In the Extremes

One of the things Andy and I really enjoyed about ministry is that there were always plenty of people we could have over to our house for a meal. Over the years, as I learned to cook, I surrounded myself with people who were good at it, learning from them, then practicing, practicing and practicing some more. As my girls got older, I even learned things from them. Christy was very good at throwing ingredients together and somehow they turned out tasty. Ask her for the recipe, though, and it was, "oh, a little of this and a little of that..." Very frustrating to a person who follows the recipe to a t. Then I learned how to make perfect cookies from Amy. Before she started experimenting with baking, I always burned cookies. They were rock hard and impossible to chew. But Amy knew when to take them out of the oven, so they were soft and chewy. 

But I digress...

Ever since Andy has been diagnosed, I have not had company. It was too stressful and I didn't want it to be hard on him. Would people stay too long? Would he have the stamina? And frankly, I didn't have the energy to organize and plan the menu, let alone host an evening with friends.

But lately, I've been feeling more like my old self. I use the term "old" loosely, you understand - meaning more like my "former" self. :) When our friends from Colorado were here, I just had to have them over for dinner since it had been so long since we'd seen them. That actually went well, with Andy even manning the grill. I kept the menu simple and we had a wonderful evening.

With that success under my belt, I've kind of gone crazy this past week with 3 dinners with friends. On Monday, we invited Beth, our upstairs apartment friend, to join us. On Tuesday, we invited Andy's mom and dad to dinner. Then this afternoon after church, our friends, Rich and Bev joined us for dinner. Rich had been Andy's biking buddy, doing many long bike trips. Bev and I were friends, too. Over the years, they had been in our small group. Then several years in a row, Rich and Andy had ridden their bikes to the shore on a fall day, while Bev and I drove down to pick them up. So we have a lot of years of friendship together. 

I kept the menu simple each time. For Beth, I fixed a delicious spinach basil pasta salad I found on allrecipes.com. I am not linking it, because when I looked for it yesterday, it was replaced with a different version of the one I use.  Here is the recipe I use and it is very tasty:

Spinach Basil Pasta Salad

Submitted By: _jennifer Photo By: nxtchieframsey Prep Time: 45 Minutes Cook Time: 15 Minutes Ready In:  45 Minutes Servings: 10

"Garlic is quickly fried then tossed with spinach and basil leaves for a great summertime salad."

Ingredients:

1 (16 ounce) package bow tie pasta 1 (6 ounce) package spinach leaves 2 cups fresh basil leaves 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil 3 cloves garlic, minced

4 slices bacon, chopped salt and ground black pepper to taste 3/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese 1/2 cup toasted pine nuts

Directions:

1.	Fill a large pot with lightly salted water and bring to a rolling boil over high heat. Once the water is boiling, stir in the bow tie pasta and return to a boil. Cook the pasta uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the pasta has cooked through, but is still firm to the bite, about 12 minutes. Rinse with cold water to cool. Drain well in a colander set in the sink.
2.	Toss the spinach and basil together in a large bowl.
3.	Heat the olive oil in a skillet over medium heat; cook and stir the garlic in the hot oil for 1 minute. Remove from heat. Add to the bowl with the spinach and basil mixture; add bacon; toss to combine. Pour in the drained pasta and retoss. Season with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with the Parmesan cheese and pine nuts to serve.

For mom and dad and again today, for Rich and Bev, I made chicken on the grill, with a tomato zucchini dish and Caesar's salad. I marinated the chicken last night and also made up the tomato zucchini dish yesterday afternoon, then popped it in the oven when we got home from church this morning.

The zucchini and tomatoes were given to me by my gardener neighbor, who not only loves to garden, but also loves to be generous with her veggies.

I posted this recipe on my blog last year, but it is so good, it bears repeating!

It's interesting to me that it always takes me a lot longer to assemble the dish than what the recipe indicates. For instance, this one says prep time is 20 minutes, but it actually takes me 40 minutes.

Tomato Zucchini Casserole

Submitted By: DELTAQUEEN50 Photo By: khershey Prep Time: 20 Minutes Cook Time: 55 Minutes Ready In: 1 Hour 15 Minutes Servings: 4

"A simple vegetable dish that highlights the summer flavors of fresh tomatoes and zucchini. It goes great with grilled meats or poultry."

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups grated Cheddar cheese 1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano 1/2 teaspoon dried basil 2 cloves garlic, minced salt and pepper to taste

2 medium zucchinis, thinly sliced 5 plum tomatoes, thinly sliced 1/4 cup butter 2 tablespoons finely chopped onion 3/4 cup fine bread crumbs

Directions:

1.	Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly butter a 9x9-inch pan.
2.	In a large bowl, combine Cheddar, Parmesan, oregano, basil, and garlic. Season with salt and pepper, and set aside.
3.	Arrange half of the zucchini slices in the pan. Sprinkle 1/4 of the cheese and herb mixture on top. Arrange half of the tomatoes, and top with another 1/4 of the cheese mixture. Repeat layers.
4.	Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Stir in onions, and cook until soft and translucent. Stir in breadcrumbs; cook until they have absorbed the butter. Sprinkle on top of casserole.
5.	Cover loosely with foil, and bake in a preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake until the top is crusty and the vegetables are tender, about 20 minutes.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 2014 Allrecipes.com

Printed from Allrecipes.com 7/31/2014

As much as we enjoy hosting friends for dinner, I'm not sure it's something we should do a lot of. It really wears Andy out, he has to nap when they leave. So maybe it's better to use a little moderation and spread out our company, rather than having so many in one week.

Speaking of extremes, this week in staff meeting, I was asked how I was doing. I answered that I was doing pretty well in spite of Andy not really getting any better. I said I was enjoying the peace of God which really does pass all understanding. This was really and truly how I felt. Then later in the meeting, everyone was encouraged to share what energized them as they looked to the fall and the start up of a new year of ministry. I wasn't going to share until Pastor asked me point blank. Then I fell apart and my over active tear ducts starting doing what they do so well! I said I had no energy, I was so lacking in energy, it was all I could do to get up in the morning and go to work 4 days a week. Nothing like putting a wet blanket on heart felt sharing. 

Well, such is the way things are right now. One minute I'm up, then next minute I'm down. But the amazing truth is that God is with me in both places: the ups and the downs.

I've recently taken The Valley of Vision off the shelf. 

 
This is a book of a collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. I love the depth of thought that these men and women of God expressed but frankly, some of the language is archaic and difficult to understand. So I have decided to go through the book and rewrite the prayers in language that is meaningful for me. This is quite an undertaking because the book is 223 pages long. Well, maybe I won't do all of them!

I really like the introduction to the book because it is so descriptive of the way things are.

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, 
You have brought me to the valley of vision, 
where I live in the depths but see you in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold your glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision...

Let me find your light in my darkness,
your life in my death,
your joy in my sorrow,
your grace in my sin,
your riches in my poverty,
your glory in my valley.

Don't we just love to be on the mountain top???

But God has promised to be with us even in the valley of the shadow of death. And I like how the puritans put it..."I live in the depths but see YOU in the heights."

Alzheimer's Update

Life goes along and can become routine leading you to think everything is ok. I was wondering recently, trying to analyze Andy's Alzheimer's disease (AD). Is he about the same, getting worse, am I getting used to the way things are?  After some incidents this weekend, we have concluded that he is not getting better, and not even stabilizing.

On Saturday night, a friend arrived from PNG to spend a few months in this area as part of her home assignment (furlough). She has stayed in our apartment several times before, and we love having her here. She is cheerful and fun to have around.

 
 In preparation for her arrival, I decided the apartment needed a little bit of fixing up. L had hung a lot of pictures on the walls and left the nails, and consequently nail holes.  We had a bucket of wall spackle, so Andy and I took it upstairs and spackled all the holes in all the rooms. A day later, we sanded the spackle, then added a second coat. A couple days later, we painted over the spackle so the walls look new again.

Before Andy came down with AD, I could have sent him up there and told him what needed to be done. Now, I have to go with him and give him instructions every step of the way. In a way, I don't mind because I love being with him, and it feels good to be doing things together.

Another project we've been working on is outside yard work. There have been some moments of time recently with some cooler weather, so we've taken advantage and done some much needed weeding and bush/tree trimming. This is a project, again, that I need to be with him if I want the work done to my satisfaction. I know I can be a "fuss budget" and want things done my way, but if I send him out to do a job and don't go with him, he will invariably end up doing something completely different than what he went out for. Or he will come back and ask, "what did you want me to do?" So it really does work better for us to undertake our projects together.

He is losing some filters, too. As we were trimming one of the bushes, we did some bantering back and forth. I was teasing him about being too brutal by taking off too much (the poor bush!!!). Later that evening, he came to me and wanted to apologize for the way he treated me. At first, I didn't know what in the world he was talking about. But in probing, I finally figured out that he thought I was upset with him and the way he was working. 

He also is having some delusions. When we sit down for our dinner, he often asks where everyone is. Or he'll inquire, "is it only us tonight?" Or, "who else is here?" One morning he told me he didn't mean to embarrass me the night before. I didn't know what he was talking about until he said he shouldn't have said what he did with everyone in the room. There had been no one in the room, it had been only us. 

I have to say that even with all these changes and the progression of the disease, the Lord has given me peace and a heart at rest. This can only come from him and I'm very grateful for the peace that passes understanding.

I'm still reading Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow and the chapter I read last night was titled "Trusting God with the If Onlys." Here are some of the nuggets that were meaningful to me:

If we are to find contentment in the midst of trial and uncertainty, we must accept our situation as being purposely allowed into our lives by a personal and loving God. For most of us, this begins by refusing to contract the If Only disease.

There is an if in every life - something God could have done differently if he had chosen to do so. He has all power, yet He often allows that if to be there.
 
She gave the example of Martha greeting Jesus after her brother, Lazarus, had died. She said to Jesus, "Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died." But as we know, Jesus had a bigger and better plan. He told Martha, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (John 11).

We cripple ourselves spiritually by going over and over the If Onlys. We "catch" the If Only disease when we dwell on what we don't have instead of on what we do have. We become discontented with what God has given us. When we contract this disease, we lose perspective.

 At the end of the chapter, she quotes from a paper Andrew Murray had written in 1895 when he was suffering from a terribly painful back:

"In time of trouble, say, "First, he brought me here. It is by his will I am in this strait place; in that I will rest." Next, "He will keep me here in his love and give me grace in this trial to behave as his child." then say, "He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons he intends me to learn, and working in me the grace he means to bestow." And last, say, "In his good time he can bring me out again. How and when, he knows." Therefore, say, "I am here (1) by God's appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, (4) for his time."

 As reinforcement in these thoughts, this morning in New Morning Mercies, Paul Tripp wrote the same ideas. He gave examples of If onlys that we use to place blame on others or our circumstances for our disobedience or discontentment. But he goes on to assert:

If God is present with you everywhere you go (and he is), and if he is sovereign over every situation, relationship, and location of your life (and he is), then when you blame other people for your circumstances or for the wrongs that you do, you are, in fact, blaming God. You are saying that God didn't give you what you needed to be what he has called you to be and to do what he has called you to do.

So as I continue on this journey, traveling along the road of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, I need to remember that this is the story God is writing for me. But he is not leaving me to my own resources, leaving me to grope blindly along. It is interesting to note that the many times, he tells his people to "fear not...don't be afraid," he includes the promise: "because I am with you."

I love Isaiah 43:1-3 - "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the holy One of Israel, your Savior."

What a comforting promise from a wonderful God. 

Autobiography or Biography?

My goal has been to post something about my week every Sunday afternoon, but I can tend to be obsessive/compulsive. The reason I post is for my own therapy and review of my week, but I'm not going to be legalistic about it. If I don't feel like posting, I'm not going to post just to post.

That said, the last two weeks have seen a plethora of emotions and experiences. A dear couple, who've been friends of ours for many years, were in the area last weekend. When I heard they were going to be here, I quickly arranged for them to join us for dinner. I had not entertained company for the last two years except for our immediate family. I was a little nervous as to how it would go. Would it tire Andy out? How would he do with conversation? 

I think the fact that things have become a little more manageable recently and have smoothed out, have helped in the stress level. I don't think Andy is necessarily better, maybe a little worse, but we've adjusted to the new normal. 

I thought having chicken on the grill would be fairly easy, so the week before our company, I had Andy show me how to operate the grill. We cleaned it up and made sure there was plenty of gas in the tank. He had always been the one to do the grilling, but I decided I needed to learn to do it. The recipe I have for the grilled chicken is super good and it's a lot easier to do it on the grill than heating up the oven - especially in the dead of summer.

So our menu for the evening was:  grilled chicken, tomato-zucchini casserole, Caesar's salad and chocolate chip zucchini bread. I did not serve dessert, but it wasn't needed. Everything turned out great and we had a wonderful time with our friends. They moved to Colorado 15 years ago so we don't see them very often. We were privileged to visit them twice on our trips through the west as we stopped to see several National Parks.

I  don't know if having the company took a toll but the next two days we were both beat. Tuesday, my day off, I had absolutely no energy or motivation. I managed to get the bathrooms cleaned and laundry done, but sat in my chair the rest of the time. 

Unfortunately, with the fatigue, I also experienced an emotional low. But as usual, God gave me the strength to endure. Then on Thursday, he graciously gave me two different times with friends who encouraged and prayed with me. One of those friends loaned me a book that I started reading: Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. 

 



I have really benefited from what I've read already with some good reminders for experiencing contentment no matter what the circumstances.

She lists a prescription for contentment:

* Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather.
* Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
* Never compare your lot with another's.
* Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
* Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours.




 
 

So I was encouraged on Thursday after meeting with loving friends. Friday was a good day. Then Saturday arrived and again I had no energy, felt so tired and sluggish. This was somewhat discouraging because Tuesdays and Saturdays are the days I'm home and always look forward to getting lots done. But not this week. I sat in my chair, resting and not worrying about work getting done or not getting done. In the midst of my exhaustion, I happened to look out the window and saw a gold finch at the bird feeder. This made me so happy. What a beautiful little bird - so yellow and cheerful. It felt like a gracious gift from God to cheer me up.

The bird feeder is out the front kitchen window. Then out the back kitchen window, the crape myrtle is currently in full bloom - just bursting with color - another gracious gift from God. The creation shouts the glory of God.

In spite of the fact that I was so tired yesterday, I decided to go ahead with our plan to have Kira stay overnight with us. She had been asking, so how could we say no? Besides, this would be fun and would add a little spice to our otherwise colorless lives! 

So we got her around 4:30 in the afternoon, had dinner together. Well, Andy and I ate dinner, she was too excited to eat. Then we watched a movie together before heading upstairs to bed.

Does she look happy? It was great fun to have her and I was reminded of the value Jesus places on children. They add such joy to our lives. What a blessing all our grandchildren are - and we have a lot!

I was reading in New Morning Mercies a couple of days ago and was struck by the concept that my story is not an autobiography, but a biography written by Another. Every turn he writes, every twist of the plot, every chapter is right, for the best and advances his purpose. 

Hosea 14:9: "Whoever is wise, let him understand these things; whoever is discerning, let him know them; for the ways of the Lord are right."

When I read a book, especially one that is exciting and suspenseful, I have a habit of reading the last page and sometimes even the last chapter - just to find out how it turns out. Then when I know everything turns out all right, I can relax and go back to read the rest of the book, enjoying each detail along the way.

When it comes to my own life, my story is being written by the Lord. But I can't read the end of my story. I must trust him in the middle of each twist and turn. Ultimately, of course, I do know that the end of the story of my life here on earth is the beginning of my eternal life. Although that is somewhat sketchy with a lot of unknowns, yet at the same time, it is a great comfort. And it gives me hope and peace to continue my journey.