How are you doing?

It's been a rough week.  I guess I didn't realize how difficult it had been until someone at church this morning asked me how I was doing.  It was a polite greeting, and I could have said, "fine" with a plastic smile.  But I couldn't help it...I burst into tears.  Fortunately, she was a true friend who just grabbed me, gave me a bear hug and started praying over me right there in public.  I was telling Andy later that God blesses us in giving us Himself - and that would be enough.  But he blesses us further in giving us friends who minister Jesus to us.  He also blesses us with His Word and godly people who have gone before us who have written down for our own edification and encouragement about the deep waters they've gone through:  what they've learned and how they've endured those deep waters, growing more and more in their love for their Lord.

Several weeks ago, Andy showed me a lump on his upper left arm.  He said it was sensitive to the touch and it was all red.  I called the doctor and made an appointment for Andy to be seen.  The doctor prescribed an antibiotic and said to call him if it didn't look better after the treatment was done.  It actually looked worse, more swollen and even more sensitive to the touch.  So I called the doctor and he thought Andy should have an ultrasound to determine what this lump was.  The results from the ultrasound were inconclusive.  The doctor said things like:  it's a lump of tissue, it's not cancerous (that was a relief!  Whew!), there's no infection, but it should be taken out.  Make an appointment with a surgeon.  Yikes!

So we made the appointment, but the office couldn't fit Andy in for another week.  Meanwhile, that very afternoon, the lump started oozing pus.  Andy drained quite a bit of it out and kept doing the hot compresses on the lump for another couple of days.  Then the lump actually looked like it was starting to shrink and wasn't quite as red.  So I canceled the appointment with the surgeon.  

We were going along nicely thinking things were getting back to "normal."  Then one evening, Andy told me he thought he had a urinary tract infection (uti).  Oh no.  We've been there many times before.  He was chilled and couldn't get warm, even though I piled the covers on him.  Somehow, he made it through the night.  In the morning, he was no longer cold, but very hot and breaking a sweat.  He didn't have a fever, but was definitely sick.  So I called the doctor again to explain the latest.  I had to take Andy down to the office to give a urine sample.  We were actually on the way home when they called with the results.  The nurse said there was no sign of infection although there was blood in the urine.  They were going to call in a prescription for an antibiotic.  Interestingly enough, a couple days later I got another call that the culture had developed bacteria so he did indeed have a uti.  This seems to be the normal procedure for his uti's.  He finished the meds early this week but was still not feeling well so I called the doctor again to get another round of antibiotics.  
 
He seems to be finally feeling better.  Meanwhile, yesterday being Saturday, we had the whole day before us.  I was busy with laundry and some baking.  I felt the need to give Andy something to do.  It's better to keep him busy and engaged.  So when he asked me what he should do, I suggested going outside to pick up sticks and branches.  We have so many trees around the property and they're huge, mature trees, but that makes them all the messier in storms and high winds.

I thought that would keep him busy for a while, but imagine my shock and chagrin when he came in later to tell me he got down all the Christmas lights.  I confess I was very upset.  For one, he is not supposed to be up on a ladder.  It's dangerous for him.  For another reason, I had told him several times we weren't taking the lights down but would leave them up all year.  It saves time and energy - just unplug them till we want them lighted up again.  We had this conversation several times since Christmas but it obviously was something he was camped on and thought he was doing the right thing by taking them down.  He didn't remember that those lights had been up for several years - all year long.  

Well, now they're down and I don't know if they'll ever be put up again.  But that's ok.  It's not worth it to get upset about it - which is what I was the rest of the day.  As I got thinking about it, though, I don't think I was as upset about the lights as I was about Andy not remembering what we had talked about.  Yes, our relationship has changed.  I'm not used to this Andy.  I'm used to him understanding, accomplishing his tasks with competence and reliability.

I confess I was in a "funk" the rest of the day.  And it's carried over to today where my eyes are constantly filling up with tears.  But this is all good...tears are therapeutic, as well as putting words to my thoughts and turning those thoughts in the right direction.  

I was so ministered to by a new book I received at Christmas from one of our dear daughters:  Be Still My Soul edited by Nancy Guthrie.


 

There are 25 readings from different authors on the problem of pain and suffering.  The devotional I read this morning was by Dietrich Bonhoffer, who was in a Nazi prison camp during Hitler's reign in Germany.  

It's a short 3 pages in the book but every sentence is full of deep truth and brings us back to what really counts.  He says that "Christ transfigures the moment of greatest suffering for his followers through the indescribable certainty of his nearness and communion."  This is so true.  There is no such comfort and sweet communion with the Savior as when we go through deep and difficult times.  

Even though my trial is not a prison camp, it is still a trial.  It is my trial.  Bonhoffer says, "each have their own cross, assigned by God and measured to fit."

The amazing thing to consider is that Jesus is not asking of us something that he did not do himself.  Bonhoffer says that "God is a God who bears.  He bore our flesh, he bore the cross, he bore all our sins and attained reconciliation by his bearing."



"Jesus called all who are laden with various sufferings and burdens to throw off their yokes and to take his yoke upon themselves.  His yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matthew 11:30).  His yoke and his burden is the cross.  Bearing the cross does not bring misery and despair.  Rather, it provides refreshment and peace for our soul; it is our greatest joy."
 

And then the icing on the cake was the message from Pastor this morning.  He is currently in a series on the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is our helper when we feel helpless.  He is our strength when we feel weak.  He is our comforter when we are in despair.  He is a gift to us, to enable us to live the life God has called us to.  

Nearness to God is most felt out of our necessity and desperation.   I admit, I love the idea of a comfortable and easy life.  But I pray that more than that, I would desire to be close to God, and if that involves difficulty and trials, then I pray I would accept those trials in the grace and strength that God provides.  I have not arrived, by any stretch of the imagination, God still has his work cut out for me!