Grace turned 17 on Monday so I had to drive over to Pa to celebrate. I made a cheescake for her the day before to help contribute to the festivities.

 

As usual, Claire provided the entertainment.

 

The big excitement of the week was the nor'easter that came through. It started out with rain on Wednesday morning. I was beginning to think the forecast was all just a bunch of hype, but by the time I left work at noon, the rain was turning to snow and the roads were pretty slushy and slick. It snowed all afternoon and was very treacherous out there. The snow was wet and heavy. Tree branches started breaking...I could hear them hit the ground with a whack. The snow was so beautiful...but did damage to a lot of trees in my yard as well as all over this part of south Jersey. We ended getting 7-8 inches.

The next morning, the sun came out and I was able to walk around a little to assess the damage. Unbelievably, I did not lose power although all over the neighborhood, others did.

This is going to be a lot of work to clean up. I don't care so much about the elms or maples, but the dogwood tree and holly tree had more significant damage. I don't know if they can be "fixed."

I thought the holly might straighten up after the snow fell off the branches, but on closer inspection, the roots were poking up out of the ground. I don't know if it can be straightened out, then staked. I'm willing to give it a try.

I was looking for another book to read, checking out the bookshelves, and settled on Future Grace by John Piper. I read it years ago, but decided it was a good time to be reminded of God's amazing grace in my life. I'm glad I picked this book because as I opened it and began reading, I was delighted to find Andy's notes from when he had read it.

I love everything John Piper writes. He is so God-centered with many reminders throughout his writing that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. 

"The reason future grace is so important is that everything in the Christian life depends on it. You can't be a Christian without faith in future grace. Jesus said, 'The way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it' (Matthew 7:14). Every turn in that narrow way is planned by future grace and empowered by future grace. At every point on the way, true saints sing, 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.' Every glance backward sparks gratitude for bygone grace; every look forward casts the soul onto faith in future grace."

Another paragraph:
"Grace would not be grace if it were a response to resources in us. Grace is grace because it highlights God's own overflowing resources of kindness. Grace is eternal because it will take that long for God to expend inexhaustible stores of goodness on us. Grace is free because God would not be the infinite, self-sufficient God he is if he were constrained by anything outside himself."

I desperately need this grace to make it through my visits with Andy every evening. His tremors continue to increase, then cause him distress and anxiety. It's so hard to see him like this. I often tear up as I drive home afterwards. I continue to read to him after I help with his dinner, but I really don't think he is understanding what I'm reading. Sometimes, he listens quietly, but often he is restless, getting up, pacing around, rearranging things in his room, or even leaving the room to wander around. 

There are bright spots, though, in the rest of my day. Dawn and I have been making it a habit to meet once a week at Starbucks. We have our drinks and chat for over an hour.
 

She needs the break from all the little ones she cares for during the day, and I need to spend the time with her, too. This is a gift.

One of the things I've been waiting for came through this week. My application for a HELOC (home equity line of credit) was approved. I was advised to apply for one as a cautionary measure. I may not need it, but it will be a back up - in case!

I also met with two independent financial advisors who were invaluable in helping me to understand my financial situation. I'm grateful for this affirmation, I consider it a grace from the Lord. My faith is not in my finances, but in the God of my finances. It's his money and I'm grateful that he is giving me these encouragements along the way. My money is not going to last forever, but for the present at least, I am determined to trust that he will provide all my needs (according to his riches in glory).

On Friday night, I was privileged to  attend Kira's elementary school's talent show. Kira performed a dance routine (What does the fox say?) with two of her friends. They were so cute and it was a treat to be there for her.

I spent all day Saturday inside. It was a long day, but there wasn't really much to do except work on a puzzle. There is still too much snow on the ground to be able to work outside.

Grace has been rehearsing all year with the Bucks County Youth Orchestra and they had a concert Sunday afternoon at the Delaware Valley University in Doylestown. I drove over for the performance and met Christy, Asher and Claire to enjoy the concert. 

 

 

Afterwards we had dinner at Panera's. 

I'm grateful for these opportunities to be with my family, to participate with them in their special moments.

Kira's birthday was last Friday and she was excited about spending an overnight with me at my house. We arranged for me to go pick her up after I visited with Andy on Monday night. It is so nice to have another person in the house to interact with. We watched a movie together, then cuddled while I read several stories to her before bed.

On Tuesday morning we drove over to Target for her to pick out her birthday present, then went to visit with Andy. Dawn met us there with her other kids.

Andy and Cole really connect. Andy is still the "helper," jumping in to meet the needs of the little ones. I love how his personality bent still manifests itself in spite of his illness. He saw Cole struggling to feed himself and was right there to help him. It's also amazing that Cole "let" him because he typically wants to feed himself. I love this picture of tenderness and sweetness.

 

I brought Kira back with me for the rest of the day and spent the afternoon at our neighbor's house so she could play with the little girls next door. Those girls often ask me to let Kira have a play date with them, but I'm not Kira's mommy so I don't have much say in whether or not Kira can play with them. But this time, it worked out that they could play and play and play. I hung out with the mom - which was a treat for me, as well.

Andy is finally starting to feel better after getting the med situation resolved. He has been on antibiotics now for a week, and in fact, should be finished with that round today. He will now be on a maintenance drug to keep the bacteria under control. 

He looks better but still has the significant tremors. I'm not sure that will ever be resolved but the doctor is trying a different med for that, as well. We'll see how that develops.

I've really resonated with the grief share emails I received this week. Earlier I read the following:

Can you truly say that God is good?
“One of the worst things you can do as a Christian is to go around with this plasticized mask on saying, ‘I love God, and He’s so good,’ when your heart is breaking inside,” says Dr. Joseph Stowell.
“Sometimes you may say, ‘God is good,’ with tears running down your cheeks, but He is good, and He will see you through, and He never wastes your sorrows. He didn’t waste the sorrows of His Son on the cross. He won’t waste your sorrows. He, by His magnificent power, will transform them into that which is good—that which brings gain to the kingdom and glory to His name.”
Everything God does is good. Believe this with your heart, and hold on to this truth for unfailing strength in times of sorrow.

Oh yes...I've been there with the tears running down my cheeks, even though God is good. I could write pages and pages on how good God is to me. Just one example from this week is the way he took care of something that was nagging at the back of my mind. Earlier in the summer, Tommy had trimmed my bushes along the driveway. They looked so good when he was finished. But by now, several months had elapsed and the bushes were looking ragged again. So I'm wondering if I should ask him to come over again or if I should ask someone else. You know, spread the wealth! I mulled this over for a couple of days and finally the Lord reminded me that Andy's friend, Dan, had told me that any time I needed any help around the house, just call him. Then my next thought was the memory that one time, Andy had told me that Dan loves to trim bushes. It was like a light bulb went on in my head. I texted Dan and he gladly and promptly made arrangements to come over to trim those bushes. He brought his 10 year old son and they did the job in a matter of an hour or so. The bushes look so much better and every time, I drive in and out of the driveway, I am reminded of God's provision: in friends who are eager to help, and his ideas on how I can get the jobs done that I can't do myself.

Another evidence of God's goodness is the ability he has given me to get outside, the strength and health to be able to work on my property. The last couple of days have been so pleasant so I've spent hours out there, picking up sticks, and "cleaning up" - happy things for me.

And several mornings ago, I looked out my back kitchen window and thought I saw a deer in the neighbor's yard. I grabbed my phone and went out to see how close I could get. 

That was a blessing. I love to see deer. At least, I did that day. The next day as I was opening my shades, I was shocked to see my hosta plants that were now leafless. I guess the deer found them during the night and had a little snack. So let me edit that statement about my loving to see deer. Actually, I do still love to see them, I just don't love when they eat my plants.

My poor hostas. :(

I don't know if anyone else struggles with guilt like I do. I hear about other people doing certain things and I wonder if I'm doing enough. I know there are people with loved ones at Care One who are with their spouses all day long. So that makes me wonder if I am with Andy long enough. Then there are others who care for their loved ones at home in spite of unbelievable obstacles they deal with daily/hourly: changing diapers, dressing, changing clothes, bathing, hand feeding that takes hours per meal, etc. 

Then the Lord led me to a wonderfully freeing verse in Scripture: 1 John 3:19-20 ~
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

How often have I read 1 John but the truth of these verses never hit me like they did in this my specific hour of need. I can rest in his presence, even when my heart condemns me because God is greater than my heart. I need to remember that Jesus is not the Accuser, he always lives to intercede for me and on my behalf. I need to trust that he is leading me in my situation and not comparing me to others. It was so obvious that he led us to place Andy in Care One when we did, and if I experience doubts and self-condemnation, I need to remember that those do not come from the Lord. 

Every year I read through the whole Bible and this year, I decided to read with a red pen handy. Every time I read about God's love for his people, I underline that phrase and thought in red. I've noticed that often God's love is not only mentioned, but is described as unfailing. God's unfailing love! So far I'm still only in the Psalms but I have lots of red lines to remind me that God is love.


Yes, God is good. I believe it with all my heart, even though sometimes the things I experience in this life don't feel good. It's hard to explain to someone else, but it's in hard times that we experience God's all sufficiency. He is the Rock on which we stand, our firm foundation, our Hope, our Shelter in the time of storm, our Strength, our Joy, our Peace, our All in All.

Psalm 119:68 ~ "You are good and what you do is good."

Christmas Week 2015

We fit a lot in for us: Christmas Eve service, hike on Christmas Day, sleep-over with Kira on Christmas evening, trip to Berks County for my side of the family get-together. 

It was a lot of fun but now we're paying the price. Hopefully, resting up today will have us up and back to normal again tomorrow. 

I've been thinking Andy is going through a pretty long stretch of good health. His Alzheimer's and Parkinson's are still evident but otherwise, he's feeling well. This is a blessing. I've tried to keep as close to routine as possible, thinking that a break in the accustomed schedule might be harmful and cause a set-back.

But sometimes, you just have to get outside the norm and experience some change to liven things up. It didn't help that the last week has seen rain, rain, rain with gray and gloomy skies. We just had to get out. So on Christmas Day, we drove over to Amico Island and took a stroll on the hiking trails. There were puddles to walk around and the ground was quite squishy in many places, but in the time we were there, the rain held off. The weather was so warm that there was a mist rising off the river. 

We walked a trail I don't think we had been on before, going through a large stand of river birches.

Then we found this black willow with four huge trunks rising from the root (although in this picture, only three trunks are visible).

 
Kira had asked a month or so ago if she could sleep over at our house with a special request to sleep in the apartment upstairs. Since no one is currently up there and she has off school this week, it seemed like a good time to fulfill her request. Dawn brought her over Christmas evening. 

We played games, watched a Veggie Tales video, read a bed time story, then went to sleep. Actually, it was hard to settle down because excitement was running high. Kira was so excited she was bouncing around on her bed. She told me she couldn't sleep and asked what she could do. She came up with her own idea of "counting sheep." Then proceeded to count out loud. At one point, she was so excited, that in her bouncing around, she fell off the bed. It was quite entertaining. We finally did get to sleep, though.

The next morning, there was breakfast, more games, fun with Poppop, 

and another Veggie Tales video before getting in the car for a trip to Berks County. My brother hosted a pizza party for my side of the family at his house. I had originally decided to go by myself and leave Andy home with his parents. But his mom and dad were sick all Christmas Day and still weren't feeling well on Saturday, so I felt sorry for Andy being home by himself all day and asked him if he wanted to come along. I wasn't going to drive, but planned to go with Tommy and Dawn in their new van so there was plenty of room for Andy, too.  

It was a very long two hours in the car even though we were with the kids and I didn't have to drive. We had a good time connecting with family when we got there. All of our girls and their families were there which was special. One of my sisters and one of my brothers were there, as well as my mother.

Andy and I both had a good time connecting and I got comments that remarked how good Andy seemed. Yes, he did - but today is a different story! I think it is good for him to be around people but it is also very exhausting for him. He tries very hard to be coherent but the effort takes its toll.

Then it was another two hours for the trip home. He was tired so he went to bed fairly early. I stayed up later and tried to read to make myself sleepy. I was in the front room when I heard someone walking around. When I went to check, it was Andy. He was confused and said he didn't know where I was. He was anxious and I had a hard time calming him down. When I asked him in the morning about it, he didn't remember anything. 

We didn't go to church yesterday. I was pretty tired and he must have taken 3 or 4 naps throughout the day. We just stayed in the house, I sat in my relaxin' chair most of the day.

Well, hopefully, I'll be feeling up to partying again by the end of the week when we will have everyone over to our house for more Christmas togetherness. We still have lots of presents under our tree for the children and grandchildren.

Autobiography or Biography?

My goal has been to post something about my week every Sunday afternoon, but I can tend to be obsessive/compulsive. The reason I post is for my own therapy and review of my week, but I'm not going to be legalistic about it. If I don't feel like posting, I'm not going to post just to post.

That said, the last two weeks have seen a plethora of emotions and experiences. A dear couple, who've been friends of ours for many years, were in the area last weekend. When I heard they were going to be here, I quickly arranged for them to join us for dinner. I had not entertained company for the last two years except for our immediate family. I was a little nervous as to how it would go. Would it tire Andy out? How would he do with conversation? 

I think the fact that things have become a little more manageable recently and have smoothed out, have helped in the stress level. I don't think Andy is necessarily better, maybe a little worse, but we've adjusted to the new normal. 

I thought having chicken on the grill would be fairly easy, so the week before our company, I had Andy show me how to operate the grill. We cleaned it up and made sure there was plenty of gas in the tank. He had always been the one to do the grilling, but I decided I needed to learn to do it. The recipe I have for the grilled chicken is super good and it's a lot easier to do it on the grill than heating up the oven - especially in the dead of summer.

So our menu for the evening was:  grilled chicken, tomato-zucchini casserole, Caesar's salad and chocolate chip zucchini bread. I did not serve dessert, but it wasn't needed. Everything turned out great and we had a wonderful time with our friends. They moved to Colorado 15 years ago so we don't see them very often. We were privileged to visit them twice on our trips through the west as we stopped to see several National Parks.

I  don't know if having the company took a toll but the next two days we were both beat. Tuesday, my day off, I had absolutely no energy or motivation. I managed to get the bathrooms cleaned and laundry done, but sat in my chair the rest of the time. 

Unfortunately, with the fatigue, I also experienced an emotional low. But as usual, God gave me the strength to endure. Then on Thursday, he graciously gave me two different times with friends who encouraged and prayed with me. One of those friends loaned me a book that I started reading: Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. 

 



I have really benefited from what I've read already with some good reminders for experiencing contentment no matter what the circumstances.

She lists a prescription for contentment:

* Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather.
* Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
* Never compare your lot with another's.
* Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
* Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours.




 
 

So I was encouraged on Thursday after meeting with loving friends. Friday was a good day. Then Saturday arrived and again I had no energy, felt so tired and sluggish. This was somewhat discouraging because Tuesdays and Saturdays are the days I'm home and always look forward to getting lots done. But not this week. I sat in my chair, resting and not worrying about work getting done or not getting done. In the midst of my exhaustion, I happened to look out the window and saw a gold finch at the bird feeder. This made me so happy. What a beautiful little bird - so yellow and cheerful. It felt like a gracious gift from God to cheer me up.

The bird feeder is out the front kitchen window. Then out the back kitchen window, the crape myrtle is currently in full bloom - just bursting with color - another gracious gift from God. The creation shouts the glory of God.

In spite of the fact that I was so tired yesterday, I decided to go ahead with our plan to have Kira stay overnight with us. She had been asking, so how could we say no? Besides, this would be fun and would add a little spice to our otherwise colorless lives! 

So we got her around 4:30 in the afternoon, had dinner together. Well, Andy and I ate dinner, she was too excited to eat. Then we watched a movie together before heading upstairs to bed.

Does she look happy? It was great fun to have her and I was reminded of the value Jesus places on children. They add such joy to our lives. What a blessing all our grandchildren are - and we have a lot!

I was reading in New Morning Mercies a couple of days ago and was struck by the concept that my story is not an autobiography, but a biography written by Another. Every turn he writes, every twist of the plot, every chapter is right, for the best and advances his purpose. 

Hosea 14:9: "Whoever is wise, let him understand these things; whoever is discerning, let him know them; for the ways of the Lord are right."

When I read a book, especially one that is exciting and suspenseful, I have a habit of reading the last page and sometimes even the last chapter - just to find out how it turns out. Then when I know everything turns out all right, I can relax and go back to read the rest of the book, enjoying each detail along the way.

When it comes to my own life, my story is being written by the Lord. But I can't read the end of my story. I must trust him in the middle of each twist and turn. Ultimately, of course, I do know that the end of the story of my life here on earth is the beginning of my eternal life. Although that is somewhat sketchy with a lot of unknowns, yet at the same time, it is a great comfort. And it gives me hope and peace to continue my journey. 

Summer Fun

I took a vacation day on Wednesday since the boss is away this week and next.  Between him being gone and it's being summer time, work is pretty sparse so it's a good time to take off.  Andy and I left early Tuesday afternoon to get Naomi and bring her back for an overnight with us.  She is such a delight.  Never a dull moment with her.  Each of the grandkids is special in his/her own way.  What I love about Naomi is that she always has something to say.  She is never bored or boring.

With her here we had her favorite dinner:  chicken noodle soup.  It felt a little strange having soup on a hot summer evening, but we compensated by having bowls of ice cream afterwards and watching the movie, Ice Age.  She played plenty of free cell games on the computer and lots of card games with me.  She taught me a new one called "stress."  It did cause me a lot of stress and I lost quite a few of those games.  We also played greedy and parcheesi.  In the end, I won some and she won some so it was all ok in the end.



As we were eating our lunch on Wednesday, I mentioned that since it was so hot, it was a shame Naomi hadn't brought her bathing suit so we could go to the neighbor's pool.  She immediately said she wouldn't mind swimming in her clothes.  So off we went.  That was a really good idea because she and Andy had a lot of fun cooling off in the water.

 Too soon it was time to return her to her family.  She begged us to keep her a few more days and nights but all good things must come to an end.  Back at her home, when we got there, the kids got out their instruments and gave us a little concert.

 

They are amazingly good and it was an enjoyable evening.  Even Claire is learning rhythm and was happy to demonstrate.

All too soon the fun had to end and I had to go back to work the rest of the week.  But Saturday we went to Dawn & Tommy's for Kira's birthday party.  They borrowed our tent and Tommy had all kinds of games and activities planned for the kids as well as the adults.  It was a very fun day.

 
 

 
 It was a great day to be together.  We got to see all 3 of our girls and 8 out of 10 grandchildren.  The rain held off until 1:00, then it poured in earnest and the party was over in a hurry!