In my mind, my identity is: I'm Mrs. Wallin, wife of Andy. This is a fact that is part of who I am. I married Andy 43 years ago, and I will never again be a "senorita" or a "miss." But it is also a fact that, in a sense, everything has changed. I no longer relate to Andy the way I did for so many years. I don't have the relationship, companionship, interaction with him, the give and take, the private jokes we enjoyed, the shoulder I cried on, the encouragement he was always so ready to give. Andy was my #1 fan. I never questioned his love for me. These losses are very real to me.
This also applies to our baby boy who was stillborn. I am and always will be the mother of 4 children, although I only raised 3 of them.
I guess part of establishing a new identity is coming to grips that now I am making decisions on my own. I no longer have a life partner to turn to for wisdom and advice. This is really hard for me to get used to because I came to value Andy's wisdom. He took his time to think through the issues from all angles before making a decision. I often admired that in him because I tend to be a lot quicker and more prone to making snap judgments before having all the facts.
Andy seems to be doing a little better in the last week or so. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Did I have him admitted to the care facility too soon? But I've been assured by friends and the care givers at the facility that he is doing better because he is getting 24 hours of professional care. It seems to be a tendency for dementia residents to improve when they are first admitted, before they decline again. When I asked the care givers a couple of days ago if Andy was still getting up and down at night, they answered in the affirmative. Ok, this was a confirmation that, yes, he is in the right place.
We had a couple of conversations in the last few days that made a little sense. He told me at one point, that he felt he was in a good place, that he was getting good care. He also asked me if I was adjusting to being at home by myself. These are amazing things for him to think about and communicate to me. Granted, his sentences weren't necessarily cohesive, but they were lucid enough for me to understand what he meant.
On the other hand, at one point, a couple of days ago, he asked me how I was making out with the electrical classes I was taking??? I told him I wasn't taking any classes, but he kept insisting that either I was or that it would be good for me to follow through. So I finally just nodded and smiled and told him I was doing ok with it. That satisfied him.
We've had a number of rainy days recently. Thankfully, it's been rain and not snow! But Saturday's forecast called for just cloudiness. So I asked Dawn to join me for a hike at Long Bridge Park with the kids. That was a lot of fun for me. Kira and Kasey were having a good time, skipping down the trail. Kira found a map of the park and looked official and like she knew where she was going.
It was cloudy - gray and gloomy, but that didn't matter. We had a great time.
Kasey eventually got tired but she did really well for most of the hike. Unfortunately for me, the end of the hike was up hill...quite a workout for me with 30 pounds on my back!
A friend gave me a beautiful wall hanging for Christmas. I hung it in my bedroom so that I see it every morning "when I rise."
Then this past week when I was listening to Pandora at work, I heard a group, Acappella, singing Give me Jesus. I love their version with close harmonies and beautiful verses. So I bought the song from itunes and now I listen to that every morning as I start my day.
"I am the One who helps you, declares the Lord"...Isaiah 41:14
Spurgeon expounds on this verse in Morning and Evening. "It is but a small thing for Me, your God, to help you. Consider what I have done already. What! Not help you? Why, I bought you with My blood. What! Not help you? I have died for you; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less? Help you! It is the least thing I will ever do for you; I have done more, and will do more....you require little compared with what I am ready to give. It is much for you to need, but it is nothing for me to bestow. Help you? Fear not!
"Do you need more strength than the omnipotence of the united Trinity? Do you want more wisdom than exists in the Father, more love than displays itself in the Son, or more power than is manifest in the influences of the Spirit?" Bring here your empty pitcher! Surely this well will fill it. Hurry, gather up your wants and bring them here -- your emptiness, your woes, your needs. Behold, this river of God is full for your supply; what else can you desire? Go forth, my soul, in this your might. The Eternal God is your helper!"
"So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, what can man do to me'?" (Hebrews 13:6)
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