to remind him of. Does it really matter? Can he comprehend it? Or remember it tomorrow?

The interesting thing to me is that as I left him last night, he turned away from me and as I looked back at him, he seemed to already forget what we had talked about. So even though he was so sad while I was with him, he probably didn't think about it after I left. Meanwhile, it was all I could think of the rest of the night and all day today. I just feel so bad for him, even though I know it's what's best.

But here's the good part...God had mercy on me and us. This evening when I visited him, in the middle of my reading to him, he interrupted to ask me if I was upset. In probing, I was pretty sure he was referring to our discussion last night. (I was somewhat surprised that he remembered.) So I just started telling him that I didn't like our situation either. I would much rather we could live together. I don't like living apart. But this is what God has for us right now. 

I reminded him that Jesus was submissive to the Father's plan and went to his death without complaining or even opening his mouth (1 Peter 2:23). And he is our example. The Father is pleased when we submit to His plan for us, when we trust him. His ways are perfect even when we don't understand.

I reminded him that we have had a good life together, our relationship has been very special, and we need to have the attitude that Job did when he said: "Can we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10) Job also said, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21)

Andy listened quietly while I was telling him all this, then when I finished, he said, "You're right." And he was so at peace. I could see it in his face.

God has promised that his word will not return void. The Spirit ministers to our spirits and that was so obvious in this case. God used his Word to minister to Andy and quiet his soul. 

I am so grateful. May the name of the Lord be praised.

I feel like I'm in a breather...on a plateau...in a level place...solid ground! It may not last long, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm glad for a break from the extremes of emotion and stress.

Andy seems to be holding his own. He is adjusting to being in the memory care facility, even enjoying it at times. The care givers are amazing there. They happily show me pictures of his participation in their activities. 

I love the laugh lines on his face in this picture.

They celebrated Mardi Gras this week. King Andy and his queen! I had to block out the queen's face to put this one on the internet (please excuse my imperfect attempt). 

 
Even in his adjustment, there are still times when he just doesn't feel well. Several times this week, as I spent time with him, he told me he felt awful. He has a hard time explaining symptoms or being specific, but he's appreciative when I bring the nurse in to check him out and take his vital signs. I think it's a relief to him that he is being attended to. It is a relief to me as well, because if he were home, I would be at a loss to know how to answer him.

I continue to spend much time reading when I'm home, enjoying the quiet time. Although, I do read for pleasure, I gain so much more from books that challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I need the encouragement to keep my spirit in the right place: on the Lord and his work in my heart. It's so easy to let myself drift and not be intentional in spending time in the Word and with the Lord.

There are a couple of devotional books I'm reading each day, one of which is Spurgeon's Morning and Evening. Yesterday, both morning and evening readings focused on the grace of God. The morning focused on 2 Corinthians 12:9 where Jesus tells Paul that his "grace is sufficient for you." Spurgeon comments: "The one who would glorify his God must be prepared to meet with many trials. No one can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts are many. If, then, yours is a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will be better able to display the all-sufficient grace of God... The God who has been sufficient until now should be trusted to the end."  

And the evening's reading was a commentary on Psalm 36:8: "They feast on the abundance of your house. You give them drink from your rivers of delight." Here's what Spurgeon said about that.

"There is enough for each, enough for all, enough forevermore...Think how much grace one saint requires, so much that nothing but the Infinite could supply him for one day; and yet the Lord spreads His table not for one, but for many saints; not for one day, but for many years; not for many years only, but for generation after generation...Though our necessities are great, yet are we often amazed at the marvelous fullness of grace that God gives us richly to enjoy."

No wonder we sing "Amazing Grace." It never runs out, there is always enough for every moment of every day for every circumstance. 

Spring in February??? Bring it on, even though it can't last long...and already we're back to more wintry weather today. 

But having a couple of days in the 60's and 70's was a welcome treat. I met Dawn at Care One with her kids on Tuesday. We spent some time with Andy and he seemed more alert and tuned in than he had been for a while. He loves the kids.

Then surprise, surprise...Amy came down on Wednesday afternoon. She and her kids and I hiked up and down and around Mount Laurel before going over to spend a little time with Andy.

 

 

When we got to Care One, Andy was lying down on his bed in his room. We all walked in and as I opened his door, I said, "Andy, someone's here to visit with you." He sat up and when he saw Amy and the kids, his eyes lit up, and he was energized to get up and come out to the lobby to spend some time with us.

 The ice cream parlor is a treat whenever we are there.

Then Saturday morning, I asked Dawn if she was available to go on a hike with me and she graciously agreed to go with me. She only took Cole and that was easy since he was carried on her back. It was a 3 mile hike, so it got long for him, but Dawn had a package of Cheez-its. I kept on handing him one Cheez-it at a time and he was contented. 

 It was such a nice day we didn't even need a jacket. 

Earlier in the week, I was asked how I was doing. I took the opportunity to tell how worried I was about the future. How I didn't know if I would have enough money to keep Andy in the nursing facility. And when my money ran out, would I have to move him to another facility, and it all seemed so overwhelming.

The rest of the week, I was really troubled by my worry, lack of faith and trust in the goodness of God. Then last night I was reading in Numbers when the twelve spies brought back a negative report to the Israelites. God was really angry with them because they didn't remember how he had led them and provided for them up till that point. He said, "How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them?"

This really spoke to my heart. Worrying and not trusting God is actually treating him with contempt. When the future is unknown, I need to remind myself how God provided for me in the past. Remember how many people gave me encouragement at just the right time, the cards, financial help, lunches, dinners, meals, etc. that people gave at God's prompting.

So I have resolved that for now, I will not think about what happens two years from now. I will focus on enjoying each day and what it holds now in the present and will do so for this whole year. And I will not even make a plan for what happens after this year, but will trust that God will give me wisdom then for that time.

Of course, this is not something I can do in my own strength, so I'm trusting that God will help me grow in this area. He lives in me, and apart from him I can do nothing.

I came across an article that ministered to what I had written about several weeks ago. The Unwelcome Gift of Waiting - ugh! Who likes to wait? We're so used to instant everything. I can't stand it when I turn on my computer and it doesn't instantly boot up. But isn't it so true that when we wait for something, we are all the more gratified when the thing is realized? 

The article was written by Vaneetha Rendall Risner who wrote a book that I think I need to purchase: The Scars that have Shaped Me. Several of her quotes in the article resonate with me:

 “Waiting is not just about what I get at the end of the wait, but about who I become as I wait.”

 “As we wait by faith, we don’t hold on to a particular outcome. We hold on to God.” 

 “God knows what I need. I do not. He sees the future. I cannot. His perspective is eternal. Mine is not.”

There are a lot of verses that encourage us to wait on God. So it must not be just a 21st century problem. One of my favorite verses on waiting is Isaiah 64:4 - "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." 

If we wait on him and his timing, he will do the work. And after all, he's a lot more creative than we are in working all things out for his glory and our good.

Another year older...yes, I had a birthday this past week. I'm not one to tell how old I am, but as my aunt often says: "another year older is better than the alternative." Truly, life is a gift and I'm grateful.

I received this beautiful bouquet on Monday from a group of friends. It brought joy to my heart all week as I looked at it on my desk and smelled the delightful fragrance of the blossoms. I also got cards and fb well wishes from my friends and family. I felt loved - another gift I'm grateful for.

Speaking of life...I had an appointment at a funeral parlor on Tuesday to begin discussions about funeral arrangements for Andy and me. I confess that after I left, I was feeling a bit low. Although I know we're all terminal, it can be disconcerting to think about and actually plan your funeral. I was also not happy about how much it was going to cost. I've been advised that it's prudent to pay your funeral expenses now to help in the spend down of your assets to qualify you for Medi-caid. 

Thinking of writing a check for thousands of dollars got me on the worry track again. But God is so good and is helping me to realize where my mind is going. He brought me back on track before I spent too many empty moments on future scenarios. I was reading Proverbs 2 and 3 on Wednesday morning when I came to the verses that the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and discernment (Proverbs 2:6). I asked the Lord right then and there for that wisdom and to lead me in the right direction when it comes to spending money. After all, it's His money, not mine or Andy's. It is given to us to be stewards of, and I do want to be a good steward of his money and not spend it foolishly or needlessly.

Then later in chapter 3, I read these verses (25, 26): "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." 

Have no fear! This was such a comfort to me...the Lord will be my confidence (not how much money I have left over)!

I read some amazing portions in my devotional reading this week. I'm continuing to read Spurgeon's Morning and Evening every day. I also read all of Nancy Guthrie's Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow this week.

 

Here are some gems I wrote down from this week's reading:

"Our disappointments reveal that we don't value the eternal promises of God as much as we want him to fix what we see as our most significant problems. We think that our physical life is of ultimate importance. We have a hard time grasping the significance and reality of the life to come." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 37)

"Trials make room for consolation. We are 'happiest' in our trials because then we have the closest dealings with God." "Out of the depths, I cry to you, O Lord" (Psalm 130:1). (Morning and Evening)

"Our prayers tend to be inconsistent, self-centered and energized more by a desire to get what we want from God than to enter into what He wants. But there is One who prays for us whose prayers are never insincere and misguided. His prayers are earnest to the core. He is the only truly righteous person who ever lived. So certainly the earnest prayers of this righteous person have great power and produce wonderful results." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 62)

"He who made no mistakes in balancing the clouds and meting out the heavens, commits no errors in measuring out the ingredients which compose the medicine of souls." (Spurgeon, quoted in Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 83)

 "When we are weakened by the loss in our lives and Christ's power moves in, making us content when we don't have what we need, joyful in the midst of great sadness, and at rest in the midst of chaos, GOD IS GLORIFIED." (Hearing Jesus Speak...,page 116)

"Contentment is one of the flowers of heaven. It must be cultivated. It will not grow in us by nature. The new nature alone can produce it, and even then we must carefully and watchfully maintain and cultivate the grace that God has sown in us...Am I a diligent pupil in the College of Contentment?" (Spurgeon, Morning and Evening)

Did you notice the recurring theme...contentment? When we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on our circumstances, we will inevitably become disillusioned, despondent and discouraged. 

We are enjoying incredible weather right in the middle of February. And I was able to take advantage of it by hiking with a friend yesterday. We went to Rancocas State Park again - it's one of my favorites. We enjoyed blue water, blue sky and all on the blue blaze trail.

 

We enjoy so many blessings because of being children of God. I heard a song - new to me - by Selah: I Got Saved.

There is a river of gladness
That pours from Emmanuel's veins
This sinner was plunged beneath the flood
And got saved

Since then I walk in forgiveness
All of my guilt was erased
The chains of the past
Are broken at last
I got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've received nothing but goodness
I've tested and tasted Your grace
I was so lost
'Til I fell at the cross
And got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

The love of God
Gave me His pardon
The love of God
Won't let me stay the same
The love of God
Pulls me up higher
His will is stronger
That's why I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more
"I Got Saved" written Jennie Riddle, Corey Voss & @crystalyates for the upcoming Selah 2017 album.

If I've got Jesus...how could I want more? I have all that I need in Him. "I've received nothing but goodness, I've tested and tasted His grace." "I was so lost till I fell at the cross." He lavishes his grace, mercy and love on me continually.

"How long, O Lord?"

In our grief share support group, the last lesson focused on the why question that a lot of people struggle with when a loved one dies. I myself, have not asked that question. I don't have a problem with the sovereignty of God. After all, everyone is terminal. In my defense, I don't think this means I'm hard hearted because I do hurt emotionally when someone close to me dies. Perhaps it's more an indication of my personality to be accepting of what God allows so that I don't question the why of that death. 

But I do struggle with another question: "How long, O Lord?" I can echo Job and the psalmist as recorded in God's Word.

Job 7:4 ~ "When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on and I toss till dawn."

Psalm 6:3 ~ "My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?"

Psalm 13:2 ~ "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy (Alzheimers and Parkinsons diseases) triumph over me?"

Andy's struggle is in its fourth year. And who knows (only God does) how long it will go on. I feel badly for his pain, and I feel badly for my pain, as well. I don't like to see him suffer. He expresses his desire for it to be over so he can be with Jesus. And because I love him, I ache for him to suffer like this and wish for his sake, his struggle would be over.

But...God reminded me of several things as I was thinking of this.

Do you know Jesus also asked this question? Matthew, Mark and Luke all record Jesus being frustrated with his disciples and asking, "How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?" (Matthew 17:17, Mark 9:19, Luke 9:41)

Jesus was with his disciples three years, which at the time, seemed long to him. 

I also was reminded that 3-4 years is short compared to how long some people have to endure their particular crisis. There's a woman in our church with a 43 year old daughter who has the mental capacity of a 3-year old. Can you imagine caring for a person for that length of time? There's no end in sight. Or another family in our church who has had a daughter, now a teenager, with severe CP, in and out of the hospital multiple times and severely disabled. And what about Joni Earickson Tada who has been paralyzed from the neck down for nearly 50 years.

What I have discovered is that these people who have lived with these difficult situations for many years have experienced God's all-sufficiency in a deep and meaningful way. I was reading in Morning and Evening this morning a commentary on 2 Corinthians 1:5.

2 Corinthians 1:5 ~ "For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort, also."

Spurgeon says there is a perfect balance between our trials and their consolations. He says that "trials make more room for consolation. Great hearts can only be made by great troubles." He says we are often happiest in our troubles because "then we have the closest dealings with God...There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains, no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. They bring us to God and we are happier; for nearness to God is happiness."

I can say a resounding "amen" to these thoughts. I have found that God is so precious to me, the relationship I have with him is so dear. But it is all the more meaningful because I have experienced his all-sufficiency as I've walked through the darkest valleys. 

Nancy Guthrie in Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, writes that "the way of Jesus is paradox. On the surface of things, we have a hard time making sense of it. But deep down, we know it is true." 

I met Dawn at Care One on Tuesday morning so she could see her dad. I am happy to meet her there to help her with the kids while we visit with Andy. This past week when we were there, some of the residents were playing rhythm instruments along with a music cd that was playing. Andy was right on with his rhythm - he hasn't lost that musical ability.

I've been experimenting with making smaller recipes. Most of the recipes I make for my dinners last 2-3 meals. That's fine - I don't mind leftovers and it's saving enormously on my grocery bill. Isn't this cute? I thought it would be one serving of rice, but it lasted me two meals.

We got some snow this week. I like to look at the snow but am a chicken to drive in it. I asked someone to drive me to work on Thursday because I wasn't sure how long the snow was going to keep coming down or how deep it would get. Thankfully, it stopped snowing by mid-morning, the sun came out, the parking lot was being cleared - life was good! So I had my same driver take me home to get my car so I could then go back to work and stay as long as I needed to.

Yesterday was Christy's birthday and I invited myself over to her house for a couple of hours. I didn't see much of her because she and Christian had an errand to do in the city, then they had lunch together - just by themselves. But I had a fantastic time with the kids. We had lunch together and played a lot of games. And I can't believe I didn't take one picture of them. I guess I'll just have to go back again soon! (like I needed an excuse!)