I felt sad about Andy's condition and our circumstance even though I have much to be thankful for. But the reality of it is that his forgetfulness and confusion are sometimes very painful to deal with. Several months ago, we were able to laugh and have fun over it, but it isn't funny to me any more. At least it hasn't been lately. Maybe I'm too tired. I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of him and totally inadequate for the job. Of course, the reality is that I can't do this, but only in the strength God supplies.
Many years ago, I was intrigued with the idea I heard in The Hiding Place when Betsy ten Boom told her sister, Corrie, that "there is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still." This week, even in my low time, I experienced God's deepness.
A friend encouraged me with the following note:
I'm praying Psalm 42 for you, esp v.5,6,8... I love v 8 - You know this, but sometimes it's hard to feel it- hard to remember, so that's where v 6 comes in. I'm praying that He'll remind you again and again of His love - through specific verses, events, and songs. I especially think it's cool that v 8 mentions the songs, since you and Andy have led us in worship-
When I read Psalm 42 for myself, as she suggested, I was so ministered to. How many times have I read this psalm, but it was so poignantly fitting for my current need.
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God?
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon - from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls,
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life.
Yes, verse 3 describes my emotional state: my tears have been my food day and night..." but the reassurance that verse 8 gives that the Lord directs his love to me by day and he sings over me at night! How can I continue to be downcast or disturbed? My hope is in God, my Savior, not in my circumstances.
But that wasn't the end of God's encouragement to me. On Wednesday, another friend stopped by the office. She wasn't sure why she was there, she "just felt like she needed to be." So the two of us "disappeared" to the prayer garden behind the church. We talked and prayed and cried together. Both of us are going through deep waters but what a blessing it was to remind each other of the goodness of our God. We talked about how easy it was for us to cry. And how it seemed like we were always on the verge of tears. It was a high point of my day. Then that night when I was home, I picked up a book I am currently reading, Who Will Deliver Us? by Paul F.M. Zahl. The first sentence I read was: "Tears are a precious measure of the things that really matter to us." And tears matter to God, too. In Psalm 56:8, David asks God to "list my tears on your scroll - are they not in your record?" And in Revelation 21:4, we are told that God will wipe every tear from our eyes.
On Friday I got a call inviting us to spend the evening with a couple. Right down the road from us, at Johnson's Corner Farm, they were holding a Classic Car Show. The couple who invited us to join them have an Austin Healey that he built and refurbished. So he drove it down to the car show with Andy, and his wife and I drove down in my Prius.
We had a good time looking at all the shiny, souped up classic cars and getting some free ice cream and being with our friends.
When we got home and were getting ready for bed, Andy mentioned that he wasn't feeling well. He said he had pains in his lower abdomen and he thought he might have a urinary tract infection. Then he said I shouldn't worry about it but try to get some sleep. Isn't that just like kind, considerate Andy?! He's in pain but worried about my sleep. Of course, after he said I should just forget about him and get some sleep, I started to get more and more awake, wondering if I should take him to the emergency room or if he would get better without help. Well, since at that point, I knew I wouldn't get to sleep, we decided to get up and go to the hospital. As it turned out, that was a good decision because he had blood in his urine indicating a UTI, plus he was severely constipated. This seems to be a problem and wasn't the first time this happened. I think his medications are a contributing factor and he needs to be more careful in how much bread he eats, as well as to be more faithful in drinking his fiber drinks. Our experience at the ER was actually a good one. We did not wait for hours in the waiting room (a fitting name!), but were admitted promptly to a private room and the nurse came in almost immediately to take care of us. Andy had constant attention and the only waiting we did was for the test results. We got home at 1:00 am.
So as can be imagined, Saturday was a "do nothing" day...just rest up from all the stress of the day before. It seems strange that it should be so, but the experience of the UTI, constipation and ER seemed to lift my sadness. I don't think it was actually the experience itself that lifted my weight, but God using it somehow to minister to me.
I was reading this morning in A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson. He quotes P.T. Forsyth who wrote: "God is deeper than the deepest depth in man. He is holier than our deepest sin is deep. There is no depth so deep to us as when God reveals his holiness in dealing with our sin...[And so] think more of the depth of God than the depth of your cry. The worst thing that can happen to a man is to have no God to cry out to out of the depth."
And speaking of the depth of God reminds me of one of my all time favorite hymns, Oh, The Deep Deep Love of Jesus.
VERSE 1
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me
Underneath me, all around me
Is the current of Your love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Your glorious rest above
CHORUS
Oh the deep, deep love
All I need and trust
Is the deep, deep love of Jesus
VERSE 2
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Spread His praise from shore to shore
How He came to pay our ransom
Through the saving cross He bore
How He watches o’er His loved ones
Those He died to make His own
How for them He’s interceding
Pleading now before the throne
VERSE 3
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Far surpassing all the rest
It’s an ocean full of blessing
In the midst of every test
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Mighty Savior, precious Friend
You will bring us home to glory
Where Your love will never end
© 2008 Integrity's Praise! Music/Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)
The ocean is a wonderful picture of the endlessness of God's love. As impossible as it is to measure the sea - so is God's love unable to be measured.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
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