And that's not all...

Andy began wondering if there wasn’t more going on than just the Alzheimer’s.  He was having significant tremors in his right hand, causing atrocious hand writing (yes, uglier than usual – ha, ha).  Then his teeth started chattering, and his legs were weak and shaky.  A friend thought he had Parkinson’s symptoms and we should get it checked out.

So I called his neuropsychologist and told him the symptoms Andy was having.  He said to make an appointment which we did.  When we got in to see him and he got checked, the doctor told us it was very good we came in.  He wanted us to make an appointment at Cooper Hospital for a DaT scan which is a fairly new test, only around for 6 months and in New Jersey, only available at Cooper.  The DaT scan shows conclusively whether a person has Parkinson’s or not. 

Well, last Tuesday, we were scheduled for this test.  We had to be at Cooper by 8:30 am.  Andy had to drink a liquid then wait an hour.  After the hour, he was free to go but had to be back at the hospital by 1:30 for the scan.  This was an interesting test because while having the scan, he was supposed to lie perfectly still.  For someone who has tremors, that is next to impossible.  So of course he moved in the first hour, and they had to re-do the test.  Fortunately, the test was ok the second time around.  And we were given the ok to go home.

Then we had to wait till Friday for our followup with the doctor to hear the results.  We were told Andy not only has Alzheimer’s, he also has Parkinson’s.  So now what?  The doctor told us the U of Penn is doing a Parkinson’s study and if we wanted to, we could see if we could get in.  So we’re in process of seeing if we qualify for that and if there are still openings.

After we got over the shock of Friday’s news, we enjoyed the rest of the weekend.

On Saturday friends of ours picked us up and we drove up to Washington’s Crossing to hike along the Delaware Canal.  It was a delightful fall day.  The sun was shining and it wasn’t too cold.  Believe it or not, we hiked 2 miles up and 2 miles back.  I couldn’t believe Andy was doing so well.  A couple of weeks ago, he couldn’t even go 1 mile without taking some time to rest because of the weakness and shakiness in his legs.

After our hike, we stopped for lunch.  It was a “dive” of a restaurant but the food was delicious.  We sat at a table near a window that rattled and shook every time the front door was opened.  It rattled and banged so much, it felt like it was going to fall over on us.  It was scary enough that we moved to a different table!  Oh, the memories we made!

On Sunday morning, we got a call from this same couple who said they had tickets to see the play, Pride and Prejudice, at the BristolTheater.  They had bought 4 tickets for themselves and their daughter and son-in-law.  We had been telling them the day before how much we love that story, so when their daughter called to say she had sick kids and couldn’t go, they thought of us.  What a treat!  It was a delightful play and we enjoyed it immensely.

I've been thinking about Job and his wife.  We've always been pretty critical of her because of her advice to Job.  But now that my own husband is suffering, I can understand her frustration.  I still don't think she was right, but I can understand.  I don't like to see Andy suffer, either, but I prefer Job's response then, ("the Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord"), as well as later in chapter 13 ("though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him").  

I am also inspired and encouraged by the response Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego gave to King Nebuchadnezzar when they were ordered to bow down to the image.  They told him:  "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."  

I hope and pray that I would have that same resolve and courage in the face of overwhelming circumstances. No matter how much hardship comes my way, I want to trust that God can save me from it.  But even if He doesn't, I will continue to trust Him.

Poor and Needy

"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy." Psalm 86:1

Fifteen years ago, I decided I needed to more proactively memorize Scripture.  I am so glad I followed through on that because there's nothing like God's Word to comfort and encourage when you are facing hard times.  The first full chapter I memorized way back then was Psalm 86.  Every night, I say the psalm to myself as I'm falling asleep.  Sometimes I get through the whole psalm, but often I just make it to the first verse.  I do feel very poor and needy but thankfully, the psalm goes on to describe how it is that we can call on God in our neediness.  He hears our cry in the day of trouble (verse 6), there is no one like Him and no deeds compare with His (verse 8).  He is great and does marvelous deeds (verse 10).  His love is great toward me and he has delivered me from the depths of the grave (verse 13).  He is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (verse 15).  And verse 17:  "Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord have helped me and comforted me."

God has given me many signs of His goodness and he has helped and comforted me.  Let me give a couple specific examples.

A number of weeks ago, someone called me to tell me that God had awakened her in the middle of the night and impressed on her that she should give Andy and me a check for a very specific amount.  She said she was going to send the check to us and we were not to return it because God had told her to do this.  The check came a day or so later and I was shocked to see the amount for $740.00.  I wasn't sure what to do with it, but decided to just stick it in the bank in a designated category for our health expenses.  When later that month, I was figuring out our visa statement and adding up all the co-pays, doctor visits, prescriptions and expenses related to health, I was so amazed to discover that the total came to $743.00.  Wow!  Talk about God giving us a sign of His goodness!

We feel God gave us our home and property that we enjoy, but with Andy's illness and my preoccupation with taking care of him, we haven't had the time or energy to take care of upkeep and maintenance recently.  We have so many beautiful trees on the property but with that beauty comes a lot of leaves to rake up in the fall.  Again, someone felt God was leading them to help us out and offered to come with their family and rake up all our leaves.  They came yesterday with their 4 children and raked for 4 hours.  It was a beautiful day and they seemed to really be having a good time outside doing all that work.  What a relief to have that job taken care of.

I confess that in spite of these and many more signs that God is taking care of us, this morning I was struggling with feelings of worry and fretting.  What is our future financial situation going to be like?  How quickly will Andy's illness progress?  How will I ever take care of him?  But God's Word comforts and helps.  Here are the verses that spoke to me today:

Psalm 32:7:  "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Psalm 62:1-2:  "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Yes, there is no doubt that I am poor and needy, but "God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble."  (Psalm 46:1)  Fortunately, I don't need to depend on me but I trust in the One who knows the end from the beginning and gives careful attention to every detail. 

Naomi's & Claire's Birthdays

"Good things come to those who wait."  And Naomi had to wait a very long time to have her birthday overnight with us.  Her birthday in June was right in the middle of all the drama with Andy's sickness and myriads of doctor appointments, so we were unable to have her come over then. 

But now Andy is somewhat evened out, his depression seems to be under control, as well as the low grade infection he was dealing with.  This past week, we had no doctor appointments, so it seemed like a good time to host our little 8 year old.

I was able to leave work on Monday around 1:00 to go up and get her.  She was all packed and waiting outside the house when I drove in the driveway.  I think she was a little eager!

When we got home, she wanted Andy to teach her how to play solitaire on the computer.  He is still very good at that, winning every game.  He likes to check his statistics and is able to sit and ponder and patiently figure out each move in order to win the game.  So he patiently taught Naomi how to win solitaire.  And she got pretty good at it, too.

Her favorite dinner is chicken noodle soup.  She likes the way I make it (sorry, Mommy!), so I made that while she and Andy were playing games.  The grandkids also like my homemade rolls, and I like to keep them in the freezer for just such an occasion.

After supper, I taught her how to play Phase 10 - a favorite of Dawn and Amy's.  Naomi watches them play every time we're together along with Grace, as well.  So maybe next time, Naomi can join them.  She needs a little more practice in playing offensively, but she is getting the main idea, anyway.
 

Of course, at Grammy and PopPop's house, what is an overnight with us but watching a movie and having ice cream!  We watched The Cat from Outer Space, a Disney comedy and had a bowl of ice cream - um,yum.  After the movie, Naomi and I went upstairs to the attic room.  But before calling it a night, we had to read Uncle Remus stories till we both got tired.  I love hearing the giggles as Brer Rabbit outfoxes Brer Fox.

The next day the breakfast of choice was blueberry pancakes, then more Phase 10, Computer Solitaire and another movie.  This time we watched 101 Dalmatians.  I hadn't remembered the details of that movie, but it was so fun to see the good guys win and the bad guys, including Cruella DeVil, be outsmarted and outwitted by all the animals ganging up against them. 

We went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch, then back to our house for a few more games before heading out to take Naomi home again.  Having Naomi this week was good timing because Claire's birthday was Thursday so we could take her birthday present up with us.  We were able to visit with the family, then enjoy a delicious dinner that Christy had made and sing happy birthday to Claire. 

We're glad our grandkids like to come to our house because we like having them.  There's something about children that lightens the heart and gladdens the soul and helps keep a person young.

Blessings

Just because we are living with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, our life isn’t over.  Far from it.  God has given us this life to enjoy and we are determined to do just that as long as there is still breath left in us.

It’s a beautiful time of year.  It seems like the leaves have been especially colorful or maybe I’m just more sensitive to the beauty of our world this year.  Andy and I are taking every opportunity to make excursions to the woods and revel in the loveliness of south Jersey’s woods. 

A week ago, the trees were still green leafed, but yesterday there was more yellow and less of them on the trees.  The weather was beautiful, perfect for hiking or just sitting on a bench to enjoy the day.

 

 

 

Another blessing we’re enjoying right now is our family.  While Andy is still relatively functional, let’s get together and party! 

On Saturday, Andy and I drove down to Dream Park in Gloucester County where the 3 oldest Lindsay kids were involved in an Alpaca Show.  The ride down and back was absolutely gorgeous with the sun shining off the different colors of fall leaves on the trees lining the highway. 

Then when we got there, how fun to watch the kids in their show and interact with C & C and Asher and Claire.  We thought it was ironic that the only boy in the show got the pink ribbon.  He was a good sport about it even though he wondered if his mom could dye it.

My personal opinion is that alpacas are one of the cutest animals.  After their show, they came back to our house and had dinner together.  Since it was so nice outside, the kids were able to play for a while outside.

Then on Sunday, Amy and Ricky came down with their kids and went to church with us.  That was a special treat to have them sit in the service with us.  After church, they came to the house and we had lunch together.  Amy had made chicken, bacon, rice soup and had also brought rolls and chocolate chip cookies from Shady Maple.  And again the weather was beautiful so the kids were able to play outside again.

Yesterday was another delightful fall day so as soon as I finished my house cleaning, off we went to Smithville Park for another hike. 

 

Who knows what the future holds?  But we don’t live there…we’re in the here and now and NOW is good!  So let's live it up!

A New Chapter

As difficult and challenging as these last 8 months have been, it's a relief to finally have a diagnosis.  I have to admit it was a shock and not the diagnosis we would have wished, but we are both feeling fine with it and trusting that God, who has lovingly led us all along our life's journey, will continue to be with us to the end.

Alzheimer's.  The word is full of emotion and conjures up all kinds of pictures of old people sitting around staring into space or wandering around the neighborhood or doing weird and all kinds of nonsensical things.  The fact is Alzheimer's is a disease in which brain cells are dying.  There is no cure.  Different people progress at different rates, staying at one stage for longer or shorter periods of time than others.  There are some medications available that may slow the progression of the disease.  But no one can say how long someone may live with Alzheimer's or how quickly the disease will progress.

Realistically, we are all dying.  We just don't generally think about it.  To us, it seems like Andy is still young.  He's ONLY 62.  But we all die, some sooner, some later. 

Around the first of the year, some of our friends began to notice Andy was forgetting simple things that he had done automatically many times.  One of those friends strongly suggested we make an appointment with a neuropsychologist to have Andy assessed.  So that first appointment was in April.  That doctor ordered blood work and an MRI with a follow up appointment in May.  Those tests did not show anything and we were relieved to hear that dementia and Alzheimer's were negative.  Since then, we have come to realize you can't tell from blood work if someone has those brain disorders.  The MRI result just indicated that there was no mass or tumor.  That doctor strongly suggested we make an appointment for further testing with a neuropsychology test: a comprehensive 5 hour oral test.  Meanwhile, Andy contracted prostatitis - an infection in his prostrate - landing him in the ER with a temperature of 104 degrees. 

When he got released from the hospital, after consultation with the urologist, we thought that the infection had been the cause of his memory issues, so we didn't follow up to make that neuropsychology test appointment.  He had laser surgery on the prostrate at the end of June and we fully expected him to improve and be well again.  However, he did not improve and even his recovery from the surgery was painstakingly slower than we had been led to believe. 

In mid July, we went on our vacation to Moosehead Lake, but Andy was sick most of the time and did not participate in the family fun.  He did a little hiking but was lacking in stamina and the enthusiasm he normally exhibits when he is on vacation and with the kids.  He didn't read at all and swam very little, both activities that he enjoyed wholeheartedly in previous vacations.  He was forgetful, was often confused and seemed in a mental fog most of the time.

When we returned home, several people strongly urged us to follow through to make the appointment for the neuropsychological testing.  When I called, the earliest they could fit Andy in was October 7th.  We had to wait a full 2 months.  It was agony.  Meanwhile, we continued to go to other doctors.  We went to a psychologist, thinking Andy might be suffering from depression.  We went to his family doctor.  We also had a follow up with the urologist.  And we also saw a psychiatrist.  All the doctors were very helpful and he was prescribed medication for depression.  It didn't seem to help.  We struggled through until finally October 7th arrived.  Andy was at that testing for 5 hours, doing all kinds of memory games, simple math problems, hand coordination exercises, etc.  I wasn't in on the testing, but afterwards he said he was so humbled because he knew he wasn't getting the correct answers.  After the test, I sat in with the doctors and Andy while they went over the results. 

The doctors were very kind, explaining how he did, asking how he thought he did, then telling him that for a man of his intelligence and education, he didn't do even as well as a person with a less than 8th grade education.  (Andy had 8 years of higher education - after high school.)  I came right out and asked:  "So are you saying that Andy has Alzheimer's?"  And the doctor answered, "Yes, I'm very sorry, but that is what he has." 

Well, we were shocked and sad, but God was gracious as he always is.  He led us to Scripture, other reading material and dear friends to encourage us. 

This is our story - it is unique to us, but it is part of the bigger story - God's story.  He has a plan and his plan is perfect and good.  You know how some stories can be confusing when you're reading them, but in this case, we know the ending.  We live happily ever after in God's kingdom with our blessed Redeemer. 

I have often been reminded in the last several weeks of a song Andy and I used to sing: Trust His Heart.
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we don't
See how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just don't see him,
Remember you're never alone

Chorus:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust His Heart

He sees the master plan
He holds the future in his hand,
So don't live as those who have no hope,
ALL our hope is found in him.
We see the present clearly
He sees the first and last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me,
To someday be just like him

(Chorus)

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you

(Chorus)

When you can't trace his hand
When you don't see his plan
When you don't understand
Trust His Heart

Andy and I have been reminiscing and talking about the many blessings we have enjoyed together. We both are ok with the diagnosis of Alzheimer's knowing that life may get very difficult later.  However, we are committed to trusting God in this new chapter, knowing that He will continue to be with us wherever we go.  That wherever includes Alzheimer's.

Joshua 1:9:  "Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Job 1:29:  "The Lord gave (healthy brain cells/intelligence) and the Lord has taken away (dying brain cells/Alzheimer's); may the name of the Lord be praised."

Katy's Birthday and Colonial Days on the Farm

We were able to fit in 2 visits to see 8 grandkids this week.  The first was on Tuesday to take Katy's birthday present to her.  She turned 3 on Thursday and it was a good excuse to spend some time with her and Amy, Chase & Joanna.

Our present to her was this little hobby horse that makes real horsie noises.  She seemed very happy with it, as well as the little box of animal crackers we brought along for her.

It was a beautiful day and we were able to sit outside while the kids played on the trampoline.  Andy was chasing them around and getting them wound up.  It was a fun day!

Then yesterday (Saturday), Christy and family were involved in the Fall Harvest at the Peter Wentz Farmstead near their home.  Grace was dressed in colonial costume and involved with helping to make apple cider. 

The man in charge of this demonstration was very knowledgeable about apples.  It was very interesting. 

There were lots of other demonstrations, but we stayed with Grace most of the time, although we did take a tour of the house.  The house was built in the 1700's and was actually a headquarters for George Washington in the Revolutionary War on several occasions in 1777. 

Some of the other demonstrations included broom making, cooking the way it was done in the 1700's, making apple butter, gardening, preserving food for winter.  Andy & I left before seeing all the demonstrations because of Andy's fatigue.  But the weather was gorgeous and it was a beautiful day to be outside.

There were some older kids giving examples of the way kids played before tv and electronic toys.  Aiden & Asher were pretty good at rolling the hoops and little Miss Claire had to give it a try as well.





The weather was beautiful again today and we couldn't resist being outdoors, so we drove over to Amico Island Park - one of our favorites.  The sky was such a beautiful blue, leaves were turning, the sun was shining brightly and warm and there was a cool breeze - a perfect fall day.

There's nothing like a day outside in beautiful weather to bring peace and healing to the soul.

God's Waiting Room

Although I haven't been too consistent about blogging lately, it doesn't mean life has become boring.  But in spite of all we're dealing with right now, I'm not at a place where I can verbalize it all or make sense of it yet.

Meanwhile, I've been doing a lot of reading to keep my mind, heart and spirit in the right place.  One of the books was passed along to me by Marian, our pastor's wife, When the Heart Waits.  The author, Sue Monk Kidd, did a wonderful job of verbalizing what I am going through.  She used the analogy of the caterpillar going to the dark place inside the chrysalis.  She explains how necessary that dark time is for the transformation that results.

It was an encouraging read because I felt like I was gaining permission to "draw in" and regroup.  It is not wrong to take time away to refresh the spirit and just sit in the presence of the Lord, drawing from his strength and seeking his wisdom for what we're going through.  This was refreshing for a task oriented, list maker like myself.

There are biblical examples of people who went through dark, seemingly sidelined and unproductive, times: Joseph, Moses, David, and the best example of all - Jesus in the tomb and resurrection!  God uses the dark times to show us more of himself.  

We are facing a lot of unknowns right now with Andy's health.  Is there a diagnosis?  If so, what?  Then what can we do to correct the situation?  It seems like the answers are sooooo long in coming.  We see one doctor who sends us to another one who sends us to one more who...

The encouragement in all these unknowns is that we know the One who knows it all.  Nothing is a surprise to him and he will use every circumstance in our lives for our growth and maturity and to make us more like Jesus and to bring glory to himself.  I have great confidence in Him and his perfect purposes in and through us. 

The challenge is to rest in the knowledge of who God is.  He is loving, faithful, kind, works for the good of those who love him, etc.  Saturating ourselves with His Word is the only way to make it through this uncertain time.  Waiting is a difficult discipline for those who like action.  I am quiet for a couple of days, then I start thinking of somewhere to go or someone to visit or a job that needs to be done.  But there quite a few verses that talk about the benefits of waiting on the Lord.  One of my favorites is Isaiah 64:4:  "Since ancient times no one has heard, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."  Or another favorite:  "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength" (Isaiah 40:31).  And does my strength need to be restored and renewed!

Another book that has ministered to me (although I'm still reading through it) is Paul Tripp's Lost in the Middle.

 It's written more toward mid life crises but a lot of it applies to where I am at this time, as well.  He really understands the heart and the reasons why we do the things we do.  We live in a broken world and things will not always turn out perfectly and the way we want them to, but we need to rest in the sovereign plan of God for our lives, trusting in Him completely.  This can be difficult because no one likes to suffer, at least I don't.  If I had my way, I wouldn't have any troubles - ever.  But then I wouldn't know how much I need God.  How can I experience the all-sufficiency of God except when I have no where else to turn.  I love the saying I heard years ago from Corrie Ten Boom:  "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

A passage from this book that gets to the heart of the matter:
One of the hardest things for sinners to do is to wait.  We have little toleration for delayed gratification, so when we ask God for things, we include our schedule for delivery in the request.  But God's sense of timing is infinitely different from ours.  Who would have thought that there would be thousands of years between the Fall and the cross?  Who would have thought that the world would have to wait so long for Abraham's promised seed?  Who would have thought that God would allow his chosen children to be subjugated to slavery in a foreign land for four hundred and twenty years?  Who would have thought that the "last days" that Paul talked about would still be continuing?  God has a perfect sense of timing.  His moment is always the right moment.  He never gets his schedule mixed up or gets things out of order.  Yet the wait confuses us, because we reason that if the thing is a good thing then a loving God would deliver it to us with haste.

So although I have no answers for what we're going through, I am learning to wait on the Lord and be strengthened and find rest in Him and Him alone.  A good thing to think on is:  Do I find my satisfaction in His gifts or in Him alone?  Do I need to understand perfectly what he is doing or feel entitled to enjoying perfect health the rest of my life?  "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised"  (Job 1:21).  He deserves our praise, worship and adoration in any and every circumstance.  Can I sing from my heart:  "O love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee" ?

In this time of difficulty, I want to be characterized as running to the Lord, not from Him.  Yes, I am facing things that were not in my plan, but I am not facing them alone.  God is with me, He is for me, He loves me.  This moment of painful grace is sure evidence of his presence.

Psalm 62:1-2
Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.