For whatever reason, I've been so tired lately. Mornings especially, have been quite a challenge for me to get out of bed and begin my day. In talking to friends about this, it seems they are experiencing the same phenomenon. Is it the darkness of the morning since the time has changed? Is it the dragging on of the cold dark winter? Is it the unchanging and depressing nature of what I'm going through? Perhaps it's a combination of those and more. 

It's times like these, though, that I need the presence of the Lord more than ever. He promises to give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak (Isaiah 40). It's also crucial that I don't spend too much time in the house alone. I purposely filled some of my hours this week with yard work. It was cold and windy and I had to work quickly and take lots of breaks in the house to warm up. But I was able to lug branches and storm debris to the street. I also raked up quite a few piles of small sticks and twigs, then bagged them up and took them to the street as well. They'll probably be there awhile because every house along the street has a pile of branches to be picked up. As much as I worked at it this week, there is still more to be done. 

I also recognize the need to spend time with people. I am happy to be able to meet up with Dawn every week. She likes to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters!
 

Then on Saturday, I was able to drive up to Lancaster County to spend some time with Amy and her family. It's so affirming to walk into the house and have everyone so happy to see me and receive all those hugs. We hung out till after lunch, then went to investigate a "park" Amy had driven by a number of times. It was a nice little park with a gravel path and a creek to explore. Chase just happened to have a fishing pole along so had to see if he could catch anything, but I think those fish were smart enough not to venture out into the cold.

So now Amy had to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters! Fun rivalry!

Reckless Love

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me

 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Songwriters: Caleb Culver / Cory Asbury / Ran Jackson

Reckless Love lyrics © Bethel Music Dba Bethel Music Publishing

I love this song. I was wondering, though, about God's love being reckless. The Bible is clear about his love being awesome and eternal. The definition of reckless according to the dictionary: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless." This is not a characteristic that I would ascribe to God. On the other hand, as the song goes on to say, "I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away." Yes, when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That's pretty reckless!

I remembered that years ago, Andy led a Bible study discussing Tim Keller's book, Prodigal God. 

 

Keller defines the word "prodigal" as "recklessly spendthrift." He goes on to explain that it means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the prodigal son story as his younger son. "The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

"God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not reckoning to them their trespasses" (2 Corinthians 5:19 - ASV). "Jesus is showing us the God of Great Expenditure, who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his children. God's reckless grace is our greatest hope, a life-changing experience." (from Prodigal God by Timothy Keller)

The Lord also reminded me of something Ann Voskamp posted once about Psalm 23:6: "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." She said that word "follow" actually means to chase down. I love that picture. God's love chases me down, doesn't just quietly and nicely "follow" me. He relentlessly pursues me. That seems pretty reckless to me.

Ephesians 2:4 ~ "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

Colossians 1:21, 22 ~ "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." 

I thank God for his overwhelming, never-ending, and reckless love.

Grace turned 17 on Monday so I had to drive over to Pa to celebrate. I made a cheescake for her the day before to help contribute to the festivities.

 

As usual, Claire provided the entertainment.

 

The big excitement of the week was the nor'easter that came through. It started out with rain on Wednesday morning. I was beginning to think the forecast was all just a bunch of hype, but by the time I left work at noon, the rain was turning to snow and the roads were pretty slushy and slick. It snowed all afternoon and was very treacherous out there. The snow was wet and heavy. Tree branches started breaking...I could hear them hit the ground with a whack. The snow was so beautiful...but did damage to a lot of trees in my yard as well as all over this part of south Jersey. We ended getting 7-8 inches.

The next morning, the sun came out and I was able to walk around a little to assess the damage. Unbelievably, I did not lose power although all over the neighborhood, others did.

This is going to be a lot of work to clean up. I don't care so much about the elms or maples, but the dogwood tree and holly tree had more significant damage. I don't know if they can be "fixed."

I thought the holly might straighten up after the snow fell off the branches, but on closer inspection, the roots were poking up out of the ground. I don't know if it can be straightened out, then staked. I'm willing to give it a try.

I was looking for another book to read, checking out the bookshelves, and settled on Future Grace by John Piper. I read it years ago, but decided it was a good time to be reminded of God's amazing grace in my life. I'm glad I picked this book because as I opened it and began reading, I was delighted to find Andy's notes from when he had read it.

I love everything John Piper writes. He is so God-centered with many reminders throughout his writing that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. 

"The reason future grace is so important is that everything in the Christian life depends on it. You can't be a Christian without faith in future grace. Jesus said, 'The way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it' (Matthew 7:14). Every turn in that narrow way is planned by future grace and empowered by future grace. At every point on the way, true saints sing, 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.' Every glance backward sparks gratitude for bygone grace; every look forward casts the soul onto faith in future grace."

Another paragraph:
"Grace would not be grace if it were a response to resources in us. Grace is grace because it highlights God's own overflowing resources of kindness. Grace is eternal because it will take that long for God to expend inexhaustible stores of goodness on us. Grace is free because God would not be the infinite, self-sufficient God he is if he were constrained by anything outside himself."

I desperately need this grace to make it through my visits with Andy every evening. His tremors continue to increase, then cause him distress and anxiety. It's so hard to see him like this. I often tear up as I drive home afterwards. I continue to read to him after I help with his dinner, but I really don't think he is understanding what I'm reading. Sometimes, he listens quietly, but often he is restless, getting up, pacing around, rearranging things in his room, or even leaving the room to wander around. 

There are bright spots, though, in the rest of my day. Dawn and I have been making it a habit to meet once a week at Starbucks. We have our drinks and chat for over an hour.
 

She needs the break from all the little ones she cares for during the day, and I need to spend the time with her, too. This is a gift.

One of the things I've been waiting for came through this week. My application for a HELOC (home equity line of credit) was approved. I was advised to apply for one as a cautionary measure. I may not need it, but it will be a back up - in case!

I also met with two independent financial advisors who were invaluable in helping me to understand my financial situation. I'm grateful for this affirmation, I consider it a grace from the Lord. My faith is not in my finances, but in the God of my finances. It's his money and I'm grateful that he is giving me these encouragements along the way. My money is not going to last forever, but for the present at least, I am determined to trust that he will provide all my needs (according to his riches in glory).

On Friday night, I was privileged to  attend Kira's elementary school's talent show. Kira performed a dance routine (What does the fox say?) with two of her friends. They were so cute and it was a treat to be there for her.

I spent all day Saturday inside. It was a long day, but there wasn't really much to do except work on a puzzle. There is still too much snow on the ground to be able to work outside.

Grace has been rehearsing all year with the Bucks County Youth Orchestra and they had a concert Sunday afternoon at the Delaware Valley University in Doylestown. I drove over for the performance and met Christy, Asher and Claire to enjoy the concert. 

 

 

Afterwards we had dinner at Panera's. 

I'm grateful for these opportunities to be with my family, to participate with them in their special moments.

I constantly need to learn and re-learn the lesson of waiting on the Lord. He has been gently whispering, reminding me that I am too concerned about feeling the need to know how long this is going to last. I'm in the middle of several things that are just not being resolved very quickly. This has to be ok...There's nothing I can do to hurry things along. Do I really trust God and His sovereignty? 

Then today in pastor's message, he gave an illustration of a man who said he determined that his life's verse should be Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Our waiting is important to God. He says it twice in this one verse. Waiting is an indication that we are trusting in Him to work things out. 

In fact, another verse that I discovered some time ago is Isaiah 64:4 which declares that God "acts on behalf of those who wait for him." My trying to work things out and even my anxiety if I can't make things happen, is really not trusting God. My working actually prevents Him from doing the work. In reality, He can do a much better job since he knows the end from the beginning, and all the little details that I might miss. 

Waiting on the Lord involves patient endurance. This trial has revealed to me that I am not a patient person. I want resolution. But I was convicted this week that I need to stay the course. This might take a long time, maybe years. But God who is faithful, will help me be faithful. God is the God of encouragement and will encourage me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and he will help me to persevere.  A friend shared with me 2 Thessalonians 3:3 & 5 ~ "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one...May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." This is a great comfort to me, because this is just too hard for me to do on my own.

And then I read in 90 Days of God's Goodness a quote by J.C. Ryle, where he says: "There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think, to wean us from the world, to send us to the Bible, to drive us to our knees."

I can't help but think of all that Jesus endured when he was here on earth, his passion and death on the cross. The gospels record how he didn't open his mouth against his accusers. He didn't resist his captors or retaliate. Peter in 1 Peter 2:21 says that we are called to suffer as Christ suffered. He was our example. He entrusted himself to God who judges justly. And how can we do less? My suffering is miniscule compared to what Christ suffered, but my heart is often consumed with fear, anxiety and complaints.

I had a free morning on Tuesday, so I picked up Kasey and brought her to the house for some girl time. She spends her days with her brother and 3 boy cousins, so Dawn and I have pity on her and are trying to provide at least one day a month for her to have a break from the boys. It was a nice day so we played on the swing set for a little while, then walked back to the pond to see if there was any water in it. There was a little since we had quite a bit of rain recently, enough for a couple of ducks to be splashing about.

Our neighbor has a huge area fenced in for a number of goats, so Kasey and I went over to look at them. They came over to see us, baaing as they came and butting up against the gate. All of a sudden, the gate opened and a goat escaped. I quickly leaned against the gate to prevent the others from getting out. As I tried to figure out what had happened, I realized that the clasp that had held the gate shut was rusted and had fallen to the ground. So now there is no way to close the gate.

Fortunately, I had my phone in my pocket and was able to text the woman who owns the goats about the situation. And again, fortunately, she was home and was able to come save me from the goats. It was a bit comical. In the middle of holding the gate shut against the goats, Kasey told me she was ready to go back to the house. I told her I was ready, too. But I had to persevere and wait for the owner of the goats to rescue me. 

So there are lots of opportunities to practice waiting and allowing others to bring relief to our dilemmas.  

When we got back to the house, we had a little more time for some play. Maybe Kasey will follow her other Grammy and her great grandpa by going into the medical field.
 

 

 

What a sweetie. I thoroughly enjoyed having her with me. There's nothing like a child to help you forget your troubles.

Another day's reading in 90 Days of God's Goodness referred to Joni Eareckson Tada. If anyone knows about suffering, she does. I love everything she writes. She says, "It is when your soul has been blasted bare, when you feel raw and undone, that you can be better bonded to the Savior. And then you not only meet suffering on God's terms, but you meet joy on God's terms. And then God...happily shares his gladness, his joy flooding over heaven's walls filling my heart in a waterfall of delight, which then in turn always streams out to others in a flood of encouragement, and then erupts back to God in an ecstatic fountain of praise. He gets your heart pumping for heaven. He injects his peace, power, and perspective into your spiritual being. He imparts a new way of looking at your hardships. He puts a song in your heart."  

Then at the end of that day's reading, Randy Alcorn prays for God's grace. "We need your grace today, this moment, to know that we are in your hands, that you will get us through. Thank you for your past grace poured out for us on the cross and your future grace that will be poured out to us in your eternal kingdom. Give us present grace, that we may sing your praises now."

It's all grace...every moment! In the here and now, as we wait on Him.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

As I read this verse this last week, the words “at the time” really struck me. Yes, when we are going through discipline, it is painful. It’s only later that we are at peace, and hopefully, experiencing the harvest of righteousness.

It was actually an aha moment for me. Right now in the middle of my pain, it certainly is not pleasant. But the verse includes a precious promise that the discipline is producing a good result.

It brought back the memory of losing our baby at birth. How utterly painful that experience was, and yet, at the same time, I sensed God’s comfort and nearness in a way I had not before. Even now, 42 years later, it’s a precious memory for me of the nearness of God to me at that time. In spite of the tremendous grief I went through, it produced in me much good fruit: empathy for others in similar circumstances, as well as a better knowledge and experience of God Himself.

When we left our church in Richland, Washington was another instance of unpleasantness. We left a loving church family and the beauty of living in the Pacific Northwest to coming back to New Jersey and essentially, starting over. I had no friends here, the highway systems made no sense to me, there was so much congestion, everything was so confusing and depressing. Again, this was not pleasant “at the time,” but God in his grace, taught me how utterly dependent I was on him. Now that I can look back through the years, I see many benefits and blessings that are part of my life now, that I would not be experiencing except for that difficult year in my life’s journey.

So I expect that someday I will be able to look back on what I’m going through now and see that the benefits far outweigh the painful discipline. But not now…”at this time,” this is not pleasant, but painful.

In spite of my pain, though, God graces me with unasked for blessings. I spent all day yesterday sleeping. When I woke up, I still felt very tired, so I went back to bed. This happened all day: I would wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep, wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep some more. I was in bed all day. I didn’t shower and get dressed, I didn’t eat, I just slept. I wondered if I was coming down with something, but this morning when I woke up, I felt fine. A little tired, but as the day wore on, I felt better and better.

Then the Lord reminded me that several days (or maybe weeks) ago, I had been thinking how tired I was. I wondered what it would feel like to sleep and sleep and sleep - no worries, just sleep till I wasn't tired any more. So I think yesterday was a gift from the Lord. How good he is to me.

Psalm 127:2 ~ "...For He grants sleep to those He loves."

I'm glad I felt better today because I wanted to attend the funeral of a lady who had been at Care One Harmony Village and a member of our church. I went to the office and produced the bulletin for the service, then was able to attend the funeral. The family had invited one of the workers from Care One to participate in the service by giving a "remembrance." He said some very kind words about this lady. I was struck with how, not only this one man, but all the staff at Care One, are so kind, caring and loving toward the residents. They treat the residents as special and really love them. What's striking to me is that the residents are only a shell of who they were, but that doesn't seem to matter to the staff. They treat them with dignity, honor and respect.

Another incident I observed is indicative of the entire staff at this facility. I arrived one evening to see an ambulance outside the door, with a gurney being rushed toward it and EMT's pumping on a man's chest as they propelled him into the ambulance. As I walked into the building, the receptionist was standing there with tears streaming down her face. She didn't just have wet eyes, she was crying. It takes a special gift to love people this way. I'm so grateful that Andy is getting this kind of care.

So yes, what I'm going through right now is painful, but there are also glimpses of goodness in the pain. And I have the promise that this pain will produce a good result...I will be more like Christ. Shouldn't that be the central goal of our life?

I want to look back on my life, as Paul did in 2 Timothy 4, to be able to say I have kept the faith, knowing a crown of righteousness awaits me. Randy Alcorn in his book, 90 Days of God's Goodness, says that "Paul's final words to Timothy reflect both his resolve and his tenderness. Suffering makes hearts tender and gives us greater love for others." 

I don't know that I can truthfully be thankful for the pain I'm going through "at this time," but I know in the end, I'll be grateful for what God has taught me through it all.

Tuesday was my birthday - the beginning of my last year in the 60's. My friends came through with lots of love and attention. I met two friends for lunch, then another friend took me out to dinner. Andy's brother very kindly bought a bouquet of flowers and a card, took them over to Andy and helped him sign the card.
 

On Valentine's Day a bouquet of roses showed up at my front door from another couple, thinking of me. So I have quite a collection of flowers and cards.

Meanwhile, not much has changed...which sometimes is a good thing.

I continue to read Randy Alcorn's book, Ninety Days of God's Goodness. Every day's reading is so comforting with good reminders of God's character and how we can trust Him with everything that we are going through. 

What I read today was titled: Too Small to See the Big Picture. The Scripture reading was from Isaiah 55:6-9 familiar verses where God tells us: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Randy asks: "Why should I, a finite and fallen creature, expect that I will understand God's reasons for doing what he does and allowing what he allows? If God always thought the way I do, something would be terribly wrong with him."

He continues in a later paragraph, "We tend to see God as a bigger, smarter version of ourselves...But God is not like us: 'God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind' (Numbers 23:19). God says, 'you thought I was altogether like you' (Psalm 50:21). Whatever seems good to us, we think, should be good to God. Whatever we think is fair, God should do...Yet we have neither the qualifications nor the authority to exercise such judgment. Not only does God's character infinitely surpass our own, but his thoughts and perspectives radically transcend ours."

And he concludes this section with the assertion that "we don't need explanations, we need 'God, who comforts the downcast' (2 Corinthians 7:6). God doesn't always explain why we suffer, yet millions of people attest to the comfort he has brought them in their darkest hours."

I say "amen" to that. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves, but when life is so hard, there is no one else to turn to but God. And he gives peace, life, comfort, the strength to go on, but the greatest gift of all: Himself.

Psalm 147:3 ~ "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 94:19 ~ "When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

Psalm 63:7-8 ~ "Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 62:1-2 ~ "My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

In the Sunday school class I've been attending, we've been encouraged to memorize one verse from each chapter of Hebrews. I've been enjoying that and the verses have been so precious as I review them before I fall asleep at night.

Hebrews 4:16 has been especially meaningful to me; "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say that verse, then I tell the Lord that I am there, I am in a time of great need. His mercy and grace are available to me, giving me the strength to go on. He never gets tired of me coming to him, but tells us we can approach him with confidence. He always hears me and delights to serve me by meeting my needs.  

How good is the God we adore! He is worthy of our love, adoration, praise and worship.

I never thought of it before but Fear is a Liar.  I heard Zach Williams sing that song and it got me thinking about how Satan is a liar, the father of lies and one of his greatest weapons is fear. But God is love, and perfect love drives out fear. 

1 John 4:16-18 ~ "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

How many times in His Word does God tell his children not to fear. Then He promises He will be with us, take care of our every need, make everything work out for our good, etc...so many promises that He loves us and will never leave us.

Yet when hard times come, we forget His promises and believe the lie and succumb to fear. So this song was a good reminder that I should not believe fear because fear is not from God. It's from the evil one.

Fear is a Liar

by Zach Williams

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

When he told you you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
'Cause fear he is a liar 
Songwriters: Jason Ingram / Zach Williams / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Fear Is a Liar lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

 

It was a pretty quiet week which is good once in a while. I had no appointments on Tuesday, just a quiet day doing laundry and a little cleaning. 

Christy came down last Sunday to see Andy at Care One. I met her there and we visited with him for about an hour. She decided she is able to do that every Sunday, and today she brought Christian and Claire, as well. Dawn met us today, too, and we had a nice time together. 

Andy is not doing well. He makes the effort to engage and join in the conversation when we're all together. But it's difficult to understand him when he "talks." And I'm sure he doesn't follow our conversation. He needs assistance in nearly everything he does, all daily living activities. He's confused and doesn't understand simple instructions. When I tell him he needs to wash his hands, I have to direct him to the sink, turn on the water, put his hands under the water, pump the soap in his hands, rub his hands together, rinse the soap off, turn the water off, then take the towel and dry his hands for him. 

"Activities of daily living (ADL) are routine activities that people tend to do every day without needing assistance. There are six basic ADLs: eating, dressing, toileting, transferring (walking) and continence."

It's distressing and depressing to see him like this. But he still recognizes me and tells me every day that he loves me. So there's the spark of good in this pain.

Our pastoral and office staff are currently reading through Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. In chapter 11, he refers to E. Stanley Jones, who was a Methodist missionary to India. When he was very old, he had a debilitating stroke that left him immobile and virtually speechless. But not faithless. "I need no outer props to hold up my faith," he wrote, "for my faith holds me." MacDonald gives five spiritual exercises that are of critical importance to help us to have Jones's perspective and endurance in hard times. They are: the pursuit of silence and solitude; singing; regularly listening to God; the experience of reflection and meditation; and prayer as worship and intercession.

I resonated with all of those, but was especially encouraged with his including singing. My voice isn't what it used to be, but music still has an important place in my life. It has a way of ministering to my inner most being.

Another song that has meant a lot to me is No Longer Slaves. I'm a child of God, surrounded by the arms of the Father, He drowns my fears in perfect love. If God can split the sea so the Israelites could walk right through it, shouldn't He be able to take care of my needs, too? 

Psalm 34:4 ~ "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."