"Carefree in the care of God."

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

How I constantly need to be reminded of these truths.

I met on Tuesday with my elder law attorney and our financial agent to discuss my financial future. They both assured me there was enough to provide for Andy's care as well as my own. I came away from the meeting relieved and praising God for Andy's foresight and provision for me/us.

You would think my fears would be silenced and I would rest in the providence of God. But no...as the week wore on, I started entertaining "what if" scenarios. Fortunately, God came to my rescue as he always does. 

He had several people call me to interact with me on what I was thinking/feeling - speaking truth into me. I've also been reading Nothing Is Impossible With God by Rose Marie Miller, recommended by a friend. 

 
This author has been through a lot but in the process, her faith has grown and through her writing, she gives credence to the goodness of God in spite of the difficulties we endure. She quotes Alister McGrath in his book, Why Does God Allow Suffering?

"Suffering serves a vital spiritual function. It reminds us of our mortality, preventing us from entertaining delusions about our nature and our future...The great prize which is set before us is none other than a relationship with God himself. But our vision is so distorted by sin that we see nothing but the lesser prizes around us. We are called by God to find our rest in him. But our hearing is so dulled that we hear only the voices of the world and its transient goals. We settle for the shadows of the grand delights for which we were created."

Those thoughts were reinforced as I read in Randy Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. He reminds us that God is a lavish giver. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) Alcorn expounds on this verse by stating: "The God who gave us his Son delights to graciously give us 'all things.' These 'things' are in addition to Christ, but they are never instead of him - they come 'along with him.' If we didn't have Christ, we would have nothing. But because we have Christ, we have everything."


I was trying to understand why I am having such a hard time trusting that God is going to provide for my every need. Maybe because this is so new to me. I've had 43 years of not having the final responsibility. Andy was always the one who calmed my fears and was able to convince me that things would be ok, and I believed him. It was his responsibility and out of my hands. It feels different now. I can't talk this over with Andy. The buck stops with me. Or does it??? No, the reality is that now I have a new husband, God Himself. And he is even more to be trusted than Andy was. He knows the end from the beginning. This is all in His plan and He can be trusted. This is another opportunity to preach the gospel...to tell the world that Christ is enough. I can be satisfied in Him, no matter what's happening around me or what I'm going through.

Another example of the grace of God at work in me is how I'm adapting to Andy being in the "nursing home." When Andy and I first became involved in ministry, I told Andy I just couldn't accompany him when he made hospital visits. Walking into a hospital made me feel faint...I just couldn't do it. The smell made me nauseous, the sight of blood made me feel queasy. How ironic it was that Andy himself was in the hospital numerous times with a concussion, in traction, with a parasite that attacked his white blood cells, etc. (I can't even begin to count the number of times he was hospitalized in our married life!)

I have been visiting Andy every evening at Care One - right around the dinner hour. I am getting to know the other residents, as well as the care givers. It is amazing to watch Andy as he interacts with the people. It's like he's gained a whole new congregation. I have walked in on him a number of evenings and found him on his knees beside another resident, with his hand on the arm of a man in a recliner, comforting him. Or as we talk to another resident, a lady in a wheelchair comes up to us, and he pats her on the head. He sits next to another man at dinner time and the two of them carry on a conversation that only the two of them understand. Another lady told me that Andy is so kind and gentle.

This is beautiful to watch and I am grateful for this experience. It's obvious that Andy's ministry is not over. He has been placed in this situation for a purpose and for a time. The Spirit of God is shining through him even in his illness.

A lady at church this morning told me that early on in Andy's illness, Andy had told her husband that he wanted to finish strong. I would say God is honoring that desire.

Sparrows

Jason Gray

You can't add a single day by worrying
You'll worry your life away
Oh don't worry your life away
You can't change a single thing by freaking out
It's just gonna close you in
Oh don't let the trouble win

You may feel alone
But you're not on your own

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

Lean in and it's hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it

Carefree in the care of God
 

When you let it go
You'll find that He's enough
Oh you never leave His love

You don't walk alone

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

There's not a single star that's out of place
There's nothing broken He can't remake
If you long for hope when you're afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Even the sparrow knows

He holds tomorrow

Songwriters: Mia Fieldes / Jason Gray / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Sparrows lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Music Services, Inc

Every new duty calls for more grace than I now possess,
but not more than is found in You, the divine treasury in whom all fullness dwells.
To You I repair for grace upon grace, until every void made by sin be replenished
and I am filled with all Your fullness.
May my desires be enlarged and my hopes emboldened,
that I may honor You by my entire dependency and the greatness of my expectation.
Be with me and prepare me for all:
    the smiles of prosperity,
    the frowns of adversity,
    the losses of substance,
    the death of friends,
    the days of darkness,
    the changes of life,
    and the last great change of all.
May I find Your grace sufficient for all my needs.
Valley of Vision, page 116

This is a new way to get used to - rattling around the house by myself, when and how often do I visit Andy, how do I occupy my time at home? That last question is difficult because I am still exhausted and lacking in motivation. There's really not anything that's pressing on the to-do list. It's more like I'm numb and on auto-pilot.

Andy seems to be settling in to being where he is. He's not as agitated although he is still moving his things around. His shoes were missing for about a week. No one knew where they were until they reappeared a day or so ago. When I asked the caregivers if they had found them, they said, "no," the shoes just appeared. I have taken most of his clothes back home and only leave one or two outfits because they will just disappear and who knows where he puts them. Yesterday when I looked in his bathroom, I noticed that his razor was in pieces. I tried putting it back together but couldn't figure it out. So I had to take it to Tommy to see if he could get it back in working order. He did. This is so typical of the kinds of things Andy used to be so good at. I would be ready to throw something out because it wasn't working any more, but Andy would look at it, figure it out and fix it. He just had a natural knack for knowing how things operated.

Speaking of Tommy, he came over yesterday to work on our tree. We had put it up when the family was here at Thanksgiving, but only one strand of lights worked. It was one of those trees that had lights already affixed to it. I bought new strands of lights and thought we could just string them. But Tommy said he wanted to do the job right and proceeded to take off the old lights. Unfortunately, they were firmly attached and he worked hours at removing them from the tree. It was finally done and now it looks great with new strands of lights.

Dawn and the kids also came with Tommy, so it was a treat to have them all here with me. Kasey cracks me up - she makes the funniest faces when she has her picture taken.

 It seems like ages since I'd taken a hike in the woods. I think the last time Andy and I went was in the spring. Since then, I hadn't felt he was up to walking as much so we just hadn't gone. So when a friend wanted to get together with me, I suggested a hike at Rancocas State Park. She had never been there, so she was game. It was the coldest day we've had so far, but that did not deter me. We just bundled up and off we went. The sun was shining and it wasn't too uncomfortably cold. I didn't even wear a hat or gloves.

Crisp, invigorating air and the sun sparkling on the water...what therapy...so thankful for nature and the joy it gives to the soul.

So how is Andy doing?
He seems to be adjusting to his new way of living. Two days ago when I arrived, I was walking toward his room, when I noticed him coming toward me down the hall. When he saw me, he said, "Oh, you're an answer to prayer!" That night he seemed to be more lucid and we talked to a couple of the other residents. Most of the time, his conversation doesn't make sense, but his nature still manifests in being concerned for the other person. 

Then yesterday when I was there, I arrived in time to help him eat his dinner. He doesn't feed himself and hasn't for a couple of weeks now. When I'm not there, the caregivers feed him. But last night, I did the honors. After he ate his dinner, he stood up to go to his room. When he stood up, he almost fell over. The care giver and I helped him to sit down and tried to determine what was wrong. He seemed to be dizzy and exhausted. We finally got him to his room and his bed. Then the nurse came in to take his vital signs, all of which were normal. But he was pretty out of it. I wonder if he had tired himself out with all his activity that day. The caregivers said he had been walking the halls all day. And when I got to his room, I noticed he had moved his chair, and a lot of things were out of order - an indication that he had been "working" at fixing or organizing.

I am so grateful for our daughters. They have been a great comfort and blessing to me during this time. I am also very thankful for our church family. They rally around me with hugs and promises that they are praying for me and offers to help in any way I might need. 

We are in December, getting ready to celebrate Christmas and I have been thinking of the peace the angels promised to the shepherds when they announced Jesus' birth. And then as Jesus was getting ready to go to the cross, he told his disciples that he was leaving peace for them. But this was not ordinary peace like the world gave, but His peace. God's peace is a peace that passes understanding. Who can explain this peace? It's beyond us...how can you have peace in the midst of horrendous circumstances? But if you have the Lord, you do have peace. He Himself is our peace (Ephesians 2:14).

And just like that...Andy is in a facility. Actually, it was pretty intense and involved but it did happen quickly. I have to document it here because I would be so tempted to question whether or not we did the right thing. 

I am so grateful for the daughters God gave us. I feel pretty emotionally needy and unable to make an informed decision. So they took it upon themselves to come down on Monday and all together, we visited 2 other facilities. I thought we were pretty set on the one I had visited last week, but the girls thought it felt cold and hospital-ish. One of the girls thought that maybe we should try home health a little longer, that he just wasn't ready to be in a full time facility. However, as the next couple of days unfolded, it became clear that I just couldn't handle him at home any more. 

The second facility we visited on Monday was Care One Harmony Village of Moorestown. As soon as we walked in there, the daughter that was advocating more home time, felt at peace about this place and thought he would do well there. We met with the Marketing Director, who happened to be a worship pastor in his local church (!), then walked around the facility, meeting the maintenance man, the head chef, the nurses and care givers. Everyone we met stopped to introduce themselves to us and were so friendly - we were sold.

The Marketing Director worked hard to make it possible for Andy to be admitted by Wednesday. In the meantime, though, I had to get him to two doctor's appointments on Tuesday and one on Wednesday before he could be admitted. What a whirlwind. It was becoming more and more difficult to take him out. I had to help him in the car...he always wanted to get in the car next to us or in the back seat. Then I had to buckle him up before I could get in myself. I thought it was interesting that he couldn't buckle himself in, but when we were driving, he could figure out how to unbuckle.  It was a trip!

I've been visiting Andy every day, sometimes twice or three times. Thankfully, the facility is only 5.6 miles away from our house. He is having some anxiety about being there, which is understandable. He is pacing up and down the halls, including all night long. He has taken to hiding his clothes, stashing them in different places. I had taken about four shirts and hung them in his closet. The next day when I looked in his closet, I was shocked to see nothing but empty hangers. He is keeping the staff busy looking for his things. His shoes have been missing for several days...they say they've looked everywhere.

This morning, I was in church enjoying worship song time, when I felt my phone vibrate. When I checked to see who was calling, it was Care One. I left the auditorium and took the call. They informed me that Andy was running up and down the halls, trying to climb the walls and the furniture. He was even being a little combative and they couldn't calm him down. So I drove over and as soon as he saw me, he was back to "normal." I didn't see any of the behavior they told me about. Well, it's all so new and different for him and I do feel bad for him. But he's in the right place...there were times he didn't know where he was even at our home. And he was beginning the moving of things and trying to even leave the house. Yes, he was admitted at just the right time.

On Tuesday, the morning before he went into the facility, having come through a miserable night of not sleeping, I told him I was going to admit him. I was really surprised by his response: "Oh, thank you," he said. I went on to tell him that he would have round the clock care, and they would be able to care for him better than I could. He seemed to understand, but even if he didn't, it was a little affirmation from the Lord. 

Andy is still Andy...even when he is agitated and anxious, he calms down when he sees me. He feels safe when I am with him. I've taken a small boom box to his room and a couple of cd's for him to play. I'm trying to be careful and not take too many in case he starts hiding them, too.

Yesterday a couple went with me and we hung pictures in his room.

 

These pictures had been on the walls in his office at church and I had never done anything with them except put them in the basement. And the chair is what he always sat on in our bedroom when he put his shoes on.

Then I thought it would be nice to add a festive Christmas-y touch.

On Friday, Amy came down to help me look at his room and try to make it more comfortable for him. She brought along Joanna and Katy. Dawn met us there, and we all had a good time together. Andy seemed somewhat "with-it," but it was bittersweet.



I already knew that people had a lot of love and respect for Andy, but what we are going through has been overwhelmingly precious and affirming as friends and family respond to us. People are telling me stories of how Andy ministered to them at a difficult time. I am so blessed by their remembrances and willingness to share with me. It's obvious that God used him in his own quiet way to point people to Jesus by shepherding, by his compassion, sympathy and care. 

People are wanting to help but sometimes I just don't know what to tell them. I admit, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted. I seem to be sleeping a little better every night. The house seems very strange to me...it's so quiet. I don't mind quiet and I don't mind being alone, but I do miss my dear Andy.

One neighbor suggested he put up the Christmas lights on our house. I wasn't going to bother this year, but he seemed like he really wanted to do it. He came over yesterday morning and got them up, including putting a timer on them so they come on and go off at set times.

Doesn't that look inviting?  I love the look and am grateful for young neighbor friends who like to be helpful. I think a batch of cookies is in order as a reward, don't you agree???

It's hard for me to concentrate when I read because I'm so consumed with the emotion of what I'm going through right now. But on Friday's reading in Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray, I was reminded of God's power that works in our weakness.

"He has the power to work in the feeblest of His servants with the strength of the Almighty God, even to use our apparent impotence to carry out His purposes...But Christ never gives this power to be regarded as our own. It is only as He dwells and works in our hearts and lives that there can be power in our preaching and personal testimony."

Several times recently, people have told me that I'm strong. I appreciate them saying so, but I honestly feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable. It's only the strength of the Lord that is carrying me. This is one of those times when there are only one set of footprints in the sand - Jesus'.

Things are heating up...I got a call from The Tender on Wednesday morning letting me know that because of a couple of incidents, Andy would not be able to return. I asked Pastor for the rest of the morning off to make calls, write emails, try to come up with a plan for what to do about this.

Unfortunately, we were getting into the holiday weekend and doctors were not accessible (they had their nerve taking time off when I needed them!).

I thought I was going to need daytime care, and while I was at it, let's also get night time care so I could finally get some sleep. Because I had used a home health aide service back in March when I went away for the weekend, I called them. They already had our paperwork so I thought I would be more successful getting someone quickly.

And that's how it worked out. They arranged for a nurse to come out to do an assessment on Friday afternoon and had an aide here at the house on Saturday morning. Saturday went pretty well, but night time was horrific. I slept in the other bedroom and the aide sat in the chair in the bedroom with Andy to be available when he woke up. 

The first part of the night went ok, but around 3:00, he woke up and was startled to see a strange person in his room. He became very agitated and walked out of the bedroom and started yelling, "help, help." Needless to say, I was awakened and quickly ran to see what was going on. When he saw me, he told me to call the cops. I was able to lead him back to bed, then lay down beside him to try to calm him down. But he kept looking at the aide, so I finally told her she should leave and I canceled the service.

I'm in constant contact with our daughters who are encouraging me it's time to get him admitted into a facility. I am in complete agreement. I am only one person and I'm finite, at that. It's impossible for me to be on call 24/7. I just don't know how much longer I can function with so little sleep. For the last two weeks or so, I'm had about 3-4 hours per night. I have to say, though, I'm amazed that I can still function. That's obviously God's grace sustaining me.

The weekend had its good moments, though, being with family. Andy and I went to Andy's brother's for our traditional Thanksgiving with his family. Christy and her family also joined us this year. Andy was so anxious, he kept pacing around, trying to go out the door, and frankly, behaving bizarrely at times. I think his family members were shocked to see how far his disease had progressed. His mom cried several times, and I admit, even though I see him all the time, I was also very sad.

But it triggered our daughters' desire to check out a facility for him, so they set up an appointment for Friday afternoon. They all came down for our family time and that was also bittersweet. There were some funny moments but he seemed somewhat disturbed by the "noise" of the children - so unlike his pre-disease nature.

I hope all who read this post will pray fervently for us as we make decisions, contact doctors, meet with an elder law attorney, etc. There is so much to take into consideration as well as the process of moving him out of our home.

I am exhausted and can hardly think but I feel the Lord's presence and am not in despair. He is holding me up. I know he will not let me down.

Here are a couple of pictures from the weekend.

Tonight he is pacing around, moving furniture, rearranging things and telling me he has a lot to do. I try reasoning with him, but it does not compute.

Stooping very low engraves with care
His Name indelible upon our dust;
And from the ashes of our self-despair
Kindles a flame of love and humble trust.
He seeks no second site on which to build,
But on the old foundation, stone by stone,
Cementing sad experience with grace,
Fashions a stronger temple of His own.
Patricia St. John, Patricia St. John Tells Her Own Story

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in You I trust, O my God.
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Good and upright is the LORD;
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
Psalm 25 (selected verses)

The sleeping pill is not working any more as is evidenced by numerous wakings in the night. Last night, as an example, Andy woke up 7 times, each time, needing me to help him get to the bathroom. This involves turning on the light, guiding him the right direction, then giving minute instructions for a simple task. I'm really amazed that I don't feel worse than I do. It's obvious that God is giving me the strength to do the task he has called me to. That reminds me of David's boast in the Lord: "With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." (2 Samuel 22:30 & Psalm 18:29)

Yesterday was another beautiful fall day but I'm thinking it might be the last for a while. The temperature was 60 degrees and I just couldn't stay inside, so after walking around our yard, we got in the car and went over to Trotters Crossing - a nearby park in Mt. Laurel.

We walked almost a mile and Andy did well the whole time. He seems to be anxious and restless - a new phase of the disease? He is constantly pacing around the house, moving and not sitting still, even for a movie. It may be a result of his Parkinson's, which may also be why he's not sleeping well. He twitches and jerks all night long. Poor guy.

We also stopped in to see Dawn and her family, although the two youngest kids were napping. They have a lot of leaves to rake up.

Paul Tripp has an email he sends out every Wednesday morning that I get, Wednesday's Word. This week was a good reminder that people with Alzheimer's aren't the only ones who forget.


We all do it, probably every day. It has a much bigger impact than we realize. The scary thing is, we barely recognize that we're doing it.
What is this thing we all tend to do? We forget the generosity of God.
In the busyness and self-centeredness of our lives, we forget how much we have been blessed by grace. The fact that he blesses us when we deserve nothing (except for wrath and punishment) fades from our memories like a song whose lyrics we once knew but now cannot recall.
Every morning, God's generosity greets us in at least a dozen ways, but we barely recognize it as we frenetically prepare for our day. When we lay our exhausted heads down at night, we often fail to look back on the many gifts that dripped from God's hands into our little lives.

I like the way he describes God's gifts as "dripping from His hands." God's Word also depicts God as being lavish in the gifts he gives us and rich in love. And what about Ephesians 3:20 that portrays Christ's love as surpassing knowledge. Verse 20 promises that He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He is constantly working on our behalf, giving us good gifts because of his great love for us. 

Oh, God, give me eyes to see your goodness and not focus on my circumstances. I want to be consumed with God and His goodness and not this momentary trial. 

I am very thankful for the help I am receiving in the mornings in getting Andy and myself ready for the day. I'm actually surprised at myself that I can adapt to the new way of life in our house (only by God's grace), but what a special blessing to get some relief when someone else can assist. 

I am also very grateful for The Tender, providing me a much needed break from caring for Andy - 5 hours a day/5 days a week. 

This week we celebrate Thanksgiving and we do have a lot to be thankful for, most of all, our blessed Savior, who gave his life that we might have life eternal.

As usual on Sunday night, I'm feeling pretty sad. A weekend of dealing with Andy nearly full time is difficult, and I'm afraid, there are times when I display a less than patient attitude. It didn't help going into the weekend, that The Tender had been closed two days this past week: Tuesday and Friday for Election Day and Veterans' Day. 

I had things planned on both those days that helped but each activity presents its own challenges. On Tuesday, we met Dawn at Johnson's Farm to let her kids play on their playgrounds. There were hardly any other people/kids there so it was easy to watch the kids play and keep track of them. 
 

Isn't he just the sweetest little boy???

The perfect outfit for driving a tractor!

Mamma Dawn

Then on Friday, I worked for a couple hours in the morning but left when I felt it was becoming too much for Andy. After lunch, we took a trip up to Harleysville to help celebrate Claire's birthday. 

That cake was awesomely delicious and rich!

Frilly girly new dress for the birthday girl

I was viewing the trip as a test to see how Andy would do. If he seemed to be ok, then I would go to PA with him on Thanksgiving Day. He didn't seem to be bothered by the driving, but he did unbuckle his seat belt on the way up, and also on the way home. That was quite a challenge for me to get him to buckle back up while driving on the turnpike. Now I'm thinking I need to buy a device to keep him from unbuckling himself, a device they make for special needs kids. 

Thursday night into Friday morning was a night to forget. The sleeping pill Andy takes before bed did not work that night. I could hardly keep him from going to bed right after supper. He kept taking off his shirt and wanting to go to bed. It was a struggle to keep him up, but finally I gave up around 7:00. He got in bed, but as I started reading to him, he got very restless. He tossed and turned, I think he was in pain or his legs hurt. He just couldn't stay still. I felt really bad for him. What could I do??? He finally calmed down around 8:00 but he was in agony for about 45 minutes before that (I think the sleeping pill finally took effect). 

I was pretty tired, too. So I went to sleep around 8:15. Then he woke up at 9:30 to go to the bathroom. I have to get up to help him because he doesn't know where to go. I was able to get right back to sleep. Then he got up again at 10:30 to go to the bathroom again. Again, I was able to get back to sleep. But can you believe it, he got up again at 12:30 for another bathroom run. And I did not sleep the rest of the night. 

I think he slept a little from 12:30 till 3:30 when he became very restless again for the remainder of the night. The one time I just couldn't get out of bed. I thought, whatever happens while he's in the bathroom, I'll deal with it later.

Well, when I finally did get up at 5:00, I went into the bathroom to use the toilet myself and stepped in a puddle! Ugh. So I had to clean the floor and stick my foot in the tub. 

 

Another thing that has developed is his pacing around the house from one room to another. If I ask him what he's looking for, he mumbles or tries to tell me something, but nothing he says any more makes sense. He has also taken to moving things around. I went into the bathroom this morning and found the bathroom rug on top of the toilet lid. Another time, I found a placemat off the table on the living room floor. He likes to take the pillows off the couches and make piles of them or place them in different spots. A week ago, I was impressed that he could still tie his shoes, but that, too has now gone. He spends a lot of time on the job, though, so I let him because it occupies him. I eventually take pity on him and help him, first untying all the knots he's made in the shoestrings. 

 

Earlier today, I gave him a bowl of tapioca pudding. He proceeded to spoon out the tapioca onto a napkin. 

 

These are all hard things to process. It's so frustrating to not be able to understand him. He tries so hard to make himself understood, and he's frustrated, too.

 

Yesterday, the young woman who came over last Saturday to stay with Andy while I got a pedicure, came over again. She stayed with Andy while her mom and I went out to a nearby park for a 4-mile walk/hike. It felt so good to be out in nature with a friend. 

 

 

We had a great conversation empathizing with each other's situation. Her husband has been bedridden for 11 years. I was so impressed and convicted with her contentment in her situation. I keep thinking that I just can't do this much longer. But she expressed a real peace and joy in her life as it is right now. She does have the advantage, though, of having 16 hours a day of professional nursing care for her husband.

 

As always, the reading I am engaged in is a big help in my overall emotional, spiritual state. I read in Andrew Murray's Daily in His Presence on the Nov. 12th reading:  "Preach [to yourself] because you believe it to be the teaching of God's Word and heartily desire it. Preach the truth by faith and the experience will follow." So I was encouraged that this is a good reason for me to continue to blog. It's not only therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings, but it's also a way to remind myself of the truths of God's Word that I am experiencing as I travel this journey. 

 

I'm also reading the prayers that are recorded in Valley of Vision. Here are some of the thoughts that were especially meaningful to me this week:

 

"Deliver me from every evil habit, every accretion of former sins, everything that dims the brightness of your grace in me, everything that prevents me from taking delight in You." (page 77)

 

"May my character and not my circumstances chiefly engage me." (page 78)

 

"When I am afraid of evils to come, comfort me by showing me that in myself I am a dying, condemned wretch, but that in Christ I am reconciled, made alive and satisfied; that I am feeble and unable to do any good, but that in him I can do all things, that what I now have in Christ is mine in part, but that shortly I shall have it perfectly in heaven." (page 79)

 

"If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heart, so be it, but will You sit at the furnace mouth to watch that nothing be lost. If I sin willfully, grievously, tormentedly, in grace take away my mourning and give me music; remove my sackcloth and clothe me with beauty; still my sighs and fill my mouth with song, then give me summer weather as a Christian." (page 81) 

That last paragraph reminds me of Psalm 32:7 - "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

He hears my sighs and saves my tears in a bottle. His heart is touched by my grief and this is a great comfort.

 

So much has happened in two weeks since I last posted. Andy's disease seems to be progressing rapidly. I can't get over how much he is declining. On the other hand, there is so much to tell about how God is pouring out his love and care on us.

I was anticipating it was only a matter of time until I would have to be more physically involved in Andy's care. And just last week, I noticed that he probably didn't wash his hair, and there were also several days he forgot to shave, or if he shaved, there were areas on his beard that he missed. Earlier this week, after he got out of the shower, he came looking for me to tell me he couldn't get the shaving cream out of the container. When I checked, he had squirted it all over the mirror and sink. I told him to hold out his hand and I would  do it for him. When I sprayed the shaving cream into his hand, he rubbed his hands together, then proceeded to rub it all over his face, including his eyes. So I had to instruct him to rinse off his face (so he could see), then spray more shaving cream into his hands, but be very careful to tell him to just rub it onto his beard.

One day after I brought him home from The Tender, I was doing something in the kitchen when I heard the water running in the tub. When I checked, Andy was in the tub. Fortunately, he had taken all his clothes off! When I asked him why he was taking a bath in the middle of the day, he mumbled something about feeling grungy. (I don't think he had washed his hair that morning.) So I encouraged him to get his hair wet, then I poured some shampoo into his hands. He rubbed his hands together, then proceeded to wash his face. It was a good thing the shampoo was Baby Shampoo. After instructing him to rinse off his face, I gave him more shampoo, and he promptly rubbed it all over his face again. At that point, I realized I needed to wash his hair for him. Success at last!

He is no longer able to communicate logically or so that I can understand. Even several weeks ago, if he started a sentence, I could pretty much guess what he was trying to say or what he needed. But now, he is mumbling or if he does say words that I understand, they make no sense.

Even though I know this is a progressive disease, it is still shocking when there are such obvious disconnects. I was pretty upset last Sunday after helping him get ready for the day. Someone came to stay with him while I went to church. So, the first person who asked me how I was doing, ended up needing to comfort me as tears started streaming out of my eyes. She was a dear, God had her there for me. She hugged me, listened to me and prayed for me...God's angel ministering to me. 

After church, another friend asked me how I was doing. And again, I couldn't help the tears coming to the surface. She listened and loved me. She understands to an extent what it feels like to be a "virtual widow." Her husband has been bedridden on a ventilator for 11 years, with round the clock nursing care. She really wanted to help me out in some way. I mentioned that the weekends were so long because I had him home all day long, whereas during the week, I get a break when he is at The Tender. As I was talking to her, her daughter, Jill, was listening and chimed in that she would be glad to come over to sit with Andy any time I need a break. She is a nurse! That was awfully sweet of her, but I wasn't sure if she was serious. And my personality doesn't like to ask for help. I know - that's a problem I have. 

So imagine my surprise and joy when a couple of days ago, Pastor R emailed me to say that Jill had told him to let me know she wanted to help to give me a break and I should call her. Ok, so now I knew she was serious. I obediently (!) texted her and we agreed on a time for me to go get a pedicure for myself on Saturday afternoon...Another of God's angels ministering to me.

I was really somewhat surprised that my cold, as bad as I felt last Sunday afternoon, didn't develop into anything more. Even with getting only 4 hours of sleep Sunday night/Monday morning, I felt pretty good on Monday. 

After I dropped Andy off at The Tender, as I was driving to work, I was telling the Lord that I just didn't know how long I could keep doing this. I was exhausted, I felt ill equipped and unqualified to "nurse" Andy. But then I was reminded that whenever I feel so low, that's when God just pours out his blessings to show that he is taking care of me. So I thanked Him in advance for the way he was going to encourage me in the coming week. And did He ever!

On Monday, two friends (more of God's angels) called/texted to tell me they were bringing me dinner. They both brought enough for four meals this week. Then on Tuesday, I received a card in the mail from another of God's angels, with encouraging words and a gift card to Shop Rite for $100.

On Thursday, while I was working, I needed to find someone in the lobby of the church. As I was walking around out there, another friend asked me how I was doing. When I explained, she mentioned that there was a young man who might be available to help with Andy's care in the mornings. I asked a couple of people who knew him what they thought, and they all agreed that he would be really good. So I called him and talked to him, and he was eager to come over 4 mornings a week to supervise his bath and get Andy ready in the mornings. He came over Saturday morning for me to give him instructions, and he did an excellent job. I was so excited after he left because I was able to get my exercising done as well as my own shower without interrupting myself myriads of times to check on Andy. He is a 20 year old young man, tall and strong, taking a semester off in his pastoral studies (just for us - thank you, Jesus!) and happy for some extra money. And believe me, I am happy to pay him for his service...another of God's angels ministering to me. An extra special detail about this young man is that the year Andy coached a team of teen boys in our church's soccer league, this guy was on Andy's team. I am very pleased with his help. He is gentle, kind and seems happy to be able to help.

There were several nights this week that were quite a challenge. One of those was last Sunday night after I had spent the whole afternoon blowing my nose because of a constant drip. I had taken NyQuil before I went to bed, but after only 4 hours of sleep, I was awakened by Andy wandering around the bedroom. After helping Andy get to the bathroom, I was unable to get back to sleep. I felt pretty lousy most of the day because of the "hangover" from the NyQuil, but my morning cup of coffee helped perk me up. And I was surprised that my cold wasn't getting any worse. In fact, I wondered if I had imagined I was getting sick! Isn't God good!

I knew I needed to get Andy an electric razor so he wouldn't need to use shaving cream any more. I had that on my list for a day or two but just didn't have an opportunity to go get it. Then "out of the blue," someone texted me to ask me if I needed anything at the store. I didn't need any groceries, but I texted back that I needed an electric razor. (This is an example that I CAN ask for help!) He went and bought it and brought it to me - another of God's angels ministering to me.

Andy was not feeling well at all on Friday and I got several calls from The Tender to wonder if I should call the doctor to tell him what was going on. I took their advice and the doctor suggested cutting back on the meds that he had increased about a month ago. Andy was feeling so bad on Friday that when I went to pick him up, he needed three of us to help him walk to the car. He was so weak, dizzy and unsteady on his feet. I did stop the one med, and he seemed better yesterday, as well as today.

I am amazed how Andy twitches and jerks while he sleeps. Sometimes his tremors are so bad, it feels like I'm in a vibrating bed. I don't know how he manages to sleep through all that. But that's probably why he has a bad night every once a while. Lying awake, one night, I counted how long his tremors lasted. Sometimes, his tremors last 30 seconds, then there's a lull of a minute or two, then he starts shaking again. But they are intermittent and unpredictable. 

Yesterday, I was able to get out to treat myself to a pedicure. One of God's angels came to stay with Andy while I was gone. It's so relaxing to me to have someone pamper my feet. The chair I was sitting in also had a vibrator for my back. What luxury! Maybe if I pretend I'm getting a pedicure in the middle of the night while Andy is twitching, I'll be able to relax. I'll have to try that strategy.

The weather has been so beautiful in the last couple of days. It's hard to feel too low when the colors are so lovely.

And I just can't help myself when it comes to taking pictures of the beauty berries. I have so many pictures of them since I take several every year. The birds will be well fed this winter.

I got carried away...I know. But can you blame me???

I'm not generally a spontaneous person, but yesterday afternoon, we took a quick trip over to see Dawn and her family. We stayed long enough to get our love tanks filled up by the beautiful children and chatting a little with Dawn and Tommy. It's good to be spontaneous once in a while.

One of the songs we sang this morning in church, Come to the Altar, had a phrase that said: 

Bear your cross as you wait for the crown
Tell the world of the treasure you've found 

I hope that everyone who reads this blog and everyone I meet along this journey, sees this in me. I hope for the crown some day, when all these difficulties will be behind me. I also want to continue to tell the world of the Treasure I've found in Jesus: His sufficiency, His strength in my weakness, His wisdom for sorting out all the decisions I need to make, His grace, His love, His mercy, His understanding and compassion, His care in all the details of what we're going through - what precious gifts He gives to His children. The greatest gift of all is His willingness to go to the cross to bear my sins and to clothe me in His righteousness.

On one of my sleepless nights, I was consumed with worry about my finances (even though I have been told I don't need to worry). I was tossing and turning, but finally, I cried out to Jesus: "Dear Jesus, please ask your Holy Spirit to pray for me because I can't. Calm my fears." And within seconds I was fast asleep.

Psalm 127:2b: "For He gives to His beloved sleep." (English Standard Version)