On Saturday night, a friend arrived from PNG to spend a few months in this area as part of her home assignment (furlough). She has stayed in our apartment several times before, and we love having her here. She is cheerful and fun to have around.
In preparation for her arrival, I decided the apartment needed a little bit of fixing up. L had hung a lot of pictures on the walls and left the nails, and consequently nail holes. We had a bucket of wall spackle, so Andy and I took it upstairs and spackled all the holes in all the rooms. A day later, we sanded the spackle, then added a second coat. A couple days later, we painted over the spackle so the walls look new again.
Before Andy came down with AD, I could have sent him up there and told him what needed to be done. Now, I have to go with him and give him instructions every step of the way. In a way, I don't mind because I love being with him, and it feels good to be doing things together.
Another project we've been working on is outside yard work. There have been some moments of time recently with some cooler weather, so we've taken advantage and done some much needed weeding and bush/tree trimming. This is a project, again, that I need to be with him if I want the work done to my satisfaction. I know I can be a "fuss budget" and want things done my way, but if I send him out to do a job and don't go with him, he will invariably end up doing something completely different than what he went out for. Or he will come back and ask, "what did you want me to do?" So it really does work better for us to undertake our projects together.
He is losing some filters, too. As we were trimming one of the bushes, we did some bantering back and forth. I was teasing him about being too brutal by taking off too much (the poor bush!!!). Later that evening, he came to me and wanted to apologize for the way he treated me. At first, I didn't know what in the world he was talking about. But in probing, I finally figured out that he thought I was upset with him and the way he was working.
He also is having some delusions. When we sit down for our dinner, he often asks where everyone is. Or he'll inquire, "is it only us tonight?" Or, "who else is here?" One morning he told me he didn't mean to embarrass me the night before. I didn't know what he was talking about until he said he shouldn't have said what he did with everyone in the room. There had been no one in the room, it had been only us.
I have to say that even with all these changes and the progression of the disease, the Lord has given me peace and a heart at rest. This can only come from him and I'm very grateful for the peace that passes understanding.
I'm still reading Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow and the chapter I read last night was titled "Trusting God with the If Onlys." Here are some of the nuggets that were meaningful to me:
If we are to find contentment in the midst of trial and uncertainty, we must accept our situation as being purposely allowed into our lives by a personal and loving God. For most of us, this begins by refusing to contract the If Only disease.
There is an if in every life - something God could have done differently if he had chosen to do so. He has all power, yet He often allows that if to be there.
She gave the example of Martha greeting Jesus after her brother, Lazarus, had died. She said to Jesus, "Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died." But as we know, Jesus had a bigger and better plan. He told Martha, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (John 11).
We cripple ourselves spiritually by going over and over the If Onlys. We "catch" the If Only disease when we dwell on what we don't have instead of on what we do have. We become discontented with what God has given us. When we contract this disease, we lose perspective.
At the end of the chapter, she quotes from a paper Andrew Murray had written in 1895 when he was suffering from a terribly painful back:
"In time of trouble, say, "First, he brought me here. It is by his will I am in this strait place; in that I will rest." Next, "He will keep me here in his love and give me grace in this trial to behave as his child." then say, "He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons he intends me to learn, and working in me the grace he means to bestow." And last, say, "In his good time he can bring me out again. How and when, he knows." Therefore, say, "I am here (1) by God's appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, (4) for his time."
As reinforcement in these thoughts, this morning in New Morning Mercies, Paul Tripp wrote the same ideas. He gave examples of If onlys that we use to place blame on others or our circumstances for our disobedience or discontentment. But he goes on to assert:
If God is present with you everywhere you go (and he is), and if he is sovereign over every situation, relationship, and location of your life (and he is), then when you blame other people for your circumstances or for the wrongs that you do, you are, in fact, blaming God. You are saying that God didn't give you what you needed to be what he has called you to be and to do what he has called you to do.
So as I continue on this journey, traveling along the road of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, I need to remember that this is the story God is writing for me. But he is not leaving me to my own resources, leaving me to grope blindly along. It is interesting to note that the many times, he tells his people to "fear not...don't be afraid," he includes the promise: "because I am with you."
I love Isaiah 43:1-3 - "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the holy One of Israel, your Savior."
What a comforting promise from a wonderful God.
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