"Jesus Christ was not spared by his Father. Whenever Paul was tempted to think, 'God might have spared me that,' this truth was what came to his mind: God had not spared Jesus! God did not single out Jesus to give him special protection from the harsh experiences of life. Indeed, 'God did not spare him' might be putting things as mildly as possible. For from the cradle to the grave, Jesus was certainly not spared!

Think of his early life: born in a stable, miles away from home; carried by his parents to Egypt for a couple of years; brought up in Nazareth, where perhaps his earthly father, Joseph, died while Jesus was in his teens or twenties. Then he knew hunger and poverty during his ministry; as well as the sorrows of bereavement; suffered the abuse of others; was eventually betrayed by one of his own disciples and then hours before his death, denied by one of his closest friends. He was beaten, spat upon, and ultimately exposed to public shame and crucified. Jesus was not spared at any time during his life. 

But Paul saw something more than human sufferings in this drama of the Messiah's life. He felt there was something almost unnatural about it, which haunted him until it eventually became the source of great comfort and joy. He was familiar with God's revelation of himself as the Father of his people: 'I will spare them' God had said through Malachi, 'just as in compassion a man spares his son who serves him' (Malachi 3:17). Jesus had served his Father, as a son should serve a father. But contrary to all that is natural, his Father did not spare him.

Yet Jesus deserved to be spared. He did not deserve to experience the cruelty and malice of men in this world. He did not deserve to be poor, or hungry, or to feel his heart breaking as he stood before the effects of sin in man's life. If only we could see ourselves in the light of God's holiness, we would never defiantly ask, 'What did I do to deserve this?' We would know that before God's righteous judgment we deserve nothing good. But Jesus could quite righteously have asked, 'What did I do to deserve this?' In a sense that was the meaning of his cry of dereliction on the cross: 'My God, why have you forsaken me?'  Why had he not been spared? In the horror of his loss of his sense of communion with God, nothing seemed to make sense. There, on the cross, it must have seemed as though right had become wrong; good, evil; God's righteousness, the terrible judgment and condemnation of an innocent man.

Yes, Jesus deserved to be spared. Think of what he had accomplished in his short ministry. He had preached about a Father he knew and loved, and who knew and loved him. He had introduced a whole generation of men and women to this Father in heaven. He had healed the sick, given sight to the blind, even on occasion brought men back to life. His words were glorious, his life impeccable, his whole being perfect before both men and God. Everything about him seemed to point to the conclusion: here is One who deserves to be spared.

But Paul tells us Jesus was not spared. And in saying that, he is simply summarizing the teaching of the gospels. Yet almost certainly Paul knew something more than just the fact that Jesus was not spared...Paul knew Jesus had prayed that, if it were possible, he might be spared. In the Garden of Gethsemane, on the night before he was crucified, Jesus had cried to God, apparently in terrible agony, 'Father, if it is possible, let this cup [the sufferings of the cross] pass from me. On the cross he later cried, 'My God...' but in the garden, his appeal was that of a son to a father. What father could possibly fail to grant his child's cry? But Jesus was not spared."

From chapter 6, "The Savior", in A Heart for God by Sinclair B. Ferguson

I was grateful for God to lead me to this reading this week before Easter. As many times as we have heard the gospel story, I want it to be fresh and meaningful every time I read it and contemplate it. What a sacrifice from both God the Father and God the Son to devise this plan, then carry it out. When thinking of the relationship the Father and Son enjoyed, how painful and heart breaking it was for the entire Godhead to endure. But it was done so that I might be brought into the family of God and enjoy eternity with God and his people forever.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

It somehow makes my own heartache a little less significant. If God the Father loves me as much as He loves His Son, and He does, then can't I trust Him to make all things right? That is a rhetorical question with an assumed positive answer.

John 17:23 ~ "I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."

Romans 8:32 ~ "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

I didn't have any appointments or obligations on Tuesday so I went and picked up Kasey for another "girl" day. She brought a bag full of horses and was happy to set them up. It's something she likes to do, but she plays with boys all day who get great pleasure in coming along and knocking all those horses over.

We also played Candy Land with 4 year old "rules" or lack, thereof!

We checked out the pond - and there happens to be water in it right now, thanks to all the snow we recently received.

Several things I had been waiting for have finally happened. What a relief to at long last have some closure and check them off my list. 

On Friday, I went and got Grace and brought her back to stay with me overnight and all day Saturday. Her birthday is early March but because of school work and other commitments, this is the first time that worked out for her to be free. 

On Saturday morning, we went over to see Andy. Some of the residents of the facility were out in the lobby waiting to participate in an activity. But when the activities director saw Grace with her violin, she said they didn't need to do the activity, they would listen to Grace's playing. Of course, when they heard her, they just wanted her to keep playing. She played a number of songs, then we took Andy back to his room.

While we were in there, the activities director came looking for us and asked us to please play some more for the residents. So we stayed a while longer while Grace played everything all over again. Well, since it's a memory loss facility, it didn't matter how many times she played a number. They were happy to sit and listen. 

After spending some time there, we went shopping together for her birthday outfit. It was such a nice day, so we had to get in some hiking, too. We went over to The Black Run Preserve and hiked about 3 miles. It was a gorgeous day - perfect for being outside in God's beautiful creation.

 We got back to the house in time to prepare for the rest of the family to join us for dinner. Amy and Ricky, Dawn and Tommy, Christy and Christian and all the kids. It can get pretty wild and crazy but I love it.

We ate together, then had an egg hunt for the kids. 

Spring is such a beautiful visual reminder of the dead coming back to life. It helps lift the spirits and puts a "spring" in our step again.



Matthew 28:5-6 ~ "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as He said."

Mark 16:6 ~ "Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here."

Luke 24:5-6 ~ "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!"
 

  
Because God did not spare His own Son, the resurrection could take place. And because of the resurrection, sin and death are defeated, and we will also live again after we die. 

He is risen! He is risen indeed!

Grace turned 17 on Monday so I had to drive over to Pa to celebrate. I made a cheescake for her the day before to help contribute to the festivities.

 

As usual, Claire provided the entertainment.

 

The big excitement of the week was the nor'easter that came through. It started out with rain on Wednesday morning. I was beginning to think the forecast was all just a bunch of hype, but by the time I left work at noon, the rain was turning to snow and the roads were pretty slushy and slick. It snowed all afternoon and was very treacherous out there. The snow was wet and heavy. Tree branches started breaking...I could hear them hit the ground with a whack. The snow was so beautiful...but did damage to a lot of trees in my yard as well as all over this part of south Jersey. We ended getting 7-8 inches.

The next morning, the sun came out and I was able to walk around a little to assess the damage. Unbelievably, I did not lose power although all over the neighborhood, others did.

This is going to be a lot of work to clean up. I don't care so much about the elms or maples, but the dogwood tree and holly tree had more significant damage. I don't know if they can be "fixed."

I thought the holly might straighten up after the snow fell off the branches, but on closer inspection, the roots were poking up out of the ground. I don't know if it can be straightened out, then staked. I'm willing to give it a try.

I was looking for another book to read, checking out the bookshelves, and settled on Future Grace by John Piper. I read it years ago, but decided it was a good time to be reminded of God's amazing grace in my life. I'm glad I picked this book because as I opened it and began reading, I was delighted to find Andy's notes from when he had read it.

I love everything John Piper writes. He is so God-centered with many reminders throughout his writing that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. 

"The reason future grace is so important is that everything in the Christian life depends on it. You can't be a Christian without faith in future grace. Jesus said, 'The way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it' (Matthew 7:14). Every turn in that narrow way is planned by future grace and empowered by future grace. At every point on the way, true saints sing, 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.' Every glance backward sparks gratitude for bygone grace; every look forward casts the soul onto faith in future grace."

Another paragraph:
"Grace would not be grace if it were a response to resources in us. Grace is grace because it highlights God's own overflowing resources of kindness. Grace is eternal because it will take that long for God to expend inexhaustible stores of goodness on us. Grace is free because God would not be the infinite, self-sufficient God he is if he were constrained by anything outside himself."

I desperately need this grace to make it through my visits with Andy every evening. His tremors continue to increase, then cause him distress and anxiety. It's so hard to see him like this. I often tear up as I drive home afterwards. I continue to read to him after I help with his dinner, but I really don't think he is understanding what I'm reading. Sometimes, he listens quietly, but often he is restless, getting up, pacing around, rearranging things in his room, or even leaving the room to wander around. 

There are bright spots, though, in the rest of my day. Dawn and I have been making it a habit to meet once a week at Starbucks. We have our drinks and chat for over an hour.
 

She needs the break from all the little ones she cares for during the day, and I need to spend the time with her, too. This is a gift.

One of the things I've been waiting for came through this week. My application for a HELOC (home equity line of credit) was approved. I was advised to apply for one as a cautionary measure. I may not need it, but it will be a back up - in case!

I also met with two independent financial advisors who were invaluable in helping me to understand my financial situation. I'm grateful for this affirmation, I consider it a grace from the Lord. My faith is not in my finances, but in the God of my finances. It's his money and I'm grateful that he is giving me these encouragements along the way. My money is not going to last forever, but for the present at least, I am determined to trust that he will provide all my needs (according to his riches in glory).

On Friday night, I was privileged to  attend Kira's elementary school's talent show. Kira performed a dance routine (What does the fox say?) with two of her friends. They were so cute and it was a treat to be there for her.

I spent all day Saturday inside. It was a long day, but there wasn't really much to do except work on a puzzle. There is still too much snow on the ground to be able to work outside.

Grace has been rehearsing all year with the Bucks County Youth Orchestra and they had a concert Sunday afternoon at the Delaware Valley University in Doylestown. I drove over for the performance and met Christy, Asher and Claire to enjoy the concert. 

 

 

Afterwards we had dinner at Panera's. 

I'm grateful for these opportunities to be with my family, to participate with them in their special moments.

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Granted I'm not living in France during the French Revolution, but in a way I'm living through my own war. A war with emotional ups and downs, highs and lows. 

The week started out with Christy coming down with all her kids. I left work at noon on Monday, we had lunch together at our house, then we all went over to Care One Harmony Village. Christy and the kids did a musical program for Andy and the residents there. 

Each of the kids played the piano (except Claire who was nervous, so was excused since she is only 5). Then Christy and Grace played 4 or 5 hymn arrangements. They were familiar hymns and some of the residents sang along. 

After the mini-concert, we all went to Andy's room and just enjoyed being together. Andy and Christy were verbally sparring back and forth and laughing, having a good time. Christy captured a picture of a tender moment with Andy and me.

He seemed unusually cogent and with it.

When the rest of the family left to return home, Grace stayed with me. It was her birthday on Sunday so she stayed to celebrate with me. We did go back to the facility to hang out with Andy in the evening, but when we came back home, we did what grandkids like to do with their grandparents. At least, what our grandkids like to do: watch a movie and eat ice cream in the living room! 

In the morning, Grace had to do a class online, but that gave me the time to do my weekly cleaning and laundry. Then we went shopping for her birthday outfit. We finally found just the right thing with even a matching necklace that I couldn't resist adding to the ensemble.

Isn't she just the prettiest 16 year old you ever saw!!!!! And she's just as sweet as she is pretty - truly beautiful inside and out.

After we had our lunch, we went to the Rancocas State Park for a 3 mile hike. 

Too soon, it was time to take her home. I must have worn her out because she slept a lot of the way home. I stayed for the birthday dinner and cake before heading back to NJ.

So that was my best of the week time. 

When I went to see Andy the next couple of evenings, he was extremely exhausted and said he didn't feel well. I think the company, as much as he enjoyed it and it was good for him, just took a lot out of him.

I had another couple of times with friends that were very good and satisfying. On Wednesday afternoon, I met a friend for a hike near where she lives. I don't remember the name of the site, but it was a former golf course that has been converted to more of a nature park with paved paths that wind around the park, up and down and across a stream. It was a beautiful day with blue skies and wisps of white clouds. 

Another day, this same friend met me to go see a movie together. And this morning at church, a couple asked me how I was doing and when I couldn't lie, they offered to take me out to lunch. I decided to accept because isn't it better to be with friends than to suffer alone?

So with all this love and attention and good times, why am I so low today? Well, I had a rough time with Andy last night when I visited him. He said he needed to talk to me and get it out that he thought it wasn't good for us to live separately since we were married. He ended up crying with tears streaming down his face. I held him and tried to assure him that I loved him. But he said he's felt like I've been pushing him away. How that hurt. I asked him if he knew why he was there and he couldn't answer me. I told him he had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, but he didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. When I tell him that I can't take care of him at home, he doesn't seem to understand what I mean by that. He has no concept of what I was dealing with when he was still home. And I don't know that it is something that I should continue to remind him of. Does it really matter? Can he comprehend it? Or remember it tomorrow?

The interesting thing to me is that as I left him last night, he turned away from me and as I looked back at him, he seemed to already forget what we had talked about. So even though he was so sad while I was with him, he probably didn't think about it after I left. Meanwhile, it was all I could think of the rest of the night and all day today. I just feel so bad for him, even though I know it's what's best.

But here's the good part...God had mercy on me and us. This evening when I visited him, in the middle of my reading to him, he interrupted to ask me if I was upset. In probing, I was pretty sure he was referring to our discussion last night. (I was somewhat surprised that he remembered.) So I just started telling him that I didn't like our situation either. I would much rather we could live together. I don't like living apart. But this is what God has for us right now. 

I reminded him that Jesus was submissive to the Father's plan and went to his death without complaining or even opening his mouth (1 Peter 2:23). And he is our example. The Father is pleased when we submit to His plan for us, when we trust him. His ways are perfect even when we don't understand.

I reminded him that we have had a good life together, our relationship has been very special, and we need to have the attitude that Job did when he said: "Can we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10) Job also said, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21)

Andy listened quietly while I was telling him all this, then when I finished, he said, "You're right." And he was so at peace. I could see it in his face.

God has promised that his word will not return void. The Spirit ministers to our spirits and that was so obvious in this case. God used his Word to minister to Andy and quiet his soul. 

I am so grateful. May the name of the Lord be praised.

The holidays are over but we had fun while it lasted. God graciously surrounded me with family who helped keep the spirits up. We had our family Christmas gathering yesterday, Saturday, New Year's Eve. We kept the tradition of several years now by having a brunch menu, although this year we ate at noon. We had been wondering if Naomi would be able to be with us since she hadn't been home from the hospital for very long. But she is finally on the mend, thanks to the Great Physician!

The Wallin family invasion began around 11:00 and by the time all three families were here, there were 7 adults and 11 children. I'm so grateful that we can all fit around one loooooong table. And there was plenty of food for all, even enough left overs to provide for nibbling throughout the afternoon.

After eating, it was time for opening our gifts. Someone suggested we go from oldest to youngest. I was so impressed how patient those littlest ones were. They held on to their presents but did not open them until it was their turn.

Claire loves the frilly, sparkly dresses. I found this one for a very good bargain.

And Amy made her the fairy wings which she wore the rest of the day.

After the gifts,the adults hung around and the kids played while Cole took his nap. 

Then we all went over to Care One for another Wallin family invasion. Those poor people probably wondered what in the world was going on when we all started streaming in the doors. But the children were well behaved and we entertained the residents and family members who were in the lobby. Grace played a very difficult piece on her violin ...what a treat. If you would like a sample of how she did, you can click here.

 
 Then the other kids wanted to exhibit, as well.

Andy seemed to enjoy the show and having us all there. I was a little concerned that we might wear him out being there are so many of us. But he loves his family.

Speaking of family, I've been making an effort to get to know some of the other residents and their family members where they visit. It has been striking to me that we're somewhat unusual in that there are so many of us. A couple other families have told me they have one grandchild, another family has none. Two couples I've met whose spouses are residents with memory loss, have told me he has 1 child, she has 2. So apparently, there are blended families, his and hers families. 

God has chosen to bless us with family. And this is a blessing I am extremely grateful for. 

Last week I mentioned that my wallet was "stolen." Two days ago, after I left Care One, I received a call that someone had turned in my wallet to the front desk. So I went back to get it. As it turned out, one of the residents had taken it and her husband found it a couple days later. He turned it in. Actually, having one of the Care One residents take the wallet was the best case scenario since they can't go anywhere to charge purchases. All my cards and cash were intact. Nothing had been touched. Of course, I had already canceled all my credit cards and even gotten a new driver's license because I didn't know what had happened to the wallet. Well, this is a lesson learned: do not assume you can leave your purse in Andy's room unattended. 

A friend from church graciously gave me 7 meals she had prepared. She fixed them ahead for her family, then set aside a single serving for me that she froze. Actually, they are more than a single serving. So far, I've been able to get 2 meals out of each that she's given. How generous and kind of her.

People continue to tell me they're praying for me. I'm very grateful because everyone says the holidays are difficult when there's a change in the family dynamic. December was hard because of getting used to the new routine. Andy is no longer home. And he wasn't with us at our Christmas brunch and gift openings. But maybe this is where it helps to have such a large family. Of course, no one can take his place, but his legacy lives on in his children and grandchildren. I didn't experience the depths of despair or even twinges of guilt. I am so grateful that he is getting good care. 

A couple of nights ago, while I was with Andy, he was finishing up his dinner, when he told the caregiver that he was doing a good job. He chuckled, but I seconded Andy's comment and thanked the young man for taking such good care of Andy. I asked him if he enjoyed his job. And he affirmed that he did. It takes a special gift to care for people who can't care for themselves. I know my gifts don't lie in that area, but I'm thankful for others who do have those gifts.

This is the beginning of a new year. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. Whatever comes our way is what the Sovereign Lord has determined. And those plans are "to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) And that hope has a name: it's Jesus. "Christ in you, the HOPE of glory" (Colossians 1:27).

Christ is Enough
Christ is enough for me

Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

Christ my all in all
The joy of my salvation
And this hope will never fail
Heaven is our home

Songwriters: Jonas Myrin / Reuben Morgan

Christ Is Enough lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group