I tend to be a positive person, but last week I took a few days to sit on the pity pot. Several things happened to make me think Andy was getting worse. I also had several conversations with 2 people close to us who thought the same thing. On top of that a number of other things happened to discourage me and cause me to forget how good I really have it.
Let me be honest, though, my positive attitude is not to my credit. Long ago I was impressed with 1 Corinthians 4:7: "For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" So since receiving the diagnosis of Andy's Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, I've blogged about how blessed we are and how God is meeting our needs. All this is true, but I let a couple of disappointments creep into my thinking and get me down.
God is good, though. He didn't let me stay there but sent along people to encourage me. On Wednesday evening, 2 men from our church board came over to meet with Andy and me and try to understand our financial situation now that Andy is receiving disability. They were so kind and caring and expressed a desire to help us as much as they could.
Thursday was my birthday and I got a lot of attention on facebook, as well as cards in the mail and calls from my friends and family members. I met with another friend for an hour to talk and connect. Another friend took me out for coffee on Saturday. That was a sweet time, as well.
Andy and I had talked about our upstairs rentors and felt like we needed to raise the rent because our utilities and water bills were really high this winter. When they moved in, we charged them a very minimal rate because they were a young family with lots of bills. I talked to them on Saturday afternoon and told them we felt like we had to raise the rent. They didn't say anything then, but that evening they came down to tell us they found another apartment and would be moving out March 1. They had already found the apartment before I told them about the raised rent, so I was very relieved that they didn't move out because we wanted more money. We've been very happy to have them here, they have blessed us in many ways, most of all by shoveling our driveway whenever it snows. (And it has snowed a lot this winter!)
So we were going to lose some income, but the Lord reminded me that about a month ago, L had asked me if our apartment was available for someone who needed a place to stay. Of course, at that time, it wasn't. I texted L on Sunday morning to ask if this person still needed an apartment, and what do you know! She did. She came over to look at it and to meet us and was happy to pay the price we asked (which was $150 more than what we had been getting)! So even when I get discouraged, God is still there, loving me and showing me he is well aware of what is going on. He is constantly working things out, even before we know we'll need Him to.
God uses people, but He also uses His Word to minister to me. How precious it is. This morning I was reading a chapter in A Godward Life: Savoring the Supremacy of God by John Piper. I wish I could include the entire chapter here but it's very long and I don't think I want to type the whole thing. Essentially, though, John Piper used John 12:24-25 as his meditation: "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal."
Basically, he said: "It doesn't matter what happens to me." These verses are a call to die. If we are to bear fruit for God, we must die. When I am dead, I don't care what happens. It will make no difference to me, I will be home with Jesus. And that's the way it is now, too, if I have died already with Christ, which all Christians have. "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5:24). Crucified means dead. So in a profound sense I am dead on the earth. "[My life] is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:3). So it just doesn't matter what happens to me here on earth. It doesn't matter if I am getting older. It doesn't matter if my husband is losing his memory. It doesn't matter if our finances are less than what I've been used to. If I am dead, these things just don't matter much.
Piper goes on to ask: "What's the point of all this? Is it aimless masochism? No. It is the path of true love, true life and true worship. Our aim in dying is fruit: 'but if it dies, it bears much fruit'." (John 12:24). Our aim in dying is to exalt the worth of Christ. "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things" (Philippians 3:8).
So I need to continually remind myself that this life is only a stepping stone to eternity. Along with Paul, I want to "testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God." (Acts 20:24) In essence, Paul is saying, "It doesn't matter what happens to me if I can just live to the glory of His grace." God's grace is all around, everywhere and in rich abundance. He has showered me in His grace, in fact, I'm drowning in it!
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