I had a number of appointments this week. One of those was with an elder care attorney. That meeting was very good and encouraging. She assured me that she could work up the paperwork to protect our assets, as well as provide care for Andy if I needed to pay for professional help.
I was so encouraged and pleased with the way Andy had prepared for our future, thanking God over and over that I was taken care of. But I felt cautioned in my spirit that I needed to be prepared in the next day or two to come crashing down.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. I did not sleep well that night, so the next day I was exhausted. It was a good recipe for depression and tears, but God was gracious to me and met me in my need. A dear friend face-timed me on her vacation to inquire how our appointments went and expressed genuine concern. Her care lifted my spirits and I really wasn't exhausted any more! How good is the God we adore.
The same day I met with the attorney, Andy had another appointment at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging at Rowan University, meeting with a Dr. White. I was in on the appointment with Andy. Dr. White is a geriatrics physician and spent an hour or more asking questions of the both of us. He was very kind and compassionate, even tearing up at several points in the course of our conversation. He mentioned a couple of times that Andy was so young. He also commented that we had a loving relationship. Apparently, he and other doctors who care for dementia patients experience hostility and anger from many of those patients. What a gift it is to have Andy remain pleasant, congenial, kind and loving. In fact, I think he has become more so. He is so conscious of trying to make my life easier. I don't think he knows how hard it really is, but he has always been intuitive and that quality is still there.
The next day, we went back down to Rowan University to meet with a social worker who again spent time talking to us, asking questions, getting Andy's history. In order to get an accurate understanding of where Andy is, she instructed me to not interrupt, but to let Andy answer the questions she asked. It was painful and pitiful. He couldn't even answer the names of his siblings. He couldn't remember where we had lived, how long we had lived in NJ, where we had lived before that, what jobs he had. I felt so bad for him...he struggled to answer, but just couldn't. He also tried to explain why he couldn't, but was unable to complete his thoughts/sentences. As bad as I felt for him, it was really a very accurate picture of the stage he is in right now. Again, this woman was very compassionate and kind, and she teared up several times during the appointment, too, even blowing her nose at one point. I told her I thought the disease was progressing rapidly and she agreed.
She spent almost two hours with us, and at one point, mentioned that there must have been "a reason" why her next appointment had canceled.
I have been thinking it might be time for me to start hiring some help in the mornings as we get ready for our day. I need to help Andy every step of the way. He can't find the toothbrush or the toothpaste. He can't figure out what to wear so I get his clothes out for him. He can't get his breakfast ready. He can't work the tv and remotes. This morning, he didn't remember that he was going to take his shower. He came looking for me to ask what he was supposed to do.
I'm trying to give him instructions along the way. If I need to leave him to get my own shower, I tell him to sit in his chair until I come out. Then I will make his breakfast. So far, that seems to work.
I was advised to get Andy clothes that he could just pull on - no buttons or zippers or belts. I already had plenty of short sleeved shirts that he's been wearing all summer, but all his long sleeved shirts had buttons down the front. So on Friday afternoon, we went shopping. He tried on some long pants, as well as pull over shirts. I cleaned out his closet and we took a trip to Good Will. It seemed a shame to get rid of all those shirts, but "it is what it is and that's the end of the matter." (C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity)
With all of this activity and change, I was reminded of the song we used to sing, Does Jesus Care?
- Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?- Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
- Refrain:
- Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near? - Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long? - Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
I read a statement in Grieving with Hope that encouraged me. The title of one of the sections was "Know that Grief is an Expression of Love." Zig Ziglar was quoted as saying, "Grief is the recognition that you've lost someone you love. It's the price you pay for loving someone, because if there were no love, there'd be no grief."
And that reminded me of the saying which is part of a poem that Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
This morning Andy wasn't feeling well and we stayed home from church. We sat on our deck and enjoyed the morning. At one point, Andy told me he thought I needed help and encouraged me to take steps to make it happen. I was really surprised, but as I mentioned above, he is very intuitive, and it was another affirmation to me that the Lord is going before me. He is with me in the journey, guiding, leading, and he really does care. What a comfort to rest in his all sufficiency.
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