God gave us a very happy, fulfilled relationship that we shared together. I remember telling him while we were still dating that he was too good to be true. I couldn't have picked out a better, more loving man to share my life with. (I didn't really pick him...Andy saw me first and pursued me - I used to love hearing him tell that story.)
Not every moment was fun or happy, but we made our memories along the way. After our wedding, Andy finished his senior year at college, then we moved out west to Portland, Oregon for him to attend seminary.
Those were some of the hardest years! Andy worked several part time jobs while he attended seminary. I worked full time until two months before the birth of our first child. Then we struggled through the grief of losing that baby. He was still born after being three weeks late.
Because I had quit my job to have the baby, we were reduced to living on Andy's part time salary. Those were very lean times. We were struggling in so many areas, emotionally and financially. But God gave us the grace to make it through. We learned by experience through God's Word, His people and His indwelling presence how good he is and how he sustains us through difficulty.
After seminary we moved back to NJ while trying to determine what would be our next step. We were in, what we thought was, limbo for 18 months, but Andy was gaining experience in construction while were waiting.
Then we got a call from a former seminary classmate and friend: would Andy consider joining him in the ministry in Richland, Washington? By now we had two little girls so there was a lot to consider in a move of this magnitude. But we felt God's leading so off we went.
After being in Richland only three years, the senior pastor who asked Andy to join him, suddenly left for another pastorate in another state. Through a series of circumstances, Andy went from Associate Pastor to Senior Pastor. Although we felt honored by the confidence the congregation had in us, the position came with a lot more than what we could have known.
We made and continue to enjoy many wonderful friends from that church. But at the same time we were making wonderful memories, Andy was working through some incredibly difficult counseling situations. Two women with young families attempted suicide. Another woman was being physically abused and when Andy advised her to leave that situation, the man came looking for Andy with a knife, intending harm. Another man wanted help to leave a homosexual relationship. It was overwhelming and Andy felt he couldn't handle all this on his own. At that point, he was the only pastor on staff. So he not only had all this intense counseling, he was also studying and preaching every week. He finally made the decision to leave the ministry.
When he confided in me his struggle, of course, I supported him, but it was devastating to me. I had wonderful friends and felt so fulfilled in ministry there. I wanted to stay there forever. I certainly didn't want to move back to NJ. But I did feel it was important for our children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
For a year and a half, we had to live with Andy's parents (they were gracious to open their home to us) while we tried to make ends meet. Those were more lean years because we actually had to pay money when we sold our house in Richland. Because of the economy at the time, we had made absolutely no equity in the 5 years we had owned it.
God graciously provided a job for Andy in construction when we returned to Jersey. He was gaining in experience and started doing side jobs to earn extra money for his growing family.
In reading back over what I've just written, I'm not sure I've communicated that we have a lot of "good" memories. But part of what makes our memories good is if we can see the hand of God directing our steps and meeting our needs in whatever our circumstances are.
This is our story, part of the larger story that is God's. He has been faithful all along the way. There is nothing to complain about or regret.
One of the evenings this past week when I visited Andy, he looked at me and asked if I would marry him. I told him I would. He seemed so excited and happy. Then I told him we were already married. He couldn't believe it.
People ask me how I'm doing. Well, I think on the whole, I'm doing very well. There is a new way I'm living now. I'm getting used to living by myself, by going out every evening to visit Andy, going to bed by myself, making my own decisions, trying to keep myself busy.
I have felt constrained that I need to have a project. Although I have always enjoyed solitude and quiet, now I have maybe too much of it. So in looking around the house, what can I do? It's not like I need to have deep cleaning projects. How dirty does the house get with just me living here? And if I cook and bake, who is going to eat all that food?
I believe God placed it in my head to organize our books. We have three bookshelves in our house, as well as books in the basement. If I want to find a certain book I think we have, I spend way too much time looking through every book until I find it. So I am making up a spread sheet to list every title with author, genre and location in the house.
I've made it though all three bookshelves and started on the basement books. So far, I've cataloged over 700 books.This total is after I've already offered a college student his pick of as many books as he wanted and our daughters also went through and helped themselves. I'm debating on whether I should try to sell some of Andy's Bible study helps and commentaries. Some of those he's had from his seminary days. It's a difficult thing for me to think about but I may just have to put my nostalgia aside for practicality. It's probably better to take care of them now that for them to end up in a dumpster when I'm no longer able to make an intelligent decision about them.
I continue to do lots of reading. I'm currently reading through three devotional books every day: The Valley of Vision (Puritan prayers), Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray and Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon. I'm also reading through the Bible in a year.
I just finished Slow Dancing with a Stranger by Meryl Comer. I just happened across this title and was intrigued. In checking it out, I discovered that it's the author's experience of caregiving to her husband who had Alzheimer's. She cared for him for 20 years at home. What a story. He had bouts of anger and could be violent and aggressive at times. So her experience is different from mine. It is also different in that she is not writing from a Christian perspective. This is what I miss in all the secular writings, support groups and organizations that offer help. Although I appreciate the compassion and understanding for us in our circumstance, I want more. I need to be reassured that God is aware of what I'm going through and sympathetic to my situation and available to meet my need.
I am well aware that I am weak and needy. I can't do this on my own. It's only by the grace of God giving strength to the weary and increasing the power of the weak that enables me to soar on wings like the eagles. (Isaiah 40:29-31) His grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in weakness (and he has a lot of weakness to work with in me!). (2 Corinthians 12:9)
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