Jesus Carries Me

Dear Angie,

A friend recently loaned my your book, I Will Carry You. About 2 years ago, my husband, Andy, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  Then a couple months later, the diagnosis of Parkinson's was added to the Alzheimer's. Needless to say, this was very difficult to deal with. Andy has been a pastor for many years, a Senior Pastor as well as Associate Pastor. God has blessed us with a loving, wonderful relationship with many good friends. Since Andy's diagnosis, our church has rallied around us, offered many prayers in our behalf, as well as helped us financially with a huge love offering.

When my friend loaned me your book, I think her purpose was to encourage me in my walk with the Lord in the trial we are facing right now. Your testimony of the Lord's grace, comfort, and presence during your pregnancy with Audrey and subsequent loss really blessed me and I cried many tears as I read your story. What my friend didn't know is that almost 40 years ago, Andy and I also had a child that died. Our situation was different than yours in that, we didn't know ahead of time that our child would not live. I felt movement from our baby even the day before I went into labor. Ultrasounds were not done that long ago, so there was no reason to suspect anything might be wrong. But even if there had been an ultrasound, I don't know that things would have turned out differently. I went into labor at 43 weeks. Yes, that's right, I was 3 weeks overdue. When we were in labor, the nurse tried to find the baby's heart beat, but was unable to detect it. I was hooked up to ekg and monitoring machines, but still no heartbeat. I was in labor for 24 hours and was told I would deliver a still born baby. The doctor wanted to give me an anesthetic so that I would be unconscious when the baby was born. He said it would be better if I didn't see the baby because it would be easier to bear if I never got attached. If I knew then what I know now, I would have insisted that I be allowed to see the baby. But I was young and inexperienced, and the whole thing caught us so off guard. The doctor seemed to think the baby may be starting to decompose and wouldn't be good to look at. However, after the delivery, he told us that the baby was perfect, with blond hair and blue eyes. He weighed in at 9 pounds, 5 ounces! The hospital took care of the burial but Andy and I never got to see our precious son or hold him. I still cry when I think about this. Things are different today. I think doctors, nurses and health care officials are much more sensitive to the need for connection to the life the mother has been carrying and preparing for.

There were a number of evidences of God's fingerprints involved over my reading of your book and my personal circumstance. Before reading your book, I had just finished Jesus Wept by Bruce Marchiano. He uses the story of Jesus with Mary, Martha and Lazarus to show how Jesus sympathizes and shares our sorrow. So your using the same example was another affirmation of the truth. 

I had never heard of you, but when I googled you to find out more about you, I discovered you were the wife of Todd Smith, lead singer in Selah. This was another little evidence of God orchestrating details because I had recently heard some of Selah's songs and even downloaded two of them. And then I saw you were also involved with the Women of Faith, so you have the potential for many opportunities to minister to hurting women.

I love the title you chose for your book because it's a beautiful picture of how God carries us, protects us, nurtures us, loves us lavishly even while we are so needy, inadequate and terribly flawed.

Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability in telling your story. It had to be very difficult, but I've found that even though life is hard, it's therapeutic to talk/blog/share about it and wrestle with the grace of God through it all. He is writing our story, and his desire in everything that he allows to touch us is that we become more like Jesus. Hard times also remind us that this is not our home, this is only a temporary stepping stone to our eternal home. Some day we will see our babies again and spend eternity with them and our dear Savior.

I pray that you would continue to grow in your walk with the Lord. God bless you.

 

A Sister in Christ...

Jeremy's Birthday and More Hiking

Tomorrow is January 26.  This is a significant day for us.  If our baby boy had lived, he would be 39 years old tomorrow.  No matter how much time goes by, I can never forget that experience.  The pain isn't as intense, but I am still greatly moved in my spirit whenever I remember the little boy we gave birth to but never saw.  

Thirty-nine years have made a great difference in the way still births are handled.  Perhaps facebook and social media have helped.  People who know they are carrying a baby that will die at or soon after birth, hire photographers to record the moments pictorially.  I think this is wonderful.  We had no idea what we were facing when I went into labor.  So even if it were today, I don't know if we would have been prepared with having a photo shoot on the agenda.  

Another thing that is so good about today's medical personnel...they realize how critical it is to the grieving parents to hold their newborn and be able to connect.  The grieving process involves seeing, touching, holding that precious baby, even if that baby is not alive.  After all, that baby was part of us.  We nurtured, dreamed and were excited about this baby joining our family. 

But thirty-nine years ago, the doctors told us it would be best if we didn't see the baby...we would get too attached and it would be harder to get over the pain.  Excuse me???  Afterwards, I felt cheated when the doctor told me that the baby was perfect with blond hair and blue eyes.  Why did he get to see the baby and I didn't?  It wasn't his baby!  

But that's the way it was back then.  And even in that, God gave the strength to endure.  For more detail about that experience, read this and this.

I've been somewhat amused by articles that are all over the internet about the stupid things people say to those who go through suffering.   If I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I do, then even what people say to me when I suffer, is allowed by God for my good and his glory.  I can't help but think that people are at a loss to know the right things to say so they say the first thing that pops into their heads.  Often, it is stupid and senseless, I agree.  But I really believe that people don't intend to be stupid and hurtful.  They really are trying to be helpful.

I'll never forget when I was pregnant with our second baby, I met a woman who noticed my obviously pregnant body and asked if I had any other children.  I told her our first baby was still born.  It was an awkward moment and she blurted out:  "Praise the Lord!"  I don't know if she remembers that all these years later, but I feel sorry for her.  I'm sure she was embarrassed and wished she could take back that statement to say something more like:  "I will pray for you as you carry this baby.  I'm sure that was a difficult trial.  How did you experience the Lord's comfort during that time? etc. etc. etc."  

Often these moments creep up on us and we are unprepared with a well thought out, comforting discourse to those in need.  Even though I've experienced difficulty and I should be an expert at giving comfort, I make mistakes, too.  So I need to be gracious to those who want to offer comfort and not be critical of their imperfect ways to show their love and concern.

There is only one perfect Comforter and it is not I or any of my friends.

In this current trial with Andy's illness, I've been very thankful that we both enjoy getting outside to hike and delight in the beauties of God's creation.

We're so excited that we're on the other side of the shortest day of the year.  The days are lengthening even though they're still really cold and there are lots of snow storm forecasts.  We were able to get in two hikes this week.

Our missionary friends from Brazil were here for several weeks and we were able to get in a hike with them at the Palmyra Cove Nature Center.  It's along the Delaware River, a park we discovered about a month ago.  There are lots of trails in this park, some winding along the river, some going back into the woods and even by a beaver pond.  We saw several deer several times along the way.  There was ice at the edge of the river, but it was a very nice day with the temperature in the 40's.

It was so gray and gloomy, but it wasn't too cold.  Andy and I prefer to hike in the winter anyway.  We don't have to worry about ticks and you can walk fast to get warm without getting hot and sweaty.

Today after church, the sun came out and we decided to go exploring.  We had never been to the Medford Park so went to investigate.  There were intermittent blue skies and the trail was very wet and muddy in spots but it was another nice day to be outside.  Besides, a big storm is forecast for tomorrow, and who knows if we'll be able to get out again for a while.

It cracks us up that nearly every body of water in New Jersey has to have these signs with all the things you are not allowed to do. 

This is obviously an old park with huge magnificent trees.

 

This park is right in the middle of old town Medford.  And even though we've lived quite close, we never realized it was here.

When we lived out west, we were often amazed at all the lovely public parks available to enjoy.  And at the same time wished that New Jersey had parks to hike in, picnic in and take our families to.  Our wish came true!  Or maybe we were just unaware back then of all that was available.  I am more inclined to believe, though, that public awareness of nature and taking care of our earth are contributing to the desire of our local county and state governments to provide places for people to enjoy the beauties of nature.

Whatever the reason, we're thankful for the opportunity to enjoy the world God has made.

Psalm 19:1-4
The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the works of his hand.  
Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

As difficult as it was to go through the experience of losing our first born baby, imagine our joy when one year later (and it was a very long year), I gave birth to our little daughter, Christy. February 11 is her birthday and what a day it was. Our mourning turned to gladness and God gave us comfort and joy instead of sorrow (Jeremiah 31:13) when we looked into that beautiful newborn face. We felt God's loving embrace as we held that sweet baby. Two years later, on February 3, God blessed us with another daughter, Dawn. And another 2 1/2 years after Dawn, Amy was born on August 24.

It's funny how expert a young couple can feel toward parenting before they actually have children. But that expertise quickly turns to feelings of inadequacy and total dependence on the Lord when reality hits. I remember many times crying out to God as King Jehoshophat did: "Oh Lord, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you" (2 Chronicles 20:12). And in desperation, I often reminded God of His promise to give wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5). Dealing with little people like us, with sin natures and selfish hearts, is more difficult in reality than all the parenting theories ever thought of or written about.

Our parenting years had ups and downs, joys and sorrows, hard times and good times. I feel so blessed that God was with us every step of the journey. He promised to never leave us and He kept that promise. All of our daughters are now in their 30's with beautiful families of their own, learning life's valuable lessons as they raise their children to know and love God. Raising children helps us grow and mature in our own walk with the Lord. When we teach our children to share, we realize how selfish we are. Or when we preach to them about having the right attitude toward others, we are convicted about how critical and self-righteous we are. But that's the beauty of parenting. We learn that we cannot live the Christian life. Only Jesus can and we need Him living through us in the power of the cross and resurrection in order to be like Him.

Even though our children are raised, we continue to parent. As long as we continue to live, our prayer is to be an encouragement and support to them. And we're in a very good spot right now because we don't just have children, we now have grandchildren! Our hearts are full and our house is, too, when they're all here with us.

Words that come to mind to describe each daughter are:
Christy: strong, in charge, capable, compassionate
Dawn: loyal, loving, focused, steady, talented
Amy: fun, flower-child, lover of nature and the outdoors

Each one unique and special in her God-given gifts and abilities

[We] have no greater joy than to hear that [our] children are walking in the truth. (3 John 4)

We named him Jeremy

He would be 36 today - January 26th.

Jeremy is the English version of Jeremiah which means "God exalts." Jeremiah was also the weeping prophet. We certainly did a lot of weeping when our own Jeremy died. In spite of the sorrow, God encouraged and comforted us. God exalted Jeremy to the heavens with Himself, to never feel pain or sorrow himself. Of course, we miss him and have wistful thoughts about what it would have been like to raise a son.

Even though we were totally shocked at the death of our baby, God was not. How could I have imagined when I was a little girl playing with my dolls pretending to be a mommy, that my first born child would be born dead? And yet God knew. It was in His plan for me. He knew even before that, though, before I was born, before my own mother was born, etc. Back in eternity, God knew every detail of the events surrounding Jeremy's birth and death. He knows the end from the beginning and was not surprised by what happened to us.

Although I never held our little boy, I believe our little Jeremy is safe in the arms of Jesus. And one day I will see him.

Giving Birth to Death

January 26, 1976 - the 33rd anniversary of the birth and death of our baby son, Jeremy.

After 2 years of marriage, Andy & I found out we were going to have a baby. How exciting! Ever since I was a very little girl, my heart's desire had been to have babies and raise a family. I enjoyed the pregnancy. Oh, I was a little nauseous the first 3 months, but it was so minor in comparison to the excitement I felt on having a baby. I was due January 5, 1976, but in December, around the 3rd week, my doctor announced that I could go into labor at any time. My body was getting ready.

I don't know why the doctor told me that because it just made me think the end was near, when in reality, my due date came and went, with no sign that I was anywhere near going into labor. One week overdue, two weeks overdue...At week 42 of my pregnancy, the doctor examined me and promised that if I hadn't delivered by next week's appointment, he would induce me.

The day before my appointment, I finally went into labor. It was exactly 43 weeks. We got to the hospital, were admitted to a labor room and got settled in. There was a stethoscope lying on the bedside table and on a whim, Andy put it in his ears to listen to the baby's heartbeat. He listened and listened but couldn't hear anything. I was thinking, "well, he's not a doctor, he doesn't know what he's doing." But he was concerned enough to go get a nurse. The nurse, probably to placate him, tried the stethoscope as well, but didn't have any success either. So she called the doctor. I still wasn't concerned. I had heard that sometimes it's hard to get the baby's heartbeat when you're in labor...etc. But the doctor could not hear a heartbeat, then ordered an EKG machine to be hooked up to me. I think it might have been that evening that it was determined that our baby was not living (even now I don't like to use the word "dead.") How could this be? Being pregnant, giving birth are supposed to be happy events. But not this time.

The doctor said I would probably be in labor a long time since the baby would not be "helping" me. And I was. I got to the hospital around 3:00 pm on Sunday, was in labor all night and the next morning and finally delivered at 3:00 pm on Monday afternoon. The doctor wanted me to be put to sleep for the delivery. His reason was that he didn't know how long the baby had been dead and in what condition the body would be. He thought it would be easier on me emotionally if I never saw the baby. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't followed that advice, but I was so tired and in tremendous grief and shock, that I listened to him.

So Andy and I never saw our baby. The doctor told us he had blond hair and blue eyes and was perfect! He was 9 pounds, 5 ounces! I have to admit, I resent the fact that the doctor saw our baby, but we never did. How I longed to hold that precious little one. But that was 33 years ago, before we knew what we do now about grief.

I contracted a urinary tract infection and had to end up staying in the hospital for a couple of days. Believe it or not, they put me in the maternity ward to recover. I could hear babies crying in the night. And one time a nurse came into the room and told me to prepare myself, they would be bringing the babies around soon. When I made no move to do as she said, she repeated her instruction, so I had to tell her: "my baby is dead."

When I finally recovered physically and was released from the hospital, then I had to deal with the ache of empty arms. Needless to say, there were lots and lots of tears.

We decided to name our baby, Jeremy. That name is a derivative of Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. It also means: God's appointed. Our son was appointed to be with God forever. God told Jeremiah: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." (Jeremiah 1:5) God knew what was going to happen to our little boy and had control over all our circumstances.

Our friends and family were so kind and supportive during our grieving time. And how can we explain the goodness of God to us. He ministered to us, comforted us, was near to us, gracious, merciful and loving in so many ways. His Word was so precious and comforting, especially Psalm 145, we drew great strength and comfort from that Psalm of David (who also lost a son). Even today, I think that is my favorite psalm.

What caused our baby to die in the womb? I don't know. The doctor decided I was gestational diabetic which would explain the bigness of the baby. But I'm not convinced. They had done the normal urine testing throughout my pregnancy and there had been no concern then.

The hospital buried the baby's body for us in a beautiful spot on the top of a hill in Portland, Oregon. The cemetery has a section for babies and children. It's a very scenic location overlooking the city of Portland, and on a clear day, you can see Mount Hood in the distance.
Of course, which would we rather have: a beautiful spot for our baby's grave or a baby in our arms to love, cuddle and raise? The Lord did hear the cry of our hearts, though, and one year later, we were blessed with our little Christy. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord."So does time heal our hurts? Well, in some ways the pain lessens in intensity and you don't think about the hurt nearly as often as when it's fresh. But triggers go off and those triggers are often unexpected. A number of months ago, there was a couple who was dedicating their baby in church. Pastor mentioned that there had been concern for the baby because the mother had gestational diabetes. There was the trigger - and I couldn't hold back the tears. Another huge trigger was when our pastor and his wife lost their baby in a pool drowning. I remember the pain of feeling their pain, but also feeling all over again the pain and loss of our own baby. And as recently as a couple of weeks ago, a family in our church had a son who was murdered in Italy where he was living with his wife and 2 children. He might have been the same age as our son if he had lived to adulthood, and I could empathize with them in their sorrow.

And it's painful to relive this and write about our experience, but at the same time therapeutic to remember not only the pain, but that the Lord was there with us and helping us through the trial. We cling to Him because He is all we have left. He sympathizes with us in our weakness, for God Himself had a Son who was killed. He understands and gives us the hope to keep on living.

I recently read an excellent article in the October 4, 2008 issue of World: Giving Birth to Grief. A man who had lost an adult son wrote the article but expressed so well how grief feels and the processes we go through in our grief.

I think it's interesting that death is so much a part of our existence here on earth, after all, everyone dies, but it is still such a shock and surprise when it happens. But one day, (what a glorious hope we have in Christ), death will be destroyed forever. "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Corinthians 15:54-57)