On Wallin Pond

Without being too dramatic about it, yesterday I was sooooo tired. I forced myself to get up out of bed, although I really think I could have stayed there all day. Then after I got up, I forced myself to walk 2 miles on the treadmill, thinking that if I got moving, I'd start to feel better. Well, I didn't. But as I was walking, I came across the verse in Psalm 119:28 ~ "My soul is weary with sorrow..." That expresses it to a T. But the rest of the verse goes on to beg the Lord to "strengthen me according to your word."

In spite of the list I had made for myself to accomplish on a long day at home, I decided not to force myself to do anything except sit in my chair, quiet my heart and renew my strength in Him. 

I don't know why I should be so tired, but I do know that Friday night's visit with Andy was hard - again! At one point, he had told me that he never expected in all his life that he would end up in jail. I explained to him that he wasn't in jail, he was in a "hospital." He'd been struggling all week with not feeling well. He gave indications that he might be developing a UTI. I talked to the nurse several nights in succession, they took urine samples and kept an eye on him. But I don't know that he actually did have a UTI. We don't have the results back yet, but he seems to be acting and feeling better again.

Saturday morning, I met Dawn and we visited Andy for about an hour in his room. She brought Kira and Cole with her. Kira had been asking to see her Poppop again. She doesn't get to see him very often because of being in school.

When we arrived, he was napping. He gladly woke up when we got there.

We stayed an hour which is about his limit. 

I finished another book, A Grief Unveiled by Gregory Floyd. The book chronicles "one father's journey through the death of a child." His little boy was hit by a car and killed when he was only 7 years old. Can you imagine the pain and suffering he and his family went through? I resonated with a lot of what he related of his and his family's journey with grief.

I had been thinking lately about the whole idea of surrendering. I don't feel like I was doing a very good job of it. I kept picturing myself like the little girl who told her parents when asked to sit down: "I'm sitting on the outside, but I'm standing on the inside." Surrender - it sounds so impossible. But I've been feeling more at peace with it recently, and I'm realizing that even surrendering has to be done with the Spirit's help, by his living out through me. Living the Christian life is impossible. Only Christ can live the Christian life. So I need him to live in and through me.

Then this week as I read A Grief Unveiled, there was actually a chapter devoted to this very subject: "The Strength of Surrender." It was so good I just have to include a section here as a reinforcement for me. 

"Surrender implies commitment, but it is 99 percent the work of grace. I cannot force myself to surrender...It is a cleaving to the will of God, allowing him full sway in my life, with no hidden pockets of resentment." (page 184)

Scripture says that when we suffer, we can offer comfort to others with the comfort with which we have been comforted. (2 Corinthians 1) God teaches us many things when we go through deep waters. And I was so ministered to by what God taught this author as he suffered the loss of his little boy.

I've been struck recently that everyone has their share of suffering. It's not that mine is any more difficult than anyone else's. But mine is my own, tailor made for me to bring me to Christ. This life is full of pain and hard things. 

"Because the way to heaven is the way of suffering, and Jesus even became suffering for us to show us that suffering is not just evil, but is, in fact, part of the road that leads to heaven. God loves suffering  not as an end in itself, but for what it can make us and where it can lead us." (A Grief Unveiled, page 110)

I spent most of the morning at church today, interacting with people. I'm trying to find a happy medium between alone time and getting out to be with others. Thankfully, I felt so much better today. Of course, it helped that the sun was shining, the sky was a glorious blue and even though the air was chilly, there was a delicious hint of spring.

I decided after church to go for a hike. I've been thinking maybe I could venture out by myself as long as I went to a park where I knew there would be plenty of people. So I went with a little bit of hesitation, but I met with no mishaps, and I saw no one that looked suspicious. There were plenty of folks out enjoying the day, families and couples, a biker, and several people with dogs. I walked briskly for over a mile and was invigorated.

There were still some patches of snow along the way, but in another couple of days, I'm sure it will all be gone. Tomorrow is officially the first day of spring. So it's inevitable that the weather will soon be warmer.

I'm so grateful for the grace of God that although I may be so exhausted and downhearted one day, he doesn't leave me there. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak (Isaiah 40:29).