In our grief share support group, the last lesson focused on the why question that a lot of people struggle with when a loved one dies. I myself, have not asked that question. I don't have a problem with the sovereignty of God. After all, everyone is terminal. In my defense, I don't think this means I'm hard hearted because I do hurt emotionally when someone close to me dies. Perhaps it's more an indication of my personality to be accepting of what God allows so that I don't question the why of that death.
But I do struggle with another question: "How long, O Lord?" I can echo Job and the psalmist as recorded in God's Word.
Job 7:4 ~ "When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on and I toss till dawn."
Psalm 6:3 ~ "My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?"
Psalm 13:2 ~ "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy (Alzheimers and Parkinsons diseases) triumph over me?"
Andy's struggle is in its fourth year. And who knows (only God does) how long it will go on. I feel badly for his pain, and I feel badly for my pain, as well. I don't like to see him suffer. He expresses his desire for it to be over so he can be with Jesus. And because I love him, I ache for him to suffer like this and wish for his sake, his struggle would be over.
But...God reminded me of several things as I was thinking of this.
Do you know Jesus also asked this question? Matthew, Mark and Luke all record Jesus being frustrated with his disciples and asking, "How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?" (Matthew 17:17, Mark 9:19, Luke 9:41)
Jesus was with his disciples three years, which at the time, seemed long to him.
I also was reminded that 3-4 years is short compared to how long some people have to endure their particular crisis. There's a woman in our church with a 43 year old daughter who has the mental capacity of a 3-year old. Can you imagine caring for a person for that length of time? There's no end in sight. Or another family in our church who has had a daughter, now a teenager, with severe CP, in and out of the hospital multiple times and severely disabled. And what about Joni Earickson Tada who has been paralyzed from the neck down for nearly 50 years.
What I have discovered is that these people who have lived with these difficult situations for many years have experienced God's all-sufficiency in a deep and meaningful way. I was reading in Morning and Evening this morning a commentary on 2 Corinthians 1:5.
2 Corinthians 1:5 ~ "For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort, also."
Spurgeon says there is a perfect balance between our trials and their consolations. He says that "trials make more room for consolation. Great hearts can only be made by great troubles." He says we are often happiest in our troubles because "then we have the closest dealings with God...There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains, no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. They bring us to God and we are happier; for nearness to God is happiness."
I can say a resounding "amen" to these thoughts. I have found that God is so precious to me, the relationship I have with him is so dear. But it is all the more meaningful because I have experienced his all-sufficiency as I've walked through the darkest valleys.
Nancy Guthrie in Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, writes that "the way of Jesus is paradox. On the surface of things, we have a hard time making sense of it. But deep down, we know it is true."
I met Dawn at Care One on Tuesday morning so she could see her dad. I am happy to meet her there to help her with the kids while we visit with Andy. This past week when we were there, some of the residents were playing rhythm instruments along with a music cd that was playing. Andy was right on with his rhythm - he hasn't lost that musical ability.
I've been experimenting with making smaller recipes. Most of the recipes I make for my dinners last 2-3 meals. That's fine - I don't mind leftovers and it's saving enormously on my grocery bill. Isn't this cute? I thought it would be one serving of rice, but it lasted me two meals.
We got some snow this week. I like to look at the snow but am a chicken to drive in it. I asked someone to drive me to work on Thursday because I wasn't sure how long the snow was going to keep coming down or how deep it would get. Thankfully, it stopped snowing by mid-morning, the sun came out, the parking lot was being cleared - life was good! So I had my same driver take me home to get my car so I could then go back to work and stay as long as I needed to.
Yesterday was Christy's birthday and I invited myself over to her house for a couple of hours. I didn't see much of her because she and Christian had an errand to do in the city, then they had lunch together - just by themselves. But I had a fantastic time with the kids. We had lunch together and played a lot of games. And I can't believe I didn't take one picture of them. I guess I'll just have to go back again soon! (like I needed an excuse!)
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