The Adventure Continues

Andy's tremors seem to be noticeably worsening. His right hand shakes almost continuously. It's got to be annoying for him. His chin also shakes a lot. He often mentions how exhausted he is, and I can't help but think that the constant shaking is causing that exhaustion. He also struggles with depression and anxiety, becoming anxious about things that aren't real or are distorted from the true picture.

He was feeling especially down on Tuesday morning, so I played one of my songs on my phone for him. We sat at the kitchen table and listened to Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer.  By the time we got to the second verse, Andy spontaneously began praying. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear him very well over the music, plus he was speaking quietly. But I did hear words like, "your mercy...grace...love." Tears were flowing down his cheeks as the Lord ministered to him. When the song was finished, he said, "I think she wrote that song just for me." I feel the same way every time I listen to that one. 

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart’s testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

He has seemed extra confused this week. One day as we sat at the table, he asked me where I'd been the last couple of days. I told him I'd been around. Then he said he was glad to have me back!

Another time he asked me when I had arrived here. I told him I'd been here awhile.

One thing I've been thankful for is that he seems to sleep really well. But that might be changing. One morning this week, he woke up at 4:00 or so. He doesn't know what to do if I'm not around. He wanders around the house in confusion. 

Then on Thursday night, I was sound asleep, when all of a sudden, I was awakened because the light went on. He stood at the door and said he didn't know this room was part of our house. I got up and told him he needed to go to bed. As I walked around, I noticed that every light in the house was on. He'd been up, wandering around, probably trying to figure out where I was.

When we had been at Rowan University for our appointment with the social worker, she had cautioned me to take care of myself. She's not the only person who has told me that. Although I agree to the need to take care of myself and not let the stress get to me, realistically, I wonder what choice I have. There's no doubt that Andy needs to be watched 24/7. I need to pay attention to what he is doing. He can never be left alone. 

I don't think he's at the point yet where I should be hiring home health aides. And even if he was, I still need to think about how to pay for that service. I did call one company to tell them I'd like help for an hour every morning as I get ready for work. But they want a minimum of 3 hours at $20 an hour. 

Then I discovered there might be grants available for people where I can get home health care for free!  So I will be looking into that and filling out an application.

Another thing the social worker told me is that we are called "human beings," not human doings. It is better to be than to do. Let the to-do lists go and concentrate on being. Well, that is actually a biblical concept. God is not interested in our "works" as much as he is in our character. Are we persevering in our trials, growing in our faith, trusting in our heavenly Father?

I confess that I am a do-er. I love to make my lists and cross off items as they are accomplished. And sometimes there is therapy that results from action. In my opinion, though,  there is a place for doing. Of course, there is moderation in all things. If all we did was sit in a monastery and meditate, concentrating on being, what would we accomplish? It is good to remember, that whatever we do, we do in God's strength, who works through us. Apart from him we can do nothing.

I felt good yesterday morning and was highly motivated. So I took advantage of that mood and made my list. I spent the morning in my kitchen baking while getting the laundry done. Since fall begins on Wednesday, I just had to make pumpkin butterscotch muffins. They turned out yummy. 

 For anyone who is interested, here is the recipe.

I also made a batch of rolls.

The weather broke a little and we had time in the afternoon, so I decided to get out to a park. We went to Smithville Park and I was surprised by how pleasant it was. The sun was pretty hot, but under the trees, there was a nice breeze and it was very comfortable. We only walked .7 of a mile, resting at every bench we came to. 

It's obviously not a very deep lake with all those lily pads. There were several herons on the water but they were too far away to get a good picture of them.

I didn't know how Andy would do with the hike. It seems like the last time we went even a short distance, he was extra tired for a couple of days afterward. And I think the same thing happened this time. His tremors were pronounced this morning. We went to church, but he was in such distress that we left partway through the message. He hasn't felt well all day but it's hard for him to express what the problem is. 

So many people constantly tell me they're praying for us. It means so much to hear them say that. I know God is answering all those prayers because how could I make it otherwise? The other day, a friend I hadn't seen for several years, gave me a pussy willow from her green house. After I planted it, I sent her a picture. She texted me back to say that every time I looked at that plant, I was supposed to remember that they were praying for us. How kind of the Lord to place these dear people in our lives to continually bring us to His attention.

At one point yesterday, I looked out my kitchen window and there in the bush was a sleeping bird. When I pointed my camera at him, he opened his eyes.

I love the birds. They remind me that God loves them and knows every one. He knows when one falls to the ground, but we are much more valuable than they.

Matthew 6:26 - "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

This morning a friend texted me to tell me she was frightened because she starts chemo this week for her breast cancer. The Lord led me to text her back with Psalm 94:19:

"When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

There is nothing that can comfort and bring peace like God's Word. It is as necessary to my spirit as food is for the body.