Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

After a weekend of endless rain and dreariness, today's sunshine and blue skies were very welcome.  When we had heard the forecast for 64 degrees and sunny, Amy and kids had planned to come down to join Dawn and us for playtime in a nearby park.

But this morning, Chase woke up with a high fever and sore throat, so Amy had to cancel.  How sad.  But Andy and I called Dawn and together we decided that since it was such a nice day, we were going to take advantage of it.

So off we went, meeting Dawn, Kira and Kasey at Long Bridge Park and playing for a little while on the swings and playground.  I got to hold Kasey for a little while = happiness!

Kira was happy to run and walk but also wanted us to carry her piggy-back.  As much energy as she has, though, we didn't do too much carrying.

The sun is so bright!

Even the snake is enjoying the sun.

I can understand why people worship the sun.  It was glorious today.  I'm glad we were able to enjoy it because the rest of the week is supposed to be rainy again.

One Way Love

I'm currently reading One Way Love by Tullian Tchividjian and loving it.  The subtitle for the book is "Inexhaustible Grace for an Exhausted World."  What a great God we have when you consider how much He loves us in spite of ourselves.  We have done nothing to deserve his love, grace and mercy, yet he constantly showers us with blessings.  Of course, the greatest gift of all was the gift of salvation through the cross of Jesus.  Tchividjian points out, though, that often in Christianity we focus on the "sacrifice we are making for Jesus rather that the sacrifice He made for us; our performance for him rather his performance for us; our obedience for him rather than his obedience for us.  The hub of Christianity is not 'do something for Jesus.'  The hub of Christianity is 'Jesus has done everything for you.'"  In other words, Do vs. DONE!

It's difficult, though, to change your focus when you've been brought up in a legalistic home and church.  In fact, it takes a life time of walking with the Lord and experiencing His faithfulness, and even then I don't think we'll ever know in this life the magnitude and significance of the grace of God.

Conditional love based on how I perform does not motivate.  In fact, it leads to discouragement and a defeatist attitude.  I may obey the law outwardly but still do it grudgingly, dragging the feet of my heart.  And yes, I'm speaking from experience!  Jesus said he came to set us free, and if He sets us free, we are free indeed.  His salvation is a free gift...nothing I can do or ever did can earn it.  He kept the law perfectly, then died in my place.  I'm in awe of so great salvation.


In these days, I feel a great need to constantly be encouraged by the Lord.  I'm grateful for books and friends who point me in that direction.  There's not much change in Andy's condition right now.  He continues to exercise with me every morning and tries to get outside for hiking and walking.  So physically he is doing well.  He tries to work around the house and church, but often gets confused and can't remember how to finish what he started.  He'll write things down on a list, but later when he looks at the list, he can't remember why he wrote down what he did.  There are some things he can still do.  He will read the World Magazine from cover to cover.  He is still very interested in politics and checks out his favorite news blog every day.  He also is still pretty good at his Solitaire game on the computer.  I keep checking on his statistics - currently he's at 94%; 16 wins, 1 loss.  That's better than if I were playing!

On Tuesday, Andy got a call on his cell phone.  I didn't pay much attention, being in another room, but when he got off the phone, I asked him who called.  He said the doctor's office called to change an appointment he had in April.  I asked him which doctor (because there are 2 different doctor appointments in April) and he couldn't remember.  So I guessed the one and he said he thought that was the one.  So I deleted that one from my calendar and went to add it to the revised date.  But in doing that it didn't make sense to me because they were changing the date from a Tuesday morning to a Wednesday afternoon.  The other doctor appointment had been on a Wednesday afternoon, so I questioned him if he was sure it was the doctor I had suggested to him.  He had to admit he didn't know.  So I called both doctors, got the correct date and time, then let those offices know they needed to have my phone number as their primary number.  

I also had to call Verizon the other evening because we had no dial tones on our house phones or wireless internet.  That is the kind of experience Andy used to take care of.  He was always so patient in those situations and a lot more technologically savvy that I.  But I had to do it this time.  The person who took my call had an accent, making it difficult to understand him, but I (and he) persevered and we got the problem solved.  Then Andy was so sweet to tell me I did a good job, better than he ever could have done.  Well, that was kind of him, but I never had to do it before.  He is so encouraging to me, building me up, loving me through this - as he always has.  He has always taken such good care of me, it's a privilege to do it for him now.  He is putting up with my "bossiness," taking charge, making decisions - all things that he used to do quite competently.  But he's letting me take over with grace. 

We are happy to have our family close enough to be involved with them.  A young friend told us the other day that when he was growing up, his grandpa had Alzheimer's but he has good and happy memories of him.  Andy loves being with his grandkids and is making an effort to remember their names and pray for them.

Last weekend, Amy and her girls came down to spend some time with Dawn and us.  Joanna and Katy spent overnight with Kira at her house, and Amy slept at our house.  Then they all went to our church with us on Sunday.  After lunch on Sunday, Amy, Joanna and Katy went with us to Smithville Park for a hike.  It was pretty chilly and the girls were tired but we had a good time being together.  Katy had expressed to me her excitement about going on a hike with us, but when we got to the park, she was so tired that Amy or Andy had to carry her the whole way.

We always see herons at Smithville Park

 Then this past week, I got a call from Dawn saying Kira wanted to come to our house for a play date with "little Grammy."  (She has 2 grammies and I'm the smallest!)  So we arranged to have her come over yesterday for 3 hours.  She has a lot of energy and is so much fun.  Andy played with her on the neighbor's trampoline, we read books, colored, played doctor and house, etc. etc.  and all with her princess tiara on!

So life goes on...It's not the same, but we continue to believe God knows what he is doing.  He is always good.  Our desire is to trust him to work everything out for our good and his glory.

Hope Springs

I felt like I needed some encouragement the other day and God led me to log onto Paul Tripp's website.  One of the headers on his website that day was When Suffering Enters Your Door.  What he said so ministered to me.  I listened to him several times, pausing, writing down, re-starting.  I got the shot in my spirit that I needed to turn my eyes off my circumstances and back on the Lord.

In a nutshell:  "I have as much hope in my deepest moments of suffering as I had hope before the suffering began.  Hope is never found horizontally, hope is ever only found vertically.  And the One who is my hope has not changed even though my circumstances have - dramatically.

That led me to look up some verses that spoke of hope.

Psalm 9:18 - God will never forget the needy, the hope of the afflicted will never perish.

Psalm 31:24 - Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Psalm 33:18, 20, 22 - But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love...We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield...May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 52:9 - I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good.  I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

 Psalm 62:5 - Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 Colossians 1:27 - ...Christ in you, the hope of glory.

Hebrews 6:19 - We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

Hebrews 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Several things have encouraged us recently.  One was in an article Andy and I read in World Magazine about Elisabeth Elliot.  She is currently 87 and has dementia.  The article was encouraging to us because it noted that her husband said she "handled dementia just as she did the deaths of her former husbands.  'She accepted those things, [knowing] they were no surprise to God,' Gren said.  'It was something she would rather not have experienced, but she received it.'  Hearing those words, Elliot looked up and nodded, her eyes clear and strong.  Then she spoke for the first time during the two-hour interview, nodding vigorously:  'Yes'."

It was encouraging to Andy and me because we have heard enough stories of people with dementia and Alzheimer's becoming crotchety and hard to deal with.  Andy has confessed to me that he doesn't want to become like that, but I don't think he will.  A friend who works with people in nursing homes was telling me that people become more like who they really are when they no longer have the filters that control what they say and how they act.  I have assured Andy that he will continue to be who he has always been:  loving, caring, kind.  I am already seeing a certain patient acceptance, a calm demeanor that is so hopeful. 

And speaking of SPRING...this weekend was hopeful in that regard.  The temperature is soaring into the 40's, the sun is shining, the sky is blue and I can't help thinking that spring is just around the corner.  So this afternoon we decided to check out a "new" place to hike that we had heard about.

The Franklin Parker Preserve in Chatsworth, NJ.
We heard about this place from fellow south Jerseyans and Pine Barrens lovers.  What a find.  We walked and walked on nice sandy trails along a very large lake.  On the other side of the lake we saw tundra swans.  I wanted to get closer to them to get a better picture but had to be content with using the zoom on my camera.  It wasn't for lack of trying to get to the other side of the lake.  We had to cross some water in one spot and a rickety bridge in another.  Well, it was still worth it.  We were exhilarated and cheered by the excursion.

 

Can you see the beaver dam under the bridge?

My feet did not get wet!

Those white dots are tundra swans, not islands of snow!

This excursion whetted our desire to go back for more exploring.  We barely scratched the surface of potential hiking we can do here since the website says there are 20 miles of trails.  It was an unexpected treat to see the tundra swans today.  They are obviously migrating and stopped here along the way.  We also saw some ring neck ducks but they were very shy and flew away as we got closer to them.  Even zooming didn't catch them, although I had to try.

That very little white spot in the lake is a duck!  I promise!

It was a great day to be out in nature and gave me great hope that spring will soon be here.

A Bright Spot in our New Normal

Just when you think things are leveling out, there’s a twist in the road.  A week ago, I thought Andy was doing pretty good.  He’s definitely feeling physically and emotionally better.  He’s exercising with me every morning, using weights and keeping up!  He’s also walking a lot back and forth to church.  He is feeling positive and happy.  These are all things to be very thankful for.  But the forgetfulness and confusion are still very challenging – for me, at least.  I’m trying to stay light about it, but there are times when I feel very sad.  Sad because I’m remembering how he was in the past and experiencing such a difference  in the way he is now.

Here’s an example of a recent conversation:

Me:  Tomorrow’s Saturday, I’m going out with a friend for coffee in the morning, but I have 2 things I would like you to do while I’m gone.  Do you think you can remember them?

Andy:  Sure…what do you want me to do?

Me:  Can you replace the smoke alarm upstairs and sweep the snow off the solar panels?  What do I want you to do?

Andy:  Snow off the solar panels.

Me:  And????

Andy:  I can’t remember the other thing.

Me:  replace the smoke alarm

Andy:  Oh, yes.

Me:  So what are you going to do tomorrow?

Andy:  smoke alarm

Me:  And???

Andy:  I can’t remember

Me:  Smoke alarm & solar panels

Andy:  ok, snow off the solar panels

Me:  And???

Andy:  I can’t remember

Me:  Smoke alarm  solar panels

Andy:  And what was the third thing?

Aghghghghghgh!

The amazing thing is that the next morning before we got out of bed, I asked him what he was going to do while I was gone, and he rattled it off without a clue from me.  So sometimes he’s got it and sometimes he doesn’t.

It’s challenging for me because he has always been so handy, so competent in everything, he could fix anything…but no more.  I still ask him sometimes, just to give him the opportunity to try.  But more often than not, he is not successful at what he tries to do.  And that to me is sad.

But in the middle of our new normal, we still have fun times together as well as with our family and friends.  He is still really good at playing with the kids.
 

 
Early last week, I realized it’s Grace’s birthday this week.  So I called Christy to arrange for having Grace spend an overnight with us.  As it turned out, this past weekend was the only time they had free the whole month of March.  So I left work early on Friday afternoon and went to pick her up.  Grace had a long list of things she wanted to do while with us and I’m happy to say we accomplished the entire list.

Friday

1.  Play games, games and more games:)

2.  Go outside

3.  Play solitaire on the computer

4.  Eat barbeque chicken pizza

5.  Eat ice cream

6.  Watch Anne of Green Gables

7.  Read a book

Saturday

1.  Games

2.  Bake an angel food cake

3.  Make earrings (I will bring the supplies)

4.  Go shopping

Grace is such a sweetie and a joy to have around.  We had a very good time and, in my opinion, the time was way too short. 

Christy decided to bring the whole family our way on Saturday to pick Grace up.  This accomplished three results:  we didn’t have to make the drive over to Pa., Grace got to stay longer with us, and Christy was able see her new little niece.  When I knew Christy would be coming down and staying for supper, I called Dawn and invited her and her family to come over as well.  Little Kasey is now 3 weeks old.  Evenings are her fussy time but there were plenty of us to take turns holding her and walking/pacing the floor with her.  

 She doesn't look very fussy here, does she?  Nice and peaceful, happy to be in Grace's arms.

Can you believe this girl is 13 ?

True Confession

I tend to be a positive person, but last week I took a few days to sit on the pity pot.  Several things happened to make me think Andy was getting worse.  I also had several conversations with 2 people close to us who thought the same thing.  On top of that a number of other things happened to discourage me and cause me to forget how good I really have it.

Let me be honest, though, my positive attitude is not to my credit.  Long ago I was impressed with 1 Corinthians 4:7:  "For who makes you different from anyone else?  What do you have that you did not receive?  And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?"  So since receiving the diagnosis of Andy's Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, I've blogged about how blessed we are and how God is meeting our needs.  All this is true, but I let a couple of disappointments creep into my thinking and get me down.

God is good, though.  He didn't let me stay there but sent along people to encourage me.  On Wednesday evening, 2 men from our church board came over to meet with Andy and me and try to understand our financial situation now that Andy is receiving disability.  They were so kind and caring and expressed a desire to help us as much as they could.

Thursday was my birthday and I got a lot of attention on facebook, as well as cards in the mail and calls from my friends and family members.  I met with another friend for an hour to talk and connect.  Another friend took me out for coffee on Saturday.  That was a sweet time, as well.

Andy and I had talked about our upstairs rentors and felt like we needed to raise the rent because our utilities and water bills were really high this winter.  When they moved in, we charged them a very minimal rate because they were a young family with lots of bills.  I talked to them on Saturday afternoon and told them we felt like we had to raise the rent.  They didn't say anything then, but that evening they came down to tell us they found another apartment and would be moving out March 1.  They had already found the apartment before I told them about the raised rent, so I was very relieved that they didn't move out because we wanted more money.  We've been very happy to have them here, they have blessed us in many ways, most of all by shoveling our driveway whenever it snows.  (And it has snowed a lot this winter!)

So we were going to lose some income, but the Lord reminded me that about a month ago, L had asked me if our apartment was available for someone who needed a place to stay.  Of course, at that time, it wasn't.  I texted L on Sunday morning to ask if this person still needed an apartment, and what do you know!  She did.  She came over to look at it and to meet us and was happy to pay the price we asked (which was $150 more than what we had been getting)!  So even when I get discouraged, God is still there, loving me and showing me he is well aware of what is going on.  He is constantly working things out, even before we know we'll need Him to.

God uses people, but He also uses His Word to minister to me.  How precious it is.  This morning I was reading a chapter in A Godward Life:  Savoring the Supremacy of God by John Piper. I wish I could include the entire chapter here but it's very long and I don't think I want to type the whole thing.  Essentially, though, John Piper used John 12:24-25 as his meditation:  "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal."

Basically, he said:  "It doesn't matter what happens to me."  These verses are a call to die.  If we are to bear fruit for God, we must die.  When I am dead, I don't care what happens.  It will make no difference to me, I will be home with Jesus.  And that's the way it is now, too, if I have died already with Christ, which all Christians have.  "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."  (Galatians 5:24).  Crucified means dead.  So in a profound sense I am dead on the earth.  "[My life] is hidden with Christ in God."  (Colossians 3:3).  So it just doesn't matter what happens to me here on earth.  It doesn't matter if I am getting older.  It doesn't matter if my husband is losing his memory.  It doesn't matter if our finances are less than what I've been used to.  If I am dead, these things just don't matter much.

Piper goes on to ask:  "What's the point of all this?  Is it aimless masochism?  No.  It is the path of true love, true life and true worship.  Our aim in dying is fruit:  'but if it dies, it bears much fruit'."  (John 12:24).  Our aim in dying is to exalt the worth of Christ.  "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things"  (Philippians 3:8).

So I need to continually remind myself that this life is only a stepping stone to eternity.  Along with Paul, I want to "testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God."  (Acts 20:24)  In essence, Paul is saying, "It doesn't matter what happens to me if I can just live to the glory of His grace."  God's grace is all around, everywhere and in rich abundance.  He has showered me in His grace, in fact, I'm drowning in it!

She's Here

It wasn't necessarily an easy delivery, but she's here:  Grandbaby #10.  And there was a discussion on the spelling of the name, but I think the end result is Kasey Ann Sherf.  She weighed in at 7 lbs. 10 oz. and was 21 inches long.

We had big sister Kira all day Saturday while Dawn was recovering from the c-section.  We read lots of books, saw lots of movies, played with PopPop and ate dinner at Chick-Fil-A. 

We even managed to fit in a trip to the hospital to see Kasey and Dawn.

Dawn came home from the hospital today so we had Kira again while Dawn settled in at home with Kasey.  She was able to get in a nap before we took Kira back home.

We're thankful things turned out as well as they did.  Every time I've seen Kasey, she's been asleep.  She seems like a contented baby.

From Suffering to Glory

I was reading Comforts from the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick on her thoughts on Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  She tackled that difficult question:  "If God loves us, and we believe that he does, then why doesn't he use his power to prevent suffering?"

Take as an example Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  Mary & Martha sent Jesus a message that Lazarus was ill.  The passage says that Jesus loved Lazarus but he stayed 2 more days before setting out for the home of his friends.  It's easy to think that we know what would best bring glory to God.  "When it's my pain or loss, I think that God's glory would be seen most clearly in my immediate deliverance...but Jesus is more interested in our eternal cure than he is in our temporal relief." 

The author goes on to say that "Jesus is not a genie in a bottle nor is he a heartless despot.  He is [my] compassionate Savior."  Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but still he wept.  He is not indifferent to our pain.  And he told Mary & Martha that "if [they] believed, [they] would see the glory of God."

So in our trial, how do we see the glory of God?  We have the promise of eternal glory where we will be free from all pain and illness and everything bad.  But even here and now, we experience a taste of glory by his comfort, grace, strength that he freely pours out on us. 

I saw this in a wonderful way on Sunday.  While we were in Hawaii, a man in our church was discovered to have a brain tumor.  We knew there was that possibility before we left, but while we were gone, we heard that he became very ill very quickly and died.  We spoke to his widow on Sunday and were blessed by her conversation with us.  She had tears as she spoke, but at the same time she was radiant as she talked about how God was comforting her and meeting her needs.

And we experience the same thing.  God does indeed give grace to help in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).  I am continually amazed at how much joy I feel and the hope I have in spite of our difficult situation.

It seems that Andy has stabilized.  He seems to have more physical stamina and is also feeling better emotionally.  His doctors have advised him to try to be diligent with exercise, rest and a minimum of stress.  And that advice seems to be working.  He is still forgetful and easily confused, but feels better.  His tremors are less pronounced when he is exercising regularly.  These are encouraging signs.

These last few days have been busy with family.  Asher's 6th birthday was last Friday.  Earlier that week, we thought Dawn might be having her baby, so I told her I'd pick Kira up on Friday after work and take her with us to celebrate Asher's birthday.  The baby was not born when we thought (and still has not made her entrance into the world), but we still took Kira with us so she could have a little time with her cousins and Dawn could have a break.  We had a good time with the family.  Christy is such a good cook and made pizza, plus a New York style cheesecake with strawberries and blueberries for the topping.  We had so much fun being there, but when I told Kira it was time to go, she was very unhappy. 

Even though Kira was unhappy, she has a sensitive conscience.  On the way home, she told us she was sorry.  I probed and asked what she was sorry for, and she said "for not wanting to go home."  I again played "devil's advocate" by saying, "well, Kira, I really didn't want to leave  either."  But she persisted in following through with her confession, saying, "But Grammy, please forgive me.  I'm sorry."  Andy and I were very touched and thrilled to experience her sensitivity to her sin.

Amy & Ricky came down on Sunday with their kids to attend church with us.  Then they came home and had lunch with us, too.  Amy brought a big pot of soup with some rolls.  Dawn, Tommy & Kira came over to spend some time together, as well.  The kids have such a good time playing together.

Monday was Dawn's birthday and she had contractions in the morning, which made her think she was going to have the baby that day.  That would have been exciting because it was her birthday, as well as her due date.  She had told me that only 5% of babies are born on their due date.  She probably would have upped that percentage if this baby had been born on Monday because Kira was actually born on her due date.  But it was not to be.

Dawn still hasn't had her baby, so I invited her over for dinner on Tuesday.  Tommy was working late and unable to join us.  I made her favorite dinner that I only make once a year - just for her.  So that cheered her up.

As much as the family has been together in the last couple of days, I have no pictures to prove it.  I just didn't think of taking pictures until everyone was gone.  Well, the memories live on in our hearts.