I happened upon some notes Andy had made on the computer three years ago. At that point, he was already two years into his illness. The notes reveal his heart for God and his family. I am including it word for word (unedited by me) below.
 

Dear, Dawn, Amy, Christy, and Mom

     I want to try to reach out to you guys (Christy, Amy and Dawn.  so you just don’t just get your information from mom.  (She always does a great job)   I love all of you very much.  We just got back from seeing my specialist, Dr. Janoff, and he was very positive.  We have been seeing him for over two years now.  He has known of my condition and He said that I am doing well and did not have to step up to another level of medication and therapy.  That was great news!  At the same time, I don’t want to fool myself with regards to the challenges this disease brings.  That is no place to dwell on, so I’m going to play it a day at a time, thanking the Lord for his blessings and his trials.  Trials can be great teachers.  

      God has been so good to each of us and shown us his love for us in so many ways!   How could we ever be angry for what we call trials?

David said in the psalms.  “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I shall I fear!  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?  (God has the answers for us before we even think about them!  WOW.  I am man of few words as you know, but  I feel that is very important that we keep touch in some way.   

The Sunday school class I attend is doing book studies for the summer. The first book chosen was A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. We already owned the book, and as I read it, I was so excited to note that Andy had read it, underlined key points and written notes in it.

What he wrote: "How would I feel if God took away my ability to sing or speak, walk or run, hike or read. They are all precious to me - would I still love him? Would I be content with Him alone, or would they send me into a fit of temper or depression from which I could not escape?"

Well, Andy is now experiencing just that - his inability to sing or speak, walk or run, hike or read. But he seems to be at peace through it all. He isn't angry or upset. He is calm, quiet, accepting, persevering in spite of so many losses that he formerly enjoyed. It is obvious that God is still at work in his heart, soul - giving him peace, not as the world gives, but as Jesus gives - the peace that passes understanding. He is a beautiful example to me of the work of Christ in a person's heart, shining through the cracks of our human-ness.

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

We just came through 4-5 days of rain, rain, rain. It's hard not to complain about it, but I've always been convicted not to complain about the weather. I confess I love blue skies the best, but there are benefits to rain. I turned off the sprinkler system, so think of all the money I saved on this month's water bill! Then there's the truth that after the rain, sunshine seems all the more precious. And of course, without rain, there would be no flowers.

Before the rain came through the area, I hit the golf course. Actually, I was part of the staff helping in our church's golf tournament. Over 120 people participated in a day of golf. It was a nice day...a little warm in the sun, but the shade was very pleasant with a stiff breeze that kept us cool. I was assigned to Hole 5 on the course, with the express purpose to make sure people were honest and not padding their scores! I was at this post with a friend, and we enjoyed the afternoon just chatting and hanging out as the golfers came and went. She insisted that I be the one to drive the golf cart, which I did, although I had to stretch my short legs to reach the gas pedal.

I've been working on my latest puzzle for 6 weeks. It was the most difficult puzzle I've ever done. It was actually in a stack of puzzles that Christy gave me to work on. I did all the others quickly and with a minimum of effort, but I put this one off because it looked so impossible. But little by little, and because of so much rain this past week, I had a lot of time to work on it and finish it.

Yes, every single piece is a small, tiny picture of ocean, water, boat, ship, sea creature, etc.

Occasionally, I would send a picture of my progress to Christy's kids. It was an encouragement to receive their kudos. So this morning, when I sent them the finished puzzle, Christy sent back their thumbs up for my accomplishment.

God called King David a man after His own heart. Although David wasn't perfect by a long shot, he had a heart for God, pursuing Him in all of life's difficult circumstances. I read Psalm 63 this morning, where David exclaims: "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." The heading of this psalm tells us that David wrote this when he was in the desert of Judah. So he was understanding hunger and thirst because he was experiencing it first hand. But even greater than the physical hunger and thirst is his desire for God. He says in verse 5 that his "soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods."

Tozer says: "We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him and nothing is really safe which is not so committed...Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him. They should be recognized for what they are, God's loan to us, and should never be considered in any sense our own. We have no more right to claim credit for special abilities than for blue eyes or strong muscles." "For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)

What we enjoy in this life is God's loan to us. They are given to us to enjoy for a time. This includes our loved ones, our gifts and abilities (my husband and his health, hiking, speaking, singing, etc.) Are we ok if He chooses to take them back? Can we be content with whatever God allows in our lives? I want to exhibit Job's attitude: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

The most precious truth to realize and experience is that even though life is tough and we experience hard things, God is with me. He is the greatest Gift of all - Himself.

Mother's Day and Andy's birthday fall close together on the calendar. So that sounds like a good reason for the family to get together - which we did yesterday. Christy and Dawn and their families stopped at Care One Harmony Village to see Andy and wish him a happy birthday before coming on over to the house for a picnic. Christy posted some beautiful sentiments about her dad on facebook and people weighed in with comments that were kind, loving and encouraging. 
 

 
I read Ann Voskamp's blog post for Mother's Day where she said she wasn't interested in receiving flowers, cards, chocolates or any gift, for that matter. What mattered most to her was for the family to be together, enjoying each other's company. I feel the same. It means so much to me to just sit at the table with the kids and grandkids, to watch them eat and interact with their sisters, brothers-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. I don't need to necessarily have a conversation with any of them, it's just such a joy for them all to be there. I love seeing them love each other. It doesn't take much for them to start laughing, joking and having fun together.

 
Then, of course, there's the cuteness of the youngest in his superman shirt.

I got in one last hike earlier this past week (last because I don't like hiking in the summer with the heat, humidity, mosquitoes and ticks). A friend joined me on our outing to Brendan T. Byrne State Forest. I love that park. We stopped at the Ranger Station and hiked 3 miles to Pakim Pond. It's a hike through a variety of foliage and trees. My favorite is through a stand of Atlantic white cedars. They are such tall and beautiful trees. It happened to be one of those days where the sky was a rich blue, the air was warm, and the sun was shining. It makes for lovely pictures with all that color. We ate our lunch at the picnic tables by the pond before hiking the 3 miles back.

When Christian was down yesterday, he was kind enough to prop up my holly tree that had been weighed down by one of those heavy snows we had.

When I checked out his handiwork, I was amused that he had used a juicy juice carton as part of his fix.

I like the way the holly stands against the chimney.

Another tree that I had been concerned for was the dogwood. A number of significant branches had been broken off during that heavy snow. But it outdid itself with all those pink flowers. I think it will be ok.

Psalm 34:4 ~ "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." I've always considered that when I entertained fear, I was not trusting in the Lord. But as I read this verse, I was struck with the promise that when I seek the Lord, He delivers me from my fears. I surely can't deliver myself. I try to turn over my worries to Him, but somehow they just keep returning. I'm overwhelmed and consumed with fear, sometimes -  fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of my lack of finances to pay for Andy's care. But deliverance from my fears isn't up to me. This was a great "aha" moment as I thought about it. 

My application for Medicaid assistance is nearing completion. My attorney sent me a letter with a list of things I needed to do yet, and I am working on checking off those items. This is an incredible process. I don't know how people manage to do all that's required. I have an attorney who is doing most of the work, but I still need to provide her with reams of paperwork, contacting my bank and my financial agent innumerable times for documents to prove my need. I'm learning a lot in this process, but I admit I'll be so relieved when it's all done and behind me.

There's an element of expectancy in all of this. God is a Creator and He is creative in the way He works things out. His ways are higher than ours and He sees details that we can't in our finite-ness. So as I wait for things to work out, I expect that they will; and some day the details will be astonishingly accurate and awesome - more than we can think or imagine!

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Ephesians 3:20 ~ "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" 

And through all of this, God will get the glory. That's my desire.

What should have been a lovely walk around the property turned into a sinking feeling when I noticed one of our pine trees loaded with bag worm cocoons.  This was one of the trees I've been nurturing since it was a wee little stick. Over ten years ago, I bought 10 pine trees for $1 from the National Arbor Foundation. They were so little that one or two of them accidentally got run over with the lawn mower. But I still have seven trees that are doing well and have grown significantly. These pictures were taken 9 years ago - they were just pine tree babies.

And how they grew.

So I was not happy to see one of those babies just full of bag worm cocoons waiting to hatch. Thankfully, Google gave me the information that they hatch in late May. Google also suggested several ways to take care of bag worms. One way was to let them hatch to provide food for the birds. Another way was to use chemicals to spray on them after they hatch. Or you could cut them all off the tree and get rid of them before they hatch. That is what I chose to do. I didn't want to mess with chemicals. I had already had some experience with spraying caterpillars and it wasn't a pretty sight. I really didn't think I could go through with that process myself. 

Yesterday was a nice day for working outside so I spent the morning cutting off those cocoons. I had to drag a ladder out to reach the top of the tree, but I managed to get all of them - I hope.

I filled a 2 gallon ziploc baggie full of those nasty things. I hope I got them all, but if I didn't, maybe the birds will have some to enjoy.

Cutting out those cocoons and dead branches can be compared to the pruning that needs to be done in our lives. Worms or sins that creep in and eat us up devastate us spiritually. But God, the Master Pruner, knows how to cut off branches that are diseased so that the rest of the tree will be healthier and more productive. 

I love to read and re-read John 15 where Jesus talks about the vine and the branches. Every vine needs to be pruned, taking away the dead to make way for new shoots. Pruning is painful, but it's necessary if we want to grow in our walk with the Lord. 

I met Dawn at Care One yesterday with her kids to visit Andy. I love the energy of the kids. I think Kira was a little sad over seeing Andy because she remembers how fun he was for and with her. But Kasey and Cole accept him as he is because it's the only way they've ever known him. All of the kids are developing a level of compassion, though, because of their association with their Poppop. Little Cole saw me feeding Andy, then he offered Andy his ice cream. It was so sweet. 

I am currently reading through the psalms in my morning time with the Lord. I love David's heart for the Lord. Even when he is in despair, he still finds something to praise the Lord about. Some of his circumstances were so difficult, but he focused on God's character. God's unfailing love, his righteousness, faithfulness, justice remain constant and true. 

A year or so ago, as I was reading through the Bible, I marked in red ink all the verses that talk about God's love for his children. The psalms in my Bible are full of those red marks.

Psalm 25:6, 7 ~ "Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old....according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD."

Psalm 25:10 ~ "All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful..."

Psalm 31:16 ~ "Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love."

Psalm 31:21 ~ "Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me."

Psalm 32:10 ~ "The LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

Psalm 33:5 ~ "The earth is full of his unfailing love."

Psalm 33:18, 22 ~ "But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love...May your unfailing love rest upon us O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Psalm 36:5, 7 ~ "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies...How priceless is your unfailing love!"

Isn't that such a comfort to know that God's love is described as unfailing. It is always there. It's who God is. "God is love," 1 John 4:16. And if God loves me, then I can be assured He will take care of me. He prunes out those hurtful worms, fertilizes and waters me so that I will grow and bear much fruit. He protects me from trouble and surrounds me with songs of deliverance. (another psalm - Psalm 32:7) 

Jesus loved the psalms, too. In his earthly ministry, he quoted often from the psalms. When he was talking with the two men on the road to Emmaus, he told them that "everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms."

So here is something to think about till your head spins: Did Jesus quote David in the psalms, or did David quote Jesus because he (David) "spoke from God as [he was] carried along by the Holy Spirit" (2 Peter 1:21)?

The voice of the Lord is powerful...

Can you imagine creating anything just by speaking? But that's exactly how God created the world. Psalm 29 describes how powerful God's voice is.

Verse 3 ~ "The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord thunders over the mighty waters."

Verse 4 ~ "The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is majestic."

Verse 5 ~ "The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars; the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon."

Verse 7 ~ "The voice of the Lord strikes with flashes of lightning."

Verse 8 ~ "The voice of the Lord shakes the desert..."

Verse 9 ~ "The voice of the Lord twists the oaks and strips the forests bare." 

We were living in Washington state when Mount St. Helens erupted. The forests were stripped bare and the mountain looked desolate. Unbelievable power was evident in that destruction. There's no doubt about it, God is omnipotent - all powerful. 

But the amazing thing is that the final verse of Psalm 29, after talking about the awesome power of God, gives this assurance:

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." 

There is so much Scripture to support this truth. Over and over again, God tells us that He gives us his strength.

Isaiah 40:29 ~ "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Isaiah 41:10 ~ "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Philippians 4:13 ~ "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

And what about the display of God's power in the resurrection of Jesus from the dead? When you think about death, it can feel so depressing, so final. We do whatever we can to avoid it, or at least, avoid thinking about it. But because of Jesus, death has lost its sting. There is hope beyond the grave. Death is only a door into a fuller life.

I went to a funeral yesterday. I was actually looking forward to going. Then I started wondering if I was being morbid for "enjoying" going to funerals. I've been to several recently. When the funeral or memorial service is for a Christian, it is an opportunity to remember the person, the contribution he made to our lives, and how he lived his life to glorify God. 

Maybe because I feel I am closer to death because of Andy's suffering, but my heart seems more tuned in to the hope that God offers to those of us who grieve, as well as the picture of him welcoming us home to himself. Pastor often uses the illustration in his devotional about how when Paul was nearing the end of his life, he wrote to Timothy to tell him the time of his departure was near. (2 Timothy 4:6) But this only indicates a journey. Yes, there is a departure...but there is also a destination. I love the picture in 2 Peter 1:11 where we are told that we "will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." That sounds like a party to me! Yes, we're sorrowful here, but it's party time in heaven when he calls his children home.

My days are so emotionally up and down. I mentioned to a wise counselor this week that I feel so emotionally fragile. He was very kind and validated my feelings. He visits Andy occasionally and affirmed that it is so difficult to visit and see Andy in his condition. But he can't imagine how I do it when I visit Andy every day. 

As it was such a beautiful spring day yesterday, I decided to try to get Andy outside for some fresh air. So after dinner, I took him out for a stroll around the courtyard. We had only gone a quarter of the way around, when I noticed he was walking with his eyes closed. I asked him what was wrong, and he mumbled something. I told him he needed to open his eyes to see where he was going, but he kept them shut. Fortunately, I was holding his hand and leading him along. I got him back inside as quickly as I could, took him to his room and helped him lie down on the bed. I don't know what was wrong. Was the sun too strong for his eyes? Was he upset about something? 

I got him settled, then read the book of Ruth to him. He seems to do better with me reading the stories of the Bible. I finished all four chapters. Then he got up off the bed and walked out of the room - back to "normal." A couple of days ago, I read the book of Jonah to him. I was amused that when I got to the part where the sailors threw Jonah overboard, Andy interjected with, "Bummer!" It made me chuckle.

 Another difficult thing for me is that I feel I'm living two lives. On the one hand is the extreme sadness I feel as I think about and spend time with Andy. I miss having him live life with me and share in the experiences I'm having. On the other hand, there is a lot of joy that I experience - with family, friends, my home, work, nature, etc. 

Amy and the kids came down on Tuesday. It's always such a treat to see them. We ate lunch together, then went over to see Andy. He seemed glad to see them. We spent some time in the ice cream parlor before taking him back to his room. His ability to handle long visits is just too physically taxing for him.

I went with Amy to Laurel Acres Park to walk around the lake and hike through the woods. We were pleasantly surprised to see some woodland flowers blooming along the way.

The kids were happy to pose for pictures...where do they get all their energy? Oh, the exuberance of youth!

Yesterday was another lovely day, so after the morning funeral, I met up with three friends and went over to Amico Island Park on the Delaware River. We saw turtles sunning, deer (if you look closely), the far off Philadelphia skyline, and enjoyed being out in nature with other women.
 

 

 

 

I appreciate people's concern for me and assurances that they're praying for me. When they ask me how I'm doing, I can only answer that I'm doing this in the strength God supplies. He is a great God, powerful and strong, giving strength to the weary and increasing the power of the weak. If his strength is made powerful in weakness, then there you have it!

1 Peter 4:11 ~ ..."If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ "But [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'."

Our church had a ladies retreat this weekend. The theme for the weekend was "perseverance" and discipleship. I was honored to be invited to be part of a panel for the perseverance theme. I don't really feel like I'm an expert at persevering, but when I told my daughter that, she responded with some very kind and encouraging words: "...Being that an expert is someone who has a comprehensive knowledge about a particular subject I would say you qualify to talk about suffering. Maybe you don't feel that you are suffering well, but you do know it well and will certainly have wisdom to share. I'm sure it will be good for you and I'm glad you are going."

I'm glad I did it. I spent a lot of time this past week thinking about the subject, looking up Scripture and praying about how the Lord could use me to minister and encourage others who are going through hard times. One of the questions that was asked was: "How have you maintained your faithfulness in your journey?"

Anyone who reads my blog knows I am a reader. I constantly have 2 or 3 books going. I choose books that will challenge me in my walk with the Lord, books that focus on the goodness of God, on the purpose of suffering, or biographies of people who have endured through hard times. 

Here is a list of some of my favorite books:
1. Be Still My Soul, by Nancy Guthrie
2. The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone
3. Holding on to Hope, by Nancy Guthrie
4. Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, by Nancy Guthrie
5. If God is Good, by Randy Alcorn
6. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, by Timothy Keller
7. When God Weeps, by Joni Eareckson Tada
8. A Place of Healing, by Joni Eareckson Tada
9. Jesus Wept, by Bruce Marchiano
10. Abide in Christ, by Andrew Murray

Music also ministers to me. Often times, songs are developed in the heart of the song writer because of difficulties they are facing. Those kinds of songs speak to the heart, reminding us of God's faithfulness, love and presence. 

My suggestions of songs that are uplifting and God honoring:
1. O My Soul, All My Days by Casting Crowns
2. More Than Anything, by Natalie Grant
3. Even If, by Mercy Me
4. Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury 
5. Trust in You, by Lauren Daigle 
6. The Cross Has the Final Word, by the Newsboys
7. At the Cross, by Chris Tomlin


And there are many more.

One of the things I mentioned that helps me through the hard times is Scripture memory. Years ago, when I started memorizing Scripture, I promised God I wouldn't brag about how many verses I knew by heart. It would be a secret between him and me. But I felt him prompting me to mention the importance of "hiding God's Word in our hearts." I confessed that I have memorized whole books of the Bible, as well as whole portions of other meaningful texts. The reason I felt this is an important step in being able to cope with life's trials is that now when I have a night where I can't sleep, I have something to think about. Reviewing passages I have memorized places my mind in the right place - instead of going to the worry place. I do that anyway, but I'm so grateful that I can leave the worry and go to the Scriptures for peace and comfort. Sometimes, I review for hours, but usually, it only takes a minute or two before I feel myself relaxing and drifting back to sleep. 

One of the passages I memorized a while back was 2 Peter 1:1-11. As I was reviewing it this week, I was struck with the word "perseverance" in the middle of a list of qualities that we receive as a result of knowing Jesus. Perseverance is next to godliness (not cleanliness!). But that list of qualities, faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, love, are given to us by Jesus' divine power for life and godliness.

All of life is dependent on Jesus living in and through me. Apart from Him I can do nothing. He is faithful and helps me to be faithful. He is the God of encouragement and encourages me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and He helps me to persevere. Even the perseverance is from Him. Without Him, I would quit...this is too hard. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ~ "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." He certainly didn't quit, but was faithful to the task the Father had planned for our salvation.

Spring is taking its good old time to warm up. Everyone seems so ready for it to get warmer, but I think the flowers are staying with us longer because it's cooler. It's like they're refrigerated!
 

 I "borrowed" a book I saw at Christy's the last time I was at her house. It wasn't even her book, someone had loaned it to her. And I didn't ask her permission to read it, I just picked it up and told her I wanted to read it! So because of that, I felt I needed to read it quickly since I didn't ask permission and since it wasn't hers. The book was When God Doesn't Fix It by Laura Story. She tells the story of how after only one year of marriage, her husband developed a brain tumor. He underwent surgery to remove the tumor, but the surgery affected his vision and his short term memory. He will never get better. He's young with a young family. Laura is the bread winner, working a full time job, taking care of him and her children. How does she do it? She writes candidly and honestly about their situation. She felt prompted to tell her story, "a story without an ending. A story, not of hope, but of being held by Him during [her] hopelessness."

It got me to thinking. How often have I wondered "how long..." It's already been 5 years that Andy has been ill. He continues to decline, it's painful to visit him and see him suffering. How long??? But there others who are suffering and have suffered their whole life. I know a family that has a severely disabled daughter. She is currently 18 years old, has been in and out of the hospital those 18 years. How long can this family endure? I know another woman whose husband died several years ago. She has a daughter who is in her 40's with the mental capacity of a 3 year old. How does she endure? Or what about Joni Eareckson Tada who has been a quadriplegic for 50 years?

Then I was reading Psalm 13 where David asked 4 times in the first 2 verses: "How long?"

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" But then David appeals to the Lord.

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death."

And he concludes with this declaration of his faith in God: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

What a perfect ending to our angst and questions...look to God, trust Him, focus on his goodness and love and the many blessings we enjoy.

In spite of the difficult journey I'm on, I feel incredibly blessed by God. His hand is on me and I experience moments of great joy and fulfillment. I also thank God that He has opened my eyes to be able to see and give thanks for those blessings.

Let me count the ways I saw God's blessings this week.

Earlier in the week, I received a text from Christy saying Claire wanted me to attend the spring concert she would be in on Friday evening. Grace and Aiden were also involved in a different choir for older kids, participating in the same program. I agreed that I would like to go. As I thought about it, I got brave and decided to stay with the family overnight instead of driving home late. I say that was brave of me because I knew I wouldn't get good sleep even though I would not be getting to bed as late as if I drove home to my own bed. It turned out as I expected. The concert was great - such a joy to watch my dear grandkids singing in a choir, participating in ministry to their parents and relatives. Of course, my grandchildren were the prettiest and best up there! When we made it back to their house, we got ready for bed. I was pretty tired, but as I had anticipated, I couldn't get to sleep. I lay there, tossing and turning, watching the minutes tick by. I finally drifted off, but then woke up at 4:40 A.M. (What's wrong with me!) But I think I'm finally learning not to fight it or be upset when I get only a few hours sleep. The amazing thing I've discovered is that I really don't feel that bad all day, even with only 4 hours of sleep. This is a blessing in itself: to be able to "rest" in lack of sleep, to not fret or be upset or greedy for more.

When I woke up so early, I lay there hoping that when I finally did get up, I would not disturb the rest of the family. I got my shower, did some reading and still no one else was up. I was beginning to think about leaving and going home, even though we had talked about me taking one or two kids back with me. I was packing up my things, when Claire arrived at my elbow. She was hoping to go with me, so I told her I was ready to go. She quickly ate something and off we went. 

She is a talker and we did not lack for interesting conversation all the way home. We stopped at Starbucks for a coffee for me and a cake pop for her to break up the long journey a little. When we got to the house, Claire and I played a couple of games before the rest of the family arrived.

This is another wonderful blessing. Christian, in the tree trimming business, also has developed a mulching side to his business. He brought his truck filled to the brim with free mulch, with a trailer, hauling a MultiOne to help with the work. 

All of the kids are good, hard workers which is so helpful with all my gardens. They mulched, raked, and did a lot of grunt work all morning. Claire took her job as water carrier seriously. Can you catch it if I throw it?

  

It was a beautiful spring day with lovely blue skies and flowers bursting out in full bloom. This magnolia tree makes me so happy every spring.

I fed the family their lunch and everyone was very hungry after all their hard work. I'm glad I had enough food. I was beginning to worry a little before everyone said they were full.

After lunch Christian cut down a tree for the neighbor who lives right next to me. It was a tree that kept dropping branches, including a branch that landed on his car a couple of weeks ago. I love to watch Christian do his work. He is so knowledgeable and skilled in his work.

 

I'm not the only one who likes to watch him work. He had quite the audience.

Another blessing is how God brings along the right person as a resource for my needs as they arise. In Andy's days of dealing with helping people, sometimes that involved finding a lawyer to help with their issues. He became acquainted with an elder law attorney that assisted several people in our congregation with their legal issues. As a result, she developed a great respect and liking for dealing with Andy. When Andy became ill, she redid our wills and I came to know her as well. I have hired her to help me get the paperwork together to make my application for Medicaid assistance. I met with her to submit more paperwork this week and for her to go over final details with me so that application can be filed soon.

And speaking of the right person at the right time...I've been thinking I might need to try to find another facility that's cheaper for Andy to be moved to. But that task seems daunting to me. How do I figure out the best place? He needs a certain level of care...it can't be just any nursing home. He needs help in all his daily living tasks. But then a person stopped at the office one day this past week as I was getting ready to leave work. We got to talking and she told me she works in nursing homes and has experience with them and can give me a list of possibilities for me to check out. She encouraged me to make appointments for a tour in each of them to get a more realistic feel for what they are like, which you can't necessarily get by just a phone call or even a check online.

Last night after all that hard work outside, I was sitting in my chair, when my phone dinged. I got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to walk early this morning. Wow! God was thinking of me, to put the idea in my friend's head to want to spend a little time with me. I love this woman, have known her for twenty years, and any time we can be together is a treat. So off we went this morning. The weather was foggy and misty and we came back pretty damp, but our conversation was encouraging to both of us.

As I visit Andy each day, I've been wondering how much he really remembers or knows. So one evening I experimented by asking him a couple of questions. I asked him who he was. He didn't answer. Then I asked him what his name was. He tried, but still didn't answer. Then I asked him if he knew who I was. He mumbled something unintelligible and seemed a bit frustrated. So I asked him if those questions were too hard. And he answered with a clear, "Yes." Now this is the amazing thing: a little later as I was preparing to leave, he looked straight at me and said very clearly: "You're beautiful." What makes some things so impossible to penetrate to his understanding, but other things as clear as day? This, too, was a gift from God. My heart was happy and I still, several days later, gain pleasure from remembering that moment.

These examples are clear indications that God is present with me, ministering to and encouraging me. He truly is a good God, personally involved in the details of our lives. I am spiritually strengthened by contemplating the sovereignty of God. 

 

Psalm 71:5

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth.
 

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 109:21

But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
 

Psalm 140:7

Sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle.
 

Psalm 141:8

But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death.
 

Isaiah 25:8

He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.
 

Jeremiah 32:17

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.


Nothing is too hard for our Sovereign Lord.