Mercy outruns malice.

Think about that. Jesus told Peter that Satan had asked to sift him, but Jesus had prayed for him that his faith would not fail. Isn't that a comfort to think that no matter what trials we face, Jesus is praying for us that our faith will not fail? He understands what we're going through, grieves with us and prays that we will not be overwhelmed or give in to despair. Since he is perfect, he is in the perfect position to know how to pray intelligently for us. His desire is for our growth and God's glory.

I'm also encouraged that Satan had to ask permission to sift Peter. So anything that happens to me is only by God's permission. He has a reason for allowing anything to come our way. In Peter's case, he was allowed to be tested in order that he might strengthen his brothers. And he did become quite bold in his proclamation of the gospel.

We don't always know the reason for our own trials except what Scripture tells us. For instance, James 1 says that our trials are for teaching us perseverance. And perseverance develops maturity in us. Even though trials are difficult, who in reality wants to remain a child? We need to grow up in our faith, and there's nothing like an impossible situation to teach us dependence on the One who is stronger than we are. When we are forced to lean not on our own understanding, we realize how beautiful is the grace and mercy of God that enables us to endure.

In my own case, if it hadn't been for the difficult trials I have and am facing, I would tend to live in "la-la land." I wouldn't be able to empathize with others who are going through hard times. My bent tends toward minimizing pain and hardship..."oh, it's not so bad." But dealing with the death of a child and a husband suffering with Alzheimer's - well, how can I minimize those?  At the same time, I realize that as long as we live on this earth, everyone has their own set of issues that are hard to deal with. 

I am so amazed, although I shouldn't be when I consider the kindness of our Lord, at how he responds to me when I am a mess of worry. He sympathizes with my pain and always meets me in my need. My thoughts were beginning to wander to the dark side the other day, grieving because of my new status of virtual singleness and feeling inadequate to this new role; specifically, how am I going to meet all my financial needs. There are sure to be many needs that I don't even foresee, etc. But instead of chastising me for my lack of trust in God meeting my needs, he sent me a reminder that he will in fact take care of me. I was sitting at my desk at work when a dear woman came in and handed me a card, telling me she and her husband were praying for me and wanted to give me a "small" gift. When I opened the card, there were not only encouraging words, but also a check for $1,000. 

What a good God he is to me. I certainly don't deserve such kindness, but I'm grateful. This past Tuesday's verse of the day was 2 Timothy 1:9 - "He has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time..."

There's comfort in knowing that God had my story planned out even before the creation of the world. And he knows how it's all going to end. It's faulty thinking to suppose I would like to know the ending, that I would be more at peace. Living by faith is pleasing to God. If I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't need to depend on God. And dependence is what honors and glorifies God. 

I've had some interaction with Dawn and her family this past week. We got a good snow storm last Saturday.

We got a good amount of snow so Tommy came over to clear the driveway for me and brought the girls along. 

Kira stayed outside the whole time helping Tommy with shoveling. Kasey stayed in the house with me. She's very entertaining.

  
I met Dawn on Tuesday morning at Care One to visit Andy. She brought the kids along. Don't you just love Kasey's girly outfit?
 

And yesterday morning, they came over again to help me take down the Christmas tree. Tommy also gave me some suggestions on which of Andy's books he thought would sell well. I'm still working on organizing our books - what a job. But I think I'm getting closer to the finish line on this one. I now have every book catalogued, just need to decide which shelf they'll end up on.  

I have a lot of loose ends to tie up right now. I'm trying to commit my way to the Lord and just do the next thing, but my list is overwhelming. I think I'll be able to start checking things off this week so hopefully, by the end of this next week, I'll be a little bit less stressed.

I keep telling myself I'm "care free in the care of God." That's my new theme song!

I am very much enjoying Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotional readings. I was really ministered to this morning by what he wrote.

His text was from 2 Samuel 7:25 where David reminds God to do as he had promised. Spurgeon uses this text to remind us that "God's promises were never meant to be thrown aside as wastepaper; He intended that they should be used. God's gold is not miser's money but is minted to be traded with. Nothing pleases our Lord better than to see His promises put in circulation; He loves to see His children bring them up to Him and say, 'Lord, do as you have said.' We glorify God when we plead His promises."

Spurgeon is often referred to as "the prince of preachers." He was gifted in the way he crafted words and word pictures. He says: "Our heavenly Banker delights to cash His own notes. Never let the promise rust. Draw the word of promise out of its sheath and use it with holy violence."

He encourages his readers that God "loves to hear the loud outcries of needy souls. It is His delight to bestow favors. He is more ready to hear than you are to ask. The sun is not weary of shining, nor the fountain of flowing. It is God's nature to keep His promises; therefore go at once to the throne with, 'Do as You have said'."

So I'm going to arm myself this week with the promise of God's sufficiency for my every need, including His presence, strength and wisdom to accomplish all the items on my overwhelming list.

Andy and I just passed our 43rd anniversary. I posted our wedding picture on facebook, risking crying every time I looked at it. However, I had an ulterior motive for posting it. I determined that I would focus on all the good times we had in our 43 years together. Yes, there were some tearful moments, but I also had lots of good, happy memories I could dwell on.

God gave us a very happy, fulfilled relationship that we shared together. I remember telling him while we were still dating that he was too good to be true. I couldn't have picked out a better, more loving man to share my life with. (I didn't really pick him...Andy saw me first and pursued me - I used to love hearing him tell that story.)

Not every moment was fun or happy, but we made our memories along the way. After our wedding, Andy finished his senior year at college, then we moved out west to Portland, Oregon for him to attend seminary.

Those were some of the hardest years! Andy worked several part time jobs while he attended seminary. I worked full time until two months before the birth of our first child. Then we struggled through the grief of losing that baby. He was still born after being three weeks late. 

Because I had quit my job to have the baby, we were reduced to living on Andy's part time salary. Those were very lean times. We were struggling in so many areas, emotionally and financially. But God gave us the grace to make it through. We learned by experience through God's Word, His people and His indwelling presence how good he is and how he sustains us through difficulty.

After seminary we moved back to NJ while trying to determine what would be our next step. We were in, what we thought was, limbo for 18 months, but Andy was gaining experience in construction while were waiting.

Then we got a call from a former seminary classmate and friend: would Andy consider joining him in the ministry in Richland, Washington? By now we had two little girls so there was a lot to consider in a move of this magnitude. But we felt God's leading so off we went. 

After being in Richland only three years, the senior pastor who asked Andy to join him, suddenly left for another pastorate in another state. Through a series of circumstances, Andy went from Associate Pastor to Senior Pastor. Although we felt honored by the confidence the congregation had in us, the position came with a lot more than what we could have known. 

 
We made and continue to enjoy many wonderful friends from that church. But at the same time we were making wonderful memories, Andy was working through some incredibly difficult counseling situations. Two women with young families attempted suicide. Another woman was being physically abused and when Andy advised her to leave that situation, the man came looking for Andy with a knife, intending harm. Another man wanted help to leave a homosexual relationship. It was overwhelming and Andy felt he couldn't handle all this on his own. At that point, he was the only pastor on staff. So he not only had all this intense counseling, he was also studying and preaching every week. He finally made the decision to leave the ministry. 

When he confided in me his struggle, of course, I supported him, but it was devastating to me. I had wonderful friends and felt so fulfilled in ministry there. I wanted to stay there forever. I certainly didn't want to move back to NJ. But I did feel it was important for our children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

For a year and a half, we had to live with Andy's parents (they were gracious to open their home to us) while we tried to make ends meet. Those were more lean years because we actually had to pay money when we sold our house in Richland. Because of the economy at the time, we had made absolutely no equity in the 5 years we had owned it.

God graciously provided a job for Andy in construction when we returned to Jersey. He was gaining in experience and started doing side jobs to earn extra money for his growing family.

In reading back over what I've just written, I'm not sure I've communicated that we have a lot of "good" memories. But part of what makes our memories good is if we can see the hand of God directing our steps and meeting our needs in whatever our circumstances are. 

This is our story, part of the larger story that is God's. He has been faithful all along the way. There is nothing to complain about or regret. 

One of the evenings this past week when I visited Andy, he looked at me and asked if I would marry him. I told him I would. He seemed so excited and happy. Then I told him we were already married. He couldn't believe it.

People ask me how I'm doing. Well, I think on the whole, I'm doing very well. There is a new way I'm living now. I'm getting used to living by myself, by going out every evening to visit Andy, going to bed by myself, making my own decisions, trying to keep myself busy.

I have felt constrained that I need to have a project. Although I have always enjoyed solitude and quiet, now I have maybe too much of it. So in looking around the house, what can I do? It's not like I need to have deep cleaning projects. How dirty does the house get with just me living here? And if I cook and bake, who is going to eat all that food?

I believe God placed it in my head to organize our books. We have three bookshelves in our house, as well as books in the basement. If I want to find a certain book I think we have, I spend way too much time looking through every book until I find it. So I am making up a spread sheet to list every title with author, genre and location in the house. 

I've made it though all three bookshelves and started on the basement books. So far, I've cataloged over 700 books.This total is after I've already offered a college student his pick of as many books as he wanted and our daughters also went through and helped themselves. I'm debating on whether I should try to sell some of Andy's Bible study helps and commentaries. Some of those he's had from his seminary days. It's a difficult thing for me to think about but I may just have to put my nostalgia aside for practicality. It's probably better to take care of them now that for them to end up in a dumpster when I'm no longer able to make an intelligent decision about them.

I continue to do lots of reading. I'm currently reading through three devotional books every day: The Valley of Vision (Puritan prayers), Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray and Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon. I'm also reading through the Bible in a year. 

I just finished Slow Dancing with a Stranger by Meryl Comer. I just happened across this title and was intrigued. In checking it out, I discovered that it's the author's experience of caregiving to her husband who had Alzheimer's. She cared for him for 20 years at home. What a story. He had bouts of anger and could be violent and aggressive at times. So her experience is different from mine. It is also different in that she is not writing from a Christian perspective. This is what I miss in all the secular writings, support groups and organizations that offer help. Although I appreciate the compassion and understanding for us in our circumstance, I want more. I need to be reassured that God is aware of what I'm going through and sympathetic to my situation and available to meet my need.

I am well aware that I am weak and needy. I can't do this on my own. It's only by the grace of God giving strength to the weary and increasing the power of the weak that enables me to soar on wings like the eagles. (Isaiah 40:29-31) His grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in weakness (and he has a lot of weakness to work with in me!). (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The holidays are over but we had fun while it lasted. God graciously surrounded me with family who helped keep the spirits up. We had our family Christmas gathering yesterday, Saturday, New Year's Eve. We kept the tradition of several years now by having a brunch menu, although this year we ate at noon. We had been wondering if Naomi would be able to be with us since she hadn't been home from the hospital for very long. But she is finally on the mend, thanks to the Great Physician!

The Wallin family invasion began around 11:00 and by the time all three families were here, there were 7 adults and 11 children. I'm so grateful that we can all fit around one loooooong table. And there was plenty of food for all, even enough left overs to provide for nibbling throughout the afternoon.

After eating, it was time for opening our gifts. Someone suggested we go from oldest to youngest. I was so impressed how patient those littlest ones were. They held on to their presents but did not open them until it was their turn.

Claire loves the frilly, sparkly dresses. I found this one for a very good bargain.

And Amy made her the fairy wings which she wore the rest of the day.

After the gifts,the adults hung around and the kids played while Cole took his nap. 

Then we all went over to Care One for another Wallin family invasion. Those poor people probably wondered what in the world was going on when we all started streaming in the doors. But the children were well behaved and we entertained the residents and family members who were in the lobby. Grace played a very difficult piece on her violin ...what a treat. If you would like a sample of how she did, you can click here.

 
 Then the other kids wanted to exhibit, as well.

Andy seemed to enjoy the show and having us all there. I was a little concerned that we might wear him out being there are so many of us. But he loves his family.

Speaking of family, I've been making an effort to get to know some of the other residents and their family members where they visit. It has been striking to me that we're somewhat unusual in that there are so many of us. A couple other families have told me they have one grandchild, another family has none. Two couples I've met whose spouses are residents with memory loss, have told me he has 1 child, she has 2. So apparently, there are blended families, his and hers families. 

God has chosen to bless us with family. And this is a blessing I am extremely grateful for. 

Last week I mentioned that my wallet was "stolen." Two days ago, after I left Care One, I received a call that someone had turned in my wallet to the front desk. So I went back to get it. As it turned out, one of the residents had taken it and her husband found it a couple days later. He turned it in. Actually, having one of the Care One residents take the wallet was the best case scenario since they can't go anywhere to charge purchases. All my cards and cash were intact. Nothing had been touched. Of course, I had already canceled all my credit cards and even gotten a new driver's license because I didn't know what had happened to the wallet. Well, this is a lesson learned: do not assume you can leave your purse in Andy's room unattended. 

A friend from church graciously gave me 7 meals she had prepared. She fixed them ahead for her family, then set aside a single serving for me that she froze. Actually, they are more than a single serving. So far, I've been able to get 2 meals out of each that she's given. How generous and kind of her.

People continue to tell me they're praying for me. I'm very grateful because everyone says the holidays are difficult when there's a change in the family dynamic. December was hard because of getting used to the new routine. Andy is no longer home. And he wasn't with us at our Christmas brunch and gift openings. But maybe this is where it helps to have such a large family. Of course, no one can take his place, but his legacy lives on in his children and grandchildren. I didn't experience the depths of despair or even twinges of guilt. I am so grateful that he is getting good care. 

A couple of nights ago, while I was with Andy, he was finishing up his dinner, when he told the caregiver that he was doing a good job. He chuckled, but I seconded Andy's comment and thanked the young man for taking such good care of Andy. I asked him if he enjoyed his job. And he affirmed that he did. It takes a special gift to care for people who can't care for themselves. I know my gifts don't lie in that area, but I'm thankful for others who do have those gifts.

This is the beginning of a new year. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. Whatever comes our way is what the Sovereign Lord has determined. And those plans are "to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) And that hope has a name: it's Jesus. "Christ in you, the HOPE of glory" (Colossians 1:27).

Christ is Enough
Christ is enough for me

Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

Christ my all in all
The joy of my salvation
And this hope will never fail
Heaven is our home

Songwriters: Jonas Myrin / Reuben Morgan

Christ Is Enough lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

"On Christmas day, Jesus came to the earth in the likeness of a man, that we might be conformed into the likeness of God." (Daily in His Presence, Andrew Murray)

It's an amazing truth that Jesus came into the world to save sinners. He created us knowing that we would reject him, and knowing that he would give himself to rescue us, redeem us back to himself. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.

"Grace cataracts from heaven and flows for ever, and mercy never wearies in bestowing benefits." (Valley of Vision, page 149)

 
Grace, grace, God's grace. Do we really understand how dependent we are on God's grace? I don't think so. Our finite minds cannot wrap around this concept. 

I read in one of Paul  Tripp's books (and I don't remember now which one) where he said that our trials are evidence of God's extending grace to us. I had a hard time understanding that when I read it. How can a trial be anything but bad and something to be avoided or fixed? But in pondering that thought ever since, little by little I'm coming to terms with the idea. Because until we recognize how broken and hurting we are and how deep our need, we don't experience the grace of God sustaining and enabling us to endure. When we are in the deepest pit of despair, even there God is deeper still (Psalm 139:8). We experience his comfort and love...he gives us himself and all of the resources at his disposal (which are infinite and unending).

It was another week to trust in God's plan for me/us.

One of our granddaughters had to have an appendectomy earlier in the week. She was pretty ill and even after surgery, did not make a quick recovery. It was disappointing to me that I couldn't go visit her, but I had to be content that "it is what it is." Thankfully, there's instagram and texting to help keep us connected to each other.

I had a sinking feeling on Thursday when I went to pay for an order I was placing and discovered my wallet was not in my purse. Yikes! I immediately left the store, went home, looked everywhere, although I knew it wasn't at the house. That gave me something to do the rest of the evening. I called all the credit card companies to cancel them and then our medical insurance companies to request duplicate id cards. The unfortunate thing is that I also had all of Andy's medical id cards in my wallet, plus his driver's license. I called the township police to report the stolen wallet, because now I'm concerned about identity theft. I wracked my brain to try to figure out how this might have happened. I may never know the answer to this since I didn't witness it happening. Well, another opportunity to trust God...right?

Tuesday morning, Dawn called me to say she was going to visit Andy with the kids and did I want to join her there? I was able to and enjoyed spending time with her and the kids at Care One. All the residents enjoy the children when they visit. 

Andy's hair! It's obvious he's not combing it himself and the care givers don't know how it needs to be done.


I love the exuberance of the children. It doesn't bother them that these people are old and their brains aren't working normally. This is an adventure to them - like playing in Poppop's closet.

 Dawn and her family visited Andy this morning (Christmas day).

Then this afternoon, Amy and her family came down to spend some time with me. We had lunch together, then sat and visited for a little while before heading on over to see Andy. The ice cream parlor is a big hit with the children. I think more than children had been indulging today, though, because by the time we got to it, we were scraping the bottom of the barrel in order to come up with enough for three cones.

  

 
These pictures are bittersweet to me. I love that my kids and grandkids are still eager to visit with their dad and Poppop, but looking at Andy makes me so sad. He just doesn't look like I want to remember him. I confess that I get teary-eyed on my drive home after these visits.

But we do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Our church's theme phrase this December was "Hope has come." And it has. Because of Jesus' birth and death, we have this sure hope that one day all of our heart aches and sorrows will be over. We will live happily ever after with our dear Savior who will wipe away all our tears. What a day that will be. Meanwhile, though, he has called us to "not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

"Carefree in the care of God."

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

How I constantly need to be reminded of these truths.

I met on Tuesday with my elder law attorney and our financial agent to discuss my financial future. They both assured me there was enough to provide for Andy's care as well as my own. I came away from the meeting relieved and praising God for Andy's foresight and provision for me/us.

You would think my fears would be silenced and I would rest in the providence of God. But no...as the week wore on, I started entertaining "what if" scenarios. Fortunately, God came to my rescue as he always does. 

He had several people call me to interact with me on what I was thinking/feeling - speaking truth into me. I've also been reading Nothing Is Impossible With God by Rose Marie Miller, recommended by a friend. 

 
This author has been through a lot but in the process, her faith has grown and through her writing, she gives credence to the goodness of God in spite of the difficulties we endure. She quotes Alister McGrath in his book, Why Does God Allow Suffering?

"Suffering serves a vital spiritual function. It reminds us of our mortality, preventing us from entertaining delusions about our nature and our future...The great prize which is set before us is none other than a relationship with God himself. But our vision is so distorted by sin that we see nothing but the lesser prizes around us. We are called by God to find our rest in him. But our hearing is so dulled that we hear only the voices of the world and its transient goals. We settle for the shadows of the grand delights for which we were created."

Those thoughts were reinforced as I read in Randy Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. He reminds us that God is a lavish giver. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) Alcorn expounds on this verse by stating: "The God who gave us his Son delights to graciously give us 'all things.' These 'things' are in addition to Christ, but they are never instead of him - they come 'along with him.' If we didn't have Christ, we would have nothing. But because we have Christ, we have everything."


I was trying to understand why I am having such a hard time trusting that God is going to provide for my every need. Maybe because this is so new to me. I've had 43 years of not having the final responsibility. Andy was always the one who calmed my fears and was able to convince me that things would be ok, and I believed him. It was his responsibility and out of my hands. It feels different now. I can't talk this over with Andy. The buck stops with me. Or does it??? No, the reality is that now I have a new husband, God Himself. And he is even more to be trusted than Andy was. He knows the end from the beginning. This is all in His plan and He can be trusted. This is another opportunity to preach the gospel...to tell the world that Christ is enough. I can be satisfied in Him, no matter what's happening around me or what I'm going through.

Another example of the grace of God at work in me is how I'm adapting to Andy being in the "nursing home." When Andy and I first became involved in ministry, I told Andy I just couldn't accompany him when he made hospital visits. Walking into a hospital made me feel faint...I just couldn't do it. The smell made me nauseous, the sight of blood made me feel queasy. How ironic it was that Andy himself was in the hospital numerous times with a concussion, in traction, with a parasite that attacked his white blood cells, etc. (I can't even begin to count the number of times he was hospitalized in our married life!)

I have been visiting Andy every evening at Care One - right around the dinner hour. I am getting to know the other residents, as well as the care givers. It is amazing to watch Andy as he interacts with the people. It's like he's gained a whole new congregation. I have walked in on him a number of evenings and found him on his knees beside another resident, with his hand on the arm of a man in a recliner, comforting him. Or as we talk to another resident, a lady in a wheelchair comes up to us, and he pats her on the head. He sits next to another man at dinner time and the two of them carry on a conversation that only the two of them understand. Another lady told me that Andy is so kind and gentle.

This is beautiful to watch and I am grateful for this experience. It's obvious that Andy's ministry is not over. He has been placed in this situation for a purpose and for a time. The Spirit of God is shining through him even in his illness.

A lady at church this morning told me that early on in Andy's illness, Andy had told her husband that he wanted to finish strong. I would say God is honoring that desire.

Sparrows

Jason Gray

You can't add a single day by worrying
You'll worry your life away
Oh don't worry your life away
You can't change a single thing by freaking out
It's just gonna close you in
Oh don't let the trouble win

You may feel alone
But you're not on your own

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

Lean in and it's hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it

Carefree in the care of God
 

When you let it go
You'll find that He's enough
Oh you never leave His love

You don't walk alone

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

There's not a single star that's out of place
There's nothing broken He can't remake
If you long for hope when you're afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Even the sparrow knows

He holds tomorrow

Songwriters: Mia Fieldes / Jason Gray / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Sparrows lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Music Services, Inc