but not more than is found in You, the divine treasury in whom all fullness dwells.
To You I repair for grace upon grace, until every void made by sin be replenished
and I am filled with all Your fullness.
May my desires be enlarged and my hopes emboldened,
that I may honor You by my entire dependency and the greatness of my expectation.
Be with me and prepare me for all:
the smiles of prosperity,
the frowns of adversity,
the losses of substance,
the death of friends,
the days of darkness,
the changes of life,
and the last great change of all.
May I find Your grace sufficient for all my needs.
Valley of Vision, page 116
This is a new way to get used to - rattling around the house by myself, when and how often do I visit Andy, how do I occupy my time at home? That last question is difficult because I am still exhausted and lacking in motivation. There's really not anything that's pressing on the to-do list. It's more like I'm numb and on auto-pilot.
Andy seems to be settling in to being where he is. He's not as agitated although he is still moving his things around. His shoes were missing for about a week. No one knew where they were until they reappeared a day or so ago. When I asked the caregivers if they had found them, they said, "no," the shoes just appeared. I have taken most of his clothes back home and only leave one or two outfits because they will just disappear and who knows where he puts them. Yesterday when I looked in his bathroom, I noticed that his razor was in pieces. I tried putting it back together but couldn't figure it out. So I had to take it to Tommy to see if he could get it back in working order. He did. This is so typical of the kinds of things Andy used to be so good at. I would be ready to throw something out because it wasn't working any more, but Andy would look at it, figure it out and fix it. He just had a natural knack for knowing how things operated.
Speaking of Tommy, he came over yesterday to work on our tree. We had put it up when the family was here at Thanksgiving, but only one strand of lights worked. It was one of those trees that had lights already affixed to it. I bought new strands of lights and thought we could just string them. But Tommy said he wanted to do the job right and proceeded to take off the old lights. Unfortunately, they were firmly attached and he worked hours at removing them from the tree. It was finally done and now it looks great with new strands of lights.
Dawn and the kids also came with Tommy, so it was a treat to have them all here with me. Kasey cracks me up - she makes the funniest faces when she has her picture taken.
It seems like ages since I'd taken a hike in the woods. I think the last time Andy and I went was in the spring. Since then, I hadn't felt he was up to walking as much so we just hadn't gone. So when a friend wanted to get together with me, I suggested a hike at Rancocas State Park. She had never been there, so she was game. It was the coldest day we've had so far, but that did not deter me. We just bundled up and off we went. The sun was shining and it wasn't too uncomfortably cold. I didn't even wear a hat or gloves.
Crisp, invigorating air and the sun sparkling on the water...what therapy...so thankful for nature and the joy it gives to the soul.
So how is Andy doing?
He seems to be adjusting to his new way of living. Two days ago when I arrived, I was walking toward his room, when I noticed him coming toward me down the hall. When he saw me, he said, "Oh, you're an answer to prayer!" That night he seemed to be more lucid and we talked to a couple of the other residents. Most of the time, his conversation doesn't make sense, but his nature still manifests in being concerned for the other person.
Then yesterday when I was there, I arrived in time to help him eat his dinner. He doesn't feed himself and hasn't for a couple of weeks now. When I'm not there, the caregivers feed him. But last night, I did the honors. After he ate his dinner, he stood up to go to his room. When he stood up, he almost fell over. The care giver and I helped him to sit down and tried to determine what was wrong. He seemed to be dizzy and exhausted. We finally got him to his room and his bed. Then the nurse came in to take his vital signs, all of which were normal. But he was pretty out of it. I wonder if he had tired himself out with all his activity that day. The caregivers said he had been walking the halls all day. And when I got to his room, I noticed he had moved his chair, and a lot of things were out of order - an indication that he had been "working" at fixing or organizing.
I am so grateful for our daughters. They have been a great comfort and blessing to me during this time. I am also very thankful for our church family. They rally around me with hugs and promises that they are praying for me and offers to help in any way I might need.
We are in December, getting ready to celebrate Christmas and I have been thinking of the peace the angels promised to the shepherds when they announced Jesus' birth. And then as Jesus was getting ready to go to the cross, he told his disciples that he was leaving peace for them. But this was not ordinary peace like the world gave, but His peace. God's peace is a peace that passes understanding. Who can explain this peace? It's beyond us...how can you have peace in the midst of horrendous circumstances? But if you have the Lord, you do have peace. He Himself is our peace (Ephesians 2:14).
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