Seasons come and seasons go. I've been wrestling with the idea of not blogging any more. I've come through a season of intense difficulty and struggle, but that is now over. Yes, there are other things that I'm dealing with and will experience, but the level of intensity has eased significantly.

I feel like I'm beginning a new chapter in the story of my life. God is still very present in that story, but it's going to be different from what I've come through.

I believe God is leading me to be more involved with my grandkids and family. I'm excited about spending more time with the ones I love.

I believe the purpose of my life is not over, and although I'm still searching that one out, I believe that God will show me along the way His purpose for me.

Remember by Lauren Daigle
Album: Look Up Child
Released : 2018
In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear’s on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all alone
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way
I’ve seen giants fall, I’ve seen mountains move
I’ve seen waters part because of You
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

 I can’t stop thinking about
I can’t stop thinking about
I can’t stop thinking about
Your goodness, goodness

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there
With me

Although the journey was difficult, I'm grateful for the memory of God's faithfulness, nearness and presence with me on that journey. It is a comfort to have that experience of His goodness to me in the middle of what appeared to be very bad, because it strengthens my faith that no matter what the future holds, God will continue to be faithful.

There are 52 verses in Psalm 89 and Ethan the Ezrahite, who wrote the psalm, mentions God's faithfulness in seven of those verses, as well as describing God's love as being faithful.

Psalm 89:1
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."

Verse 2
"I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself."

Verse 5
"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too, in the assembly of the holy ones."

Verse 8
"O Lord God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfulness surrounds you."

Verse 14
"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you."

Verse 33
"But I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness."

Verse 49
"O Lord, where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David?"

Verse 24
"My faithful love will be with him...(speaking of David)

And even "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself" (2 Timothy 2:13).

What an awesome God. He is worthy of all our honor and glory and praise. May the rest of my life be a testimony of God's grace.

God continues to pour out his lavish grace on me. His mercies are new every day, multiple times a day.

In Sunday school class this morning, we read Lamentations 3 and were amazed at how awful Jeremiah's life was, all the horrible things he was experiencing. He is very detailed in his suffering:
"My skin and flesh grow old and my bones are broken (verse 4);
I am besieged and surrounded with bitterness and hardship (verse 5);
I dwell in darkness like those long dead (verse 6);
I am walled in so I cannot escape and am weighed down with chains (verse 7);
I am mangled and left without help (verse 11);
I am a target for arrows (verse 12);
I am a laughingstock of all my people, they mock me all day long (verse 14);
My teeth are broken with gravel and I am trampled in the dust (verse 16);
I have been deprived of peace, I have forgotten what prosperity is (verse 17).

But in spite of all these awful descriptive pictures of his terrible suffering, Jeremiah concludes:
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23)

Is Jeremiah being realistic? I would wholeheartedly say yes, he is. I have experienced the goodness of the Lord in spite of going through suffering. I think his goodness is more evident when we are desperate, when there's no where to go except to the Good Shepherd, where we receive everything we need and lack nothing.

The intensity of my suffering has eased. In fact, in a way, I don't feel like I am suffering at all right now. For five years, I was so consumed with Andy's illness, making sure he was being taken care of, worrying about how to pay for his care, making decisions without his input, and generally, getting used to being a widow even though I technically wasn't one yet. But all that is now behind me. It feels like there has been closure, with a new chapter opening up before me.

That doesn't mean I don't think about Andy any more. On the contrary, I think of him all the time. And I expect that I'll always carry him in my heart. Having done life with him for 44 years makes a difference in the way I live my life now.

There are a number of changes that will be coming my way in the near future. This is helping me to have purpose to my life. I have a future and a hope, as Jeremiah says in Jeremiah 29:11.

I had another grandchild over this past weekend. This time it was 8 year old Katy. She chose to watch The Fox and the Hound and decided to watch it as a fairy.

Speaking of thinking of Andy at every moment of the day, one of the songs in the movie was Goodbye May Seem Forever:

Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's a memory 
And there you'll always be. 

Yes, how true. It was hard not to get choked up on that one.

Katy has a wonderful imagination, and it was fun to play with her on some of her fantasies. When she woke up on Saturday morning, she was a vet healing the broken leg of a hurt dog.

We had a good time together, eating ice cream, watching a Veggie Tales video, coloring, playing with Kira, playing some games, and taking a hike. The weather was so inviting for hiking, and we went over to Black Run Preserve again. The leaves are past their peak, I think, but there was still enough color to make the walk a delightful excursion.

We found a very big leaf...bigger than Katy's head.

All in all...another beautiful weekend spent with one of my grandchildren.

We sang a song this morning in church with the lyrics in the chorus:

Oh Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
It's Your endless love pouring down on us
You have made us new, now life begins with You
from Death Arrested by Adam Kersh, Brandon Coker, Heath Balltzglier, and Paul Taylor

I love the imagery of grace washing over me. Another song describes grace as an ocean, then goes on to add: "we're all sinking."


Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!


John 1:16 ~ "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

Romans 5:17 ~ "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians9:8 ~ "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Ephesians 1:7, 8 ~ "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

Ephesians 2:7 ~ "...In the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus."

Thank God for his amazing grace!

While  I was in Maine, I was reading Elisabeth Elliot's book, The Path of Loneliness. This was such an applicable book for me at this time. She was a widow twice, and I resonated with much of what she wrote.

I have been telling people when they ask me how I'm doing: "Amazingly well. People must be praying for me because God is lavishing his grace and mercy on me."

Then I came across this in Elisabeth Elliot's book:
"I did not cry at the memorial service for my first husband. It seemed very strange to onlookers, I'm sure -- 'She must be made of concrete!' -- but I am not the only one who has experienced this. It often happens that those whose loss is greatest receive the greatest share of grace, mercy and peace. This does not mean that they never cry, of course. But they do not collapse. Those who only watch and pray and try to put themselves in the place of the bereaved find it almost unendurable. Sometimes they weep uncontrollably, for their imaginations never include the grace."

She goes on to say that the "peace given simply passes understanding, and I am borne up by those intense prayers, as if on strong wings, far above grief."

Yes and Yes...so it is with me. Who can explain it except to say that "God is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Another chapter in her book is titled, The Gift of Widowhood. She says that everything is a  gift, another assignment. How can she say such a thing? Widowhood a gift? She reminds us that "there would be no widowhood if there was no death. The inexorable love of God allowed me to become a widow. The Lord of Hosts is absolutely sovereign. He holds power over the universe, He holds authority over my life - not because He usurps the rights with which He endowed me in creation, but because I had specifically asked Him to be Lord of my life."

Are we serious when we pray, "not my will, but yours be done, Lord"? How often do we sing: "I surrender all"? Do we mean it? Do we trust God that he really does know what is best for us? These are hard questions. I suppose it is easier for certain personality types to be more compliant and trusting, but even then, we can really do nothing in our own strength apart from the grace of God providing for my endurance in whatever comes my way.

I believe God is enabling me to continue living, and not collapsing in utter despair. I am the recipient of many blessings and I'm grateful that He has given me eyes to see and enjoy those blessings. He has given me so many grandchildren that I could have one over once a month and occupy my whole year in that way.

Since I returned from Maine, I'm trying to get caught up on having the grandkids over for a sleepover with me. I got a little behind because of going on vacation in June, then being involved with Andy's illness and funeral.

I was able to have Chase over the end of September (see previous post). Last Saturday was Naomi's turn. We watched a lot of movies together, and it was so therapeutic to laugh together. We watched 2 Love Bug movies and several Andy Griffith episodes. We giggled at the silly expressions and antics of Barney Fife.

We also got in a hike at Palmyra Cove along the Delaware River. The weather was lovely. Naomi told me she was glad that I walked briskly and didn't lag behind. I took that as a compliment since I'm 56 years older than she is!

In the middle of the week, I went back to Palmyra Cove with a friend and we hiked the same trail. Again, it was a lovely day - perfect fall weather.

There was activity in the tidal pool with lots of gulls, but also at least 6 egrets. They were pretty far away from us so the pictures didn't turn out too well.

On our way out of the park, we paused to take pictures of deer that were in the woods right beside the road. They were very calm, not at all frightened of us. They were probably as curious about us as we were thrilled to be looking at them.

The sky was so blue, making a beautiful backdrop to this craggy old willow tree.

Then on Friday, Amy drove down with Joanna and Katy to leave Joanna for her turn with Grammy. She loved playing games, and we playing almost continually. I taught her a few new ones. She caught on quickly to the rules of the games and joined the tradition of all my other grandkids by beating me most of the time. Fortunately, they don't seem to hold it against me that I'm just not able to win when I play with them. (Actually, I think it boosts their self image to beat me!)

We also took a hike on Saturday morning...to another of my favorite places: Black Run Preserve. It was pretty dreary, but at least it wasn't raining, and wasn't too hot or too cold. There were hints of color in the leaves. I love the enthusiasm of the kids when they're hiking. I'm impressed with how observant they are, noticing details that I often miss.

We got back to the house, had our lunch, then picked up Kira to join us at the movies. 

What a fun weekend. Now it's back to my quiet house but I must say, I don't mind. I like both having the kids and having quiet. 

Elisabeth Elliot says that there is a difference between loneliness and being alone. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. And that, too, is a gift. There is value in alone time. The Bible often speaks of and encourages us to "Be still and know that I am God." It's hard to know God when we're busy and distracted with many activities and things. But when we're quiet, we have  time to contemplate God and His goodness, thanking Him for the gifts He gives. Everything we have is a gift from Him.

Widowhood is a gift...it's a new beginning, an opportunity to watch God provide for my needs, to be my Protector and Caregiver. "The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow." Psalm 146:9

Children are a gift..."[They] are a reward from Him...Blessed is the [Grammy] whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3, 5

Alone time is a gift..."In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15 "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

 

It's been over two months since Andy passed from death to eternal life. I didn't know if I would continue my posting. The best word to describe how I was feeling was: "numb." I appreciate my many friends and family members who are concerned about me. I don't always know what to say when they ask how I'm doing. I've come through deep sorrow and at the same time, have experienced moments of great joy.

The day of the memorial service, Pastor told me I could take off as much time as I needed. So I went to work the next day! I reasoned that it would be better than sitting at home by myself. And it was. But after another couple of days, I knew I had to get away. I was physically exhausted and emotionally fragile.

I called my sister in South Carolina and she immediately and graciously urged me to stay with her for a week. I quickly arranged for the office to be covered while I was gone and bought airline tickets.

We didn't have an agenda except to relax and be together. My sister is gifted in hospitality and loves to spend time in her kitchen. She treated me royally with gourmet food and the gift of just sitting in a comfy chair to read, think and chat with her. We did get in a couple of fun things: a pedicure, a hike in nearby woods and a trip to the Biltmore estate.

Raspberry cheesecake with coconut crust

Lemon curd

The grounds at the Biltmore estate in Ashville, NC, had a beautiful display of Chihuly glass sculptures that we enjoyed.

I had to leave SC earlier than I had planned because Hurricane Florence was on the way. I was able to change my flight out without additional cost and got home safely. The time away was such a gift, a respite sorely needed.

Then the following Sunday at church, I really struggled again. Everything reminded me of Andy: the carpet in the lobby (he oversaw the process of replacing it); the auditorium (he worked with Rich on adding decorative molding); walking by the nursery (he loved working with the kids and oversaw the staffing); and even the worship service (how many years had the two of us led worship?). Everyone seemed glad to see me and were kind to ask me how I was doing, but I couldn't help dissolving in tears and admitting: "not good."

But God in His mercy, provided another get away for me. Three Sundays in a row, I missed going to my own church. Don't get me wrong, I love my church, but a break from the pain of all the memories there was essential.

I have been very busy with family in the last several weeks: meeting with Dawn for coffee and conversation; having grandchildren over for special one-on-one time; spending time with the girls and their families, and going to Maine with my special friend, Ruth.

God continues to minister to me through various avenues. I believe He led me to consider what the purpose of the rest of my life should entail. I love the verse Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10 where he stated that he wanted to know Christ and make him known. Then I received Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word on September 26. He talked about the fear of public speaking that many people experience. He went on to teach that many of us are not called to a public ministry of teaching or preaching, but we are all called to be God's instructors to each other.

He went on to explain:

The Apostle Paul instructs us all, in Colossians 3:16, to “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.” In this context, Paul is talking about the myriad of everyday-life ministry opportunities that God gives to each of his children.

(This passage is not addressing seminary students or pastors or elders. At the beginning of the chapter, he starts with, “If then you have been raised with Christ…” That's all of us, any Christian, regardless of vocation or location.)

So what do these everyday-life ministry opportunities look like? David shares one in Psalm 51:13: “I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

This type of teaching doesn’t require us to lay out a comprehensive theology of grace. Most of us wouldn’t be qualified to do that. Instead, this type of teaching requires us to share our stories of rescue and transformation with others.

This one-on-one, informal ministry is not teaching the person about grace. Rather, I am sharing my experience of grace. People learn, not because I’ve opened the dictionary and given them a lecture, but because I’ve shown them the video of grace in operation in my own life.

What qualifies us to teach in the personal ministry context of everyday life is the grace that we have received in our own moments of need. By being willing to share my own story, I am being a tool of transforming grace in their lives...you will always be called to a life of daily gospel transparency.

So there it is. I have experienced God's lavish grace as I've gone through deep waters. I could not do this in my own strength and in my own power. And if God receives great glory by my display of His grace in my life, then doesn't that make all of this worth it? He alone is worthy. I want to make His name great and glorious.

Psalm 66:2
"Sing the glory of His name; make His praise glorious!"

1 Peter 1:3-7
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade -- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Psalm 116:15 ~ "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

May 12, 1951 - August 3, 2018

Several years ago, I memorized Psalm 116. The Psalmist talks about how death is so overwhelming, how he cries out to the Lord for relief and mercy. He encourages himself to rest in the Lord and remember how good God has been to him. Then right in the middle of the psalm, he tells us that it is precious to the Lord when his saints die.

Isn't this a great comfort? Yes, we are very sad in the here and now, but God is delighted to welcome his child "home" to himself. How precious we are to him. 2 Peter 1:11 says, we will receive a "rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." So I can imagine a big party going on as Andy is welcomed into the arms of Jesus.

I had no idea when I posted my update 2 weeks ago that Andy was in his final week of life on earth. I posted that he had his eyes closed the whole week. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she said she would check his record to see if his meds had been changed. I didn't hear from her, so I called her on Monday afternoon. As I was on the phone with her, she told me they had called the ambulance and would be transporting him to the hospital. I was questioning the advisability of that because there are setbacks every time someone with dementia spends time in the hospital. But she assured me that there was something wrong, and they didn't have the ability to diagnose and treat him there. He needed professional care. She said his abdomen was extended so that he looked 5-6 months pregnant. That was causing alarm at his facility because they didn't know what was going on.

I left work immediately and drove to Care One. His ambulance left soon after I arrived, and I drove up to the hospital to be with him. He was assigned to room #13 in the Emergency Room and was already in a bed when I arrived. His eyes were closed (they never opened through that whole week) and he was also pretty agitated. His Parkinson's tremors and twitches were pretty severe. I texted my friend, Pat, about the situation and she joined me in the ER as soon as she could. This was a wonderful gift from the Lord. She is a nurse and very knowledgeable with hospital terms and is also not afraid to be aggressive in seeking help when the situation requires it. She normally has a class she attends on Monday, but that day it had been canceled so she was free to be with me.

The doctor who was on duty was a God-send, so kind and compassionate. Pat asked him if he thought Andy qualified for hospice, and he immediately agreed and said he would send the hospice representative to speak to us and get us registered. A CT scan revealed that Andy's kidneys had failed which is the reason his abdomen was so extended. They immediately began to drain the urine, and his stomach went back to normal size. An unbelievable amount of urine was drained, 3 liters in 4 hours.

As long as this doctor was on duty, things progressed well. Unfortunately, he had to leave, but he was nice enough to give Pat his email address and tell her she could contact him if we needed him. This was a God-send, as well, because as soon as he left, it was like everything shut down. We sat there and sat there, waiting for the next step. I went to the nurse's station, Pat went another time, but each time we were told, they were working on it. Finally, at 9:30, Pat told me to go home since I was so exhausted, and she would stay to make sure Andy was taken care of. I left things in her care. She emailed the doctor and told him what was happening (nothing). He was kind enough to contact the nurses and then things moved. Andy was transferred to the hospice section of the hospital. By midnight he was situated with those kind, compassionate hospice nurses.

The rest of the week was spent in his room by his bed. All three girls came to be with me as often as they could. This was bittersweet because it gave us a lot of time together remembering stories of Andy, laughing and crying together.

Tuesday was pretty rough because Andy's body was twitching and his breathing was raspy. But as the week progressed and morphine and ativan were increased, his body became calmer. We had many visitors throughout the week which was such an encouragement to us. It indicated that people loved Andy and he meant a lot to them.

Throughout the week, the hospice nurses were trying to prepare us for Andy's passing. We were told that people can spend 24/7 at the patient's bedside, then get up to go to the bathroom. In that moment the person might quietly slip away. This can be an indication that the patient thinks this is a way to protect his loved ones. But in my heart, I had asked God to allow me to be present when he left his body. His family always meant so much to him, that I knew he would want us to be there with him at the end. And God granted that request.

On Thursday, after changing Andy's position, the nurse came to get us from the lounge where we had been having a little something to eat. When we went into his room, his color was very gray and it looked like he wasn't breathing. Dawn and I held his hands on either side of the bed, the nurse was there as well - all 3 of us just watching him. All of a sudden, he gave a huge gasp and started breathing again. Well, that gasp made all three of us jump. We weren't expecting that. We commented that he obviously didn't like to be repositioned.

The next day, Friday, the nurse came in the room to say they were going to reposition him again. Christy and Dawn and Andy's brother, Dan, were there with me. Dawn and I were apprehensive about the repositioning, and we watched him carefully. After the nurse was finished, Andy turned gray again and stopped breathing. We asked the nurse about this, she checked his heart, said there was a little bit of a flutter, then left the room. She knew! And he never took another breath. He slipped quietly and peacefully into eternity, into the arms of his beloved Savior. There was no last gasp or death rattle, which I found out later is usually the case with hospice patients because of the morphine.

So Andy's journey was over. All week people have been so kind, willing to do anything, whatever I need. Their comments, cards, flowers and love have been so comforting. I went to work most days and people seemed surprised, but as I explained: the house is quiet and empty, the days are long when I'm there all day by myself. I am much more energized to be with people.

So the question these days is: how am I doing? Well, on the one hand, I'm doing well. There is a certain sense of relief that Andy's suffering is over, my uncertainty over my finances is taken care of. On the other hand, there is a finality to death, even though we knew that's where this illness was heading. In preparing for the funeral, looking through pictures, remembering stories, there have been moments of laughter, as well as tears. Andy and I were a team. We did so much of life together. Yes, I have a lot of memories - all of them good - which is a blessing.

I don't know why God allowed us to go through this particular trial, but I can unreservedly say that He never left me or forsook me through it all. He showed me in many and varied ways that He was orchestrating the circumstances and taking care of me in amazing ways. He proved to me that His grace is indeed sufficient for our every need. I came to know in a more intimate way His unending and unfailing love for me, His child. My suffering helped me to empathize with Jesus' suffering for me. 

I am grateful that Andy isn't suffering any more. His death has been swallowed up by life. God is wiping away his tears, and he will never suffer or experience pain or mourn again.

1 Corinthians 15:54 ~ "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

My daughters have been wonderful, so supportive, in spite of their own suffering. They loved their dad, thought highly of him and will miss him terribly...as will I.

The memorial service will be Monday at 11:00 am. It will be live-streamed, then posted to facebook. I'm so glad this technology is available because we've been hearing from our friends all over the country that they want to be here, but for one reason or another cannot.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. 
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, You are with me. 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building form God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."

Because of the daily experience of dealing with Andy's Alzheimer's, it's hard to remember just how he "used to be." But God graciously gave me an encounter this week with a friend who knew us for a number of years. After asking how Andy was doing, he went on to remark how impressed he was with how Andy used to "star" in all those yearly Easter plays, memorizing all those lines and all the words to the songs he sang. I agreed that was impressive. That memory led to another one that I related to him. Andy used to like reading his Greek New Testament. He said he did it to keep his mind fresh in the language. I got out that Greek NT to look through it and sure enough, he had many notes in the margins - obvious that he spent time reading and studying the original language.

Impressive, right? It's a difficult language which is why you often hear the phrase: "It's like Greek to me."

The Sunday school class I attend has been doing the "No Guilt Book Club" this summer, where we've been taking turns to review books we've read and can recommend to others. I offered to take a turn which happened to be last Sunday. I reviewed the book, Be Still My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie. The book includes 25 authors, a few of whom are John Calvin, Martin Luther, Timothy Keller, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, who write about suffering. I gave a short background on my own situation, then used the book to share how those readings really ministered to me in my own suffering. It's such a blessing to have the examples of these Christian men and women who have gone through suffering through the centuries and have written about it for those of us who come after them. God is good. He knows our needs and is always "there" for us. Actually, he is "here" and "near." And there's nothing like suffering to know how needy and desperate we are and how close he is to the brokenhearted. I was really excited about this opportunity and happy to share some of the things I have learned and experienced through this journey.

Then the rest of the week was difficult. It feels like there have been another couple of steps downward in the progression of Andy's disease. Every night this week, he has sat at dinner with his eyes closed. I have to call his name to give him a bite. He'll open his eyes, take a bite, then close them again. Then the last two nights, as he continues to keep his eyes closed, he chews his food, but doesn't swallow. He chews and chews and chews while I wait to give him his next bite. I think last night he ate about 3 bites out of his whole meal. Tonight was a little better. He chewed and swallowed, finishing almost his whole plate of food. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she thinks he may have had a change in medications because he has been showing some combativeness. That is another disturbing detail.


Amy and her kids came down on Tuesday to visit. They met me at the house and hung out a while before going over to see Andy. Chase walked into the house with a Monopoly game under his arm. Amy explained that he wanted to play it with me. My heart sank. I do not like that game. It usually goes on interminably. But since I try to be a good Grammy (!), I agreed to play with him. Amy played with the two of us, which was kind of her to join me. Well, Chase being the typical competitive male, aggressively bought up the most expensive properties, then proceeded to buy up houses to jack up the price should anyone land on his property. As it turned out, Amy was the first to go bankrupt after landing on his place, and I wasn't far behind. Chase was so happy to have won, but secretly I was happy, too - not only because he was happy, but because that was the end of the game!

Our time with Andy was hard and we didn't stay long, but as we left, Amy gave Andy a hug and clear as day, Andy said: "I love you so, so much."

So there's the ebb and flow of life. I was reading an excerpt from Anne Morrow Lindbergh's, The Gift from the Sea. She was comparing the ebb and flow of the tides to our relationships with people, but I think it also applies to life in general. Life is fluid; sometimes we experience good times with few problems, other times, we struggle to keep our heads above water. She says that each cycle of the tide is valid, each cycle of the wave is valid. We can't change it, "it is what it is." But our acceptance of those changes and willingness to surrender to God's will in those circumstances is what makes the difference.

Another day, I read an excerpt from J.B. Phillips. He was a friend of C.S. Lewis and is known for his contemporary translation of the New Testament. He wrote that as he was translating Ephesians 2:4 where the text says that "God is rich in mercy," he was struck that this phrase was a "positive jewel...Just as we might say that a Texas tycoon is 'rich in oil,' so Paul writes it as a matter of fact that God is 'rich in mercy.' The pagan world was full of fear, and the Christian gospel set out to replace that fear of the gods or the fates, or even life itself, with the love for and trust in God. 'Rich in mercy' was good news to the ancient world and it is good news today."

Mercy is not the only quality that God is rich in. Ephesians 1:7 says that "God lavished the riches of His grace on us with all wisdom and understanding." And Psalm 145:8 says God is "rich in love."

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom." (Psalm 145:3)

As I was becoming an adult, in my teens, my sister and I were responsible to take care of the house so my mother would be available to help my dad with barn and field work. Sister loved to cook and bake and I loved to clean, organize and arrange things neatly. We had a convenient plan worked out so that the housework would be done between us, and we each did what we preferred.

Unfortunately, she didn't come with me when Andy and I got married. Unfortunately, because I had no experience with making a meal. Poor Andy had to put up with my learning to read recipes and make something tasty. I have to give him credit for his patience. In all the 44 years of our marriage, he only ever got up from the table once to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course, I learned his likes and dislikes and made an effort to learn the art of cooking. But he was pretty patient with me.

I can get by, and even enjoy the kitchen now, but am by no means, anything special. You would think that since I don't have to cook for Andy any more, that I would welcome the break from that responsibility. But yesterday I was feeling like spending some time in the kitchen, so I made one of our favorite recipes: baked ziti. It makes a lot, even when I halve it, and I'll be eating it probably every day this coming week. I actually divided it into 7 meals and froze 3 of them to enjoy at a later date.

Dinner for 1 - a whole 13 x 9 pan all to myself. What was I thinking? It was more than enough - which reminded me that is how God's grace can be explained - more than enough!

Luke 6:38 ~ "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap."

Psalm 23:5 ~ "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Another day I thought I would indulge by making strawberry shortcake. It seemed like a wonderful idea since strawberries were in season.
 

 It was so good and I justified the sugar by eating it without whipped cream.

I am currently reading Spiritual Classics in my morning devotional time. I'm grateful that we have the writings from saints who lived and experienced life with God through the ages. What a blessing to have insights from others who loved and served God through the years.

Richard Foster is a theologian and author who has written a number of books, but this one is a compilation of different authors throughout the centuries. Here is a sampling of what I read last week.

"Give me Your grace, good Lord...to set my mind fast upon You...gladly to be thinking of God, piteously to call for His help, to lean into the comfort of God, busily to labor to love Him." (Thomas More, page 6)

"Contemplation involves giving ourselves time to relax in God's presence. In the quietness, aware of His presence, we open our hearts to His love. Our prayer is usually wordless and fed by a deep desire for Him. This leads us on to a place where instead of seeking God, we are found by Him. We discover that long before we came to our place of prayer, He was seeking us. So He responds to our longing. We bask in the warmth of His love. We feel His gaze on us. He fills us afresh with His Spirit. We receive a new perspective on life - His perspective. We draw so close to His heart that we sense His concern for the world and from our contemplation flows intercession as we catch His compassion for a hurting world." (Joyce Huggett, page 14)

"We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us in order to purchase the one good in whom is all our joy - and in whom, moreover, we get back everything else that we have renounced besides." (Thomas Merton, page 18)

"God loves to love us far beyond our most extravagant hopes. At the very heart of the universe is God's utter compassion and loving care for all his creation. God delights to lead us into the 'dizzy heights of love' - to the extent that we welcome it and to the extent that we can stand it." (Richard Foster's reflections on Marguerite Porete's essay, page 27)

"Prayer is the precious fruit of the Word - Word of God that has become wholly our own and in that way, has been inscribed deep in our body and psyche, and that now can become our response to the love of the Father. The Spirit stammers it out in our heart, without our doing anything about it. It bubbles up, it flows, it runs like living water. It is no longer we who pray, but the prayer prays itself in us. The divine life of the risen Christ ripples softly in our heart." (Andre Louf, page 33)

And this is my favorite of the week:

"There is no great mystery concerning the will of God, in so far as it applies to our small selves. God's will is written into His nature, and the nature of God is LOVE." (Agnes Sanford, page 39)

When we think of God's will for us in this way, how can we be anxious about the future?

"'Thy will be done' - We are only absolutely infallibly certain of the will of God concerning the past. Everything that has happened, whatever it may be, is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Father. The future, also, whatever it may contain, once it has come about, will have come about in conformity with the will of God." (Simone Weil, page 49)

"God cared for His children [in the feeding of the 5,000] and could, did and would provide for their necessities...a throb of the Father's heart. Because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God ready to forsake us...Care for the next minute is just as foolish as care for the morrow - in neither can we do anything and in both God is doing everything." (George MacDonald, pages 79-83)

I'm so blessed by God's ministry to me. It's been such a struggle for me to not worry about the future. I need continual reminders that God's got this. The very nature of God is love, and all his actions toward his children are loving and kind.

I met with my attorney this past week and I was so encouraged by her assurances that things will work out financially. I'm not going into detail on the internet but will be happy to share those details with anyone who talks to me personally.

Last night when I woke up in the middle of the night, God brought to my mind Psalm 91:4; the picture of hiding under God's wings, being covered by his feathers. Doesn't that sound like a safe place to be?

I love God's word pictures that help us visualize his peace, his protection, his provision for us, the sheep of his pasture.