Always & Never

When I was growing up, my parents instilled in me to be careful of my words. They would not allow me to say things my friends were saying, like "Oh, my gosh," or even, "Oh, my word." Once I said, "Good grief," and my dad admonished me that grief wasn't good so why was I saying that? He was strict about making sure that our yes was yes and our no was no. In his mind, other words were superfluous and unnecessary. He took his guidelines from Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount that anything beyond the yes and no comes from the evil one. 

Another "thing" of his was to never use the words "never" and "always". When Andy and I were receiving our pre-marital counseling, this was advised to us, as well, that in our arguments/disagreements, we should refrain from these ultimate words. This is really good advise if you think about it, for "never" and "always" indicate no wiggle room. And who of us, in reality, always in every case do a certain thing; or conversely, never do it? These words are commonly used but rarely true. They are usually used as accusations to gain the upper hand in an argument, but in reality, are exaggerations to make a point.

But there is One of whom we can say is ALWAYS with us and NEVER fails us. Scripture is pretty clear about this and reiterates it over and over again.

 And think about the love of God. It ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. Love NEVER fails.

These are beautiful promises to remember when we are going through the deep waters of affliction. His grace gives me eyes to see the love of God in every affliction as well as in prosperity. 

Psalm 25:10 - "ALL the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant."

I finished reading through Be Still, My Soul for the second time. I can't recommend this book enough to anyone who is going through deep trials. The readings are short enough but deep and insightful, written by great men and women of faith. In chapter 20, J.I. Packer's devotional, titled Hoped-for Healing, teaches on the 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 passage where Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh. He felt so weak because of that thorn, but Jesus assured him that His grace was sufficient for him, that His power was perfected in weakness.

Packer says that God uses chronic pain and weakness, along with other afflictions, as his chisel for sculpting our lives. Felt weakness deepens dependence on Christ for strength each day. The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away.

When I read that about leaning, I couldn't help but remember how one of our daughters used to like to sit close to me during church or as we read stories on the couch. And when I say, "close," I mean leaning hard into my side. I loved it, though, and never minded her leaning into me. It indicated her need to be loved. 

And now when we take family pictures, there are certain grandchildren who lean into us as we sit next to them. And it warms my heart to think they enjoy our nearness. Is this how God feels when we his children long to lean into his arms? I think so. He loves us lavishly and it warms his heart when we love him back, leaning into him, trusting his loving arms. 

And we're not the only ones who lean. God leans into us, too. His heart is toward us. He stoops to his children. He hems us in, behind and before. He lays his hand upon us.

So both parties lean: the one needing protection, the other to be the Protector. 

I always noticed in pictures of Andy and me together, how he leaned toward me. Granted, I'm a lot shorter than he is, but I'm inclined to believe he leans more because his heart is always toward me. 

I didn't post this yesterday because we were just a little busy. All our daughters and their families came down to have some together time. Andy's mom and dad came over and joined us. That made 20 people all together. What a time we had: lots of laughter, fun, play, eating, teasing, running in and out, joking around. 

Tom, The Grill Master

Two little cousin friends at their own little table

My Pink Buddy

I couldn't help but notice there were moments when Andy seemed like his old self. He even jumped in before we ate to get everyone's attention and lead in prayer for the meal. That hadn't happened the last several times we were all together.

Well, these diseases are unpredictable. You NEVER know what will happen next but should ALWAYS be on the alert.

Andy has been going to The Tender 5 days a week for the whole month of July. What a blessing this has been. He is enjoying his time there and I am enjoying the break of not worrying about him while he's there. Win-win!

The CEO of The Tender had advised me to get Andy to some specialized testing at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging.  I made an appointment and took him on Wednesday afternoon. Andy spent about two hours with Dr. Libon, a doctor/professor who teaches at Rowan University. He is a doctor of geriatrics and teaches at the university. After Andy, Dr. Libon then spent another 30-40 minutes with me. It was a long afternoon. The doctor was very compassionate. I felt he really cared about us. He actually asked me how I was doing, then of course, I teared up. But he handed me a tissue and said he was sorry. He had also had family members with the same illnesses. 

After we were finished, he wanted us to set up an appointment with a geriatrics psychiatrist and a social worker. Both of those appointments will be in early September. After those two appointments, the three of them will write up a report and let us know the results. The meeting with the social worker will mostly be for my benefit - to share possibilities that are available for me.

I have been reading through Be Still My Soul by Nancy Guthrie again. It's a compilation of short chapters by different authors on the subject of suffering and trials. This week I read, Dying Well, by D.A. Carson. He based his writing on Psalm 90 about the shortness of man's life...how our life is just 70 or 80 years, if we have the strength. He said that our current western culture is shocked when someone dies. It's hard to believe or accept. But why should it be? Everyone dies. No one is an exception. 

He said that even when Christians get sick, people plead with God for their healing. Oh, it's not wrong to pray for healing because God is the Great Physician. But he suggests that perhaps a better way to pray for people who are ill would be: "Heavenly Father, we would love it if you would heal --. But if it is not your will to heal him, teach him to die well. Give him a joy of the Lord. Give him a heritage of godly faith, with one foot firmly planted in heaven, so that his wife and children will be stamped by it, and will look to Christ. We don't ask that he have an easy time, but ask that he be so full of grace, people will see Christ in him."

This really is our desire. When Andy was first diagnosed, his brother took him out to dinner and in the course of the conversation, Dan asked Andy what impact he thought this would have on his family. And Andy answered: "I taught them how to live, now I want to show them how to die."

Carson says "we are all under the sentence of death; we are all terminal cases. But the good news is that "when we pass through death, death dies! And the more a Christian lives in the consciousness of God's presence here, the easier it is to anticipate the unqualified delight that will be experienced in God's presence there. I'm so grateful that this life is not all there is. It's just a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes. But our life in heaven with our Lord and Savior is eternal, never ending.

Even in the darkness of the shadow of death, we have moments of beauty. We really are surrounded with the beauty of God's creation and people we love.

Yesterday in the cool of the day, I walked outside to check on my gardens. The roses of sharon are in full bloom. There was a butterfly enjoying them, too, but he was unwilling to pose for me. He was too busy flitting or burying himself in the flowers.
 

We took another trip to PA today, this time to visit with Christy and her family. I made a key lime cheesecake yesterday and took that along for our dessert. We had lunch together, then played a game with the whole family except for Andy and Claire and Aiden. And before we left, the children willingly honored my request to have a picture taken with all of them with Andy and me.

 

Well, the only way we were able to get some good pictures was to promise they could make funny faces at the end. So here is the proof that we kept our promise!

Cleaning Out

Every evening after our dinner, when I'm feeling cold from being in air conditioning all day, I make my way out to check on my gardens and make sure the flowers aren't thirsty.

Sometimes Andy goes out to "help" me but if he does, that's usually an exercise in patience for me. But even in the sadness of his condition, there is a beautiful butterfly on those colorful flowers. This makes my heart smile and praise God for his beauty and goodness.

Last night, though, I was about to go out to do my watering, when I thought I heard thunder. Sure enough, very soon, a storm came through. It rained buckets for quite a length of time. I thought I would try to get pictures of rain with my iphone. They turned out pretty good, don't you think?

Dawn has been encouraging me to do some house purging. So yesterday I spent a couple of hours cleaning out and organizing. I started on my desk drawers. In one of the drawers, I came across all the journals I had written in over the years, with the oldest dating back to when Andy and I were in seminary. It was tempting to read through them, but I was on a mission and ended up packing them away in a safe place - for future generations to read (or throw away - ha). 

The oldest journal was a notebook I wrote in while Andy and I were in seminary in the '70's. On one of the first pages were some notes I must have taken in a class I had attended. There was a note that we all need an EMT - Encourager by Ministering Truth. I love that and I immediately gave thanks for my own personal EMT - a friend who always encourages me by reminding me of what is true. I can feel inadequate and ineffective, but spending time in her presence with her speaking truth to me about the hope we have in the Lord, the great love God has for his children, yes, even me, always lifts me up and helps me refocus.


Cleaning out, purging, getting rid of junk and collected stuff is a good thing. On the one hand, it's easier to just stash things on the shelves in the basement because then at least I don't have to think about what to do with them. You know...out of sight, out of mind. 

But on the other hand, it's so satisfying to think about and determine what is really important and attempt to live simpler. I've often told myself that, in the end, everything is going to burn. So don't put took much importance on anything that can burn or be destroyed. It's also a good idea to hold onto things loosely. Don't put too much stock in them because when they wear out or become damaged, it hurts less. What's most important is our relationships, with our God and Savior and our family and friends. 

This is a good reminder as I throw things away and clean out drawers and cupboards. Well, I accomplished a tiny start to my cleaning out: just my desk, the corner cupboard in the kitchen and another cabinet. I still have Andy's work space, our shed and the whole basement. Ugh!

Andy has been going to the Alzheimer's respite day care every day now for 3 weeks. What a life saver that has been. Andy is enjoying it and so am I. He actually seems more "with it" and engaged. I was starting to think that he doesn't seem as confused as before he started going, but then I remember that the other day, he was opening drawers and obviously looking for something. When I checked on him, his face was all lathered up with shaving cream, and he couldn't find his razor. When I asked him what he was looking for, he couldn't tell me, just mumbled something, so I asked if he needed his razor, and yes, that was it. 

Then again this afternoon, he looked at me and asked where Phyllis was. I told him I was Phyllis, then he said, he thought he would gather up his things and go home. I told him he was home, but I'm not really sure he believed me. 

So realistically, he is not improving. And I don't know why I would think he was. This week he is scheduled for a comprehensive appointment at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging, which is associated with Rowan University. It's supposed to be a 3 hour test/interview with Andy and myself. The CEO at the Respite Care facility suggested that we might get more answers from them. She said the regular doctor who sees him spends 15 minutes with him every six months and doesn't get a true picture of his condition. Every time we're in his office, he says Andy's symptoms are still mild. And maybe they are, but then again, maybe they aren't. I'm hoping to get a bit more realistic picture of what we're dealing with. 

I've been enjoying a new song my personal EMT shared with me: Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer by Keith & Kristyn Getty

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labor thro' the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow tho' I'm worn

Chorus
May this journey be a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus guide me thro' the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more

Chorus

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at Your throne

So this is my prayer these days: may this journey be a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith; and at the end of my heart's testing, with Your likeness, let me wake.

A Bit of Old with the New

Unfortunately, sometimes an old song can become familiar and the words aren't as meaningful. When we've heard it all our lives, we can sing it woodenly without thinking too much about it. That's why I like an old song with a new arrangement and some new words. It helps grab our attention and speaks anew and afresh to the soul.

Last Sunday we sang It is Well (with my soul). When I got to work on Monday, I had an email from someone who wanted to know the name of the song that was sung...and he gave some details so I could figure out which one he meant. I looked it up and watched the youtube version.

It really spoke to me and echoed my own feelings, so I showed it to Andy and we watched it together. When I turned around to look at him after the song was finished, he was crying. It is that meaningful!

It is Well (With My Soul).

Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

Bridge x3
So let go, my soul, and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name (repeat last line during 3rd run)

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul x3

Chorus x2 (softly slowly)
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

 

I want this to be the prayer of my heart and my firm resolve: through it all, my eyes are on the Lord and it is well with my soul. Hallelujah.

After church last Sunday, the day stretched before us and I got to thinking it would be nice to be able to go somewhere. More thinking led to wishing I could see our girls and their families a little more often. So I texted both Amy and Christy, our PA families to ask if they had any Sunday afternoons free and could we come visit. We were able to work it out and get two dates on the calendar. 

Amy's the first one. We left after church this morning and drove to Lancaster County. Amy fixed us a lunch of lasagna and salad with rolls. Yummy. We watched the kids swim for a while in their pool before deciding to head on over to a nearby pond for the guys to do some fishing. It was a really nice afternoon as long as we stayed in the shade. 

It was such a pleasure watching the kids occupy themselves and have fun fishing, playing in the water, coloring on the blanket and just being together with this dear family.

It was such a peaceful, idyllic setting, it was impossible not to feel relaxed and at peace. Can you tell we're in Lancaster County???

And we even saw a teeny baby bunny just sitting in the grass.

It was a lovely day - a beautiful gift.

Yes, indeed...it is well with my soul. Through it all, the good and the bad, I can trust in Him, it is well with my soul.

4th of July & Lord of the Rings

It was a different kind of week with the holiday on Monday. I worked a little on Sunday afternoon since I wouldn't be in the office until Wednesday and the work doesn't go away. It's always there waiting for me. 

On the 4th of July, Andy and I drove up to Berks County for the Yoder family picnic - an annual event. This year, my sister and her son did all the cooking and food prep - and wow! My nephew, Keith, is a professional chef and caters many huge events, sometimes feeding several thousand people at a time. He buys the food, hires the workers and prepares the meals. He just finished at a golf tournament in Pennsylvania a week or so ago.

He recently bought his own trailer fully equipped kitchen, then offered to cater our picnic this year. Wow and wow! Wouldn't that be nice if he did this every year. I doubt anyone would complain. The food was outstanding.
 
 
  


 

 

  



























My sister kept saying she was in her happy place. She loves cooking and baking so we were happy to let her be there. We're all hoping this is a new tradition.

Andy did well while we were there, interacting with people and having a good time. The next day he said he had met some really nice people, then couldn't finish his thought. I asked him if he meant when we were at the picnic, and he said, "yes, they were so nice." I told him, "Thanks, they were my relatives." Then we had a good laugh (although I'm not sure he got it!).

I was talking to one of my daughters today who said that everyone thought Andy was doing well, he seemed like he knew who everyone was, etc. But she told them, he is a good faker. So true. He tries really hard when we're with other people. Of course, he is a people person, always very interested in them. He often calls people by their name which, I think is another surprise. But if anyone would engage him in a long conversation, I think they'd soon see what I deal with. And later, if I question him about the conversation he had with someone, he has no clue what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I question his diagnosis, as well, but as soon as I do, he'll ask me how long I'm staying, or how many children I have, etc.  

On Tuesday, we had an appointment with an attorney to sign an advanced medical directive. When I made the appointment, the lawyer said Andy needed to be able to sign his own name. I told her he could, although it would be very illegible because of his tremors. She said that would be ok. He also needed to be able to name his children since they would be in the document. When I told him that, he couldn't do it. He named one, then wanted to include one of our sons-in-law. So I made him practice over the weekend until our appointment. He got it right, although, she didn't ask him to say their names. She showed him the document with the three girls listed and asked him if those were his daughters. He looked at the paper for a while but finally agreed that they were. Whew!

Four days this week, Andy went to The Tender - the Alzheimer's respite care center. What a godsend this is. He wasn't sure about it at first, but finally admitted to me on Friday that he really likes going there, the people are really good people. I can't tell you what a relief this is for me. To know that he is being watched, taken care of, having interaction with others, doing activities that are fun and interesting - as well as being a break for me. Thank you, Lord. And this is all free! The center receives grants (I'm not sure from where - maybe from Alzheimer's.org). They ask people to help donate water, snacks - and I gladly bought a whole shopping bag full of goodies to take to them tomorrow.

It got pretty hot and humid this week so I stayed indoors as much as I could. By dinner time, though, I was pretty tired of being in air conditioning all day, so it was a good time to go out to water some of my new plants and make sure that everything was doing all right.

My coneflowers are beginning to bloom, lots of buds.

Today turned out to be really pleasant so after church, we took a little drive over to a local park and walked along Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown. It's a suburban park but the road by the lake is one way and doesn't get much traffic. We meandered along enjoying the day and the lake on one side and the lovely houses on the other side.

Andy was watching Lord of the Rings today while I was on the computer in the same room with him. It is such a good story. There are certain lines in the film that are very meaningful and remind me of biblical truth.

Gandalf is teaching Frodo about Gollum and his role in the ring saga. Frodo wonders why Gandalf has allowed Gollum to live after all the horrible deeds he has committed. Frodo says Gollum deserves death. Then Gandalf says:

"Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. I have not much hope that Gollum can be cured before he dies, but there is a chance of it. And he is bound up with the fate of the Ring. My heart tells me that he has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before the end..." 

I compare this statement with my situation and the role Alzheimer's will play in our lives. I do wish that Alzheimer's would die...I wish it had never happened to my dear hubbie. But who knows what role it will play yet in our own lives. I do know these things already: it has thrown me into the arms of Jesus, it has shown me my own inadequacy in dealing with life at this point, it has shown me how much I need Jesus to take care of us, it has shown me in so many ways how much God loves me and is providing for our every need.

Another quote I really like from the Lord of the Rings trilogy is when the Lady Galadriel gave Frodo a small crystal phial. She told him: "In this phial is caught the light of Earendil's star, set amid the waters of my fountain. It will shine still brighter when night is about you. May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out."
 
Of course, my light in dark places is the precious Word of God. How it speaks to my heart and gives hope and light in my darkest nights.

Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."

Jesus is both the Word and the Light. 

John 1:1,2 4-5 - "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."