Andy and I just passed our 43rd anniversary. I posted our wedding picture on facebook, risking crying every time I looked at it. However, I had an ulterior motive for posting it. I determined that I would focus on all the good times we had in our 43 years together. Yes, there were some tearful moments, but I also had lots of good, happy memories I could dwell on.

God gave us a very happy, fulfilled relationship that we shared together. I remember telling him while we were still dating that he was too good to be true. I couldn't have picked out a better, more loving man to share my life with. (I didn't really pick him...Andy saw me first and pursued me - I used to love hearing him tell that story.)

Not every moment was fun or happy, but we made our memories along the way. After our wedding, Andy finished his senior year at college, then we moved out west to Portland, Oregon for him to attend seminary.

Those were some of the hardest years! Andy worked several part time jobs while he attended seminary. I worked full time until two months before the birth of our first child. Then we struggled through the grief of losing that baby. He was still born after being three weeks late. 

Because I had quit my job to have the baby, we were reduced to living on Andy's part time salary. Those were very lean times. We were struggling in so many areas, emotionally and financially. But God gave us the grace to make it through. We learned by experience through God's Word, His people and His indwelling presence how good he is and how he sustains us through difficulty.

After seminary we moved back to NJ while trying to determine what would be our next step. We were in, what we thought was, limbo for 18 months, but Andy was gaining experience in construction while were waiting.

Then we got a call from a former seminary classmate and friend: would Andy consider joining him in the ministry in Richland, Washington? By now we had two little girls so there was a lot to consider in a move of this magnitude. But we felt God's leading so off we went. 

After being in Richland only three years, the senior pastor who asked Andy to join him, suddenly left for another pastorate in another state. Through a series of circumstances, Andy went from Associate Pastor to Senior Pastor. Although we felt honored by the confidence the congregation had in us, the position came with a lot more than what we could have known. 

 
We made and continue to enjoy many wonderful friends from that church. But at the same time we were making wonderful memories, Andy was working through some incredibly difficult counseling situations. Two women with young families attempted suicide. Another woman was being physically abused and when Andy advised her to leave that situation, the man came looking for Andy with a knife, intending harm. Another man wanted help to leave a homosexual relationship. It was overwhelming and Andy felt he couldn't handle all this on his own. At that point, he was the only pastor on staff. So he not only had all this intense counseling, he was also studying and preaching every week. He finally made the decision to leave the ministry. 

When he confided in me his struggle, of course, I supported him, but it was devastating to me. I had wonderful friends and felt so fulfilled in ministry there. I wanted to stay there forever. I certainly didn't want to move back to NJ. But I did feel it was important for our children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

For a year and a half, we had to live with Andy's parents (they were gracious to open their home to us) while we tried to make ends meet. Those were more lean years because we actually had to pay money when we sold our house in Richland. Because of the economy at the time, we had made absolutely no equity in the 5 years we had owned it.

God graciously provided a job for Andy in construction when we returned to Jersey. He was gaining in experience and started doing side jobs to earn extra money for his growing family.

In reading back over what I've just written, I'm not sure I've communicated that we have a lot of "good" memories. But part of what makes our memories good is if we can see the hand of God directing our steps and meeting our needs in whatever our circumstances are. 

This is our story, part of the larger story that is God's. He has been faithful all along the way. There is nothing to complain about or regret. 

One of the evenings this past week when I visited Andy, he looked at me and asked if I would marry him. I told him I would. He seemed so excited and happy. Then I told him we were already married. He couldn't believe it.

People ask me how I'm doing. Well, I think on the whole, I'm doing very well. There is a new way I'm living now. I'm getting used to living by myself, by going out every evening to visit Andy, going to bed by myself, making my own decisions, trying to keep myself busy.

I have felt constrained that I need to have a project. Although I have always enjoyed solitude and quiet, now I have maybe too much of it. So in looking around the house, what can I do? It's not like I need to have deep cleaning projects. How dirty does the house get with just me living here? And if I cook and bake, who is going to eat all that food?

I believe God placed it in my head to organize our books. We have three bookshelves in our house, as well as books in the basement. If I want to find a certain book I think we have, I spend way too much time looking through every book until I find it. So I am making up a spread sheet to list every title with author, genre and location in the house. 

I've made it though all three bookshelves and started on the basement books. So far, I've cataloged over 700 books.This total is after I've already offered a college student his pick of as many books as he wanted and our daughters also went through and helped themselves. I'm debating on whether I should try to sell some of Andy's Bible study helps and commentaries. Some of those he's had from his seminary days. It's a difficult thing for me to think about but I may just have to put my nostalgia aside for practicality. It's probably better to take care of them now that for them to end up in a dumpster when I'm no longer able to make an intelligent decision about them.

I continue to do lots of reading. I'm currently reading through three devotional books every day: The Valley of Vision (Puritan prayers), Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray and Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon. I'm also reading through the Bible in a year. 

I just finished Slow Dancing with a Stranger by Meryl Comer. I just happened across this title and was intrigued. In checking it out, I discovered that it's the author's experience of caregiving to her husband who had Alzheimer's. She cared for him for 20 years at home. What a story. He had bouts of anger and could be violent and aggressive at times. So her experience is different from mine. It is also different in that she is not writing from a Christian perspective. This is what I miss in all the secular writings, support groups and organizations that offer help. Although I appreciate the compassion and understanding for us in our circumstance, I want more. I need to be reassured that God is aware of what I'm going through and sympathetic to my situation and available to meet my need.

I am well aware that I am weak and needy. I can't do this on my own. It's only by the grace of God giving strength to the weary and increasing the power of the weak that enables me to soar on wings like the eagles. (Isaiah 40:29-31) His grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in weakness (and he has a lot of weakness to work with in me!). (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The holidays are over but we had fun while it lasted. God graciously surrounded me with family who helped keep the spirits up. We had our family Christmas gathering yesterday, Saturday, New Year's Eve. We kept the tradition of several years now by having a brunch menu, although this year we ate at noon. We had been wondering if Naomi would be able to be with us since she hadn't been home from the hospital for very long. But she is finally on the mend, thanks to the Great Physician!

The Wallin family invasion began around 11:00 and by the time all three families were here, there were 7 adults and 11 children. I'm so grateful that we can all fit around one loooooong table. And there was plenty of food for all, even enough left overs to provide for nibbling throughout the afternoon.

After eating, it was time for opening our gifts. Someone suggested we go from oldest to youngest. I was so impressed how patient those littlest ones were. They held on to their presents but did not open them until it was their turn.

Claire loves the frilly, sparkly dresses. I found this one for a very good bargain.

And Amy made her the fairy wings which she wore the rest of the day.

After the gifts,the adults hung around and the kids played while Cole took his nap. 

Then we all went over to Care One for another Wallin family invasion. Those poor people probably wondered what in the world was going on when we all started streaming in the doors. But the children were well behaved and we entertained the residents and family members who were in the lobby. Grace played a very difficult piece on her violin ...what a treat. If you would like a sample of how she did, you can click here.

 
 Then the other kids wanted to exhibit, as well.

Andy seemed to enjoy the show and having us all there. I was a little concerned that we might wear him out being there are so many of us. But he loves his family.

Speaking of family, I've been making an effort to get to know some of the other residents and their family members where they visit. It has been striking to me that we're somewhat unusual in that there are so many of us. A couple other families have told me they have one grandchild, another family has none. Two couples I've met whose spouses are residents with memory loss, have told me he has 1 child, she has 2. So apparently, there are blended families, his and hers families. 

God has chosen to bless us with family. And this is a blessing I am extremely grateful for. 

Last week I mentioned that my wallet was "stolen." Two days ago, after I left Care One, I received a call that someone had turned in my wallet to the front desk. So I went back to get it. As it turned out, one of the residents had taken it and her husband found it a couple days later. He turned it in. Actually, having one of the Care One residents take the wallet was the best case scenario since they can't go anywhere to charge purchases. All my cards and cash were intact. Nothing had been touched. Of course, I had already canceled all my credit cards and even gotten a new driver's license because I didn't know what had happened to the wallet. Well, this is a lesson learned: do not assume you can leave your purse in Andy's room unattended. 

A friend from church graciously gave me 7 meals she had prepared. She fixed them ahead for her family, then set aside a single serving for me that she froze. Actually, they are more than a single serving. So far, I've been able to get 2 meals out of each that she's given. How generous and kind of her.

People continue to tell me they're praying for me. I'm very grateful because everyone says the holidays are difficult when there's a change in the family dynamic. December was hard because of getting used to the new routine. Andy is no longer home. And he wasn't with us at our Christmas brunch and gift openings. But maybe this is where it helps to have such a large family. Of course, no one can take his place, but his legacy lives on in his children and grandchildren. I didn't experience the depths of despair or even twinges of guilt. I am so grateful that he is getting good care. 

A couple of nights ago, while I was with Andy, he was finishing up his dinner, when he told the caregiver that he was doing a good job. He chuckled, but I seconded Andy's comment and thanked the young man for taking such good care of Andy. I asked him if he enjoyed his job. And he affirmed that he did. It takes a special gift to care for people who can't care for themselves. I know my gifts don't lie in that area, but I'm thankful for others who do have those gifts.

This is the beginning of a new year. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. Whatever comes our way is what the Sovereign Lord has determined. And those plans are "to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) And that hope has a name: it's Jesus. "Christ in you, the HOPE of glory" (Colossians 1:27).

Christ is Enough
Christ is enough for me

Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

Christ my all in all
The joy of my salvation
And this hope will never fail
Heaven is our home

Songwriters: Jonas Myrin / Reuben Morgan

Christ Is Enough lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

"On Christmas day, Jesus came to the earth in the likeness of a man, that we might be conformed into the likeness of God." (Daily in His Presence, Andrew Murray)

It's an amazing truth that Jesus came into the world to save sinners. He created us knowing that we would reject him, and knowing that he would give himself to rescue us, redeem us back to himself. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.

"Grace cataracts from heaven and flows for ever, and mercy never wearies in bestowing benefits." (Valley of Vision, page 149)

 
Grace, grace, God's grace. Do we really understand how dependent we are on God's grace? I don't think so. Our finite minds cannot wrap around this concept. 

I read in one of Paul  Tripp's books (and I don't remember now which one) where he said that our trials are evidence of God's extending grace to us. I had a hard time understanding that when I read it. How can a trial be anything but bad and something to be avoided or fixed? But in pondering that thought ever since, little by little I'm coming to terms with the idea. Because until we recognize how broken and hurting we are and how deep our need, we don't experience the grace of God sustaining and enabling us to endure. When we are in the deepest pit of despair, even there God is deeper still (Psalm 139:8). We experience his comfort and love...he gives us himself and all of the resources at his disposal (which are infinite and unending).

It was another week to trust in God's plan for me/us.

One of our granddaughters had to have an appendectomy earlier in the week. She was pretty ill and even after surgery, did not make a quick recovery. It was disappointing to me that I couldn't go visit her, but I had to be content that "it is what it is." Thankfully, there's instagram and texting to help keep us connected to each other.

I had a sinking feeling on Thursday when I went to pay for an order I was placing and discovered my wallet was not in my purse. Yikes! I immediately left the store, went home, looked everywhere, although I knew it wasn't at the house. That gave me something to do the rest of the evening. I called all the credit card companies to cancel them and then our medical insurance companies to request duplicate id cards. The unfortunate thing is that I also had all of Andy's medical id cards in my wallet, plus his driver's license. I called the township police to report the stolen wallet, because now I'm concerned about identity theft. I wracked my brain to try to figure out how this might have happened. I may never know the answer to this since I didn't witness it happening. Well, another opportunity to trust God...right?

Tuesday morning, Dawn called me to say she was going to visit Andy with the kids and did I want to join her there? I was able to and enjoyed spending time with her and the kids at Care One. All the residents enjoy the children when they visit. 

Andy's hair! It's obvious he's not combing it himself and the care givers don't know how it needs to be done.


I love the exuberance of the children. It doesn't bother them that these people are old and their brains aren't working normally. This is an adventure to them - like playing in Poppop's closet.

 Dawn and her family visited Andy this morning (Christmas day).

Then this afternoon, Amy and her family came down to spend some time with me. We had lunch together, then sat and visited for a little while before heading on over to see Andy. The ice cream parlor is a big hit with the children. I think more than children had been indulging today, though, because by the time we got to it, we were scraping the bottom of the barrel in order to come up with enough for three cones.

  

 
These pictures are bittersweet to me. I love that my kids and grandkids are still eager to visit with their dad and Poppop, but looking at Andy makes me so sad. He just doesn't look like I want to remember him. I confess that I get teary-eyed on my drive home after these visits.

But we do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Our church's theme phrase this December was "Hope has come." And it has. Because of Jesus' birth and death, we have this sure hope that one day all of our heart aches and sorrows will be over. We will live happily ever after with our dear Savior who will wipe away all our tears. What a day that will be. Meanwhile, though, he has called us to "not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

"Carefree in the care of God."

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

How I constantly need to be reminded of these truths.

I met on Tuesday with my elder law attorney and our financial agent to discuss my financial future. They both assured me there was enough to provide for Andy's care as well as my own. I came away from the meeting relieved and praising God for Andy's foresight and provision for me/us.

You would think my fears would be silenced and I would rest in the providence of God. But no...as the week wore on, I started entertaining "what if" scenarios. Fortunately, God came to my rescue as he always does. 

He had several people call me to interact with me on what I was thinking/feeling - speaking truth into me. I've also been reading Nothing Is Impossible With God by Rose Marie Miller, recommended by a friend. 

 
This author has been through a lot but in the process, her faith has grown and through her writing, she gives credence to the goodness of God in spite of the difficulties we endure. She quotes Alister McGrath in his book, Why Does God Allow Suffering?

"Suffering serves a vital spiritual function. It reminds us of our mortality, preventing us from entertaining delusions about our nature and our future...The great prize which is set before us is none other than a relationship with God himself. But our vision is so distorted by sin that we see nothing but the lesser prizes around us. We are called by God to find our rest in him. But our hearing is so dulled that we hear only the voices of the world and its transient goals. We settle for the shadows of the grand delights for which we were created."

Those thoughts were reinforced as I read in Randy Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. He reminds us that God is a lavish giver. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) Alcorn expounds on this verse by stating: "The God who gave us his Son delights to graciously give us 'all things.' These 'things' are in addition to Christ, but they are never instead of him - they come 'along with him.' If we didn't have Christ, we would have nothing. But because we have Christ, we have everything."


I was trying to understand why I am having such a hard time trusting that God is going to provide for my every need. Maybe because this is so new to me. I've had 43 years of not having the final responsibility. Andy was always the one who calmed my fears and was able to convince me that things would be ok, and I believed him. It was his responsibility and out of my hands. It feels different now. I can't talk this over with Andy. The buck stops with me. Or does it??? No, the reality is that now I have a new husband, God Himself. And he is even more to be trusted than Andy was. He knows the end from the beginning. This is all in His plan and He can be trusted. This is another opportunity to preach the gospel...to tell the world that Christ is enough. I can be satisfied in Him, no matter what's happening around me or what I'm going through.

Another example of the grace of God at work in me is how I'm adapting to Andy being in the "nursing home." When Andy and I first became involved in ministry, I told Andy I just couldn't accompany him when he made hospital visits. Walking into a hospital made me feel faint...I just couldn't do it. The smell made me nauseous, the sight of blood made me feel queasy. How ironic it was that Andy himself was in the hospital numerous times with a concussion, in traction, with a parasite that attacked his white blood cells, etc. (I can't even begin to count the number of times he was hospitalized in our married life!)

I have been visiting Andy every evening at Care One - right around the dinner hour. I am getting to know the other residents, as well as the care givers. It is amazing to watch Andy as he interacts with the people. It's like he's gained a whole new congregation. I have walked in on him a number of evenings and found him on his knees beside another resident, with his hand on the arm of a man in a recliner, comforting him. Or as we talk to another resident, a lady in a wheelchair comes up to us, and he pats her on the head. He sits next to another man at dinner time and the two of them carry on a conversation that only the two of them understand. Another lady told me that Andy is so kind and gentle.

This is beautiful to watch and I am grateful for this experience. It's obvious that Andy's ministry is not over. He has been placed in this situation for a purpose and for a time. The Spirit of God is shining through him even in his illness.

A lady at church this morning told me that early on in Andy's illness, Andy had told her husband that he wanted to finish strong. I would say God is honoring that desire.

Sparrows

Jason Gray

You can't add a single day by worrying
You'll worry your life away
Oh don't worry your life away
You can't change a single thing by freaking out
It's just gonna close you in
Oh don't let the trouble win

You may feel alone
But you're not on your own

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

Lean in and it's hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it

Carefree in the care of God
 

When you let it go
You'll find that He's enough
Oh you never leave His love

You don't walk alone

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

There's not a single star that's out of place
There's nothing broken He can't remake
If you long for hope when you're afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Even the sparrow knows

He holds tomorrow

Songwriters: Mia Fieldes / Jason Gray / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Sparrows lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Music Services, Inc

Every new duty calls for more grace than I now possess,
but not more than is found in You, the divine treasury in whom all fullness dwells.
To You I repair for grace upon grace, until every void made by sin be replenished
and I am filled with all Your fullness.
May my desires be enlarged and my hopes emboldened,
that I may honor You by my entire dependency and the greatness of my expectation.
Be with me and prepare me for all:
    the smiles of prosperity,
    the frowns of adversity,
    the losses of substance,
    the death of friends,
    the days of darkness,
    the changes of life,
    and the last great change of all.
May I find Your grace sufficient for all my needs.
Valley of Vision, page 116

This is a new way to get used to - rattling around the house by myself, when and how often do I visit Andy, how do I occupy my time at home? That last question is difficult because I am still exhausted and lacking in motivation. There's really not anything that's pressing on the to-do list. It's more like I'm numb and on auto-pilot.

Andy seems to be settling in to being where he is. He's not as agitated although he is still moving his things around. His shoes were missing for about a week. No one knew where they were until they reappeared a day or so ago. When I asked the caregivers if they had found them, they said, "no," the shoes just appeared. I have taken most of his clothes back home and only leave one or two outfits because they will just disappear and who knows where he puts them. Yesterday when I looked in his bathroom, I noticed that his razor was in pieces. I tried putting it back together but couldn't figure it out. So I had to take it to Tommy to see if he could get it back in working order. He did. This is so typical of the kinds of things Andy used to be so good at. I would be ready to throw something out because it wasn't working any more, but Andy would look at it, figure it out and fix it. He just had a natural knack for knowing how things operated.

Speaking of Tommy, he came over yesterday to work on our tree. We had put it up when the family was here at Thanksgiving, but only one strand of lights worked. It was one of those trees that had lights already affixed to it. I bought new strands of lights and thought we could just string them. But Tommy said he wanted to do the job right and proceeded to take off the old lights. Unfortunately, they were firmly attached and he worked hours at removing them from the tree. It was finally done and now it looks great with new strands of lights.

Dawn and the kids also came with Tommy, so it was a treat to have them all here with me. Kasey cracks me up - she makes the funniest faces when she has her picture taken.

 It seems like ages since I'd taken a hike in the woods. I think the last time Andy and I went was in the spring. Since then, I hadn't felt he was up to walking as much so we just hadn't gone. So when a friend wanted to get together with me, I suggested a hike at Rancocas State Park. She had never been there, so she was game. It was the coldest day we've had so far, but that did not deter me. We just bundled up and off we went. The sun was shining and it wasn't too uncomfortably cold. I didn't even wear a hat or gloves.

Crisp, invigorating air and the sun sparkling on the water...what therapy...so thankful for nature and the joy it gives to the soul.

So how is Andy doing?
He seems to be adjusting to his new way of living. Two days ago when I arrived, I was walking toward his room, when I noticed him coming toward me down the hall. When he saw me, he said, "Oh, you're an answer to prayer!" That night he seemed to be more lucid and we talked to a couple of the other residents. Most of the time, his conversation doesn't make sense, but his nature still manifests in being concerned for the other person. 

Then yesterday when I was there, I arrived in time to help him eat his dinner. He doesn't feed himself and hasn't for a couple of weeks now. When I'm not there, the caregivers feed him. But last night, I did the honors. After he ate his dinner, he stood up to go to his room. When he stood up, he almost fell over. The care giver and I helped him to sit down and tried to determine what was wrong. He seemed to be dizzy and exhausted. We finally got him to his room and his bed. Then the nurse came in to take his vital signs, all of which were normal. But he was pretty out of it. I wonder if he had tired himself out with all his activity that day. The caregivers said he had been walking the halls all day. And when I got to his room, I noticed he had moved his chair, and a lot of things were out of order - an indication that he had been "working" at fixing or organizing.

I am so grateful for our daughters. They have been a great comfort and blessing to me during this time. I am also very thankful for our church family. They rally around me with hugs and promises that they are praying for me and offers to help in any way I might need. 

We are in December, getting ready to celebrate Christmas and I have been thinking of the peace the angels promised to the shepherds when they announced Jesus' birth. And then as Jesus was getting ready to go to the cross, he told his disciples that he was leaving peace for them. But this was not ordinary peace like the world gave, but His peace. God's peace is a peace that passes understanding. Who can explain this peace? It's beyond us...how can you have peace in the midst of horrendous circumstances? But if you have the Lord, you do have peace. He Himself is our peace (Ephesians 2:14).

And just like that...Andy is in a facility. Actually, it was pretty intense and involved but it did happen quickly. I have to document it here because I would be so tempted to question whether or not we did the right thing. 

I am so grateful for the daughters God gave us. I feel pretty emotionally needy and unable to make an informed decision. So they took it upon themselves to come down on Monday and all together, we visited 2 other facilities. I thought we were pretty set on the one I had visited last week, but the girls thought it felt cold and hospital-ish. One of the girls thought that maybe we should try home health a little longer, that he just wasn't ready to be in a full time facility. However, as the next couple of days unfolded, it became clear that I just couldn't handle him at home any more. 

The second facility we visited on Monday was Care One Harmony Village of Moorestown. As soon as we walked in there, the daughter that was advocating more home time, felt at peace about this place and thought he would do well there. We met with the Marketing Director, who happened to be a worship pastor in his local church (!), then walked around the facility, meeting the maintenance man, the head chef, the nurses and care givers. Everyone we met stopped to introduce themselves to us and were so friendly - we were sold.

The Marketing Director worked hard to make it possible for Andy to be admitted by Wednesday. In the meantime, though, I had to get him to two doctor's appointments on Tuesday and one on Wednesday before he could be admitted. What a whirlwind. It was becoming more and more difficult to take him out. I had to help him in the car...he always wanted to get in the car next to us or in the back seat. Then I had to buckle him up before I could get in myself. I thought it was interesting that he couldn't buckle himself in, but when we were driving, he could figure out how to unbuckle.  It was a trip!

I've been visiting Andy every day, sometimes twice or three times. Thankfully, the facility is only 5.6 miles away from our house. He is having some anxiety about being there, which is understandable. He is pacing up and down the halls, including all night long. He has taken to hiding his clothes, stashing them in different places. I had taken about four shirts and hung them in his closet. The next day when I looked in his closet, I was shocked to see nothing but empty hangers. He is keeping the staff busy looking for his things. His shoes have been missing for several days...they say they've looked everywhere.

This morning, I was in church enjoying worship song time, when I felt my phone vibrate. When I checked to see who was calling, it was Care One. I left the auditorium and took the call. They informed me that Andy was running up and down the halls, trying to climb the walls and the furniture. He was even being a little combative and they couldn't calm him down. So I drove over and as soon as he saw me, he was back to "normal." I didn't see any of the behavior they told me about. Well, it's all so new and different for him and I do feel bad for him. But he's in the right place...there were times he didn't know where he was even at our home. And he was beginning the moving of things and trying to even leave the house. Yes, he was admitted at just the right time.

On Tuesday, the morning before he went into the facility, having come through a miserable night of not sleeping, I told him I was going to admit him. I was really surprised by his response: "Oh, thank you," he said. I went on to tell him that he would have round the clock care, and they would be able to care for him better than I could. He seemed to understand, but even if he didn't, it was a little affirmation from the Lord. 

Andy is still Andy...even when he is agitated and anxious, he calms down when he sees me. He feels safe when I am with him. I've taken a small boom box to his room and a couple of cd's for him to play. I'm trying to be careful and not take too many in case he starts hiding them, too.

Yesterday a couple went with me and we hung pictures in his room.

 

These pictures had been on the walls in his office at church and I had never done anything with them except put them in the basement. And the chair is what he always sat on in our bedroom when he put his shoes on.

Then I thought it would be nice to add a festive Christmas-y touch.

On Friday, Amy came down to help me look at his room and try to make it more comfortable for him. She brought along Joanna and Katy. Dawn met us there, and we all had a good time together. Andy seemed somewhat "with-it," but it was bittersweet.



I already knew that people had a lot of love and respect for Andy, but what we are going through has been overwhelmingly precious and affirming as friends and family respond to us. People are telling me stories of how Andy ministered to them at a difficult time. I am so blessed by their remembrances and willingness to share with me. It's obvious that God used him in his own quiet way to point people to Jesus by shepherding, by his compassion, sympathy and care. 

People are wanting to help but sometimes I just don't know what to tell them. I admit, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted. I seem to be sleeping a little better every night. The house seems very strange to me...it's so quiet. I don't mind quiet and I don't mind being alone, but I do miss my dear Andy.

One neighbor suggested he put up the Christmas lights on our house. I wasn't going to bother this year, but he seemed like he really wanted to do it. He came over yesterday morning and got them up, including putting a timer on them so they come on and go off at set times.

Doesn't that look inviting?  I love the look and am grateful for young neighbor friends who like to be helpful. I think a batch of cookies is in order as a reward, don't you agree???

It's hard for me to concentrate when I read because I'm so consumed with the emotion of what I'm going through right now. But on Friday's reading in Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray, I was reminded of God's power that works in our weakness.

"He has the power to work in the feeblest of His servants with the strength of the Almighty God, even to use our apparent impotence to carry out His purposes...But Christ never gives this power to be regarded as our own. It is only as He dwells and works in our hearts and lives that there can be power in our preaching and personal testimony."

Several times recently, people have told me that I'm strong. I appreciate them saying so, but I honestly feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable. It's only the strength of the Lord that is carrying me. This is one of those times when there are only one set of footprints in the sand - Jesus'.

Things are heating up...I got a call from The Tender on Wednesday morning letting me know that because of a couple of incidents, Andy would not be able to return. I asked Pastor for the rest of the morning off to make calls, write emails, try to come up with a plan for what to do about this.

Unfortunately, we were getting into the holiday weekend and doctors were not accessible (they had their nerve taking time off when I needed them!).

I thought I was going to need daytime care, and while I was at it, let's also get night time care so I could finally get some sleep. Because I had used a home health aide service back in March when I went away for the weekend, I called them. They already had our paperwork so I thought I would be more successful getting someone quickly.

And that's how it worked out. They arranged for a nurse to come out to do an assessment on Friday afternoon and had an aide here at the house on Saturday morning. Saturday went pretty well, but night time was horrific. I slept in the other bedroom and the aide sat in the chair in the bedroom with Andy to be available when he woke up. 

The first part of the night went ok, but around 3:00, he woke up and was startled to see a strange person in his room. He became very agitated and walked out of the bedroom and started yelling, "help, help." Needless to say, I was awakened and quickly ran to see what was going on. When he saw me, he told me to call the cops. I was able to lead him back to bed, then lay down beside him to try to calm him down. But he kept looking at the aide, so I finally told her she should leave and I canceled the service.

I'm in constant contact with our daughters who are encouraging me it's time to get him admitted into a facility. I am in complete agreement. I am only one person and I'm finite, at that. It's impossible for me to be on call 24/7. I just don't know how much longer I can function with so little sleep. For the last two weeks or so, I'm had about 3-4 hours per night. I have to say, though, I'm amazed that I can still function. That's obviously God's grace sustaining me.

The weekend had its good moments, though, being with family. Andy and I went to Andy's brother's for our traditional Thanksgiving with his family. Christy and her family also joined us this year. Andy was so anxious, he kept pacing around, trying to go out the door, and frankly, behaving bizarrely at times. I think his family members were shocked to see how far his disease had progressed. His mom cried several times, and I admit, even though I see him all the time, I was also very sad.

But it triggered our daughters' desire to check out a facility for him, so they set up an appointment for Friday afternoon. They all came down for our family time and that was also bittersweet. There were some funny moments but he seemed somewhat disturbed by the "noise" of the children - so unlike his pre-disease nature.

I hope all who read this post will pray fervently for us as we make decisions, contact doctors, meet with an elder law attorney, etc. There is so much to take into consideration as well as the process of moving him out of our home.

I am exhausted and can hardly think but I feel the Lord's presence and am not in despair. He is holding me up. I know he will not let me down.

Here are a couple of pictures from the weekend.

Tonight he is pacing around, moving furniture, rearranging things and telling me he has a lot to do. I try reasoning with him, but it does not compute.

Stooping very low engraves with care
His Name indelible upon our dust;
And from the ashes of our self-despair
Kindles a flame of love and humble trust.
He seeks no second site on which to build,
But on the old foundation, stone by stone,
Cementing sad experience with grace,
Fashions a stronger temple of His own.
Patricia St. John, Patricia St. John Tells Her Own Story