Andy is not the only one who forgets. I need constant reminders of the Lord's unfailing and abiding love, grace, mercy and kindness to me. 

On Tuesday's Morning and Evening devotional by Spurgeon, I was so moved by the words he used to convey God's amazing love for us. I'm writing it here as a reminder to myself of how good God is - always, even when I struggle with grief, sad times and difficult experiences.

Spurgeon based his thoughts on 1 Timothy 6:17: "God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy."

"Our Lord Jesus is always giving and does not for a single moment withdraw His hand...He is an ever-shining sun; He is manna in unfailing supply; He is a rock in the desert, sending constant streams of life from His pierced side; the rain of His grace is always falling; the King can never die, so His grace can never fail. Every day we pluck His fruit, and every day His branches bend down to our hand with a fresh supply of mercy. There are seven feast days in His weeks, and as many banquets in His years. Who has ever returned from His door unblessed? Who has ever risen from His table unsatisfied? His mercies are new every morning and fresh every evening. Who can calculate the number of His benefits or value the extent of His provision? Every passing day we are the beneficiaries of a myriad of mercies. The wings of our hours are covered with the silver of His kindness and with the yellow gold of His favor. The countless stars serve as the standard bearers of incalculable blessings. Who can measure the benefits that He bestows on His servant or recount the extent of His mercies toward His own? How shall my soul extol Him who loads us with daily benefits, and who crowns us with loving-kindness? O that my praise could be as endless as His provision."

"You are good and what You do is good? Psalm 119:68

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as You always do to those who love Your name." Psalm 119:132 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all -- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

God gives us no room for doubt - He loves us and wants our best. 

Dawn and I went to visit Andy again on Tuesday. He was in good spirits and enjoyed the children. 

The rest of the week was a mix of watering the flowers in the evening because of the unseasonable heat and several meetings with friends. The gardens are full of color right now and so beautiful. I can't get enough of them.

I've been listening to two songs in particular this week, both express a resolve to trust God no matter what we're going through.

Even If
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able 

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Songwriters: Bart Marshall Millard / Benjamin Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Arthur Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Music Services, Inc

Trust in You

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

Songwriters: Lauren Daigle / Michael Farren / Paul Mabury

Trust in You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Capitol Christian Music Group

Life has its ebb and flow, good days and bad days, highs and lows, mountains and valleys, agonies and ecstasies, pain and joy, tears and laughter. 

At this point in my life, a good day means a bit of a spark in Andy's eye; a bad day is conversation that doesn't make sense, severe tremors and a vacant look.

I never know what to expect when I visit Andy. I go to see him every day, and sometimes twice a day. I'm trying to go every Tuesday morning so that Dawn can see her dad. She takes the kids with her, so it's helpful if I'm there to lend extra hands and arms. He's always responsive to the kids, and they seem to love being with him, too.

This past Tuesday was a beautiful spring day, so we were able to sit outside the facility. Of course, they had to have their ice cream. Then the older kids were able to put their energy into running up and down the sidewalk.
 

I love Kasey's girly outfits - all the sequins, sparkles and tulle! And that's her favorite necklace. She always wears it. Today she told me that necklace gives her power.  I think I need one of those.

Friday was Andy's birthday so I made a carrot cake, intending to party it up at his facility when I went in to visit him. When I got there, though, he was lying down and saying he felt awful. I had a hard time getting him up, but he finally did when his brother and a high school buddy came to visit. No one else was in the dining area at that moment, so I cut 4 pieces of cake for us.

I told him to smile before I snapped the picture, and this is what I got! He's such a good sport.

Today was Mother's Day and Dawn invited me to join her family at her in-laws'. I was happy to be able to do that. I brought some goodies to add to the meal, having spent most of yesterday indoors because of the rain. It was a happy time for me making/creating in my kitchen.

It's been unseasonably cool so I've put off planting annuals. But I couldn't wait any longer as we got toward the end of the week. Now that all that brown mulch is down, we needed some color to liven it up a bit. And is there anything more cheerful than the color yellow?

 

I was sad to see the condition of this yellow rhododendron. The bush has all these dead branches, except this one brave stalk.

 

 I came across a youtube video of John Piper talking about God's love: God Didn't Wait for You to Believe. It was such an encouragement to me. I'm so thankful that God didn't wait for me to respond to him, but He initiated. He set His affection on me, He chose me, (Deuteronomy 10:15; 1 Thessalonians 1:4 and 2 Thessalonians 2:13).  Ephesians 2:4 tells us that God is "rich in mercy" and because of the "great love with which he loved us," he made us alive, even when we were dead in our sins. 


These are beautiful truths to give us the strength to keep on keeping on. It's a great comfort to know God, to experience His faithfulness, His unchanging nature when we face uncertainties and disappointments.

Lamentations 3:19-26, 32-33
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him.'
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

"A short stay on earth will make heaven more heavenly. Nothing makes rest so enjoyable as work; nothing renders security so pleasant as exposure to danger. The bitter cups of earth will give a relish to the new wine that sparkles in the golden bowls of heaven. Our battered armor and scarred countenances will render more glorious our victory above, when we are welcomed to the seats of those who have overcome the world. We would not have full baptism of suffering among men, and we must be baptized with the same if we would share His kingdom. Fellowship with Christ is so honorable that the sorest sorrow is a light price by which to procure it."
(Morning and Evening, by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, May 6th evening reading)

These are high and lofty thoughts to dwell on and good reminders. Yes, earthly sorrows make heaven seem so much more attractive. To think that some day our struggles with sin and sickness and sorrow will be a distant memory. Because of the promise of heaven, we have hope to press on and joy in the journey (because of Jesus, not our circumstances).

But even as we hope for an end to our troubles, Spurgeon reminds us that "the wish to escape trouble is a selfish one. Rather let your longing be to glorify God by your life down here as long as He pleases, even though you live in the midst of toil and conflict and suffering."
(Morning and Evening, by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, May 2nd morning reading)

It's difficult to not become weary in the routine of my life right now. In many ways, it seems like I'm in limbo, in a "no-man's land." But I need to rest in those circumstances and allow God to do his work in my heart, even when, or especially when, I see no end in sight.

Andy continues much the same: one day he seems pretty good (relatively speaking, of course), the next day, he doesn't. Some days his health seems pretty fragile, other days, not so bad. Well, I need to be thankful that we are in a time of relative peace - no emergencies or issues that require extreme measures.

I met Dawn on Tuesday so we could visit Andy together. She gets to see her dad and I help her with all the kids. 

I love how the kids really love their Poppop. Isn't Cole's hand on Andy's knee cute?Andy really enjoys the children coming to visit him. And I'm so glad they can.

Dawn has a favorite dinner that I always make for her birthday but for some reason, I missed this year. When I realized it, I invited her to come over on Wednesday evening, and I would make it for her. Tommy says he hates seafood, plus he was not going to be home for dinner on Wednesday evening, so it was perfect timing.

In my mind there is nothing special about Tuna Ring, but she loves it...so I make it for her. 

One of my Christmas presents this past year from Christy and her family was a promise to help me with any project I wanted done. I was so blessed that they came down yesterday and mulched all my gardens. I ordered 6 yards of mulch - a veritable mountain!

Her kids are getting older and are hard, willing workers. I was so proud of them, they worked for hours without complaining. I wonder if they have sore muscles today. I sure do!

 

Last year I spent hundreds of dollars for a lawn service to mulch for me. This year, thanks to my daughter, her husband and kids, the cost was just the price of their lunch. I also had the joy of spending time and working with them. It made the day soooo fun. I couldn't help but think that Christy more than made up for all those times she found excuses as a teen to get out of working around the house! 

Even the littlest one brought her work gloves and moved mulch around. But at lunch time, she took the opportunity to hit the dress up clothes box.

What a good feeling to have all that mulching done. Now to buy some annuals and plant them around for some added color.



When I first started designing my gardens, my goal was to plant bushes/perennials that would provide flowers all year. I've accomplished my goal except for the winter. For several years, I bought and planted winter pansies in the fall, which would bloom again in the spring, even if they had been buried under several feet of snow. However, the last year or so, we've had an abundance of bunnies, who I think are the critters that eat the flowers off the pansy plants. So I don't buy them any more...waste of money.
A week ago, my deep purple lilacs were blooming, now the lilac colored ones are in full bloom. They really make the air smell sweet, too. As soon as you walk off the deck, you can smell the beautiful fragrance.

And don't you love that splotch of red among the different shades of green!

"A tested saint, like a well-cut diamond, glitters much in the King's crown. Nothing reflects so much honor on a workman as a protracted and severe trial of his work and his triumphant endurance of the ordeal without giving in or giving up. We are God's workmanship, and He will be glorified by our afflictions. It is for the honor of Jesus that we endure the trial of our faith with sacred joy."
(More of Morning and Evening, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, May 6th evening reading) 

This is my desire, to endure with sacred joy, to run with patience the race that is marked out for me. I am weak and unable, though, apart from the power of Jesus that works in and through me. May I trust Him fully and rest on His amazing grace and unfailing love.

"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (Hebrew 13:20-21)

He equips us with everything good for doing his will. Everything! Has anything been omitted? Is there any more I desire? Is there any more equipment I require in order to live to the full for the Lord? The promise says I have everything.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:10) 

"May God Himself, the God of Peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24) 

He calls us to an impossible task - to be holy and blameless - but then He does that very work Himself through us. 

By living His life through me, He enables me to be pleasing in His sight. He also gives me the grace to endure the difficult things I encounter in this life. The amazing reality is that I'm not just "enduring," but experiencing the joy He gives just by knowing Him.

Andy seemed to be doing better by the end of the week, and I thought his infection was under control. But I just got back from visiting him, and he is saying he is feeling lousy again. He finished up his antibiotic yesterday so it must not have killed the bacteria that caused his infection.

I had a meeting with some of the personnel at Care One. I'm very happy with their care. I met more for just talking, having a conversation and getting some counsel for my own peace of mind. I expressed the fact that I was feeling a bit "stretched." After all, I'm still working, taking care of the house and yard, and trying to get over to see Andy every day. They told me I didn't need to feel like I have to be there every day. Andy seems pretty contented at this point, and it doesn't seem to register if I'm there or not. Yes, he still knows who I am and when I'm there, he expresses thanks and appreciation for my being there. But he doesn't sit around and wonder where I am, or seem to notice if I miss a day here and there. 

I was able to fit in a number of fun activities this week. On Wednesday afternoon, I babysat Dawn's kids so she could have a couple of hours to herself. It was a nice day so I got out the bikes and stroller, and we set off for our adventure.

Both girls are really fast on their bikes, although Kasey went a little too fast down a hill and her bike toppled over. Grammy fail!

Thankfully, her teeth were unaffected, and it was just a cut on the lip. I'm sure it still hurt, though. She cried a little, but over all, was very brave. I had to keep Kira from being too dramatic about BLOOD! But we all survived.

On Friday, I met up with Christy and her kids at Morris Arboretum. It was a beautiful day - couldn't have been better. And we love that place. 

My phone said we had walked about 3 miles by the time we were getting ready to leave. And a certain little 5 year old was getting tired. Unfortunately, the stroller had a flat tire so it was impossible for anyone to get a ride in it. So I took pity on her and offered to piggy back her. When she climbed on my back, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get up. But after a few attempts I made it. It turned out to be quite a workout because the going was all up hill!

I was a little surprised that I wasn't displaying any allergy symptoms while walking around so long outdoors, but on the way home, I started sneezing. Then I commenced with the nose blowing. Well, at least it didn't bother me until afterwards.

Yesterday, Saturday morning, I met a friend to do a little hiking. She had never been to the Black Run Preserve, so I took her over there. Fortunately, we started early enough because it got pretty hot and humid by the time we were finished. 

I was feeling a little tired in the morning when I got up, but after a cup of coffee, I perked up. By the end of our hike, though, I was feeling so exhausted, I was wondering if I was getting sick. After I had my lunch, I decided to lie down, and I slept for an hour. I got up, but still felt awful and lay down again. Believe it or not, I slept the rest of the day. I didn't eat anything for supper, called Care One to let them know I wouldn't be coming over and to let Andy know, then went back to bed and slept till this morning. 

I was wondering what in the world was the matter with me, but think it must be allergy related. There is a lot of pollen out there right now, and I was out in nature for two days. 

I've been reading through Randy Alcorn's 50 Days of Heaven. One of the things he mentions that has been such an incredible thought is that God will one day, restore the earth. This earth will one day be redeemed, restored, renewed, reconciled, recovered, regenerated, resurrected....(Lots of re- words) Randy Alcorn says that "God has never given up on his original creation." 

Randy goes on to say, "God has never surrendered his title deed to the earth. He owns it--and he will not relinquish it to his enemies. In fact, Scripture tells us that 'the reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work'. (1 John 3:8)"

All the beauty we enjoy now in and on this earth, will be so much better on the new earth. I really like thinking about that while I'm out in nature. It's especially comforting to think that on the new earth I will not suffer from allergic reactions or tick and mosquito bites. And that really will be Paradise!

I wish I had good news to report, but I'm afraid that's not the case for this post. Andy's UTI came back with a vengeance. He was feeling pretty good last Saturday when the family was all there. Then two of our women friends went to visit him on Monday and reported that their visit with him was very good, with him asking about their husbands and remembering some details about our friendship and things we had done with them. 

I had a pretty good visit with him on Tuesday evening as well. But Wednesday was a different story. His tremors were extreme, and he told me he felt terrible. I checked with the nurse, and she said he had a temperature of 100.9, and they were going to get a urine sample. They did get the sample but the unfortunate detail of uti's is that when they get the sample, they need a few days for the culture to grow the bacteria in order to get the results they need. They did start him on an antibiotic but didn't get the positive results until Saturday morning when they started him on a more aggressive antibiotic. 

Meanwhile, he suffered. He was so confused and pretty much stayed in bed all three days. Last night (Saturday) when I visited, he was in bed. The caregivers brought his dinner in to his room. He could hardly sit up, and I needed help to get him upright. Then he only ate half a sandwich before wanting to lie down again.

I felt so sorry for him, but so helpless to know what to do for him. He "talked" quite a bit, but nothing he said was understandable or made sense.

As I sat beside him, I was reminded that one of the first times he contracted one of these infections was when we lived in Portland, Oregon. He was studying at the seminary and working several jobs to support his family. We had our oldest daughter at the time, who was between 4-6 months old. 

He became so ill, he couldn't leave his bed. He was shaking with chills and had a very high fever. When we finally decided to take him to the doctor, he was so weak he could hardly walk. Then being upright brought on queasiness and nausea. He actually threw up in the doctor's office. The doctor had him admitted to the local hospital, and he was in the ICU for several days before he started to get better.

As I was thinking of this, I couldn't help feeling so grateful that the Lord spared his life at that time. It could have turned out so differently - where I would have been a young widow with a very young child - all alone and so far away from home and family. 

At this point, I'm grateful he is in a facility where he gets professional care 24/7.

In spite of the stress of watching Andy suffer, there were a couple of bright spots in my week. Monday was Aiden's birthday, so I left work an hour early and drove up to help celebrate. He is now 14 years old. He wasn't feeling that well, with a cold, so he decided he wouldn't come back home with me. 

On Friday, Dawn called to ask if I wanted to go with her to Cairn University to attend a concert. It would be the last concert her former voice/music teacher was conducting before retiring. I'm not normally a spontaneous person, but I decided: "Why not?" Besides it would give me a chance to be with just Dawn for a while, and at the same time, we'd get to enjoy some high quality music.

The music was excellent and Dawn enjoyed reconnecting with her teacher and other former students and classmates. One of the songs the chorale sang was a song I've recently been listening to a lot: The Power of the Cross. What a beautiful song, chock full of truth.

"Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us,
Took the blame, bore the wrath:
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face
Bearing the awesome weight of sin;
Every bitter thought,
Every evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees,
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
'Finished!' the victory cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death,
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the power of the cross:
Son of God, slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Stuart Townend & Keith Getty Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music (Adm. by CapitolCMGPublishing.com excl. UK & Europe, adm. by Integrity Music, part of the David C Cook family, songs@integritymusic.com) 

Isn't this a wonderful thing to think about: death is crushed to death and life is mine to live; won through Jesus' selfless love.

I finished Shattered Dreams. Although I was tempted to quit before I got halfway through, I'm glad I kept going. I was telling a friend I wasn't very impressed with the book. The author may be a good counselor, and I liked what I had seen of him on the Grief Share video series. The book was touted as a study of the life of Naomi, but he really didn't spend a lot of time with her. And when he did, I wasn't sure of his interpretation. But his later chapters were insightful and helpful. I especially liked chapter 17, "The Three Lessons of Brokenness."

According to Larry Crabb, the author, here are the 3 lessons:

1.  Lesson 1 - "The good news of the gospel is not that God will provide a way to make life easier. The good news of the gospel, for this life, is that He will make our lives better. We will be empowered to draw close to God and to love others well and to do both for one central purpose, to glorify God, to make Him look good to any who watch us live." 

He says that "without trials, only spoiled brats would enter heaven. And that would turn heaven into hell."

2.  Lesson 2 -  "When God seems most absent from us, He is doing His most important work in us."

"Seasons of personal suffering are opportunities for God to do His deepest work." He reminds us to think of the three hours of darkness on the cross, when Jesus screamed in agony, "God, where are you?" God said nothing, but it was during that exact time that God was in the Son reconciling the world to Himself.

3.  Lesson 3 - "It isn't always good to be blessed with the good things of life. Bad times provide an opportunity to know God that blessings can never provide."

He adds in a later paragraph: "Feeling good is not the goal. When we feel bad, we have the opportunity to do battle against the enemy within that keeps us from entering the Presence of God with no greater passion than to glorify Him."   

I also read Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus this week. This was written by a former devout Muslim who sought the truth. He writes elegantly and convincingly about his journey from Islam to Christianity. It was a boost to my faith to read how God led him through his searching and questioning to seek the truth.

Even though I spend a lot of time reading, working, and visiting Andy, I also squeeze in an hour here and there to do my yard work. I love this time of year, even though it doesn't love me. I can spend an hour outside, come in, then spend the next several hours sneezing and blowing my nose (all that nasty pollen). And it seems like the mosquitoes soon find me, as well.  

 
Jesus prayed to His Father in John 17:3 that his disciples would "know You, the only true God and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent." This is His highest dream for us, His children: to be more satisfied with Him than with anyone or anything else.

Larry Crabb says that we "can count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enough of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain continues to plague our hearts." (page 137)

So when the dreams we have entertained are shattered, we turn to God. We are dependent on His dependability, reliant on His reliability. He is the Hope for our hopelessness. He is better than the wildest dream we could think or imagine, and that Dream will come true and never shatter.