It was the best of times and the worst of times. Granted I'm not living in France during the French Revolution, but in a way I'm living through my own war. A war with emotional ups and downs, highs and lows.
The week started out with Christy coming down with all her kids. I left work at noon on Monday, we had lunch together at our house, then we all went over to Care One Harmony Village. Christy and the kids did a musical program for Andy and the residents there.
Each of the kids played the piano (except Claire who was nervous, so was excused since she is only 5). Then Christy and Grace played 4 or 5 hymn arrangements. They were familiar hymns and some of the residents sang along.
After the mini-concert, we all went to Andy's room and just enjoyed being together. Andy and Christy were verbally sparring back and forth and laughing, having a good time. Christy captured a picture of a tender moment with Andy and me.
He seemed unusually cogent and with it.
When the rest of the family left to return home, Grace stayed with me. It was her birthday on Sunday so she stayed to celebrate with me. We did go back to the facility to hang out with Andy in the evening, but when we came back home, we did what grandkids like to do with their grandparents. At least, what our grandkids like to do: watch a movie and eat ice cream in the living room!
In the morning, Grace had to do a class online, but that gave me the time to do my weekly cleaning and laundry. Then we went shopping for her birthday outfit. We finally found just the right thing with even a matching necklace that I couldn't resist adding to the ensemble.
After we had our lunch, we went to the Rancocas State Park for a 3 mile hike.
Too soon, it was time to take her home. I must have worn her out because she slept a lot of the way home. I stayed for the birthday dinner and cake before heading back to NJ.
When I went to see Andy the next couple of evenings, he was extremely exhausted and said he didn't feel well. I think the company, as much as he enjoyed it and it was good for him, just took a lot out of him.
I had another couple of times with friends that were very good and satisfying. On Wednesday afternoon, I met a friend for a hike near where she lives. I don't remember the name of the site, but it was a former golf course that has been converted to more of a nature park with paved paths that wind around the park, up and down and across a stream. It was a beautiful day with blue skies and wisps of white clouds.
Another day, this same friend met me to go see a movie together. And this morning at church, a couple asked me how I was doing and when I couldn't lie, they offered to take me out to lunch. I decided to accept because isn't it better to be with friends than to suffer alone?
So with all this love and attention and good times, why am I so low today? Well, I had a rough time with Andy last night when I visited him. He said he needed to talk to me and get it out that he thought it wasn't good for us to live separately since we were married. He ended up crying with tears streaming down his face. I held him and tried to assure him that I loved him. But he said he's felt like I've been pushing him away. How that hurt. I asked him if he knew why he was there and he couldn't answer me. I told him he had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, but he didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. When I tell him that I can't take care of him at home, he doesn't seem to understand what I mean by that. He has no concept of what I was dealing with when he was still home. And I don't know that it is something that I should continue to remind him of. Does it really matter? Can he comprehend it? Or remember it tomorrow?
The interesting thing to me is that as I left him last night, he turned away from me and as I looked back at him, he seemed to already forget what we had talked about. So even though he was so sad while I was with him, he probably didn't think about it after I left. Meanwhile, it was all I could think of the rest of the night and all day today. I just feel so bad for him, even though I know it's what's best.
But here's the good part...God had mercy on me and us. This evening when I visited him, in the middle of my reading to him, he interrupted to ask me if I was upset. In probing, I was pretty sure he was referring to our discussion last night. (I was somewhat surprised that he remembered.) So I just started telling him that I didn't like our situation either. I would much rather we could live together. I don't like living apart. But this is what God has for us right now.
I reminded him that Jesus was submissive to the Father's plan and went to his death without complaining or even opening his mouth (1 Peter 2:23). And he is our example. The Father is pleased when we submit to His plan for us, when we trust him. His ways are perfect even when we don't understand.
I reminded him that we have had a good life together, our relationship has been very special, and we need to have the attitude that Job did when he said: "Can we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10) Job also said, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21)
Andy listened quietly while I was telling him all this, then when I finished, he said, "You're right." And he was so at peace. I could see it in his face.
God has promised that his word will not return void. The Spirit ministers to our spirits and that was so obvious in this case. God used his Word to minister to Andy and quiet his soul.
I am so grateful. May the name of the Lord be praised.
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