On Wallin Pond

And just like that...Andy is in a facility. Actually, it was pretty intense and involved but it did happen quickly. I have to document it here because I would be so tempted to question whether or not we did the right thing. 

I am so grateful for the daughters God gave us. I feel pretty emotionally needy and unable to make an informed decision. So they took it upon themselves to come down on Monday and all together, we visited 2 other facilities. I thought we were pretty set on the one I had visited last week, but the girls thought it felt cold and hospital-ish. One of the girls thought that maybe we should try home health a little longer, that he just wasn't ready to be in a full time facility. However, as the next couple of days unfolded, it became clear that I just couldn't handle him at home any more. 

The second facility we visited on Monday was Care One Harmony Village of Moorestown. As soon as we walked in there, the daughter that was advocating more home time, felt at peace about this place and thought he would do well there. We met with the Marketing Director, who happened to be a worship pastor in his local church (!), then walked around the facility, meeting the maintenance man, the head chef, the nurses and care givers. Everyone we met stopped to introduce themselves to us and were so friendly - we were sold.

The Marketing Director worked hard to make it possible for Andy to be admitted by Wednesday. In the meantime, though, I had to get him to two doctor's appointments on Tuesday and one on Wednesday before he could be admitted. What a whirlwind. It was becoming more and more difficult to take him out. I had to help him in the car...he always wanted to get in the car next to us or in the back seat. Then I had to buckle him up before I could get in myself. I thought it was interesting that he couldn't buckle himself in, but when we were driving, he could figure out how to unbuckle.  It was a trip!

I've been visiting Andy every day, sometimes twice or three times. Thankfully, the facility is only 5.6 miles away from our house. He is having some anxiety about being there, which is understandable. He is pacing up and down the halls, including all night long. He has taken to hiding his clothes, stashing them in different places. I had taken about four shirts and hung them in his closet. The next day when I looked in his closet, I was shocked to see nothing but empty hangers. He is keeping the staff busy looking for his things. His shoes have been missing for several days...they say they've looked everywhere.

This morning, I was in church enjoying worship song time, when I felt my phone vibrate. When I checked to see who was calling, it was Care One. I left the auditorium and took the call. They informed me that Andy was running up and down the halls, trying to climb the walls and the furniture. He was even being a little combative and they couldn't calm him down. So I drove over and as soon as he saw me, he was back to "normal." I didn't see any of the behavior they told me about. Well, it's all so new and different for him and I do feel bad for him. But he's in the right place...there were times he didn't know where he was even at our home. And he was beginning the moving of things and trying to even leave the house. Yes, he was admitted at just the right time.

On Tuesday, the morning before he went into the facility, having come through a miserable night of not sleeping, I told him I was going to admit him. I was really surprised by his response: "Oh, thank you," he said. I went on to tell him that he would have round the clock care, and they would be able to care for him better than I could. He seemed to understand, but even if he didn't, it was a little affirmation from the Lord. 

Andy is still Andy...even when he is agitated and anxious, he calms down when he sees me. He feels safe when I am with him. I've taken a small boom box to his room and a couple of cd's for him to play. I'm trying to be careful and not take too many in case he starts hiding them, too.

Yesterday a couple went with me and we hung pictures in his room.

 

These pictures had been on the walls in his office at church and I had never done anything with them except put them in the basement. And the chair is what he always sat on in our bedroom when he put his shoes on.

Then I thought it would be nice to add a festive Christmas-y touch.

On Friday, Amy came down to help me look at his room and try to make it more comfortable for him. She brought along Joanna and Katy. Dawn met us there, and we all had a good time together. Andy seemed somewhat "with-it," but it was bittersweet.



I already knew that people had a lot of love and respect for Andy, but what we are going through has been overwhelmingly precious and affirming as friends and family respond to us. People are telling me stories of how Andy ministered to them at a difficult time. I am so blessed by their remembrances and willingness to share with me. It's obvious that God used him in his own quiet way to point people to Jesus by shepherding, by his compassion, sympathy and care. 

People are wanting to help but sometimes I just don't know what to tell them. I admit, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted. I seem to be sleeping a little better every night. The house seems very strange to me...it's so quiet. I don't mind quiet and I don't mind being alone, but I do miss my dear Andy.

One neighbor suggested he put up the Christmas lights on our house. I wasn't going to bother this year, but he seemed like he really wanted to do it. He came over yesterday morning and got them up, including putting a timer on them so they come on and go off at set times.

Doesn't that look inviting?  I love the look and am grateful for young neighbor friends who like to be helpful. I think a batch of cookies is in order as a reward, don't you agree???

It's hard for me to concentrate when I read because I'm so consumed with the emotion of what I'm going through right now. But on Friday's reading in Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray, I was reminded of God's power that works in our weakness.

"He has the power to work in the feeblest of His servants with the strength of the Almighty God, even to use our apparent impotence to carry out His purposes...But Christ never gives this power to be regarded as our own. It is only as He dwells and works in our hearts and lives that there can be power in our preaching and personal testimony."

Several times recently, people have told me that I'm strong. I appreciate them saying so, but I honestly feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable. It's only the strength of the Lord that is carrying me. This is one of those times when there are only one set of footprints in the sand - Jesus'.