Kira's birthday was last Friday and she was excited about spending an overnight with me at my house. We arranged for me to go pick her up after I visited with Andy on Monday night. It is so nice to have another person in the house to interact with. We watched a movie together, then cuddled while I read several stories to her before bed.

On Tuesday morning we drove over to Target for her to pick out her birthday present, then went to visit with Andy. Dawn met us there with her other kids.

Andy and Cole really connect. Andy is still the "helper," jumping in to meet the needs of the little ones. I love how his personality bent still manifests itself in spite of his illness. He saw Cole struggling to feed himself and was right there to help him. It's also amazing that Cole "let" him because he typically wants to feed himself. I love this picture of tenderness and sweetness.

 

I brought Kira back with me for the rest of the day and spent the afternoon at our neighbor's house so she could play with the little girls next door. Those girls often ask me to let Kira have a play date with them, but I'm not Kira's mommy so I don't have much say in whether or not Kira can play with them. But this time, it worked out that they could play and play and play. I hung out with the mom - which was a treat for me, as well.

Andy is finally starting to feel better after getting the med situation resolved. He has been on antibiotics now for a week, and in fact, should be finished with that round today. He will now be on a maintenance drug to keep the bacteria under control. 

He looks better but still has the significant tremors. I'm not sure that will ever be resolved but the doctor is trying a different med for that, as well. We'll see how that develops.

I've really resonated with the grief share emails I received this week. Earlier I read the following:

Can you truly say that God is good?
“One of the worst things you can do as a Christian is to go around with this plasticized mask on saying, ‘I love God, and He’s so good,’ when your heart is breaking inside,” says Dr. Joseph Stowell.
“Sometimes you may say, ‘God is good,’ with tears running down your cheeks, but He is good, and He will see you through, and He never wastes your sorrows. He didn’t waste the sorrows of His Son on the cross. He won’t waste your sorrows. He, by His magnificent power, will transform them into that which is good—that which brings gain to the kingdom and glory to His name.”
Everything God does is good. Believe this with your heart, and hold on to this truth for unfailing strength in times of sorrow.

Oh yes...I've been there with the tears running down my cheeks, even though God is good. I could write pages and pages on how good God is to me. Just one example from this week is the way he took care of something that was nagging at the back of my mind. Earlier in the summer, Tommy had trimmed my bushes along the driveway. They looked so good when he was finished. But by now, several months had elapsed and the bushes were looking ragged again. So I'm wondering if I should ask him to come over again or if I should ask someone else. You know, spread the wealth! I mulled this over for a couple of days and finally the Lord reminded me that Andy's friend, Dan, had told me that any time I needed any help around the house, just call him. Then my next thought was the memory that one time, Andy had told me that Dan loves to trim bushes. It was like a light bulb went on in my head. I texted Dan and he gladly and promptly made arrangements to come over to trim those bushes. He brought his 10 year old son and they did the job in a matter of an hour or so. The bushes look so much better and every time, I drive in and out of the driveway, I am reminded of God's provision: in friends who are eager to help, and his ideas on how I can get the jobs done that I can't do myself.

Another evidence of God's goodness is the ability he has given me to get outside, the strength and health to be able to work on my property. The last couple of days have been so pleasant so I've spent hours out there, picking up sticks, and "cleaning up" - happy things for me.

And several mornings ago, I looked out my back kitchen window and thought I saw a deer in the neighbor's yard. I grabbed my phone and went out to see how close I could get. 

That was a blessing. I love to see deer. At least, I did that day. The next day as I was opening my shades, I was shocked to see my hosta plants that were now leafless. I guess the deer found them during the night and had a little snack. So let me edit that statement about my loving to see deer. Actually, I do still love to see them, I just don't love when they eat my plants.

My poor hostas. :(

I don't know if anyone else struggles with guilt like I do. I hear about other people doing certain things and I wonder if I'm doing enough. I know there are people with loved ones at Care One who are with their spouses all day long. So that makes me wonder if I am with Andy long enough. Then there are others who care for their loved ones at home in spite of unbelievable obstacles they deal with daily/hourly: changing diapers, dressing, changing clothes, bathing, hand feeding that takes hours per meal, etc. 

Then the Lord led me to a wonderfully freeing verse in Scripture: 1 John 3:19-20 ~
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

How often have I read 1 John but the truth of these verses never hit me like they did in this my specific hour of need. I can rest in his presence, even when my heart condemns me because God is greater than my heart. I need to remember that Jesus is not the Accuser, he always lives to intercede for me and on my behalf. I need to trust that he is leading me in my situation and not comparing me to others. It was so obvious that he led us to place Andy in Care One when we did, and if I experience doubts and self-condemnation, I need to remember that those do not come from the Lord. 

Every year I read through the whole Bible and this year, I decided to read with a red pen handy. Every time I read about God's love for his people, I underline that phrase and thought in red. I've noticed that often God's love is not only mentioned, but is described as unfailing. God's unfailing love! So far I'm still only in the Psalms but I have lots of red lines to remind me that God is love.


Yes, God is good. I believe it with all my heart, even though sometimes the things I experience in this life don't feel good. It's hard to explain to someone else, but it's in hard times that we experience God's all sufficiency. He is the Rock on which we stand, our firm foundation, our Hope, our Shelter in the time of storm, our Strength, our Joy, our Peace, our All in All.

Psalm 119:68 ~ "You are good and what you do is good."

We were sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office on Friday afternoon, when I noticed Andy's restlessness. It didn't take me too long to wonder if he was suffering with another infection. We were at the doctor for a scheduled cystoscopy, but this was a development that made me wonder if the procedure would take place. Andy continued to be agitated and in distress. He wanted to leave, but I was able to talk him into staying. He seemed to feel more at peace with the promise that the doctor was going to see him and take care of him. 

Sure enough, the culture results revealed an infection, so the cystoscopy had to be rescheduled. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic, calling it into the pharmacy and I took Andy back to Care One. I spoke to the nurse there, filling her in on what had developed and that an antiobiotic had been called in. She said the pharmacy usually delivered the medicine to the facility and probably Andy would be able to take his first pill that evening yet.

Well, that did not happen. When I visited on Saturday, he still hadn't taken any medicine, he was still in distress and very uncomfortable. In talking to the nurse (a different nurse from the evening before), I explained the situation to her and she said she would call the pharmacy to see what had happened to the medicine. Believe it or not, the pharmacy was closed. They close at 3:00 on Saturday and are not open on Sunday either. Grrrrr. 

How is this possible? The pharmacy that the nursing home uses is closed on the weekend??? 

This morning at church, I told a couple of people this situation and one of them, a nurse, advised me to call Andy's doctor, explain what I was dealing with, and ask him to call in the prescription to a different pharmacy. So I did. The doctor I spoke to was very accommodating and said he would call in the prescription that Andy needed.  I expected to get a text from the pharmacy when the prescription was filled, but when I didn't, I gave them a call. I was told the prescription could not be filled because insurance rejected it. It had been filled by a different pharmacy. Talk about a run-around. But when I explained the situation to the pharmacist, he said I could pay for the medicine myself since it was only $9.99. Ok - I can handle that. 

I was finally able to get the medicine Andy needs and took it over to Care One and the nurse said she would start him on it. (I called just now to check on her and she assured me she had given him his first pill.) What a saga!

Earlier this week, I received an email from Grief Share. I am including it below.

Sometimes when you ask why, He answers by reminding you of the eternal picture. Learn to live your life in light of eternity. Live each day from the perspective of one whose life lasts forever.
Dr. Joseph Stowell says, “I can’t underscore enough how important it is to prepare for grief and sorrow ahead of time. One of the ways to do that is to get a grip on eternity, on the world to come. Learn to live here in the light of there so that you are seeing all of your daily affairs and daily routines in light of the world to come. You need to see all of your interactions and reactions and value systems in light of the value systems of the world to come. Then when grief or sudden loss or wrenching sorrow and deep disappointment shatter your world, you are already schooled in all the realities that give you strength in that moment.”
There is much more to this life than just doing your best day by day until you die. The big picture is that a glorious eternity is in store for those who know the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
“Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off” (Proverbs 23:18 nasb).
“And this is what he promised us—even eternal life” (1 John 2:25).

 My heart is so heavy for Andy's distress, but I keep reminding him and myself that this is only temporary. We should not be surprised by the pain and sorrow we experience. This is common to us all. But the good news is that some day it will all be over. 

Then this morning's email from grief share also was a good reminder to rest in the sovereignty of God:

Because God sees your real need, He wants to give you an answer far better than the answers you seek. You may demand reasons and explanations, but what you need is something more—you need the Lord.
“For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28).
Think about the astounding reality of this Bible verse. God is all-sufficient for you. Your very being is in Him. You need Him for survival; you do not need answers.
Joni Eareckson Tada says, “Because God is at the center of the universe holding it all together, and because everything in Him moves and breathes and has its being, He can do no more than give Himself. To do anything less is to be less than Himself. Why seek pat, dry, formulized answers when you can actually receive the flesh-and-blood reality of the love of God?”
God would not be God if He were not sufficient for everyone.

And that is what we constantly need to be reminded of:  Christ is enough; He is more than enough.

Our youngest daughter, Amy, is very good at getting us all together. A couple weeks ago, she said it was time again. So we were able to come up with a date - today! Everyone was able to make it down to our house for dinner together. I was pretty excited to see the weather was going to be beautiful - a nice warm, but not hot, summer evening - perfect for eating outside on the deck.

Christy was able to get here earlier than everyone else, so we decided to go see Andy before dinner. In spite of the fact he hadn't been feeling well all weekend, he looked like he was doing pretty good. He greeted everyone with waves and hugs, then we sat in Care One's conference room and listened to Grace play her violin. She is so good and a pleasure to listen to.

The music was a hit with all the residents, not just Andy and us. Plus, everyone also enjoyed the two puppies they brought along. I have noticed that Andy gives us a broad hint when he's had enough. He tires easily and can only take it so much, then he'll say, "Well, I've got to get going." That's the clue that we need to get going! If I then ask him if he's tired and wants to go back to his room, he agrees that yes, that's what he means.

Having my family here with me this evening was such a blessing after the stress with Andy's medicine. The kids had fun playing together, the adults enjoyed each other's company, I love serving them and feeding them and providing a place for them to hang out.

Several weeks ago I was feeling lonely in church. When I expressed this to a friend, she suggested that it might be better for me to spend more time at church, surrounding myself with friends. She reminded me that weekends seem interminable by myself, and staying at church longer than just an hour might be helpful.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been attending an adult SS class at 9:30, then the church service at 11:00. This gives me more time hanging out with people I know, as well as sitting under good teaching. I have been pleasantly surprised by the SS class. The teacher has been excellent, and I've been enjoying the subject matter. He is currently teaching on the Psalms. 

I love the Psalms...they're my "go-to" reading material when I am feeling low. Something I hadn't heard before on the psalms is that the Bible is God's inspired Word to us, but the psalms are our words and feelings to God. Yes, they're still the inspired Word of God, but they express the very human and sometimes, earthy feelings we have as we face difficult circumstances. The Psalmist expresses frustration, anger, despair, depression, happiness, grief, praise - a whole gamut of emotions. Because God included these expressions in His Word, it gives legitimacy to our own emotions. 

For instance, Psalm 6 resonated with me a couple of evenings ago where David says his soul is in anguish. He says he is faint and his bones are in agony, he is worn out with groaning and floods his bed all night with weeping. His couch is drenched in tears. His eyes grow weak with sorrow. But even though he enumerates in great detail his anguish, he doesn't leave God out of the equation. He remembers that the Lord hears his prayer when he asks for mercy and deliverance. 

And then there are Psalms 42 and 43 where the psalmist speaks to himself, asking three times why he is downcast. "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" Then he answers himself by admonishing himself to "Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." This is the only way to climb out of the pit of despair, to take our eyes off ourselves and our situation and look to Jesus. He's where our hope lies. He is our HOPE.

I love the Casting Crowns song: O My Soul:
Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary from fearing
You lost control
This was the one thing
You didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see
If you stop believing

 [Chorus]
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

[Verse 2]
Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise
That someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now
He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was
Ash and stone
This much I know

 [Bridge]
I'm not strong enough
I can't take anymore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
And my shipwrecked faith
Will never get me to shore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
Can he find me here?
Can he keep me, from going under?
Written by: JOHN MARK HALL, BERNIE HERMS  Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

I love that phrase: "there's a place where fear has to face the God you know." God's perfect love casts out fear. He is not the author of fear and if we are his child, we are no longer a slave of fear. God loves me perfectly and I don't need to fear the future or the uncertainties of that future.

I had a busy week. I don't think I could have fit one more thing into my schedule on Tuesday. I had a hair appointment first thing, then met Dawn and kids at Care One to visit Andy, went to a friend's house for lunch, had a Dr. appointment for myself at 3:15, went back to visit Andy again at dinner time, then met Dawn at Starbucks to hang out for an hour or so. Whew!

Andy's appointment on Wednesday went well. He was pretty lethargic, walking very slowly and not at all agitated. I know people were praying about that outing and I'm very grateful. I was thinking he was getting an MRI, but as it turned out, it was a CT scan instead. The MRI is what makes him claustrophobic, so I was happy he didn't have to have that test. The technicians and nurses prepping him for the testing were kind and patient with him, but he was so unresponsive to their requests to slide down or position himself differently on the table. I helped with him as long as I could before I needed to leave for the actual test itself (for my own protection).

Yesterday I drove up to Christy's house so we could make plans for our vacation. We planned our menu for the two weeks we'll be together, as well as checked out things to do in the places we'll be staying. 

While there, I was able to play a couple of games with the kids. I played Phase 10 with Claire. I won every hand and she was writing down our scores after each hand. She would write down a 0 for me, then giggle. It was so cute. I assured her that in another year or so, she would start beating me at games, just like her older brothers and sisters do. She insisted she didn't want her older sister to help her, which helped me to keep winning!

Last night when I visited Andy, he was actually feeling pretty good. He was almost like his old self. But tonight was a different story again. His tremors wouldn't stop and he said he felt so awful. He again brought up about going to "be with Jesus." I can't help but feel so bad for him. I also almost feel guilty that I feel so good and I'm having a great time with family and friends. But even though I'm enjoying my life, I do miss him being a part of it. I don't like leaving him at Care One even though he is getting good care, and I know it's where he needs to be. 

When he first moved there, he would say it doesn't seem right for us to be living in separate places. Well, that's how I feel, too. But I keep reminding us both that he's in God's hands and God is right there with him, as He is with me, too.

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 
'Where is your God?'
These things I remember as I pour out my soul; 
how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, 
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life."
Psalm 42:1-5, 8)

As much as I enjoy hiking, I try not to do too much of it in the summer because of the heat and humidity, as well as the bugs. But this week, a friend was in town and since we both enjoy hiking and the NJ Pine Barrens, we put it on our schedule. We started out early enough and went over to Black Run Preserve since she had never been there. We hiked the 5K trail at a pretty good pace (but not jogging, of course!). By the time we ended, it was pretty humid and oppressive, and we were thankful to get in my car and turn on the AC.

Since I don't do a lot of summer hiking, it was a treat to see the ponds all covered with water lilies.

The rest of the week was pretty routine, which was welcome after the last several weeks of scheduled trips and activities. I went over to see Andy every evening as usual. He had been talking again to me, as well as to a couple of staff members at Care One, that he was ready to "go." At one point, he told me that "this dying is difficult." I couldn't agree with him more. But then I began to wonder if he was getting another UTI. It seems that when he doesn't feel well, he talks about dying. 

At his last urologist appointment, the Dr. had prescribed an antibiotic. I wondered if he was still on it or if he had finished the prescription. So I asked the nurse that question. I was surprised to find that he wasn't on anything and hadn't been since his doctor visit. The nurse called the doctor but since it was Saturday, she only got the emergency answering service. 

I'm trying not to get frustrated, upset and annoyed about this but continue to trust God in every little detail. But I'm going to have to make some calls tomorrow to try to figure this out. Meanwhile, the urologist ordered Andy to get an ultrasound of his kidneys, bladder, urethra. That was already done and the results showed an inflammation on one of his kidneys. The Dr. also wants him to get an MRI done, and we have an appointment for that on Wednesday of this coming week. I will take him in my car. I would appreciate prayers from anyone who is led to pray about this. Andy has always hated MRI's - he is extremely claustrophobic in tight places. I don't know how he will handle it this time. 

The activities director at Care One gave me a book to read earlier in the week, Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. He is a surgeon who has become interested in end of life care and asks a lot of questions regarding the way we (especially Americans and the more civilized western countries) handle being mortal. He says that we spend thousands of dollars to add a few more months or sometimes years, going through all kinds of tests, procedures, surgeries, experimental medications, etc...anything to prolong our lives. In the end, we all will die. 

It made me do a lot of thinking. How should I proceed in my care of Andy? He is suffering, no doubt about it. He tells me any time I ask him how he feels: he feels awful. In my opinion, I'd rather concentrate on easing that suffering, making him comfortable and not trying to prolong his life. The reality is: he has a degenerative disease. He'll never get better.


This all led to feeling pretty inadequate because what does that mean? I am clueless. I'm not good at making decisions, and even when I do make one, I almost always second guess myself. In my opinion, Andy is not doing well. On the other hand, he is still ambulatory. Some of the other residents in the facility use a walker and some are in wheelchairs.

Thankfully, the Spirit of God who indwells me reminded me that I am not on my own. He is my Husband and has this all under control. He knows the end from the beginning. His plans are to give me a future and a hope, not to harm me. I am accepted in the Beloved, He loves me with an everlasting love, His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. My worth does not depend on me and what I do anyway, it all depends on Jesus and His work on the cross on my behalf. It's true that I am unworthy, but I am clothed in Jesus' righteousness. 

It's good to remember what God says about me:

Romans 8:1 - "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 1:22 - "But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."

2 Corinthians 5:21 - "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

God has also promised to give wisdom when we ask him for it and to always be with us. He is on this journey with me; yes, even through the valley of the shadow of death.

I had so many good conversations with friends this morning at church. How I thank God for the people he's placed in my life to encourage, hug, love, support and pray for me.  

I read an amazing entry in Spurgeon's Morning and Evening this week. He expounded on Genesis 1:5: "And there was evening and there was morning, the first day."

"The evening was 'darkness,' and the morning was 'light,' and yet the two together are called by the name that is given to the light alone! This is somewhat remarkable but it has an exact analogy in spiritual experience. In every believer there is darkness and light, and yet he is not to be named a sinner because there is sin in him, but he is to be named a saint because he possesses some degree of holiness. This will be a most comforting thought to those who are mourning their infirmities and who ask, 'Can I be a child of God while there is so much darkness in me?' Yes; like the 'day,' you do not take your name from evening, but from the morning; and you are spoken of in the Word of God as if you were even now perfectly holy, as you will be soon. You are called the child of light, even though there is darkness in you still. You are named after what is the predominating quality in the sight of God, which will one day be the only principal remaining. Notice that the evening comes first. Naturally we are darkness first in order of time, and the gloom is often first in our mournful apprehension, driving us to cry out in deep humiliation, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner.' The place of the morning is second; it dawns when grace overcomes nature. It is a blessed maxim of John Bunyan, 'That which is last, lasts forever.' That which is first yields in due season to the last; but nothing comes after the last. So though you are naturally darkness, once you become light in the Lord, there is no evening to follow; 'your sun shall no more go down.' The first day in this life is an evening and a morning; but the second day, when we shall be with God forever, shall be a day with no evening, but one, sacred, high, eternal noon."


This is our hope, there is coming a day with no more night. The evening with its darkness and gloom will be gone forever, and we will enjoy eternity in the light of our Lord.

Revelation 21:22-25: "I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. The nations will walk by its light and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there."

Sometimes there's a fine line between two options. I was faced with that this week. With Tuesday being a holiday, I had received a couple of invitations to spend time with friends. Although it was tempting to accept and be with people, I felt prompted by the Lord to stay home and have some quiet, alone time. I don't think either decision was right or wrong, and God works in our lives no matter, or in spite of, what we do.

I woke early and decided to do some yard work while it was still cool. It was a very pleasant morning, but as I began to work, I couldn't help but think about how lonely I was. I remembered how only a year ago, Andy and I worked together on our yard projects. What a help he was to me, even in his disability. After all, he is taller and stronger than I am! Well, one thought led to another and before I knew it, I was on the road to "woe is me." But then the Lord reminded me that Jesus is with me. He never leaves me alone.

When I came into the house, I turned on the computer and checked my blog. I was shocked to see that 59 people had looked at it. The day before there had only been 5 visits. I was immediately encouraged...it was an indication that people care. Then I checked facebook and saw that Christy had posted a picture of me reading to Andy. She said some very lovely things that brought tears to my eyes. And I was encouraged further. Throughout the rest of the week, people continued to comment on Christy's post and check out my blog. As of today, 150 people have read my blog. I am truly humbled. 

Frankly, I don't feel that I'm doing anything all that special. Andy was always such an example of selfless love to me. I often told him he was a beautiful example of Ephesians 5, where husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Andy always valued my opinions and input, never put me down, always encouraged and made me feel valuable. He was always thinking of me and how to please me. So my care of him now is my current calling. It pains me to see him suffer, and I want to do all I can to turn his eyes to Jesus. God's Word gives life and will not return void. So it is the best "medicine" for him at this time. I'm not saying this is easy. But God does not ask us to do anything but that He doesn't go with us and give us His strength to endure with joy.

Later that same morning, Andy's dad invited me to come over to their apartment. He said he had just bought some blueberries from a farm and I could have as many as I wanted. I took a baggie over to take some. He kept telling me to take more. When I asked him how much I owed him, he said nothing, he got them for me. How gracious of him.

God continued to "show up" all day, giving me indications in big and small ways that He was with me and had not forgotten me. It's tempting to feel guilty when you are emotionally needy, but God knows we're needy and loves to meet our needs. 

Someone I don't even know handed me two pies on Sunday; one was a chicken pot pie, the other a cherry pie. I had never seen the man before, and I don't even think he knew who I was. He came toward me and asked if I knew Phyllis. I told him I was Phyllis, then he handed me those two pies. Both pies lasted for 4 meals. I didn't have to cook at all this week and each time I sat down to eat, I was reminded that God cares for me.

I "found" Isaiah 64:4 several years ago: "No eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." One of the hardest things we have to do as people is wait. Even a two year old would rather do things herself, telling everybody: "self, self."

But if we wait for God, letting Him do the work, His ways are so much better and more creative than what we could come up with. Often our forging ahead is just a disaster, but waiting gives God opportunity to show Himself to be great and awesome.

I took Andy to the urologist twice this week. On Wednesday, the care facility arranged for medical transport to take him. I met him there. Andy was so cute. When the doctor came into the exam room, Andy told him he looked familiar. Of course, it's the urologist Andy has been seeing for close to ten years. And into the exam, Andy told him he was doing a good job! - So positive and affirming. I can't tell you how grateful I am that even in his illness, Andy is not combative. He is always appreciative, positive, and kind.

I took Andy back to the urologist on Friday afternoon for another check up. He seems to be doing well after his hospitalization. This time, I drove him in my car. I was a little nervous about that because my last experiences with him in the car were traumatic, dealing with trying to keep him buckled in while I was driving. But the transport is expensive, and in talking to the nurse at his care facility, we decided that he is at a different stage in the illness than he was five months ago. Thankfully, the drive went smoothly and without incident.

I spent more time in my gardens Saturday morning and have now completed the weeding - at least till they grow again. My current flowers blooming are cone flower (echinacea), rose of sharon and hydrangea lacecap, all pink.

In desperation one morning, I pulled a book down off the shelf. It happened to be Devotional Classics, edited by Richard J. Foster and James Bryan Smith.

The very first selection was an essay that included excerpts from Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis says that the Christian way is different. It is both harder and easier. 

"Christ says, 'Give me ALL. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked -- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

"Both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, 'Take up your cross' -- in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, 'My yoke is easy and my burden light.' He means both." 

I often wonder when we sing songs of surrender: "Do I really mean it?" I want to surrender all, but there's a part of me that wants what I want. I don't want to suffer. But this might not be all bad. Because this world is not as it was meant to be. Even creation groans, waiting to be redeemed. So as C.S. Lewis says in another place, "If I find in myself desires that nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." 

And that is our hope...a better world, where Jesus reigns and sorrow and suffering are only a distant memory.  

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven, In Heaven
Heaven,  Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash

"There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God, and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think -- to wean us from the world -- to send us to the Bible -- to drive us to our knees. Health is a good thing but sickness is far better if it leads us to God. Prosperity is a great mercy; but adversity is a greater one if it brings us to Christ. Anything, anything is better than living in carelessness and dying in sin."
(J.C. Ryle, quoted in If God is Good by Randy Alcorn)

What a week this has been. It started out with Amy and the kids coming down again, this time to leave Joanna with me for her overnight birthday treat. We did a quick visit with Andy at Care One, quick because after only a few minutes, he got up and said he had to go on to something else. Maybe I should have taken the hint that he might not be feeling well, but he had dismissed his visitors before this, and I really just thought it was part of his disease to lose interest and not understand that we were there to see him. 

So Joanna and I went to our house and settled in to having dinner, playing in the driveway with her new birthday toy from her parents, and then the usual movie and ice cream together.

The next morning turned out really nice and beautiful after a night of rain. I thought we should probably go hiking as soon as possible while the humidity was low and the temperature cool. I made sure to spray both Joanna and myself with bug spray to keep the mosquitoes off, and away we went - to the Rancocas State Park again. What an enjoyable hike it was, too. Each grandchild I've gone with this year has been such a wonderful treat for me. Their conversations are entertaining and revealing - they are amazingly knowledgeable about a variety of subjects, they are observant of nature and things around them, and they are all fun to be with. I wasn't sure if Joanna could walk a full 3 miles, but she was a trooper the whole trail, keeping up with me the entire time.

We went back home and I got Joanna started watching a video, while I planned to get a load of laundry done. I was just settling in to watch it with her when I got a call from Care One. The nurse said she felt Andy needed to be admitted to the hospital because he had fainted and his blood pressure was extremely low. She asked me if I wanted him admitted. I guess she had to get my permission. I had heard that each time an Alzheimer's patient goes to the hospital, it makes their disease progress a little more and they usually don't come back to the level they were before the hospital stay. So when she asked my permission, I hemmed and hawed - just feeling overwhelmed - what is the right decision, what if I do the wrong thing? I had the presence of mind to ask the nurse if anyone would be going with him. She told me that he would be transported and the people going with him would take him to the E.R. but they would not be staying with him. I knew I needed to be there to help with the admissions process because he couldn't answer all the questions they would be asking him. But now I'm really in a fix because neither can I leave Joanna at home alone.

But God already was working on my behalf to solve this problem. As I was trying to figure out what to do, I noticed that Dan's car was in the driveway. Dan is Andy's brother who comes over several times a week to hang out with his mom and dad. As I explained the situation to Dan and his parents, they immediately gave ideas on what to do. Dan was able to drive Joanna to Dawn's house where she played with her cousins the rest of the day, and I was able to go to the hospital to take care of Andy. 

I got to the hospital in good time, he was still in the hallway waiting to be assigned to a room in the E.R. I was so relieved. It wasn't long before lab work was returned with the diagnosis of a UTI. This was so confusing to me because he was already on medication for this very thing. Apparently the antibiotic he was on wasn't strong enough to kill the bacteria that was infecting him.

Andy was put on IV fluids and antibiotics. I stayed with him till he was settled in his room, met with the nurse assigned to him - until I was sure he was going to be all right. I returned in the evening for another couple of hours. So the next few days included runs to the hospital, working a couple of hours here and there, and doing some necessary things at home. 

On Wednesday evening while there, Dawn stopped by to visit, too. When she walked in the room, she asked Andy how he was doing. He didn't hesitate, but answered, "I'm having a ball." Really??? Actually, I think he was pleased to be getting the attention from the nurses and me. And subconsciously perhaps, he knew his UTI was being addressed.

I thought his hospital stay would be longer so was pleasantly surprised when the doctor informed us on Thursday that he would be discharged that day. They were going to switch from IV antibiotic to oral medicine and triple the dosage he had been taking prior to Tuesday.

So by Thursday afternoon, he was back at Care One. I went to visit as usual that evening and he seemed to be doing well enough.

Friday and Saturday were pleasant relief from the cares and anxiety of Andy in the hospital. A son of a staff member got married on Friday afternoon and I had planned to attend the wedding. I was so glad I did. I went with a friend, and there were many of our church friends who were in attendance. I felt so loved and supported by everyone. It was so nice to have something happy to focus on. Plus, it was a blessing to witness a wedding that was so beautiful, lovely and God-honoring. At the reception, watching the radiant happiness of the bride and groom, I was picturing the marriage supper of Jesus and us, his bride in heaven some day. What a wonderful day that will be. My heart was filled with joy at the thought.

When I got home later that evening, I was in the process of relaxing and getting ready for bed when I got a call from Care One. The nurse told me that Andy seemed to be having a reaction to the medication he was on. (No wonder - triple the dosage???) His hands were all swollen and red, she said, and thought it would be best to stop the medicine. She said she would be in contact with the doctor. Somehow, I don't think stopping the medicine completely is going to take care of his problem. I plan to make some calls tomorrow.

I went in to see him on Saturday morning. He was pretty flat line, so I didn't stay very long. He had gotten a shower and it looked like he was being cared for (which is what I was interested in knowing).

Every year, my family has a big get together in Berks County at my brother's home. My brothers and sisters and as many of our children as can make it are invited to be there. We usually do the party on the Saturday closest to July 4th. I went to Dawn and Tommy's and let them drive the two hours. This was a big help for me because I was pretty tired out from the week's stress and activities.

My nephew brings his food truck, parks it on the property and serves us all. This year there were over 80 people who came to the picnic. He is a professional chef and the food is amazing. 

Mid-afternoon, we got rained on. Even sitting under pavilions we got wet because the rain was so heavy. I happened to be sitting at the edge of one of those pavilions and my back was soaked the rest of the day. The kids didn't mind, though. A huge slip and slide was set up for them and they had a ball on that. If you don't believe that the slip and slide was anything special, check out the video links:

https://www.facebook.com/wendell.yoder.7/videos/1370012179715430/
https://www.facebook.com/tsherf/videos/10159080818435245/


Later, the sun came out and all the kids (big and little) jumped in the pool. Tommy took over as organizer of the kids, coming up with all kinds of contests for them. There was quite a line of them waiting their turn!

A great time was had by all.


At church today, people were asking me how things were going. As I told them about my week with Andy, I had to add that even in the middle of intense, crazy things we don't expect, God still gives us moments of joy. It's a joy unspeakable and full of glory because if we keep our eyes on Jesus and trust him in the circumstance, we will not be overwhelmed by those circumstances.


I was reading to Andy tonight from Hebrews 3 and 4. The final verses of chapter 4 tell us that Jesus is our great high priest. He has been tempted in every way, just as we are --yet without sin. Because he was tempted as we are, he can sympathize with us in our own weaknesses. He knows how it feels: 

• to be exhausted
• discouraged with the hopelessness of the situation
• concerned with the illness of loved ones
• burdened down with the unknown
• lonely
• desiring for the hard thing to be taken away

In spite of these weaknesses, he didn't give in to temptation. He never sinned, which qualifies him to be the perfect High Priest. We can approach the throne of grace with confidence. There "we receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16)

There's a place where mercy reigns and never dies
There's a place where streams of grace flow deep and wide
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down

At the cross, at the cross
I surrender my life
I'm in awe of You,  I'm in awe of You
Where Your love ran red and my sin washed white
I owe all to You, I owe all to You, Jesus

There's a place where sin and shame are powerless
Where my heart has peace with God and forgiveness
Where all the love I've ever found
Comes like a flood, comes flowing down

Here my hope is found
Here on holy ground
Here I bow down, here I bow down
Here arms open wide
Here You save my life
Here I bow down, here I bow

At The Cross,  Writer(s): Matt Armstrong, William R. Newell, Jenna Cowart, Benji Cowart

As Andy's disease progresses, he becomes more discouraged, frustrated, and even annoyed at his condition. The constant trembling in his right hand is wearing him out. He doesn't know what to do about it, and I certainly don't know either. One evening this week as I was visiting him, he said he'd like to talk to the doctor about his options. As I pressed him to explain what he meant, I finally figured out that he wanted to talk about end of life issues. I told him the doctor couldn't do that, our lives are in God's hands. He agreed with me. And not too much later, with his hand jerking and trembling, he again said he wanted to talk about options. When I pressed again, he said maybe the doctor could cut off his hand. Yikes! That's getting quite extreme, but I think it is a good indication of how frustrating it must be for him to have that constant, uncontrollable tremor. 

I've talked to the doctor on a number of occasions about the tremor: isn't there a medication that can help reduce that? And a number of times, the dosage has been increased. But I have not seen any change any time there has been an increase. 

In spite of our questions, I can see God at work. 

I am constantly affirmed in the decision I made to admit Andy to the facility where he is. He has a physical therapist (PT) and speech therapist (ST) working with him in different areas. The PT has been taking Andy on walks around the property or to the park or just up the street. His goal was to get him physically up to walking about a mile and then have me surprise him by meeting him at a restaurant for lunch. I was up to that idea but had my doubts as to Andy's ability to accomplish that goal.

But the PT said he thought Andy was ready to try it and we set the date for Wednesday. I got to the restaurant first, then I saw Andy and the PT coming towards me. When I saw Andy, I knew immediately that he was exhausted. He saw me and recognized me, and he half-heartedly raised his hand to wave at me. It was all he could do to make it inside the restaurant. I really don't think he enjoyed the meal because he was in agony. The PT was very kind and attentive to Andy, helping him when his tremors were making it hard to drink or eat. I offered to drive them back to the facility. It was the first time Andy had been in a car since Nov. 30 when he was admitted.

The next day, Thursday, I got a call from the administrator at the facility. She and the head nurse wanted to let me know that Andy had been telling them that he wanted to die. I was surprised that he had mentioned that to others and I told them that. I also told them that I had responded to Andy that our lives were in God's hands, and they said that Andy had also told them that.

After the call, I felt like I needed to wait to hear from the Lord. In his grace, he gave me the strength to keep from coming unglued emotionally and to think rationally about the whole situation. After I left work, I decided to go over to the facility and discuss this situation a little more with whoever was available. The Lord provided a chance to talk to the head nurse. I told her I appreciated what the PT and ST were trying to do with Andy but I wasn't sure it was what he needed or if he could come up to what their goals for him were. She agreed with me and said that perhaps going out of the facility brought back too many remembrances of what he had lost. And perhaps seeing pictures of his family (what the ST had suggested I do with him) was another reminder of a life he didn't have any more. Perhaps at this stage of his disease, that was not helpful for him. I agreed with her and was so relieved that it was her idea. My thoughts had also been going in that direction, but I didn't necessarily have the opportunity to express it to any one there. And besides, I'm not a professional, what do I know?

I have been so thankful for the staff at this facility. I feel they are becoming familiar with Andy and his needs. They seem to be learning who he is, are sensitive to what he can and can't do. I'm grateful that they keep me in the loop, and I can talk things over with them any time. They are always available to me. Sometimes, I think I need as much care as Andy does! And it's obvious that they really like him and care about him. This is very comforting to me.

These experiences are good reminders that God directed our steps in admitting Andy. It's tempting to forget this when I see other wives caring for their husbands at home - seemingly endlessly. But I must resist the temptation to compare. Each situation is different and God works in each situation uniquely.

I miss sharing my life and what I'm doing with Andy, though. And sometimes I almost feel guilty that I feel so good in comparison with him and that I still enjoy my life. 

I was able to go to my -0th high school reunion yesterday up in Berks County, PA. The reunion was held in our high school, so we sat in our cafeteria - just like all those years ago.
There were 123 in my graduating class and I thought there was a good showing of us. (I counted 41.)

I was almost surprised that I had such a good time. One of my best friends was there but really it was fun to meet everyone. All the angst we felt as teenagers was gone, and we all hugged each other and had fun reminiscing about such and such a teacher, our class trips, or the senior prank the guys pulled. 

Our school had four wings with a courtyard in the middle. If we knew which class was across the way, we'd sometimes flash the blinds in our window and see if we could get another class to flash back! I was in the AP class, and I think the boys were too smart for their own good. They were not only smart in their studies, they also excelled in mischievousness. 

So our senior prank...I was not involved, only finding out about it after the fact. But one of the boys told the story last night. His parents were working on their yard, and apparently, wanted to get rid of an outhouse leftover from a by-gone era. They gave their son the task of getting rid of it. So he contacted his buddies, and they decided to put it in the school's courtyard. They went the night before graduation, climbed up on the roof of the school, pulled the outhouse up with ropes, then down the other side, placing it exactly in the middle of the courtyard.

And as he finished his story, he said it was the best prank ever - even down to this current year's class. Uh, huh...something to be proud of!

I have not finished reading Randy Alcorn's book, If God is Good, but it has been so good to be reminded of the things he writes in the book.

 A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned about God being the author of our life story. An author who writes a novel makes it interesting by including significant conflict, thwarting of desires, avoiding predictability before a satisfying resolution. 

In a chapter I read this past week, Randy says that our life can also be compared to a symphony. "A composer's work gets praised for its long movements of depth, texture, and contrast, with transitions between major and minor keys. Do we criticize a great composer whose symphony doesn't end in ten minutes or half an hour? Do we complain when he moves from a major key to a minor key and back to a major? No, we celebrate his artistry. When we hear the dark and melancholic sections, we don't conclude he's made a mistake. Once we reach the ending, we recognize the symphony as a far greater work than one that consists of only bright melodies." 

This is a wonderful book to remind us of the purposes of evil and suffering - how God is not the author of it, but he uses it for his glory and our good. I have underlined, starred and circled so many sections in the book. I highly recommend it and will very likely read it again. 

I could go on and on, but will close this week's blog with a list of how Randy says God uses suffering in our lives:

• to purge sin from our lives
• strengthen our commitment to him
• force us to depend on his grace
• bind us together with other believers
• produce discernment
• foster sensitivity
• discipline our minds
• impart wisdom
• stretch our hope
• cause us to know Christ better
• make us long for truth
• lead us to repentance of sin
• teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow
• increase our faith
• strengthen our character 

Then he concludes that section by saying that "once He accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it."

Hopefully, we can be at peace with the purpose of our suffering: "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:10-11.  

Peter tells us that we were called to suffering, "because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) And how did Christ suffer? "He entrusted himself to him who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23) 

God is all wise, loving, kind, merciful and just. He made me, desires my good, and I can trust him with my life and the circumstances of my life.