God's Glory, My Good

Every year I write a Christmas letter that I send to our family members and friends, mostly those who live far from us, out of state. This year's letter was really a recounting of the blessings we enjoy, even in the midst of pain and suffering. I have been so encouraged to receive emails and some personal feedback on that letter. What is so encouraging is that God is using my own pain and focus on what God is doing in my pain to minister to others. And actually, when I've received the encouragement from others, it's usually been when I'm feeling down or sorry for myself. So God uses my own words to build myself back up. How kind and patient he is with me. I thought I would include that letter here as a reminder, once again, of how God is ministering to me:

December 2015

Dear Family and Friends,

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Luke 1:38

What an amazing response to the announcement that she was going to be the mother of the Messiah. The Lord really impressed on me that this is an attitude that I wanted to display in my own heart: not digging in my heels or clenching my fists to resist his work, but humbly accepting “bad” as well as good from His hand.

God has used Mary’s attitude to greatly minister to me. My eyes have been opened to the many blessings he has given us. Andy’s Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s illnesses may be deemed horrific and they are. But shall we accept good from God and not trouble? (Job 2:10)

Here are just a few of the blessings we enjoy from the “Blessed Controller of All Things” (1 Timothy 6:15, Phillips translation).

1

  As you can see from our card, God has blessed us with a beautiful family. Three daughters and their husbands have given us 10 grandchildren with 1 more due on Feb. 1. Christy has 5 children, ages 14, 12, 10, 7 & 4; Dawn has 2 children, ages 6, 1½ and one more on the way; Amy has 3 children, ages 9, 7, 5.

2

Another blessing is our church family, who has continued to minister to us. Many friends have stood with us, prayed for us, encouraged us and not abandoned us.

3

 Andy and I have discovered and enjoyed many parks in the county in which we live. Yes, even in South Jersey! Hiking is something we can both do, and we are reaping the benefits of nature therapy!

4

 We are in a season of acceptance of the “new normal.” Andy’s forgetfulness and confusion are not improving, but he is feeling healthy and well. We are enjoying our relationship and will soon be celebrating our 42^nd anniversary! 
5 But even if we enjoyed none of these gifts, we still know the Giver! I was reading in New Morning Mercies about our thanksgiving and was challenged by the author, Paul Tripp, to "never let our enthusiasm for the gifts replace our worship of and service for the Giver." Even if our family is somehow not in our life any more, even if our health is gone, even if we can't get out and enjoy nature as we'd like, God is still good and blesses us with his presence, his everlasting love, his kindness, grace, mercy and abundant life in him. Because Jesus became a baby, put on flesh like one of us, accomplished our salvation by his death on the cross, we have everything we need for this life and the next.

We enjoy Christmas this year because of the best Gift of all! We wish that for you as well.

Andy & Phyllis

This was a good week to put into practice what I believe about God being the "blessed controller of all things." A month or so ago, Andy lost a piece off one of his teeth. I contacted our dentist, a dear friend who attends our church and loves us like we're her own parents. She felt the tooth needed to be built up because if it wasn't taken care of, it would lead to greater problems in the future. We contacted our insurance with her proposal for the work, and they wrote back how much it would cost and that they would not cover it. In the meantime, we were in the middle of the Christmas and New Year holidays. I was beginning to wonder if our dentist was still going to take care of this and determined I would call her on Wednesday. Well, on Tuesday her receptionist called to set up an appointment. She said the Dr. felt we couldn't wait any longer and to come in the next day. The only appointment available at that short notice was at 9:00 in the morning. So I took off work to take Andy to his appointment. 

The Dr. used an anesthesia to numb the area and she noticed Andy was getting anxious. She stopped the anesthesia immediately and administered oxygen which is a calmer. She made a note in his file to never use that particular anesthesia on him again. The work took about an hour and a half and everything seemed to be fine. 

The next day, Andy complained about a headache. He stayed home in bed while I went to work. About an hour into my time, he called to say he wanted to take some medicine for his headache. I told him it was ok to take some ibuprofen. He said he didn't know where it was. I told him it was in the bathroom closet. A few minutes later, he called back to say he still couldn't find the medicine. So I went home and got him a couple of pills and gave them to him. On my way out of the bedroom, I noticed a bottle of aspirin. I asked him if he had taken any aspirin and he said he had. Aghghgghh! I didn't think it was a good idea to take aspirin and ibuprofen and told him so (in a calm voice!!!). He said he had taken it awhile ago, but that wasn't the case because I hadn't been at work that long. Fortunately, there were no ill effects from that.

He stayed in bed most of the day and that night after he was in bed, I was sitting in my chair, reading my Bible. He came out of the bedroom and started wandering into the living room. I asked him where he was going and he said he needed the bathroom. I told him it was in our bedroom and helped him over there. It didn't get any better from there. He was very upset and agitated and couldn't express to me what was wrong. I finally laid down next to him on the bed and stroked his arm and spoke calmly and soothingly to him. He finally calmed down enough for me to leave. 

On Friday, he seemed to feel a lot better. His headache was gone, but he was very confused. Every conversation he tried to start ended in a confusing jumble. I had no idea where he was going or what he wanted to say. He was still also agitated and anxious.

The same thing happened at night time as the night before. He came out of the bedroom very confused and upset. It was difficult to understand what was the problem because he couldn't verbalize it or explain it. It was all pretty irrational.

On Saturday morning, he actually broke down, with tears in his eyes, pleaded with me to take him to the hospital. I asked him why and he said he felt terrible. When asked what hurt, he couldn't explain it. We dealt with this for a while, him trying to tell me how he felt but failing, and me trying to understand and figure out what to do.

I felt that some nature therapy might be helpful but I was so exhausted myself. It had been hard to relax the previous two nights and get the sleep I needed after trying to calm him down. I just had no energy to get up and out. 

Finally, I asked Andy if he minded if I texted the dentist to find out if the anesthesia she had administered was still in his system and causing his anxiety. He was relieved with that idea, so I contacted her and she called me back. Her understanding and care were so helpful. She said the anesthesia would have been out of his system in 3 hours, so that wasn't the problem. What he was dealing with was trying to figure out why he was anxious, but because of his Alzheimer's, his reasoning process was just leading him nowhere - causing his deep distress. When I explained that to Andy, he visibly relaxed and agreed that that was what he was dealing with. Poor guy!

I had read in some Alzheimer's literature at one time, that any time a patient with dementia is administered an anesthetic, it can cause set backs in the memory. 

I don't know if there is still a problem. He seems to be much better emotionally, not anxious today. But he is very confused and none of his sentences make sense - and I do mean NONE. This is not an exaggeration.

He continually thinks other people are in the house. Or if we go on a hike, he'll ask if we're taking anyone with us. Or when we get there, he'll ask if we need to wait for someone to join us. Then when we're hiking, he'll ask where everybody is. It happens often, sometimes as many as 3 or 4 times in one outing. 

This morning as I was doing my hair, he came to the bathroom and told me he needed to talk to me about something. I listened and he said, "I think I'm having a problem with my memory." Oh really?????

This afternoon as we were driving home from our hike, we drove by Dawn & Tommy's house. He knew where we were, obviously, because he asked me if I'd ever been to Phyllis and Tommy's house. I said do you mean Dawn and Tommy? He agreed I was right. And I told him I'd been there many times. 

In a way, this is very sad. In another way, I'm amazed that God is enabling me to deal with this without falling apart. He's giving me the patience I've prayed for. He's giving me enabling strength to endure. 

I feel sorry for him. He tries so hard to express his thoughts. The problem is that he doesn't even know what he's thinking. He'll start on a idea, but can't finish it. I try to help him and understand what he's trying to say, but most of the time, it's impossible because his words are so jumbled up.

I finished reading Grieving with Hope. What a helpful book. I continue to grow in my understanding of God's purpose for us in this world. Life is a good gift, but this world is not our home. Many verses in Scripture remind us that this life is temporary and preparation for our life in eternity. Our goal in this life is to know God and sometimes, the best way to knowing him is to experience him in our deepest needs. We find out how desperately we need him. We are not independent, self sufficient people. 

One of the chapters in Grieving With Hope is: What Grief Teaches Us. He quotes Paul Tripp in the chapter heading:  "God will take us where we do not want to go in order to produce in us what we could not achieve on our own." And here are some of the things grief teaches us:

1. God uses suffering to help us grow.

2. Joy and pain can coexist.

3. Time doesn't heal all wounds..."God is the source of healing, but God isn't a magic wand."

4. You harvest what you sow.

5. Life was always out of control, but God is sovereign (in control)

6. God takes no pleasure in [anyone's] death.

7. Resetting your expectations.

8. God uses suffering for good. 

I highly recommend this book and will keep it handy to read again soon.

We did get out on Tuesday afternoon to hike in the Black Run Preserve again. It has become another favorite.

Then today after lunch we went out again, this time to Smithville Lake. It was pretty cold today - 38 degrees. In fact, as we were finishing up and heading to our car, it started to snow. 

Isn't this an unusual tree?

Romans 8:28-29

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers (and sisters).

Grieving with Hope

A couple of days ago, one of our pastors asked me to order a book for him, Grieving with Hope by Samuel J. Hodges, IV and Kathy Leonard. In the process of ordering, I was interested to read some of the reviews, then decided to order a copy of the book for myself, too.

The book arrived a day ago and I've already begun reading. Because of the busyness of the holidays, I had not been reading as much and I missed the spiritual challenge. I had asked God to lead me to new reading material and here was his answer. 

Although this book deals with the death of a loved one, it has been very helpful to me. In many ways, I feel like I'm already a widow. There has been significant loss: a husband I can confide in, rely on, have significant conversations with, look to for wisdom and insight and help in making decisions, etc.

Chapter 4 deals with Healthy Ways to Relieve Your Pain, some of which are: 
1. listen to music
2. spend time outdoors
3. get a pet - (NO - not this girl!)
4. write in a journal (or blog)
5. serve others
6. read the psalms
7. go to God

I knew it was good to be outside, but there it is in writing. They say that  "not only are there physical benefits from the exercise and fresh air, but there are mental and spiritual benefits, too. Spending time in nature reminds us of the beauty and intricacies of God's creation. Just as many writers in the Bible have discovered, looking at the trees, the sky, and the sun takes your mind off negative thoughts and inspires worship of the Creator."

We didn't go out yesterday, Saturday. I got involved in laundry, grocery shopping and housework. I made 3 loaves of chocolate chip pumpkin bread, which Andy eats as his snack at various times throughout the day. 

It rained all night and into the morning today. I didn't think we would be able to go out but then after lunch, we began to see patches of blue sky. I made the decision to go to Pakim Pond in the Brendan T. Byrne State Forest. We parked at the ranger station and hiked 3 miles to the pond. The weather was gorgeous - unseasonably warm. It felt more like spring or fall at 64 degrees. We hiked in our shirts, taking off our jackets. There are a lot of evergreens in this forest which adds greatly to the beauty of the path. It's an easy trail, sandy and covered with pine needles.

 


I was probably overly ambitious to try to hike 3 miles but it's such a lovely path on a warm day, so why not? And it had been a long time since we'd been to the cedar swamp section on this trail. I always enjoyed the beautiful Atlantic white cedar trees. Many years ago, Andy told me a few tidbits about this tree that I thought were interesting. He said that these trees were used in colonial times as masts for their boats because they grew tall and straight and were resistant to decay. They are fairly rare, though, because they require pretty specific habitat for growth. They thrive in wet or swampy ground and mostly at low elevations. Does that sound like south Jersey???

We were feeling quite good in walking the three miles to the pond but I have to admit, the three miles felt a lot longer. We finally made it. We sat on the bench on the shore, but the thought of hiking another three miles to get back to our car got us up and moving again.

The three miles back seemed doubly long. I was sure we were on the right path and was trying not to question myself. I certainly didn't verbalize my angst because I didn't want to stress Andy out. He said his knees and feet were hurting. The sun was getting lower in the sky, it was getting late...but we did make it. Whew! That was quite a workout: 6 miles in 2 hours!

As tired as we were, the outdoors was good therapy for us today. We could walk in the woods and almost forget about our troubles.

As I was feeling like a widow, the Lord reminded me that he watches over the orphan and the widow. How comforting these verses are:

Psalm 68:4-5 - "Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds - his name is the LORD and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."

Psalm 146:9 - "The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow."

The Wallin Christmas 2015

My title is actually a misnomer on two counts: there are only 2 Wallins, with 7 Lindsays, 4 Sherfs and 5 Eberlys in our family. Andy and I are slightly outnumbered, although I guess we can still claim the name since we started the whole thing of our family! The other detail that contributes to the misnomer is the year. We actually celebrated our family Christmas on New Year's Day 2016. In spite of those incorrect details, we had a good time together. 

The girls and I provided the food and the presents. There are a lot of people to fit in our dining room but we still manage to make it work so that we can all be at the same table in the same room.

 

It was a challenge getting 17 people in the picture but mission accomplished! I didn't realize Katy had her tongue out, but I'm keeping her in because it's a great improvement over her crying whenever a camera was pointing at her! It also provides proof of her mischievous personality.

After the meal, we all moved to the living room to open the presents. Everyone waited patiently for their turn. We had everyone wait as we went from youngest to oldest.

It's very satisfying to see their pleased expressions as they open their gifts.

All too soon it was time for everyone to leave. It was wild and crazy while they were here - a nice change from the usual quiet at our house.

Andy and I have "found" a new place to hike. At least it's new to us. A friend told me about it and then I just had to go explore it. We went Thursday afternoon since I finished work early. It's the Black Run Preserve - only a few miles from our house. It's a gem. There are lots of trails with woods, water, trees - everything we so enjoy.

This preserve is a real find. It is a 1,300 acre parcel of land set aside for preservation. There are many trails. On Thursday, we started on the green trail which became the blue trail, then we switched to the orange trail, which connected to the purple trail. There are also a black trail, white trail and red trail, all of which we have yet to explore. 

On Saturday after I did the laundry and ran the vacuum cleaner, we decided to go back. It was a beautiful day, perfect for hiking. I much prefer to hike in winter where we don't have to worry about sweating or dealing with annoying bugs. We donned hats, scarves, gloves and fleeces and were quite comfortable. It's not so cold in the woods, anyway, where the wind is not as fierce because of the trees. 

I love how the sun sparkles on the water.

We took a side tour onto "Bog Spur."
 

Then we saw this tree that had fallen, creating an unusual shape. The forest is amazing - always something interesting to see and experience.

As much fun as we had with all the holiday festivities, I confess I'm glad to get back to the routine and familiar.

Christmas Week 2015

We fit a lot in for us: Christmas Eve service, hike on Christmas Day, sleep-over with Kira on Christmas evening, trip to Berks County for my side of the family get-together. 

It was a lot of fun but now we're paying the price. Hopefully, resting up today will have us up and back to normal again tomorrow. 

I've been thinking Andy is going through a pretty long stretch of good health. His Alzheimer's and Parkinson's are still evident but otherwise, he's feeling well. This is a blessing. I've tried to keep as close to routine as possible, thinking that a break in the accustomed schedule might be harmful and cause a set-back.

But sometimes, you just have to get outside the norm and experience some change to liven things up. It didn't help that the last week has seen rain, rain, rain with gray and gloomy skies. We just had to get out. So on Christmas Day, we drove over to Amico Island and took a stroll on the hiking trails. There were puddles to walk around and the ground was quite squishy in many places, but in the time we were there, the rain held off. The weather was so warm that there was a mist rising off the river. 

We walked a trail I don't think we had been on before, going through a large stand of river birches.

Then we found this black willow with four huge trunks rising from the root (although in this picture, only three trunks are visible).

 
Kira had asked a month or so ago if she could sleep over at our house with a special request to sleep in the apartment upstairs. Since no one is currently up there and she has off school this week, it seemed like a good time to fulfill her request. Dawn brought her over Christmas evening. 

We played games, watched a Veggie Tales video, read a bed time story, then went to sleep. Actually, it was hard to settle down because excitement was running high. Kira was so excited she was bouncing around on her bed. She told me she couldn't sleep and asked what she could do. She came up with her own idea of "counting sheep." Then proceeded to count out loud. At one point, she was so excited, that in her bouncing around, she fell off the bed. It was quite entertaining. We finally did get to sleep, though.

The next morning, there was breakfast, more games, fun with Poppop, 

and another Veggie Tales video before getting in the car for a trip to Berks County. My brother hosted a pizza party for my side of the family at his house. I had originally decided to go by myself and leave Andy home with his parents. But his mom and dad were sick all Christmas Day and still weren't feeling well on Saturday, so I felt sorry for Andy being home by himself all day and asked him if he wanted to come along. I wasn't going to drive, but planned to go with Tommy and Dawn in their new van so there was plenty of room for Andy, too.  

It was a very long two hours in the car even though we were with the kids and I didn't have to drive. We had a good time connecting with family when we got there. All of our girls and their families were there which was special. One of my sisters and one of my brothers were there, as well as my mother.

Andy and I both had a good time connecting and I got comments that remarked how good Andy seemed. Yes, he did - but today is a different story! I think it is good for him to be around people but it is also very exhausting for him. He tries very hard to be coherent but the effort takes its toll.

Then it was another two hours for the trip home. He was tired so he went to bed fairly early. I stayed up later and tried to read to make myself sleepy. I was in the front room when I heard someone walking around. When I went to check, it was Andy. He was confused and said he didn't know where I was. He was anxious and I had a hard time calming him down. When I asked him in the morning about it, he didn't remember anything. 

We didn't go to church yesterday. I was pretty tired and he must have taken 3 or 4 naps throughout the day. We just stayed in the house, I sat in my relaxin' chair most of the day.

Well, hopefully, I'll be feeling up to partying again by the end of the week when we will have everyone over to our house for more Christmas togetherness. We still have lots of presents under our tree for the children and grandchildren.

Still Processing

In Garrison's Keillor's stories about the make believe Lake Wobegone, there is a church with the name of Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility. While this draws a chuckle from his audiences, it also strikes close to home. 

This past week I had several people who are very close to me express their concern that I was taking too much responsibility on myself, and I needed to make time in my life for a break. I have all kinds of "reasons" why I can't take a break, why I have to keep going...but I have to admit, I also began to feel a breath of fresh air at the thought of being free - if only for a day or two.

So what does that mean for me...what can I do to refresh myself...to keep from being constantly exhausted?

Right now, I don't know the answer, but I'm processing and thinking through some ideas. I like the idea of getting away for a long weekend. At the same time, I struggle with making sure Andy is taken care of while I'm gone. That could involve a lot of prep work, leaving a schedule, training someone else, and then trusting that person to do what currently only I know and do with him. Then when I return, will I have to pick up the pieces and deal with issues that might not have happened if I had stayed "on the job"?

My first trial was a night out on Thursday. Dawn's friends gave her a "sprinkle," which is a new term in my book. In actuality, it was a baby shower. So I put on a movie for Andy with instructions to take his pills before bed and a promise that I would be back. It was a good time with Dawn and her friends (my friends, too!), and I even won the baby bingo game! When I got home, Andy was in bed and he had taken his pills. Yeah! We both survived.

I left work around noon on Friday and felt the call of the woods. It had been several weeks since our last hike - too long. We went to Palmyra Cove and walked in the woods which is a little less windy than the river trail. It was a cold and windy day, but there were some occasional blue patches of sky.

I need to constantly remind myself to get out in nature...what a catharsis it is to my soul. It doesn't matter if it's cold. Just dress more warmly but get OUT. Make the effort. I never regret it. Saturday was even colder and very windy, but off we went again, this time to Long Bridge Park. We took the long way around - probably a total of 2 or more miles. I like the trails in this park because they go through patches of holly trees and evergreens. So even though it's winter, there's still color in some areas.

There is much data to gather and think through. I like being with Andy, but I also see the value in getting away from our situation in order to gain some fresh perspective and be refreshed. I'm sure the Lord will guide me in this journey. He has promised to give wisdom to those who ask...and I'm asking!

Friends

The first time I heard Friends, I cried like a baby. It was our last Sunday in our church in Richland, Washington. Andy had read his resignation three weeks prior to this and a friend got up and sang this song in our honor. Leaving this church was the second hardest thing I ever went through (first was the loss of our first child). We had very dear friends in this church, relationships were dear. When I went to my close friends to tell them Andy was resigning, I spent hours crying with them. It was such a difficult time. Then this guy gets up and sings this song:

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

Songwriters
SMITH/SMITH

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group

What made the song extra sad for me was that even though the words sung promised that we would always live as friends, I had no idea if I'd ever see them again. After all, we were moving 3,000 miles away from them. 

As sad as it is to lose a friend, I'd have it no other way. Friends enrich our lives in so many ways. And different friends bring out different characteristics in us. As it happened, I did get to go back to Richland several times, once with Andy and twice by myself. The most recent trip was the year before Andy became ill. I spent 5 days with Jeanie and Helene. These two are such fun...we laugh a lot together. And we visit tea/coffee shops. And we taste test anything that's out on plates in those same shops. 

 Aren't they beautiful!

But God has his friends for me wherever we end up. When we began attending our church in 1987, God provided many more to my list of people who were special and important to me. One of those actually became my neighbor when we moved next door to her and her family. Who would know how important that relationship would become, especially as she welcomed her mom, struggling with dementia, into her home to care for her. Then two years ago, when Andy was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, we felt a deeper kinship as we shared our struggles together. How I depended on her prayers and encouragement as I went through deep waters.

Earlier this week, I received an email invitation from a friend to a Christmas brunch their community group was having on Saturday morning. I eagerly said yes and we joined 5 other couples for a delightful morning of fellowship, not to mention awesomely delicious food.

Without Marcia

Without Bob

How good of God to supply these kinds of relationships for our enjoyment and encouragement.

God created us for relationship. The Old Testament kings and prophets knew God considered Abraham as his friend. In 2 Chronicles 20:7, King Jehoshaphat mentions in his prayer that God drove out the inhabitants of the land to give it forever to the descendants of "Abraham your friend." And in Isaiah 41:8, God speaks through the prophet: "But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend..." 

He is the most amazing Friend of all. Jesus told his disciples in the Upper Room that he would no longer call them his servants. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends." 

Jesus is always with me...he never leaves me or forsakes me. He does not pack his bags and move 3,000 miles away! He always gives me just what I need for every circumstance and situation as I go through this life. His love is unconditional, too. It doesn't depend on my behavior or mood. That is amazing in itself. I think I'd be tempted to send me to my room till I can change my attitude! But the reality is that I can't change my attitude without his help. I need him every hour, every minute, every second. I live and move and have my being in him. (Acts 17:28)

I'm currently reading J.I. Packer's God Has Spoken. He beautifully writes about our relationship with God:

..."God's purpose in revelation is to make friends with us. It was to this end that He created us rational beings, bearing His image, able to think and hear and speak and love; He wanted there to be genuine personal affection and friendship, two-sided, between Himself and us -- a relation, not like that between a man and his dog, but like that of a father to his son, or a husband to his wife. Loving friendship between two persons has no ulterior motive; it is an end in itself. And this is God's end in revelation. He speaks to us simply to fulfill the purpose for which we were made; that is, to bring into being a relationship in which He is a friend to us, and we to Him, He finding His joy in giving us gifts and we finding ours in giving Him thanks." 
 

What a Friend we have in Jesus.