Confusion Abounds

I hardly know what to write. Andy has been so confused all week. I try to explain or get him to explain what he means, but it doesn't seem to help. He thinks I'm someone else...He wants to pay me for everything I'm doing, even going so far as to take $20 out of his wallet to give me...He opens the basement door to hang up his jacket...He looks in the kitchen for his toothbrush, then tells me he doesn't know where it is...He can't follow simple directions, and I do mean SIMPLE!

This afternoon he told me he wanted to go home. I told him he was home, but he didn't understand. I kept trying to convince him until he finally broke down and started crying. I feel so sorry for him. Then he said I was so busy entertaining so many other people, he felt bad that I was so busy. Huh??? Nearly everything he says just doesn't make sense. But I try to understand and help him figure out what he wants to say.

I admit I'm pretty wrung out this afternoon. My heart hurts for him, for us. I think his conversations are ways he's trying to stay connected to me, but it's painful because what he says is so irrational, disjointed and sometimes even jibberish.

About the best thing for us to do is to get in the great outdoors. It helps to get the exercise and enjoy nature. We went out on Wednesday afternoon as well as yesterday (Saturday) afternoon. Both times we went to the Black Run Preserve, not too far away, and both days were gloriously beautiful.

After church today, Dawn and Tommy came over so that Tommy could clean our gutters. The girls had fun coloring and watching a movie while here.

I read another article about the health benefits of hiking out in nature. All the research points to how beneficial hiking is. And although I agree and make a concerted effort to do so, I am not convinced that it's helping Andy. But he does enjoy it and I confess it is so much more profitable to be up and out than to sit in the house feeling sorry for myself. 

Just now, Andy called me on the phone. When I answered, he said he wanted to let me know where he was. When I asked him where he was, he said he wanted to go home. I walked around to the bedroom and there he was! I told him to hang up the phone and he said he needed to tell his mom where he was, she would be wondering. I told him she was ok and wasn't worrying about him. So I think he thought he was calling his mom and that I was his mom. This is what I mean by him being confused.

I'm well into the book, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory. The authors say there is a difference between our soul and spirit which made sense to me in the way they explained it. They described the soul as where our feelings and thoughts come from. The soul is turbulent, with up and down moods. But our spirit, if we're born again, is in union with God's Spirit, which does not fluctuate. That was helpful for me. It can be very frustrating to be so up and down depending on the circumstances. But our relationship with God does not and cannot change. He is constant, always loving, always for us, always, always, always. 

He is not indifferent to our pain.  In 2 Kings 20: 5, God tells Hezekiah: "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears..." Oh, how I need to be reminded of the truths he has revealed in his Word. Yes, my soul is up and down emotionally, but I can still experience the peace of God in my spirit. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10. And "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15. Jesus told his disciples he was giving them peace...what a gift that is and how I need that gift.